Freakin' dog

Woke up in a rotten mood today because the dog - not the baby - had me up practically all night. She had to get down off the bed for a drink. Ok, fine, that happens every night. Then she needed to go outside. Ok, better than peeing on the bed. Then she was hungry. Then she just wanted to bark randomly at nothing. Then she spent the rest of the early morning hours fussing around the bed whining and barking. All this while the baby slept! I haven't felt this lousy since my first night home from the hospital!

I could lock her up in the office in her dog bed at night, but I'm afraid this would only escalate the already escalating incidents of peeing and pooping on the carpet, which is becoming a daily occurrence lately. I thought she was doing ok with the baby's arrival. Maybe not so much. What to do? Any dog owners have advice? I've done everything I can to make her feel loved and included and not change her routines. I'm at a loss.

Forcing my hand

So, the day I have most dreaded is upon me. Yesterday I finally got my bill for sperm storage – and it was marked “post due” with an angry handwritten note saying I’d better settle up immediately or they’ll turn it over to collections. Apparently they sent me a bill three months ago that I never got. So that explains that! I now owe $300 for the past two quarters of storage. But now I have to decide what to do about future storage.

It will cost $450 to keep my four vials for another year. And a year is to me the amount of time I feel I need to make a definitive decision about baby #2. But wait, you ask – didn’t you already make a definitive decision about baby #2? What was all this talk about “never again” and “not for a million, billion dollars” and all that? Well, surprisingly enough I still feel that way – today. But how can I make a decision today for the tomorrow me who doesn’t exist yet? How do I know I’m not going to change my mind later, after the dust of my wretched labor experience settles and I get in the full swing of this whole parenthood thing? Is it worth $450 for me to have options, even if in a year I decide against it? Right now I’m thinking it is.

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking that if someone could guarantee me I’d never have to have an early induced labor again I might consider having another baby. I mean it when I say I will NOT ever endure anything like that ever again, not for a million, billion dollars. But as a friend pointed out, if I were to develop pre-e again, I could probably opt for a scheduled c-section. Now the idea of this gives me the heebie jeebies…but I know plenty of people who have had c-sections, some by emergency and some by choice, and not one of them had anything horrendous to say about it – most said it was a snap, that even the recovery wasn’t so bad. Compare this to the hell I went through. Is it really so terrible? In and out in half an hour, no labor pains? No days of pain and starving? It could be done…couldn’t it?

Then there’s the money issue. For sure the way things stand now I couldn’t afford two kids. But I’m moving my event to Labor Day next year. There’s a very good chance this could get me more people – to the tune of $10,000 - $20,000 more a year. If I made that kind of money, I could afford two kids. Now nothing’s guaranteed in my line of work – but is anything guaranteed in anyone’s line of work? By next year I’ll have done this event for sixteen years. Do I really think it’s all going to fall apart now, after all this time? It’s not. I see only positive things ahead, actually.

So, why this urge for more children? Especially after the negativity I spouted on here recently? Shouldn’t I just keep it lean and mean? Just the two of us? Right now it’s so easy and convenient (and cheap). Why would I want to mess with it? Well, for one, because Robert is so awesome. He’s just so darned cute and such a delight. Having another one of him around sounds lovely. And two, because 90% of the time I really love this. It’s been much easier than I thought, and I’m handling it much better than I thought. The idea of doing this again, and next time having experience under my belt and not thrashing around in the dark, appeals to me.

What doesn’t appeal to me is another pregnancy – the sickness, the endless possibilities for disaster, the scary ending with all the complications and spending my life with doctors and hospitals telling me what to do. I hate, hate, hate that part, and I believe it could only be exponentially worse at 41 than 39. And the labor – we know how well that went for me. And the early part of having a newborn, which although I got through it ok and never once lost my cool, can be pretty challenging (and imagine it without having a healthy normal kid). So why the heck not write the whole thing off and say screw it?

Because none of this is logical. Because it has nothing to do with how much money you have in the bank, how emotionally prepared you are, how much one or more children fit into your “lifestyle”. It just IS. For me the desire to have two children is no different than the desire for the first. And that first try was fraught with uncertainty and fear and some heartache and frustration – but look how it turned out! Would I be pushing my luck to try again, as an older woman? Yes, absolutely. But I pushed my luck the first time, too. It does sort of make you want to keep pushing your luck – as I am a gambler by nature.

Anyway, I’m not here to try to justify my desire for baby #2. If you were to ask me if I had to, would I do it right now, I would say hell to the no. But maybe in a year I won’t feel that way. By end of next summer I’ll know if my event is going to be more successful or not, I’ll know what’s happening with my fertility (at least from outside appearances), and I’ll have spoken to someone at Kaiser about their policies regarding elective c-sections (when medically indicated). I don’t think it’s a bad idea to just buy myself some time. After all, this whole thing was about not living with regrets. Will I regret having had the chance to have another baby and passing on it due to momentary fear/exhaustion/uncertainty? Probably! 

I mean, come on now, who wouldn't want another one of these?

Anatomy of a New Mom

This is a cartoon from one of my Weirdo comics that I read as a teenager.  This alone put the fear of God in me about becoming a parent - I am delighted to say, however, that with effort little to none of these things have come true. Still, I thought you gals might get a kick out of it.

Post price increase wrap up

Every year my price increase week is among my busiest of times, second only to the couple of weeks right before the camp in July (which is also my birthday and the time I have to clean the entire house and yard for my big pool party, after a year of neglect). So at the moment I have many unanswered emails and FB messages, again many asking me for favors and discounts, but also people just checking in with me for various reasons because my increase in Facebook activity jogs their memory and reminds them they need to ask me about that thing. This always annoys me somewhat - don't they know it's Price Increase Week and I'm freakin' busy? But then I'm reminded that no, they don't know that, and I would do the same thing. So, there you go.

So how did it end up? Well, for the early part of the day Tuesday I was in a bit of a depression, convinced there was no way I was going to make the $29,000 by midnight I'd need to be on a par with last year. I was already making budget cuts in my head. But then as often happens everything picked up after about 8 PM. The best thing is unlike previous years the system didn't crash every ten minutes ushering in a flood of angry phone calls and emails ("I'm entitled to my discount, dammit!"), also the system now sends automatic confirmations, which means I didn't have to check over every registration, I could just hang out and watch the money roll in and be there to answer questions, which were few. Having a good working online registration form with no bugs and a website with clear information makes a HUGE difference, and just in time, with a baby on the boob!

In the end I fell about $5000 short of my goal, which sounds bad but actually doesn't really mean anything when you factor in how little I currently have on my credit card, and other factors. So the money is kind of ok. The one thing that's worrisome is the fact that I have 50 more people, which technically should mean I should have $5000-$10,000 more than last year, but instead I have $5000 less. What caused this disparity? It's not hard to guess when I was stuck with a huge tax bill and a $7000 hospital bill I wasn't expecting. There's your disparity right there.

So I'm kind of annoyed the money is sucking AGAIN and AGAIN I'll have another tight year where I can't do the home repairs I've been putting off forever...but the good numbers means the camp's future is secure, and as was pointed out, I should really celebrate that I have zero debt from Robert's conception and birth, which not many choice moms can say just three months in. So today I'm feeling happy and grateful.

Evenings have been much better around here. I don't know if the baby just made a "leap" or I'm better at figuring him out or what, but last night he spent hours happily in his swing while I did paperwork, and in fact I had to wake him to eat, which never happens. Use of the paci instead of my boobs means less pain. I hope this trend continues!

I have him all signed up at the drop-in sitter place in Pasasena. I'll admit I'm afraid to use it the first time...but it's just one of those mom things I'm going to have to get used to - sometimes you just have to trust an institution to care for your child. I should think of it like the NICU - technically he's in better hands with professionals who know what to do if he chokes or falls anyway, and he's too young to be freaked out by being left with strangers. My hope for this place is that he can stay there from time to time, get comfortable there, make friends with the other kids, use it for preschool, and beyond. I hope I don't find some glaring problem with it and have to find somewhere else!

I remembered that last year during price increase week I got a terrible back ache and fever, which scared me because I was in the middle of my second 2ww after using Femara. Just a week or so later I got my first BFP, which was such a magical moment. It would end badly, but not for long. As of a year ago I was already on the baby train. And look where we are now!

Price increase day

First off, thanks for the helpful comments on my last post. As you can tell I was "having a moment", probably more a result of living with chronic pain than anything psychological. I always have to remind myself that you don't have to just put up with pain, that you really can get proactive and find solutions. It's just a holdover from my odd childhood that pain is just to be borne in silence.

So I took your advice and went out and got a new type of pacifier and broke out the Colic Calm gas drops, with mixed results. I did have somewhat of a more relaxed evening - he did like the new paci (and boy what a relief it wasn't my nipples he was chomping!) but I have to hold it on his mouth because it keeps falling out. And I'm not sure the gas drops really did anything, although I'll continue to experiment with that. Still it feels good to at least try for solutions, and not having my boobs used as pacifiers all night meant they hurt a lot less. I have no intention of giving up breastfeeding - it's working, so I'll keep doing it. But it would be great to have less (or no) pain!

Today is my price increase day, which means the last few days have been a mad rush of my event attendees getting their online registrations in before the price goes up at midnight tonight. So it's a lot of emails and phone calls from people making their last bid for a freebie or special discount before they get stuck paying a higher rate - in other words, a lot of people hitting me up for things I don't want to do, and I have to answer them otherwise they'll accuse me of holding out until the price goes up and they're stuck paying an extra $20. Then there's the people who just can't figure out my (or any) website, or people who can't get PayPal to work, etc. Customer service!

I would say all of the annoyance part is tempered by all the money I'm making, but in fact I had a bit of a shock the other day when I realized my calculations were off and I was not in fact ahead of last year, but behind. Unless I manage to make $29,000 in the next twelve hours I will officially be having an even suckier year than last year, and this being my big fifteen year anniversary that was supposed to bring in a ton more people, makes it even more pathetic. Now I could get a big rush next month so I don't want to jump the gun with my negativity, but right now it's not looking too good, and it is definitely adding to my general stress. So you want to run a dance camp for a living and be a choice mom, huh?

I say all of this with a wink. It's really ok. If I survived last year with all the fertility costs and hospital costs and am not in debt, then I must be doing something right. And right now I'm pumping and got two 2.5 oz bottles and the baby isn't crying yet. Bam!

The dark side

Ok, I've read a couple of very honest posts just now and feel like I, too, should come out of the closet about a couple of things. Don't worry, I'm not depressed (I don't think) and things are still going generally well around here. But I just wanted to mention some things that have been going on.

One thing that hit me the other day is that I've had this frenzy of activity lately - I absolutely must spend the day running around doing errands, and the more the better. I find myself bummed out when it's time to come home. Why? Because when I'm home I'm on the job. When we're out he's in the carrier and sleeps, or we're in the car and he just has to work past whatever mood he's in without my help. But at home, well, evenings are just darned near intolerable. He just fusses and fusses and fusses, and the only thing I can do is let him munch on my nipples all night, which is excruciatingly painful. And for the record, no, putting him in the carrier at home doesn't work because he just squirms and cries and wants to get out. Believe me, I've tried everything, but the only thing that works is constant nursing. And it sucks, no pun intended. So every day as five PM approaches I feel this sick feeling of dread.

Yesterday I was all proud of myself because after a little finagling I finally got the baby to nurse without the nipple shield. I was shocked and delighted. However later that night I tried it again and it was so painful - the first time wasn't so great, either - that I started using the shield again. It turns out the pain I get from nursing with it is in fact less than the pain I get without it. And I have to admit this news made me kind of bummed out. All this time I thought if I just weaned from the shield it wouldn't hurt anymore, and now I know this isn't true. So, now what? Well, at least with this knowledge maybe I can hit up my old LC for some help. But if she says I need to get him to change his latch at this stage I'm going to scream. Because honestly I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to breastfeed if I'm going to be in constant 24 hour pain like this. And no, pumping does not help, and trying to find time to pump when you're your baby's round the clock caregiver is almost impossible and a source of constant annoyance for me. So if one more person tells me I need to pump and breastfeed I'm going to punch them in the throat.

I think the pain is what's getting to me. Because I'm having these PPD-like thoughts that aren't rational - that if I were so sad about my aunt dying couldn't I have just made a memorial for her like a normal person, why did I have to have a baby? And feeling like everything about having kids is so caveman like and barbaric - that any sane, educated person would never do this to themselves. Physically, I mean. The whole pregnancy and labor part is so ancient and animalistic and nasty - we've sanitized and improved every aspect of our lives, but pregnancy and labor are still the same - just scary and dangerous and messy. I feel a trend among my fellow pregnant SMC bloggers that they're all sort of having the feeling that this isn't what they expected. I know I felt that way, especially with how sick I was for so long. But at the time I was so determined to not have another miscarriage and to "pull this off" that I rarely let myself think dark things like "I wish I'd never done this". But I think now that the dust has settled those odd thoughts are kind of creeping in.

It's not at all that I look at my beautiful baby son and wish he weren't here, nor do I really wish my old life back. I mean, I did all this for a reason, and a compelling enough reason that I put myself through all that fertility crap and spent all that money willingly, when I could have quit any time. But I'll be honest in that I dread the future. He's so little and cute and manageable now - portable and easy. I look at the mothers of toddlers and they all look harried and miserable. I am in terror of the day when he starts breaking things and making messes and has to be watched every second; when he starts saying no and being bratty and I have to actually parent him, as opposed to the relatively easy task of just feeding and changing and watching him smile and be adorable. What will I do when he's not so adorable? Is this what happens to women like my mother? When the kids start really being kids and having their own will she just turns off? Will this happen to me?

Last night I left the baby with an older couple while their son and his wife and I went to a comedy show. We were gone four hours and I'd left a bottle. When I got back the mother was walking around with the baby, and although he wasn't crying at the time, she looked freaked out and handed him off right away saying. "he's really hungry, that bottle wasn't enough," which instantly made me feel extremely guilty and like a bad mother. They all left within seconds and I frantically whipped out a boob, only to find him not that interested in eating. But I saw something in that woman's face that haunted me. It was the look of "this isn't as fun as I thought it would be." And I guess I have to admit that sometimes - though not all of the time - I think that, too.

2 month check up

So I made the leap today. The decision to have my son vaccinated. I knew I would do some version of vaccinations all along - but was unsure about delaying, skipping certain ones, etc. Everyone has a different (and very emotional) opinion on this. For anyone unsure, however, just listen to the This American Life episode called "Ruining it for the rest of us". It definitely made me think differently about these things, despite my own strange history with vaccines (or lack thereof).

I was afraid of him having a bad reaction, having a fever, being cranky, etc. However, none of those things happened. Lots of women on my chat boards said that their babies were "never the same again" and all these scary stories...they had me a bit freaked out. I think he picked up on my anxiety because he fussed like crazy all morning - then has been a delight all evening, the opposite of our usual schedule. I'm very relieved, personally. I dread the day he gets sick for real and I have to make that decision whether to take him in to a doctor or not - but that day will come and I'll just have to figure it out. It was a lot simpler when I was a kid and got sick and all you had to do was read the bible and pray. It didn't work, but at least you didn't have to be strapped into your carseat at 3 AM in your pajamas.