Six months and a glimpse of the future

Today I went to a craft fair at my sons' future elementary school in hopes of getting a little preview of the place, which I've hiked by a million times but never actually entered. It was bizarre to be at this place that will one day factor hugely into all of our lives - if things go the way I want, we'll still be in this neighborhood in ten-fifteen years and both boys will attend this highly rated public school. With all my free time (and afore-mentioned predilection towards getting involved in things and taking over) it's highly likely that I'll get involved in the PTA and whatever else needs volunteers. So to say that today was the first of many times I will enter that school's grounds is an understatement.

Typical of my hipster east LA enclave, there were many booths set up selling things that involved the words "sourced", "local", "organic", "urban", etc, which always makes me chuckle. Yet at the same time whenever I start to think things like that are so pretentious and stupid, I have to ask myself - where would you rather go eat, one of these hipster places with organic, locally sourced awesome clean food, or frickin' TGI Friday's? I'll take the hipster place. So who's pretentious now?

I saw lots of glowy new parents with their ironic mustaches and jump suits and ankle boots and knit caps on this blistering triple degree day doing the same thing I was doing - checking the place out and sussing out the other parents of similar-aged kids. Yes, strangers, our fates may soon entwine. It's true.

I joined some kind of booster society for the school and also a neighborhood organization that I really should have joined ages ago. I'm hoping all of these things will a) give me more to do in my lengthy down time and b) help me get more involved in my neighborhood. I bet there's tons of cool stuff out there I know nothing about. So, bring it on!

Went to the 10th anniversary party of the Pasadena Smc group. It was great to see people from my group with their new babies and pregnancies. Our little thinker/trier group is moving on to being a mommy group. Kind of cool.

Not a toddler person

I've been trying to figure out how to write this post. It's nothing you haven't heard before. And I feel lame after writing my last very positive, upbeat post to then follow it with this downer. But if this blog is to be an honest recounting of my day-to-day experiences, well, here it is.

I read a Washington Post article yesterday about it being ok to admit you're not a baby person/kid person/toddler person, etc, and although I know this is true that it's ok to admit, I still feel like a monster admitting it, while still admitting it nearly all the time. It felt good to read that, and especially some of the solutions to "not being a toddler person" which consisted of "upping hours at preschool" or "having someone come in to help". For some reason I thought I was the only person doing this - basically shoving my kid off on someone else a few hours a week just so I don't lose my mind. As you know B is on the wait list for the three day afternoon program...but for just a moment I had the thought, imagine if he went all five days??? And I became so utterly delighted at the very thought of this, and how excellent my life would be, that I then had to ask myself...jeez, how miserable are you that the very idea of this makes you so happy?

Now, not that five days of preschool is even a possibility for us. I could never afford it and it's not like he could just get in any old time. But man...the very idea of not having to come up with tons of exhausting activities all day five days a week! To have him just in the morning and evenings! To have weekends that I look forward to instead of dread! It would be so awesome!

And then comes the guilt. All I see all day long is women desperately looking for work-at-home jobs so they can stay home with their kids; women bemoaning having to return to work after maternity leave; women trying to figure out their home lives so they can quit their jobs. Apparently I have what every woman wants. So why do I hate it so much?

Had another exhausting play date in a park today. B screamed his head off every time someone even looked at one of his toys. I got so fed up with the endless screeching that I found myself doing really unpleasant things like rolling my eyes in disgust. He definitely has an issue with possessiveness, and I hate to say it but it might branch back to now having to share his only parent with a sibling. With Theo reaching and grabbing things now, Bobby is none too pleased - and I can see a lifetime ahead of me of breaking up fights and negotiating rights over toys/books/clothes/stuff. And the very thought of that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out. Remember that memory I have of my aunt laying her head down on the kitchen table and sobbing because we kids just wouldn't stop squabbling? Is this my future? Don't say no because you know it is. And I walked right into it, willingly.

Right now I just feel like I suck. All I live for is bed time and the days B goes to school - ie, the times I get to myself. I enjoy little to none of the rest of my day at all. Everything - bathing, feeding, playing - all just feels like something to get through. And yet I try. I try so very hard. I look him in the eye. I keep my voice light and pleasant. I always consider things from his point of view. I respect his rights as a human being. I never tease, punish, or humiliate him. I sing songs. I ask questions about his toys. I let him have choices. I administer hugs. I tell him I love him every day. When he cries I comfort him and tell him I understand why he feels that way. And I am exhausted and fed up.

Where does the baby factor into all of this, you ask? Apart from consistently robbing me of a decent night's sleep, not at all - he's just a squishy, leaky little love muffin. Babies are so frigging easy. I think I can consider myself a baby person. How can you not love a baby? But toddlers - aghhhhhh!

When the littlest of my kids is seven, I'm going to rock this shit. We can have conversations, we can do interesting cultural things around town, I can teach them about good music and movies, we can go places. I'm going to be the best school-age mom ever. But right now? Not a toddler person. Not one bit.

Mommy's Little Dividend

We survived a birthday party in Santa Barbara today, and actually had a nice time. Bumpus experienced his first piñata and behaved pretty well, probably because there were no toys to fight over! The only downside was it was wicked hot. I used to love summers, the hotter the better. Now I hate them - it just makes life with little kids that much harder (as does extreme cold which thankfully we don't have here). Theo was roasting in his carrier but wouldn't be put down, either - so I had my usual juggling act of holding baby and chasing toddler. I complain about this now but I live in dread of the day I'm chasing two toddlers. Ahhhhh!

Asked a friend of mine with two boys and about to have a third baby if they wanted to know the sex in advance - she said with much disappointment that it was going to be a third boy! Agh! Reason number 8,547 to not have a third baby! You know I'd make a third boy. That's just how this donor's sperm seems to meet my eggs. 

In attendance at the party was my friend's giant Latino family and only a handful of old dance friends. It bums me out that people make so little effort to get together anymore...and also makes me feel a little bit of a loser that I jump at any invite we get while everyone else seems to have better things to do. But that's the life of a single gal with no family around - my only social interactions come from friends. So the onus is on me to maintain those friendships and not just let them slip away.

I am not so upset about the money thing as you'd think. I'm a little bummed I got my hopes up, but oh well! This problem has a solution thankfully - it's not like this is my fixed income and I have to cut back just to get by. No, I only have to get by until February. I will have to defer one of my property tax payments but this is something I absolutely can do - it's not delinquent until after April 1st. And hopefully Theo will get me an awesome tax refund and I may get a break on health insurance come January. I also want for nothing, have a good comfortable home and a car that runs. 

One of my djs during my event was asking how I liked motherhood and I said it was great, and he said, "look at you - two beautiful kids, this great event - you've got a great life." He's right!

Today wasn't my day

Lots of bad vibes today. Just trying to shake it off. It culminated in leaving Theo screaming in his crib for a half hour while I fed B dinner, subsequently throwing said dinner down the sink because B was too wound up/distracted to eat and kept demanding yogurt (which he'd already had for breakfast), then plunking both kids in bed a half hour early because I was utterly fed up. It was that kind of day.

We went to the park for a play date and B behaved horribly. Again with the pushing littler kids when they approached him when he's got some coveted toy (never his, I might point out), and he full on ran right into the street for the first time ever and could have gotten killed. The cars were honking. It was frightening and horrifying. This could have been the worst day of my life. Now I can no longer trust him to wander a little. I'm going to have to be right on top of him from now on. 

He tantrummed all day until I gave up and hauled him kicking and screaming to the car. Wanted to slap him so badly but thankfully did not. I know he's tired and fed up and discombobulated from the weekend, I get it. The problem is, so am I. I have zero patience and am hating every minute of this full time mom crap. I need a fucking vacation. 

The old floor guy has not returned my calls for two days. Oh great. I'm sitting by my phone like a school girl.

Then tonight I foolishly decided to do the complicated math to try and figure out how I did financially over the weekend - sadly, the news is not good. It's horrible, actually. I factored in all the payments I still owe, my outstanding credit cad debt, all the uncashed checks (most of them are not cashed yet), and yes, despite having celebrated that I was up in the money department going into the event, somehow I came out broke again. How is this possible? Well, things are expensive, that's how. And when you hardly sell any merchandise or tickets because everyone buys them in advance now, well, you don't make anywhere near the money you used to during the actual event. 

Thank god there is relief in the form of raised prices come February. Unless that plan backfires and a ton of people don't show up because of the price hike. Then what?

Well, it's going to be another hell of a tight year. Right now I have just enough money to get by if I don't pay my property taxes or sales tax. Ugh. 

Nobody ever said you could do what you love and make a decent living off it, did they? 

If I were a man...

So one of the things I didn't mention in yesterday's post was the big technical problem which was the new floor guy. As some of you may recall I was given the opportunity to rent-to-own a new dance floor by a friend in the dance world who had been lobbying hard to get me to sever my decade-plus relationship with my current dance floor rental company. Well, the opportunity to possibly own a floor - saving some $13,000 plus a year - and have the added benefit of renting it out on my own - was too good to pass up. 

Over time however we mutually agreed to just keep it a rental agreement since he was concerned the plywood might break down and he didn't want me purchasing a floor that wasn't going to last. Ok, fine.

The upshot was the installed floor was very sticky. Like, twist your ankle, I think I'll sit this one out kind of sticky. Which begged the question - did he even put one foot on the floor before putting it in? Obviously not. One toe on the thing and you knew it was all wrong. This may not sound like a big deal to non-dancers - but let me tell you: dance floor is everything. People complained incessantly all weekend and quite a few people got hurt. It was the biggest technical problem I've ever had in seventeen years.

Was this guy falling all over himself to apologize to me? Nope. He pulled me aside on the second day after talking to my main door person saying he needed to speak to me. He was all shaking and wound up and I thought for sure he was going to say how sorry he was that he screwed up so royally. Guess what the first words out of his mouth were? "First of all, I don't like that bitch." Yup. He was pissed that my door person had the gall to pass on people's complaints and tell him one of the students had twisted her ankle in class. Then he went on. No sorry, no let me give you a discount. Just that he's not enjoying his weekend, he doesn't like how people are treating him, his friends all say the floor is fine, etc. I felt such intense rage against him that I swear if I were a man I would have hauled off and decked him - but I told myself to just keep quiet and let him dig his own grave. Eventually he did come around to talking about solutions and saying he hoped I'd be willing to work with him again. But man oh man. What a disaster!

I wasn't planning on kicking him to the curb...but as the days have gone by I have to say that despite the fact that I'm sure this floor will be fixed by next year and we'll never have this issue again, I just don't want to be in business with this person. He's a Vietnam Vet with major PTSD issues, is quick to anger, and has always made me feel like I owe him for his doing me this big "favor" of making me this floor. I find myself always feeling like I should be profusely thanking him, and I hate it. And he called my staff member a bitch. 

I called for my sister's opinion. It was short and sweet. "Does he make you uncomfortable?" "Yes." "Get rid of him." Done and done!

Once again I have to ask myself, if I were a man, what would I do? Fire his ass, end of story. I wouldn't give him a break because of his emotional issues or back story; I probably would have smacked him. It's just that stupid people pleasing want everyone to like me always see their side-chick thing that gets in the way when it comes to business. There's no place for that here. He didn't deliver a quality product and reacted badly when confronted about it. The end.

So I left a message with my old floor guy and drafted a letter to this guy, telling him I am severing our business relationship because I was offended by his language and attitude towards me. Hopefully he'll learn something from it. Hopefully he won't have grounds to sue me.

I had a bad feeling about him when he first approached me. Once again not trusting my gut. Ugh. If I were a man...

How did it go?

So many things to say about the weekend. Suffice it to say it went well. Tons of accolades on Facebook. We are on a roll with really smooth, well-attended years. I have zero idea how I made out financially - it may be a while before all the dust settles - but hopefully it's enough to somehow get by.

Boy, does parenthood ever prepare you for this kind of work! Instead of my life ramping up to this event and then feeling a huge crash after, now it's just back to life as usual; being in "mom mode" means I'm always living at this level of high activity, so I'm used to it. I'm also used to doing things that are painstaking, boring, unpleasant, or awkward. I'm used to having to push through those feelings and get things done. This is a very useful skill in event planning.

How was it with the kids? Well, we got by, but my poor babysitter had them nearly all day every day, which was not what either of us had planned, and which was made especially unpleasant when the first morning at the hotel I found her crying in her room and she confided in me that she thought she was losing a very early pregnancy. She said she was two weeks late, had all the symptoms, but never tested, but now was cramping and bleeding heavily. I cried and hugged her and told her my story and encouraged her that this is very common for the first time trying and it shows she can be pregnant, etc etc. But the poor woman was devastated and having all those awful thoughts of "what if that was my one chance" - you know those thoughts! So she stuck around but I felt horribly guilty about it - especially when the weekend was full of babies and pregnancy announcements. I felt for her. Hell, I've been her (minus the loving husband)!

As expected the sleep was horrible. I got maybe three hours a night, and B tearing the hotel room apart drove me utterly bonkers. Still, I was running on such adrenaline that I can't say I felt dangerously tired - I was afraid I might pass out or get sick or something, but I really did ok. The night sitter worked out great and I even got to take home a lot of the milk. Huzzah!

There were a lot of little, and some big, glitches. But I did not internalize any of them and instead spent the weekend feverishly making notes on how to improve things next year - everything from what denomination to order staff food vouchers in to who to have judge the collegiate shag division. 

Mainly I have accepted that I frigging need help and have decided to bring on people to handle all of the food for the weekend (I really don't need to spend the day before my event at Costco), arrange the djs, and run the vendor room. Every other event has a whole team of people doing these types of things; mine has always been a one woman show, but can no longer be. It's time to admit some other people may actually be better at this stuff than me.

It dawned on me halfway through the weekend that without the breast feeding issue next year, I can easily have both kids spend the day at the baby kennel on Saturday and Sunday, freeing up whoever the sitter is to actually enjoy the event. I would just need someone to drop them off and pick up at night. They would probably prefer it, and I would worry less. If only they could stay there overnight-!

So I sang, I wore ridiculous costumes, I ran contests, I made speeches, I greeted hundreds of people from around the world. I even actually danced. Not bad. Here are some shots from the event:

17th event is in the bag!

I believe the previous weekend can be summed up by this: