Desert visit

We had an idyllic visit to the desert last weekend. It’s funny how one small change - the overhang, plus the hanging chair hammocks I bought three years ago - can be so magical. Suddenly the place is becoming as I’d pictured it in spring of 2021.

It’s still a little chilly at night, but daytimes are t shirt weather, even in February. And we haven’t had to use the heater at all, which says to me the average winter visit out there will easily be survived without using the heater or wood burning stove. Next we still need to figure out our water situation. That’ll be the spring project, that hopefully won’t cost anything. 

The boys loved swinging in the chair hammocks, which made me happy. Anything to get these kids off screens, right?

Speaking of screens, because Bobby is taking a game design class after school starting this Thursday, I had to buy him a laptop, something I had hoped to put off a little longer. But the fact is, he’s turning twelve in a month, he’s starting seventh grade in the summer, and he’s gotten really into making music on his iPad, which has its limits. So tonight we’ll give him his early birthday present and I’m sure he’ll be delighted, since he’s been campaigning hard for it for several months. I installed some parental software on it that will hopefully block the gnarlier adult content. Of course he wants a phone, too, but I’m putting that off as long as I can.

Now we’re scrambling to think of something equally awesome for Theo’s tenth birthday in three weeks. He has no ideas for us, and we have no ideas for him. He’s always so hard to buy for. Here’s hoping I come up with something good. 

Independent kids

Bobby is on day two of his Catalina 6th grade trip, and tonight Theo’s 4th grade class is going to see The Wiz and won’t be home until 11 pm or so. I’ll be alone in the house on a weeknight, which pretty much never happens. Maybe I should sneak out and have dinner with a friend or something.

I survived the band trip to Munich, and it was pretty much what I expected. Since we hadn’t been in Europe since 2019, people were really excited to see us (many had never seen us and only knew us from our two decades of CD releases), so there was a certain rock star vibe about the gig, while at the same time the three day festival was also a massive pain in the ass. While everything went smoothly, it was very physically demanding - we alternated stages with many other bands, so there was a ton of packing up and moving over and over again in one night, plus a lot of waiting around, and the venues were often a long walk from our hotel on crowded, construction-filled sidewalks. I was in charge of the band’s suitcase full of 50 lbs of charts, which meant lots of hauling this suitcase over cobblestone streets in the cold while also in a vintage dress and questionable shoes, then struggling through packed, sweaty crowds up and down stairs and through extremely heavy doors to get to the next stage. The last two nights were also extremely late, ending Sunday night at about 4 AM and then having to get up at 8 AM for our flight (and having to find our way to the airport using public transport, so again, hauling giant heavy suitcases up and down stairs, down uneven streets with tons of pedestrians and bicycles, etc etc). Anyway, suffice it to say it was exhausting and I’m extremely glad it’s over. I knew it was going to be like that, hence my creeping dread in the weeks leading up to it. Thankfully everything went well here - Bobby made it to his trip take off on time, kids got to and from school each day, and the H didn’t leave the house a mess for me when I got home. Our next big band trip isn’t until July when things won’t be anywhere near as complicated as far as kids doing school stuff. So that’s a relief.

Now I focus on final tax calculations before my appointment in two weeks, cleaning up the mess left after my Feb 1st contest registration opening, and trying to get more participants for my podcast (I’m officially out of interviewees). 

My contest registration went well except that the system did not honor pre-set limits on registrations for some reason - thankfully I was monitoring it and shut each contest down when I saw they were selling over the limits; but the damage is done. I currently have 17 showcase routines when we only have time for 12, and several other contests have similar issues. I know with people dropping out we should be fine by the time the event rolls around, but it gives me no wiggle room to let in scholarship folks or volunteers or anyone else who doesn’t sign up using normal channels. I’ve addressed the issue of the system failure with the registration company but as of yet have heard nothing. I’m considering switching companies next year because their customer service is pretty non-existent. 

After seeing how quickly the contests sold out (some in just minutes - we’re back to pre-pandemic levels on that, finally), and facing a couple of other dilemmas such as not having time for the now very important cultural panels, I’m considering a radical step, which is adding a day to the event moving forward. Right now we start on Friday night; I’d like to start Thursday night instead. I crunched some numbers and although it will cost more, it isn’t prohibitively expensive. While I personally loathe the idea of being there an extra night and day, I also think taking the pressure off our current over-packed schedule would make the time I am there less stressful. It will also allow me to have ample time for the cultural presentations, decent meal breaks, and allow me to add in a few contests that will help allow more participation (we desperately need intermediate level contests, not just Am and Advanced). I don’t intend to raise prices, so I would hope despite the inconvenience of having to stay an extra night at the hotel and take another day off work that people will be into it. The only people I haven’t consulted are the hotel, so it’s not confirmed yet. But I’m hoping I can implement this for 2025. It’s going to be a big change - it’s probably been more than 20 years since I added a day to this event. I guess needing to expand isn’t a bad thing, right? A year ago I thought I’d have to cut everything back! Just goes to show how unpredictable this industry is. 

Here’s a picture of our desert place with the front overhang that was installed while I was away.

January is cooking along

Lots of stuff going on. I’m pleased to say we now have a staircase at the cabin - the new contractor I found in a desert group has (I think?) worked out great. I’ll withhold judgment until I see it in person, but we left keys out there and he worked on it the last couple of days, finishing up yesterday. He’s the first contractor who didn’t ask for a deposit and said we could pay half until we inspected it for ourselves. 

No more climbing a metal ladder up to the bedrooms. I’m going to see if he can start an overhang for us next week. It would be great to have a place to be outside in the shade. Last weekend I was enjoying a hammock until it started raining - it would be nice to be able to enjoy the outdoors even in a light rain. It’s kind of hilarious that we’re doing all these non-essential projects and we don’t even have a shower or sink yet. I guess that just shows where our priorities are. 

I’m hustling to get my website updated before the “hard opening” on Thursday. The frustrating part is I have the information, I just don’t have the technical savvy now that Wordpress changed their whole system and doing simple things like embedding photos has become stupidly complicated. I plan on spending this afternoon wrestling with it. I’m determined to finish today.

I also have been tirelessly trying to track down contact info for all the kids’ friends to invite them to their joint trampoline park party on March 17. I have to find this info for kids from both the old and new schools. Apparently no contact sheet was put together for Theo’s 4th grade class - so we may be relegated to completely unreliable paper invites handed out at school again. Honestly, it’s not the end of the world this time - the party is already way too big with Bobby’s friends that I know will all show, so if Theo just has a few kids from his old school, he’ll be happy with that. With Bobby turning 13 next year and starting junior high, I figure this may be the last kiddie party he’ll be interested in having, so I’m trying to embrace the chaos and enjoy the end of this era. 

Speaking of new schools, we find out in March if Bobby got into the gifted program at the jr/sr high. With all his points, I can’t imagine he won’t, but I need to be prepared that it might randomly be a year with tons of kids applying and he just won’t make the cut. It’s going to be such a big change for us this summer. Not just a whole new school but a whole new way of being at school - having to move to different classrooms each period, kids in different schools for the first time since 2018…it’s going to be wild. 

For me, I’m counting down to my band’s Germany trip a week from Wednesday. I’m worried about several things on this trip, not the least of which is leaving Bobby’s 6th grade class trip in the hands of the H while I’m on another continent. There’s so much I need to have in place before I go, between the kids, my event, taxes, and my podcast. Just crossing fingers I can keep it all together. 

Long weekend

I had a long weekend - that wasn’t meant to be. There’s a local dance camp similar to mine that my orchestra plays every year - I typically sing on Friday and Saturday nights and don’t really attend or think about it otherwise. But for some reason this year I really decided to lean in, and had lunches and dinners with visiting dancers all weekend, and went to dance Sunday night just for my own enjoyment as well, which is something I almost never do. But because I had so many friends there I knew I’d have a lot of dances and a good time, and I did. It meant staying out until at least 2 AM every night, so I am officially bushed. I’m kind of not sorry today’s podcast interview got canceled due to the interviewee getting covid - I can use the downtime.

I’m so glad I invested in a couple of new heavy winter coats for the boys - usually in LA you can get away with just light hoodies all winter - but the last few winters have been exceptionally cold; when I drop the kids in the morning and they have to hang around the schoolyard for 15-20 minutes, it’s anywhere from 38-45 degrees; even the warmest daytime temperatures never breach 65. I know this is laughable to non-Californians, but when you have no warm clothes and live in an un-insulated house, you’re just cold all the time. I even bought the boys thermal underwear. This has been all of January so far with no signs of relenting. I hate it. 

I had a bit of an identity crisis over the weekend - part of it was, singing with the orchestra is stressful because I only do it a couple of times a year so I don’t know the songs very well, and because I gained so much weight over the holidays, once again, none of my clothes fit. I had bought a gown mostly in my size for the occasion, but it was in terrible shape, so even after repairing it extensively, when I put it on for the gig, yet another seam split spectacularly and I had to sew it up while on my body as I was walking out the door, and I left a sea of jettisoned sequins everywhere I went. I doubt I’ll be able to wear it again, but that and an unflattering blue dress were literally the only ones in my closet that currently fit, so I had no choice. It never helps, on these gigs, when all the photographers insist on taking these incredibly unflattering low-angle shots of me on stage, which do everything to emphasize my double chin and pot belly with cavernous belly button indentation. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I got a cold sore from the stress of it all. 

Thankfully lots of good conversation and connecting with people I hadn’t seen in a while helped quell my anxiety about my body and my aging and my painful arthritic toe and all the other unpleasantness going on for me physically. I had a really swell time Sunday night and it was the first time I got a window into the fun most people are having at my own event, which for me is just a giant stress ball. 

I embarked on an experiment last week that so far isn’t going great but I’m going to give it this week before I make a determination. I discovered that psyllium husk, a natural fiber supplement, can help aid in weight loss in that it helps you to feel full, so that it’s somewhat touted as the poor man’s Ozempic. I bought some and started taking small doses which I’ve ramped up to full doses over a few days to see if it cuts my constant hunger cravings. The only danger in it - and it’s a big one - is it could cause intestinal blockage if you don’t take enough water with it. That scares the hell out of me. I’ve never had issues with being “regular” so I don’t really need the fiber. So far I’ve seen no effects negative or positive, which is about what I expected. But my eating/sleeping schedule has been so off for the last four days that I want to wait until things are normal again before I decide if it’s working or not. My diet attempts so far for the last three weeks have failed miserably, and yet I’ve been constantly hungry and miserable. I keep thinking there’s got to be some magic bullet out there that will finally keep me at a healthy weight for the rest of my life, but I’m just not finding it. Honestly the 5:2 diet was the most effective thing I’ve ever done, and lasted a long time. When the pandemic started and I was on the 5:2, I was at 140, and stayed there for at least a year and a half before I stopped. I would kill to be even close to that weight again. Maybe I should just do that. I don’t know. At the moment, feeling very discouraged.

Fears and loathings

I don’t think I’m alone in having a lot of dread about this upcoming year. It’s an election year, and the odds of Trump being elected are higher now than ever, thanks to anger at Biden over his response to the Hamas attacks and a blatant unwillingness to recognize all the good he’s done. Memories are short - it’s now been eight long years since 2016 - and I can see especially young people forgetting that their staying home or protest vote for a 3rd party will, in fact, elect Trump, and end democracy as we know it. I can’t live through another Trump presidency. I can’t. Suddenly California seceding doesn’t sound so terrible. As I was saying to a friend yesterday, there’s no guarantee that the United States will last forever, not in its current form. We like to think it’s immutable and eternal, but it’s not. Look at Europe. Sliced and diced a million different ways, especially in the last 70 years. We’re not used to that sort of transitory existence, but we may have to get used to it. Either way, I’m full of anxiety about what’s going to happen this fall.

We had a pretty sizable earthquake Friday morning, which was listed as a “pre-shock” and warnings of the high likelihood of a major quake in the next 72 hours. I was horrified. It doesn’t help that in just about a week we’ll hit the 30th anniversary of the Northridge quake, which for me was massive and life changing. I haven’t slept well since Friday, and plans to leave the kids home alone briefly have been scrapped (they’ll go to the H’s work and I’ll pick them up later). It’s hard not to think of how awful everything will be if there’s a quake large enough to render this house unlivable - I have state-sponsored earthquake insurance, but the deductible is high, and our whole lives would be upended for a year or more, and what would we do with all our stuff if the house wasn’t securable? What about the kids’ school? What about the hotel where I hold my event - what if something happens to that? It’s all too horrible to even think about. And yet, while not being probable, it is, in fact, possible. I just can’t.

So I think it’s fair to say I’m not entering this year with a lot of optimism or enthusiasm, but I’m entering it anyway because I have no choice. Kids return to school tomorrow, and in two months we’ll know if Bobby got into the gifted program at his school or choice, and if Theo got into the gifted program at his current school. I’ve got lots of podcast interviews lined up - there’s been some unexpected momentum lately - and am considering getting a new computer to facilitate this activity. I submitted all the grant audit paperwork on Friday, so now we wait. I’ve started the reams of tax work that will take up the next two months, and am moving forward with my event planning finally. I hope to have everything settled by the time I do the price increase on Feb 1. There’s a lot to do coming up. Maybe this will keep me from my doomsday fears for a while.

2024, here we go

It’s the final week of winter break. I have to say, with kids old enough to entertain themselves all day, these long breaks aren’t what they used to be - I used to stare down these lengthy non-school periods with sheer terror; however now, other than becoming a full time cook and house cleaner and having no alone time, they’re not so bad. Being able to malinger in bed well past 9 AM pretty much makes up for the unpleasant parts.

So here’s the truth about my Christmas travels. Everything went well. We did Christmas on the 23rd, presents were received well (H got me a band t shirt, compass, pocket knife, and fancy hair dryer, all of which were great), then headed to Florida on Christmas Eve. We arrived late that night, then did a four hour drive north to my cousin’s new place in Saint Augustine on Christmas Day. Here was the biggest gathering of remaining family in quite some time - both cousins, kids, and step aunt - and it was lovely and full of warm moments. We all watched Spinal Tap that night and had a blast. Then we spent the remaining week at my sister’s place until Jan 1 when we flew home.

Here’s the thing, though - I felt lousy for most of it. Again I don’t know if it’s my age, weight, menopause, or what, but I was exhausted, bloated, and out of sorts the whole time. Up until the end I barely slept, my whole body was puffy and uncomfortable, and I just felt like a giant beached whale the whole time. It didn’t help that the weather was cold and rainy and grey, so activities were limited. We finally got one chilly beach day in on our final day, but mostly we sat around and tried to figure out what to make for dinner. Meal planning and cleanup was a constant annoyance, as it had to happen three times a day, for six people. Boy, did I not understand the burden on my grandmother on all those long family visits! No wonder she savagely crunched popcorn every night in front of the TV (after lighting up a Virginia Slim was no longer allowed by her doctor).

So basically, nothing (other than the weather) was wrong, I just felt wrong. And most of this was, of course, my disgust with myself for how much weight I’ve gained and how much work it’s going to take to get it off. Every bite of food was fraught with guilt and shame, even though for the most part I wasn’t stuffing myself or particularly overeating. I hate that I’m in this endless loop of feeling bad about my body - it goes against everything I stand for - but there it is. How can you not feel bad when for forty years you were effortlessly thin and then suddenly balloon up to an unhealthy weight and then spend years losing and regaining the same ten pounds, while all the while slowly gaining twenty pounds in the process so your starting point gets higher and higher and getting to any kind of healthy weight gets more and more difficult? And staying there sucks, because the fact is, to be thin in your 50s means being hungry, and being hungry sucks? Anyway. I could go on and on. At one point at 2 AM I panic signed up for some Facebook-promoted weight loss program for $70 and then immediately regretted it - it’s just a meal plan full of food I don’t want to make and the same calorie restriction I could just do on my own. I know how to lose weight. And I must, because I’m officially getting unhealthy. But boy do I hate it. I’m not motivated, but I know I have to reduce calories and get up and get moving, for myself mentally if not physically. I’m sick of good times being ruined because I feel lousy and tired and bloated and none of my clothes fit. There’s an easy solution to this, I just have to do it. Diet started yesterday. 

I came home to a dead car battery and I can’t even get into the car to pop the hood to get jumped because my lock is broken from an attempted break in, so this morning the H will try to pry it open with a screwdriver to jump it, and if he can’t, I have to have it towed to the dealer to have them switch out the lock. So that’s potentially my day shot. Still looming over me is the fact that the deadline for uploading the grant paperwork is Saturday. I got it all put together before I left, but wanted to save it for uploading later in case I wanted to make any changes or missed something. The amount of terror over this grant audit has been a huge cloud over my head for the last month - pretty much ruined my Christmas season because of the stress - so I’m looking forward to getting that done. Once the car’s fixed. Sigh. 

Break!

We had a pleasant weekend in the desert, the first of the kind I’d been dreaming of since I bought the place, in which we just had to pack some clothes and a cooler and head out - rather than having to bring half the house every time. We didn’t do much - met with a new contractor to see about a porch and a staircase, ate a lot of expensive restaurant food, and were generally foggy and dehydrated. 

The new contractor that I found in a local group was a funny guy - Ken doll handsome and with adhd characteristics; talked our ears off for two hours while I kept trying to loop him back to taking actual measurements and talking about materials. He had a good idea for the staircase - right now we’re still using a ladder to climb up to the top floor. His idea was to have stairs going sideways along the back wall which is way better than just building a sturdier ladder. The H didn’t like him, but seems ok with continuing - we should get a bid shortly. As always I don’t know what to think of this guy, but I do know we don’t really have a choice and it would be nice to get these final projects finished even though I technically can’t afford it. Also as always he pointed out all the things the previous contractors did wrong. They love doing that. Sigh. 

One good discovery is that the insulation is doing a bang up job - even with the temps dropping to the low 40s at night, we never needed the heater. The upstairs stayed toasty from the all day radiant heat from the sun, and good bedding meant we were never cold. I know it can get a bit colder out there - it was high 60s during the day and 40s at night and I know it can be 50s in the day and 30s at night, but at least most of the time it won’t get that cold, and we probably only have three more winter visits at most before the glorious spring comes again. 

It’s Monday of the first week off school and I’m a bit panicked about everything that has to happen this week - mainly the grant paperwork - but I keep telling myself it’ll all get done. I have to do two podcast interviews and edit those and tee them up for release while I’m gone; wrap all the presents (when kids go to bed); make candy; prepare for our trip (laundry, packing, use up food, etc); get my hair done; find something for us to do all day on Thursday while the cleaning lady is here and it’s raining all day; get groceries; go to the bank to deposit cash from our last band gig; make breakfast, lunch and dinner each day and clean up after; and, of course, grant paperwork. Why am I blogging right now instead of starting? Procrastination - but I’m going to blame it on the fact that the H is monopolizing the bathroom so I can’t get up and start my day. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.