It's Manatee Season

It is officially manatee season, aka the season of ill-fitting clothes, waddling, and increasing incapacity. I think I have finally reached the point of not being able to sleep even slightly on my stomach; every Friday as I'm hauling several heavy bags of groceries and my 30 lb child up my stairs I wonder when I need to start getting grocery delivery instead. But then I remember last time and how I really felt pretty ok up until about the last week - when I hear what some women go through not being able to drive, not being able to lift anything, having to sleep sitting up, wearing compression hose, etc, I feel very lucky (and healthy). Still a little afraid of my next ob appointment and what may be revealed there. But hey, all I can do is take care of myself and cross my fingers, right?

Today we went to see Santa. It was too hot for cute holiday outfits, so B wore this random St Patty's Day t shirt and was in cranky post-nap mode, but all in all we got *a* picture with Santa, and had a pleasant afternoon with a friend and her three year old who was equally perturbed. I got a sense of what I have waiting for me - and it ain't pretty. Right now I can still "put one over" on Bumpus - he didn't know that the other child had ice cream but he didn't; didn't know that the other child got to play in the bouncy house and he didn't. He just wanted me to pick him up, and wanted to play with random dirty straws he found on the ground. These are his priorities at the moment. Suddenly toddlerhood is looking a lot easier than preschool age-!

Here are pictures from the day that I think capture his general mood - I call them The Song of No:

3rd trimester, here we go!

So, here we are, the final stretch! Every day it's comforting to me that Baby T is more and more viable; that I can be this far along and still functioning and not on bedrest and with no known issues (yet). Of course lots could be discovered at my next prenatal appointment, now two weeks away. But for now I'm able to have a positive attitude, so I will stick with that!

The best news ever - a friend recommended her cousin, an insurance broker specializing in the upcoming changes, for me to talk to for some help. I spoke to him at length last night. And I'm not going to assume anything until it's set in stone, but - there is a chance I might be one of the people the ACA might actually help. I'm so glad this guy guided me through because I never ever would have figured out this system on my own - what income to put down, to include B or not, mention the pregnancy or not, which policy to apply for? It looks like I might be able to get a really good policy - no deductible, tiny co-pays, help with the premiums, out of pocket max at under $3000. So I applied. I'm not sure what happens now - what sort of vetting I'll have to endure. B will be shifted to MediCal and nobody seems to know if he can still go to Kaiser or not - but that's not a deal breaker for me. It's not like I'm married to our neither-here-nor-there pediatrician. I'm sure with a little research I can find a good MediCal accepting practice for him if I need to. For now I will just sit tight and wait to be contacted. But I'm so relieved at least I have this guy as my advocate, just a phone call away. I've felt so alone in all this insurance mess since before B was even born; now between having the rest of my appointments with the "good" midwife at Kaiser, the doula, and now an insurance broker, I feel like I'm finally getting a handle on all this stuff!

Also, a friend checked in asking if anyone had approached me about a baby shower. I was SO relieved because I was starting to panic a little that I wasn't going to have one; it's not like you can ask someone to throw one for you, nor throw one yourself, and so many of the people involved in the planning of the last one I've drifted away from in the last two years. And I would just be sad if T entered this world with no celebration. I also really honestly do need a few things, and absolutely have no money to buy them between now and March. So...I hope someone cobbles up a little party for me!

Social skills

I think B is learning some social skills. Watching him interact with other kids in group settings, I've noticed a change in him. Rather than grabbing things, he waits until the other kid holds it out for him to take, and if the kid never does, he walks away. He hands things to other kids. He gets less hysterical if someone grabs something from him. He waits his turn. He runs up to people and "talks" to them. In other words - he's getting it! I'm so proud. Even the caretakers at the Baby Kennel said when I picked him up Sunday that he's always so good and they have nothing bad to comment about. I'm not saying he doesn't have his bad moments, like all kids, but I'm really glad he's learning how to play and share and be in a group. It's probably the most important skill he'll learn in life. 

My father has disappeared from Facebook. I went to check in on his profile since I hadn't heard from him in a while, and found to my shock that he was no longer in my friends list. He was not searchable, nor was he in my cousin's friends list. Which says to me he deleted his account. Why would a person do that? It's just part of his general shadyness. I'm not sorry to see him go, honestly. If he reappears and tries to friend me again this time I'll be smart and ignore him. Have I mentioned how glad I am that this person is in another country???

I have really knuckled down and worked hard on my business the last couple of nights. Believe you me I'd rather be sewing felt owls for Theo than wrestling with designing "info graphics" and posting on every Facebook group and page and updating my web site, but I had to just force myself. And force myself to make decisions about pricing and cut off dates and dance themes. It's a huge amount of work but once everything is set, it's set. I just have to nail down the last few sets of instructors, set up my online registration page, and blast the information all over the place. The response to the notices I put out on FB last night were really positive, so it makes me feel better about my future finances. 

One area I've been striking out all over in lately is healthcare. Whenever I call the Obamacare help line I just get told the volume of calls is too high and get hung up on; when I try to apply online I get an error page. The numbers I got to call local organizations all have full answering machines that can take no more messages. I called Kaiser today to see if I should just switch policies to get a better deal; unfortunately they all carry that $6350 yearly out of pocket max, so that's useless. I am beginning to think "do nothing" may be the only way to handle this healthcare crisis; after all, if I have a normal birth with no NICU stay all of this worry will have been for nothing. Although I did get a cryptic letter from B's special discounted healthcare yesterday that put ice water in my veins - it said because my income has increased (what?) I now have a $2250 a month cost share...which upon googling means this is how much I'd have to pay out of pocket per month before the government would kick in. Huh? I'm completely befuddled by this. But of course I called all day to get answers and all I got was a busy signal for hours, followed by yet another full answering machine that would take no more messages. WTF? Does this mean the next time B gets a vaccine I'm going to have to pay full price out of pocket...? Or pay for his well exams? Ugh. I hate all of this shit SO MUCH. It positively makes my blood boil. 

Here is a picture of B at his drum circle today:

Too Much

'Tis the season of excess, isn't it? Ugh. I feel like a big fat bloated pig who's spending herself into the poor house. For the now nearly four months since my event, I have consistently way exceeded my budget. I simply cannot manage to keep my credit card under control. And yet I feel like I buy nothing but gas and groceries. But there's always something - an oil change. A dental cleaning. A hair appointment. And next thing you know I've almost doubled what I promised I'd spend.

It's the same with food. As of this moment I've put on 20 lbs. Which according to the pregnancy weight gain calculator I furtively consult far more often than I care to admit, is completely normal for week 26. Still, if I am to gain 1 lb a week for the remaining 14 weeks of this pregnancy, it puts me at a total gain of 34 lbs. Which, again, is within the proper amount of 25-35 lbs for a woman who starts at a healthy weight. Still, I hate it because I started 10 lbs lighter this pregnancy but will end up exactly the same. It's because unlike last time I was able to eat normally during the 1st trimester. Why do I care about this? Haven't I proven I'm the lucky bitch that loses baby weight easily from breast feeding? Who cares? Still, I am afraid of being shamed by my midwife and also afraid of for some inexplicable reason not being able to lose the weight this time (it could happen). Does it matter? Who have I got to impress? Nobody. But it bugs me. It makes me feel like I'm doing a shitty job feeding myself. And I just feel gigantic and bloated and uncomfortable and gross. Blah.

So between the spending and the eating I feel all out of control and gluttonous and yucky. I spend and spend, and I eat and eat, and yet derive no pleasure from it, which is the ultimate irony. I feel totally deprived in both areas. I would love to go to Anthropologie and buy myself one nice thing for Christmas, just something to make me feel pretty and spoiled, but I don't dare. I treat myself to a pumpkin spice latte but the satisfaction is utterly fleeting. I guess I'm just impossible to please at the moment!

I see how mothers put on weight and/or spend their husbands into the poor house. Especially stay-at-home mothers of baffling toddlers. Your days are so boring and exhausting that you find yourself in a constant state of wanting to "treat" and "reward" yourself, which is dangerous. I feel myself slipping into that, and I seriously need to nip it in the bud. I instead need to find my pleasure in things that are good for me - excellent books (been reading some really good ones lately); thought-provoking movies and TV; getting outdoors; socializing; working on my business. There is a healthy way to channel this need for fulfillment. I can do it. I just need to put down the homemade fudge.

26 weeks

Today Theo has a much better chance of survival should he be suddenly thrust into the cold world. I know I have zero reason to think I'm at any risk for pre-term labor, but with all the real worries regarding having this baby, I have chosen to fixate on this because it makes every day that I don't go into labor feel like a triumph.

I have chosen the expensive, highly qualified doula and sent her a deposit. I feel like I'm in good hands, and I guess it's all about feeling safe and guided during these times. I've given a lot of thought to the whole getting to the hospital/watching Bobby issue. And the only thing I can think of is having a vast network of people who can agree to *maybe* being available for one of these tasks, with the understanding that they can say no because I have lots of other people to call. I don't think it's a good idea to rely on just one or two people, again not when everyone I know lives far from me, works, and has kids. So I might just start asking people, "do you think you could drive me to the hospital, but if not no big deal because I've got lots of other people I can call?" I think that's the only way to handle it. I also can always take a cab. I have a sitter for B but it may take her hours to get here from San Diego; if my sister happens to be here then that solves some problems. And of course if I have a scheduled whatever then all of this is moot. But I'd much sooner have a normal, non-induced labor and deal with logistics rather than an induced labor with everything in place, believe me. 

B and I have been having a pretty good time lately. It might just be Christmas cheer and/or little adjustments I've made here and there, but I'm feeling less unhappy about the whole toddler age than I was a week or two ago. Less crying and tantrums, more laughter and hugs and fun. That's always a good thing. 

That new sperm donor show

So I've been watching Generation Cryo, MTV's new reality series about a teenaged donor-conceived girl who enlists her half-siblings in a quest to locate their anonymous donor. It's a well thought out, respectful show which brings up a lot of important, and interesting issues. Two episodes in, here are some thoughts I've had about it:

I feel for the one infertile dad who's wife had twins via the donor. That must be a hellish situation for a man, particularly an older Jewish man who's whole cultural imperative is all about family and genes. I'm kind of amazed any husband consents to his wife using donor sperm, honestly, since men get all weird and egocentric about their genetic material (sometimes). When I went to my clinic to browse through their binders of donors (cheaper than ordering up profiles online, which had to be paid for), just to make sure I was solid in my choice of donor, there was a couple there doing the same, and I remember thinking, "please, God, let that be her friend or brother or someone other than her husband!"

I noticed on the show the half-siblings raised with moms and dads seemed to have the most conflict about being donor kids, whereas those raised by lesbian couples or single moms seemed the most comfortable.  Maybe it's because when you have a mom and a dad you have the picture of that "normal" family, and yet you've got this unusual circumstance, but if you're raised by one or two women or men, it's kind of like the jig is up, you know? 

I was kind of surprised to learn that their donor was NOT a "willing to be known" donor, and that one of the siblings had already attempted contact through the sperm bank but never received a reply. This started to make me feel like what these kids were doing was wrong - that this guy had the expectation of privacy and that should be honored, regardless of their "right to know" about him. I mean, when I reconnected with my father, all I really wanted to know about him was if his family had any medical issues and what his ethnic background is (being "Brazilian" is about as meaningful as being "American" - really you're either from Africa or Europe, and clearly we're not African, so what part of Europe? Turns out he's Italian). Beyond that his on again, off again presence in my life has been mostly a pain in the butt. So one would think having the basic info from the guy's profile would be enough. I get why it's not, though. But it did make me wonder if these kids were pushing the boundaries. 

I once again appreciate thoughtful, non-exploitative representations of the whole donor-conceived thing out in the media, but really, really wish someone would profile the mothers for a change, not always have it be about teenagers looking for their donor, or the donor's perspective. I just feel like the female perspective is almost always lost in this world - and yet we're the ones actually making the kids, doing all the freakin' work. Why doesn't anyone tell our stories? 

Best laid plans...in reverse

So, remember how I said I wasn't getting a tree and was going to really take it easy with the crafting/cooking/decorating this year, on account of being pregnant and having a toddler running around? Psych!

Today I was driving around and saw so many Christmas tree lots...and one in my neighborhood had cute little "apartment sized" ones, so I thought I'd pull over and just check them out...five minutes later it was in my front seat. I figured what the heck - it's light enough for me to easily carry up the stairs, and back down a month from now. I can put it on a table where B *hopefully* can't reach...and get to decorate and light it, and it was only about $10 more than the itty-bitty potted ones I was looking at previously. So tonight after B went to bed I had fun decorating (still not going to light the outside of the house - just too dangerous). I am utterly puzzled as to where my wreath hook and tree skirt went. I will have to keep digging around for those.

Also, in contemplating Christmas gifts today, I decided to make stuff. After promising no craft projects. I just can't afford to buy people presents, but it pains me not to give people anything. I get such enjoyment out of giving gifts. So I sat down with Pinterest and reviewed some of last year's un-attempted recipes and crafts, and I think I'm going to take next weekend which is pretty empty and go for it. Hey, anything I don't give away I can always freeze and save for later when I'm breastfeeding and can eat all the candy and crap I want, right?

I'm going to hit up the dollar store also for wrapping and stocking stuffers. Although today I did splurge on B's one big gift - a wooden play kitchen just like the one at the coffee shop play area we go to, which is actually pretty cheap and comes with all the accessories unlike all the others I viewed. So other than that I plan on this being a very frugal but hopefully still bountiful and fun Christmas. Hey, when you're a broke single mother you have to get creative, right?

Here is a picture of a creepy 1950's Christmas baby that freaks my friend and I out: