New Year's

This will be the first New Year's in well over a decade that I have zero plans. Part of me hates it...and part of me doesn't care. Being in a swing band means we pretty much always have a gig (the rest of the band is in North Carolina right now - as I was, with them, two years ago, remember?), and before there was a band there was always something dance-related going on. I discovered today that the Baby Kennel is not only open on New Year's but open until 2 AM (how awesome is this place?). So if I really wanted to go out and celebrate, I could. But...I don't want to.

I never drink even when not pregnant, and I absolutely loathe being around drunk people. I also am afraid to be out on the road with said drunk people. And unfortunately for everyone else but fortunately for me, there just isn't that much going on locally. So at least there isn't some awesome event going on I have to miss. But still. I won't lie when I say it's going to sting a little to be all alone at home on NYE with not even Bumpus to keep me company, since he'll have been asleep for six hours by the time the year changes. 

It's moments like these I always have to ask myself, well, what else would you be doing? How were New Year's Eves in the past? Well, the past couple were good because I had gigs and had a baby or was pregnant. But before that...meh. A little too sober and a little too reflective. Never anyone to kiss - ever. For the past ten years, except for the last two, nothing but a sinking feeling of yet another year not in a relationship, watching everyone else get married and have kids, blah blah blah. Does any 30-something single childless woman feel anything other than despair on New Year's Eve? 

So yeah, an evening on the couch alone but with a roaring fire, a nice cup of tea, and one baby asleep in the room next door and another asleep in my belly doesn't sound half bad. 

Epic fail

My glucose numbers came in almost immediately after publishing my last post. Keep in mind 130 is the cut off, and last time I got 154. Guess what this time was? Me, who (was) so convinced things were going to be different this time, that I would have a healthier pregnancy, that things would be better? A whopping 171!!! 

I was so fucking pissed when I read this that I almost threw my phone against the wall. How could this be??? And I walked around the block for an hour which when I was testing my sugars last time would usually lower my points by 20-40; can you imagine how high it would have been had I not walked around the block? 

So not only am I dangerously anemic but am a sure candidate for gestational diabetes. Great. Let's just go for the trifecta and throw some high blood pressure and protein in my urine into the mix, why don't we?

I started cursing my body again, until I forced myself to remember: your body got pregnant three times, carried at least one awesome healthy baby, responded to all the induction meds correctly and let you still have a vaginal birth, AND breastfeed for over a year with almost no problems. So...shut the fuck up.

I am debating on whether or not to do the 3 hour torture test or just start monitoring my own sugars as I did last time. I would like to take the test just out of scientific curiosity - Dr Google says even with numbers that high I may still pass - but there's no way I'm keeping B in a waiting room for a total of four hours! So unless I can baby kennel it for a weekend day or somehow arrange for childcare on a weekday, I don't think it will be possible. I don't remember last time if someone called me or if we just talked about it at my next appointment; I am awaiting a call, though, since those numbers pretty much suck. 

I'm still pretty mad and disappointed, but I know this from experience - whatever GD I had last time turned out to be a big nothing, so I'm not afraid of it, and I know what to do to manage it. The same with the iron - take supplements, bam, problem solved. Dealing with possible pre-eclampsia was way scarier because it's life threatening and there's absolutely nothing you can do to help yourself. So, could be worse, right?

29 weeks

I had a lot of apprehension about today's ob appointment. I'm pretty sure it's the reason I popped awake at 2:30 AM and was more or less awake until Bumpus came to get me shortly before seven. You know how it is - always that feeling that everything is about to go to shit. That's pregnancy for you.

But it ended up being quite a positive experience. The midwife kept telling me I looked good (and what pregnant woman doesn't want to hear that - thanks also to you commenters as well!) and so didn't really comment on my now 25 lb weight gain, thank God. She just said, "well, it is the holidays." Yes, yes it is. She said, as she shoved another coconut ball in her mouth. 

She was pleased with my choice of doula, and again promised me I would have a better birth experience this time. And this time I *kind of* believed her and did not sob in the car on the way home. She ordered my glucose test on the spot. I was a bit surprised because I thought I'd have a chance to eat well for at least 24 hours...but I really didn't want to go back so went for it. After all, my dinner last night was a conservative spaghetti squash with tomato sauce and "meat"balls, and breakfast was eggs and fake bacon. Hardly a carb or sugar to be had. So I took the test - and out of necessity had to walk poor patient Bumpus around the block for 45 minutes so hopefully the walk helped my numbers. I also got the flu shot which I had been hemming and hawing about. After that awful stomach bug I just can't face the possibility of being incapacitated again - I know people who have been laid up for over a WEEK with flu and I just can't take that risk. At least the worst of the stomach bug was for only about twelve hours while B slept. Anyway. So, did that!

I am anxiously awaiting my GD numbers. Last time it was 154 (cut off is 130). I'd like to think I'll do better this time...but I don't know. I'll be pretty bummed if not. Not sure if, upon failure, I should endure the three hour torture test or just prick my finger several times a day to monitor myself like I did last time. At least I already know what works for me - no sugars, pastas, white flours, etc; no fruit, juice, cereal, or carbs in the morning; walk off all meals, and always include protein in every meal. I'm already pretty much doing that so it won't be a huge adjustment (except for the sugar part). 

The good news is, protein in the urine is still only at "trace". I don't know how it was this time last pregnancy; unfortunately the urinalysis is not included in my old records. I know this can change at any point...but I do feel like if this were going to be a problem we'd have some indication by now. After all, it's only eleven weeks to go! The odds are *most* really calamitous things would have been spotted by now. Or at least flagged.

One big fail of the day is my iron. In looking at that part of the test it's hard to get a sense of how bad my numbers are - but I know they indicate some level of anemia which I did not have last time. I'm pretty sure I'll be put on supplements. Hey man, if they make me feel stronger and give me more energy, great! I've got a toddler and several bags of groceries to haul up three flights of stairs every week! 

A little Christmas photo bomb

Here is a shot of me from our Friday night gig, in an actual 1940's evening maternity dress (label reads "Stork Styling"):

Here are a couple of shots of me from my fancy vintage dinner night out Sunday, in another 1940's maternity outfit (this one labeled "Welcome Stranger"):

Here is evidence of Santa's visit last night:

...and Bumpus in his Christmas jammies:

...and the next morning enjoying his presents:

...and having a lovely day at the beach because it was 85 degrees:

...and me in my manatee glory:

...and now, good night! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Do you want to know?

Watching Generation Cryo tonight has made me curious about what other SMCs think about their donors (if you used an anonymous or "willing to be known" donor). The information I have about him is the profile information and two photos, a toddler aged one (that does look a lot like Bumpus) and a school-aged one where he looks about four or five (where he looks dramatically different - which makes me wonder how different B will look by then, or how different Theo may look). He did not have adult pictures or videos or audio tapes, but I wouldn't have accessed those even if I could have. 

Why? I don't know. It kind of gives me the creeps. I mean, I chose to procreate with a complete stranger, and one who is fifteen years younger than me! My sons' father is someone I have never (and may never) meet, someone I have never even seen. The adviser at the clinic once told me a story about how she and this particular donor (I guess she gets pretty chummy with them) had a conversation about how he always strikes out with women and she told him he needed to work out a little to "bulk up" (apparently he's a bit of a bean pole). This story makes me feel oddly warm towards him and also (again) a little creeped out. In three months I will have had two children by this awkward, skinny 20-something guy who can't get a date. If he were one of the young guys I know in the dance scene I'm sure I'd feel motherly and protective towards him. Sometimes all of this stuff is just too weird!

One of the SMCs in my group has an adult photo of her donor on her phone that she proudly shows us (he's freaking hot), and last time I saw her, she said she had (somehow) found his Facebook profile (!). She said she was a little bummed out by it - I forget why, maybe he was kind of a party boy...? But it did make me wonder, if someone said to me right now that they had my donor's Facebook page for me, would I look at it? I definitely wouldn't, for fear of being somehow disappointed by it. That and I just don't want to know.

I can wait eighteen years before anything more about this person is revealed to me, if it ever is. At least by then he'll be a man and not just "some kid". And I'll be in a different place, too. But right now knowing about the donor kind of makes me go, "ewwwwwww". 

How do you all feel about knowing about your donor? If someone offered you access to more information, would you take it?

Christmas week

I have had a hum-dinger of a weekend, and it ain't over yet. Months ago I loaded up this weekend with the understanding that Christmas week was going to be devoid of all activity/socialization, so I wanted to be utterly exhausted by the time Christmas actually arrived. I believe I have accomplished that goal.

Because of back-to-back singing gigs Fri & Sat nights, I have been surviving on about 4 hours' sleep the last two days, which has been brutal. This is one of the areas where single parenthood takes its toll - no option for rest when you especially need it. I considered using the Baby Kennel yesterday, ditching out on the bridal shower and Christmas party I had committed to, and instead just heading home to sleep. But I really didn't want to let people down and not fulfill my obligations (I'm a bit psychotic about that), AND I knew I probably wouldn't get any sleep anyway but just toss and turn in bed in the middle of the day, watching the clock tick down until it was time to pick B up. So. Day two of no sleep, and I still have to get dressed up and go out tonight and be "on". The irony is, had I nothing to do this weekend I would be all sad and lonely and depressed and resentful I was stuck at home while everyone else was out having fun. Did I mention I'm just impossible to please right now???

Had an awful moment Friday night wherein I checked in for a second time with my 3rd call babysitter for Saturday night, having not heard from her...only to have her apologize that she got called out of town on a family emergency. Great. And who, exactly, would be free the Saturday night before Christmas at a moment's notice? So I spent all night stressing about it, and imaging I would just have to not show up for our much-anticipated and advertised gig - something I'm grateful I haven't had to do yet. But thank GOD the sitter found someone for me who was free; and I had no choice but to trust a complete stranger with my house and child for a night while paying her every penny I made. Still, it all worked out. Definitely reminded me that I MUST start expanding my pool of babysitters. And not just people who can help out in a pinch...but are then never available when you need them. I mean real professional baby sitters who want the work and (hopefully) don't charge $20/hr. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this but I have a few resources. Thankfully for obvious reasons I won't be out much for the next six months - we have only a couple of gigs in Jan-March; the March one I may not even be able to do (experience shows me it's almost impossible to sing in your third trimester; you just have no lung capacity at all). If I need to go out in evenings this spring I figure many things I can take Theo to as I did Bumpus when he was that small, so maybe I can avoid the "two kid" rate for a while! I'm pleased the Baby Kennel offers a discount for siblings so I'd only pay $15/hr for both kids to be watched if I need a little time to myself on the weekend. So, I can still have my little getaways. 

B has not napped today despite my driving around for nearly two hours and expending a quarter tank of gas. I really don't know how to fix our nap situation. I haven't even tried to get him to nap at home - how can I? When he was stuck in the pack 'n play I could just plop him in there, pull down the shades and walk out and he would fuss a little but then sleep; now with a toddler bed and his own room he would just get up and run to the closed door and scream (in case you haven't noticed, I gave up on Operation Bumpus Plays Alone in His Room some time ago). So instead we just drive somewhere; 90% of the time he sleeps. His having or not having a nap doesn't seem to affect anyone except me - but I just wish I could get him to nap in his room! Any advice on this subject would be appreciated.

People who need people

I spend far too much time wishing "the kids" were older so we could do more fun stuff. Sometimes when I calculate just how long it's going to be before both children are potty trained, in school, able to travel, able to swim and ski, etc etc, I don't mind admitting I feel a little despair. We're talking probably five-seven years, which puts me at nearly fifty, and my elderly relatives that much older. Will I really still want to go to water parks at 48? Or attack the slopes in Big Bear? I don't know - but I hope so!

I do try every day to appreciate the moment - to appreciate Bumpus at this age and take pleasure in the little joys, while having a sense of humor about the non-joys. I think I'm *pretty* good at that. I may be bored and kind of "blah" some of the time but I am rarely angry or fed up. I remember the days not so long ago when B's kicking me while being changed or flipping around in his carseat while I tried to buckle him in would send me into an absolute rage; now I just take those things in stride, partly because they happen every day, all day long, and partly because I now recognize all kids do these things and it's normal and to be expected. I think I just had a really hard time adjusting from baby-toddler; the idea of a freewheeling active child who could hurt himself, and damage things, really freaked me out and pushed all my buttons. I'm not saying I don't still struggle with these control issues but I'm proud to say I am getting better!

The more B grows and develops, I am SO glad there is a baby brother on the way. He desperately needs playmates, especially when mommy completely sucks in that department. Every time I take him out I see how much he loves people and seeks out other children, especially older boys, to play with. He just runs up and joins their group whether they want him to or not - he is pretty much always shunned by older kids, but thankfully he's too guileless to care. Today he kept trying to engage this older boy who was all wrapped up in his IPhone game (judgment...); finally I just pulled B away because I could tell the other kid was getting annoyed and was about to "do something unpleasant". But this happens a lot - B is very social and just loves people. I'm glad I'm about to provide him with "people" of his very own to play with!