FAIL

Things didn't go well today. First the ob shamed me again about weight gain (22 lbs at this point, which I thought was normal), asking, "are you drinking sugary drinks? Are you eating a lot of carbs? Are you exercising?" Then I did the 1 hour glucose test and anemia test - according to the numbers on my e-mailed test results, I failed both, and not by a small margin either. What the hell...? I'm not obese, no history of diabetes in the family, cook all my own healthy whole foods from scratch, drink nothing but water, etc. How could I possibly test positive for gestational diabetes??? I feel like a big fat failure right now. And the best part is now I get to be tortured by the 3 hour test, which means sitting at Kaiser with nothing to do for four hours, starving, while they stick needles in my arm to take my blood over and over again. And if I fail that ordeal, I have to radically change my diet and/or stick my finger multiple times a day to check my blood sugar and shoot myself up with insulin. I'm in hell.

4D ultrasound pics

So I would say today's 4D ultrasound was a success!  He smiled a lot and was in a great position, so we got some terrific shots.  I had two thoughts as his picture veered on to the screen.  The first: "I can't believe that's going on in my belly." And the second: "I would die if anything ever happened to you."  Bring on motherhood!

Going paleo

I figured it’d been a while since I went on a man rant, so I thought it’d be time to dust that puppy of a subject off one more time.  Join me, won’t you?

A fellow blogger’s post really got me thinking.  It was about still having lingering feelings about never having found a partner, and the inadequacy and self-loathing (my term) this brings on.  And as you know I still have those feelings, too, even though every logical cell in my brain says, “but that’s not true, because of X,Y,Z…”  Still, I think we’re so conditioned in this society to want a traditional marriage that it’s hard to overcome a lifetime of that brainwashing.  The societal mantra is “you’re nobody until somebody loves you,” and they’re not talking about family, or friends.  They mean a man (or a woman, as the case may be).

So yes, agreed that I still have those feelings of sadness that I never found someone (despite my entire life everyone promising me that I would), agreed that I am quite bitter because of this, and agreed that I pretty much have zero hope that a satisfying love relationship will ever come my way at this point.  Still, there are certain things I’d like to point out.

Lately I’ve had a theory about us IUI/ICI/IVF Choice Mom types.  Mainly, that we’re acting entirely on our biological imperative as it pertains to both women and men.  The way we go about procreating, the men do what they’re biologically determined to do – deposit their sperm, and then go away.  We do what we’re biologically determined to do – get pregnant, and then nurture the offspring until they’re capable of taking care of themselves.  Anyone who thinks it’s man’s nature to get one woman pregnant and then stay with that woman until they die is kidding themselves.  It also is not (most) women’s nature to never have children.  In today’s world with so many choices, internet porn, and internet dating providing an endless display of available women, most men I know deter child rearing until later and later – most men I know don’t really think about having children until they’re in their mid-late forties, and as we all know, by the time we women are that age it’s just about over for us, and the men our age just want young, fertile women.  My eight years of constant internet dating showed me one thing – that nearly all women want to get married and have children, and very few men do (most men have to be tricked into it like it’s some 1950s romantic comedy we’re all living in).  So, what do you do with this?  You do what increasing numbers of us smart cookies are doing – say the heck with it and get yourself knocked up by some faceless broke college kid with great motility who jerked off for $50 one day. 

Is this “natural”?  Not in the sense that actual sex has not occurred.  But is it exactly in line with our natural, biological instincts?  I believe it is.  Now, so is murder and tribalism and those things aren’t so great either, but at least this little bit of natural instinct + modern technology is keeping the species going, and allowing kids, albeit absent of fathers, to be born into loving, well-prepared homes to mothers who want them very badly. 

Does this mean dads are useless?  Does this mean there are NO good men out there?  Does this mean all men cheat or are basically bad guys who don’t connect with their kids?  Of course not.  Unlike some women I can’t look back on my dating experiences and say they were all sociopaths, or cheaters, or jerks.  Most of them were actually pretty good guys.  It’s just that none of them ever asked me to marry them.  So, there you go.  And the single guys my age all have some kind of problem – substance abuse (whether they recognize it or not), emotional problems, internet porn addiction, etc etc.  This is the pool of mates we’re left with in 2012.  Doesn’t mean they’re not good people or basically nice guys – just not the type of person I want to tether myself to for the next forty years.  I think that’s reasonable.  And the cavewoman in me wants my genes melded with someone who’s young, healthy, tall, thin, comes from a good healthy family, and smart.  Had I had a kid with my last boyfriend, my kid would be short, squat, have bad teeth, and ADHD.  Which would you choose to propagate with?  Be honest, now.

I read some blogs of women in relationships having massive struggles in their relationships – all the back and forth, the break ups, the unwillingness to let go.  And I don’t judge them, believe me, I’ve been there a zillion times.  But the thought that always occurs to me when reading about all the drama is, “Ugh.  What a waste of this woman’s time.”  Kind of how I felt when I uncovered literally BOXES of religious study materials I had hidden away – notebooks, literature, periodicals, letters to and from my mother all about “insights” from the religion.  What a massive, monumental waste of time.  As was dating, for me.  Just an endless roller coaster of rejection and unrequited love.  Who needs it?

So yes, I still live in that strange netherworld of being jealous every time I see a Facebook profile picture changed to a ring on a finger, and at the same time smugly sitting here alone with my pregnant belly feeling like I’ve got it all figured out.  What does this all mean?  Well, I hope for a couple of things.  I hope I can overcome my bitterness about men enough to raise a wonderful man who will be able to have fulfilling healthy relationships.  I hope I can entirely make my peace with being single, enough to actually be happy for people who find love in this crazy world.  And who knows, maybe I’ll even find it for myself.  But I doubt it.

...and another great one goes

I was out dancing tonight and we all got word via our smart phones that our friend passed away just hours ago.  He's the one in the striped shirt in this picture from I believe about 1937.  We all immediately burst into tears and held each other. I know this has nothing to do with pregnancy or single motherhood but I felt the need to acknowledge him.  He was a great dad, husband, dancer, and all around swell guy.  I'm glad we got to know him as long as we did and I hope he got some pleasure out of watching us "kids" carry the swing dance torch around the stadium one more time.  Tomorrow I have to put in a very difficult call to his wife; I'm just going to have to put my big girl pants on and suck it up and not blubber on the phone.  Whew!  It's going to be really hard.  So glad I got to see him one last time and say goodbye.  I've learned goodbyes are really important, actually.

Heartburn

I had one of those nights last night where I was up a lot.  I made the mistake of not drinking much water throughout the day and then trying to make up for it by drinking a lot right before bed, which then meant I had to get up about five times to pee.  Oh, and take Tums, because I’ve been just wracked with heartburn lately (no doubt a result of the big pot of spaghetti and vegan meat balls I made a few days ago).  As symptoms go, the heartburn has not been a major problem for me – but it has been unpleasant, I won’t lie.  Mainly I’m just sick of the fruity, chalky Tums, especially when I have to take them after I’ve brushed my teeth.  I can’t believe some non-pregnant people have to deal with this all of the time!  I feel like an old man with my formerly huge economy sized Tums container by my bedside, now barely half full.  I thought for sure I’d have that bottle for years.  Not so much!

Speaking of old men, went to visit my ailing 94-year-old friend Saturday.  It was not as emotional as I’d expected – for a variety of reasons.  I think I shut myself down a little bit because a) his wife was distraught enough and I wanted to be strong and positive for her, and b) I know when he actually does go (could be any day now, really) that will be the big moment to release the floodgates, not now.  But also I feel fairly rational about it all – I mean, he’s lead a wonderful, long life.  He’s so loved and respected in our community, and is surrounded by family and friends.  It’s sad that he’s had dementia for years and so probably doesn’t know how loved he is, and I certainly don’t like the fact that he appears to be physically suffering a bit.  But really, isn’t this what we all want, to have a family and a community of friends and to live well into our 90s?  I know I do!

So we’re all on pins and needles a bit waiting for “the call”.  You never know how this stuff is going to go – although in his case it would be a miracle if he made it more than a few months, since he’s been released to hospice care and now it’s all about just making him comfortable.  For all the elderly people I know in the dance world it’s completely amazing to me that I’ve only experienced a few deaths – about four in the last ten years or so.  I guess dancing does keep you young, since most of these guys and gals made it to their mid-nineties.  It’s always very emotional and hard, but I accept that it’s part of life. 

With all the work-related blog posts lately, I have been having my usual series of “having to return to some crappy job” nightmares over the last few days.  Some people dream of being back at high school with no clothes on; my nightmare of choice appears to be having to go back to some crummy retail job, and not remembering how to work the computers or cash registers, and all the customers piling up and getting mad at me.  Had a doozy last night.  They always leave me shaken and in a bad mood.  I guess there are so many people around me, in real life and in blog world, who are having a rough time with their work right now, and I SO know that feeling.  I remember my last job I used to have horrible insomnia and panic attacks every Sunday night because I hated it so much and was so dreading the week ahead.  And we’re in a unique position in this economy because people feel trapped in bad situations, and/or feel like they can’t complain because they should “be grateful to have a job at all”.  Which to me smacks a little bit of “being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone.”  I guess what I’m trying to say is I SO empathize with anyone struggling in their job right now!  I’ve been there and could be there again at any time.  It’s that fear that keeps me on my toes whether I’m awake (or asleep, apparently).

For me, my job involves getting set up for opening of registration for my event on Feb 1^st.  So there will be a big flurry of activity the next couple of weeks, which I am dreading because a lot of it is new territory for me – setting up an ad on Facebook and working social media for all it’s worth (I suck at this), making sure my new online registration page actually works, jazzing up my website (I suck at this, too), and in general trying to raise some level of enthusiasm and excitement for my event which I have pretty much ignored since the holidays hit.  I wish I could afford to pay people to do this stuff for me, but I can’t.  I also discovered that although this is my 15^th anniversary of the event, a much bigger event at the same time is having their 30^th anniversary, and there’s tons of buzz about this, so I’m feeling a little threatened.  I keep reminding myself that this event is in Sweden and not everyone has the means to go to that, and it only appeals to a certain audience which is not necessarily my audience.  But I already feel a little eclipsed, and that’s it’s going to be a real uphill battle to daily try to convince people to come to my event and not go to their event.  Sigh.  Oh yeah, and in the middle of all this I have this little thing called “having a baby” coming up in about 2 ½ months.  Help!

The cycle of life

Today I just couldn't get my butt out of bed for yoga, so decided to be extra productive instead. So, dealt with some e-mails I've let linger far too long, arranged a hospital tour, set up classes (I thought it was a one-time baby care class but apparently it's four weeks of baby care, labor & delivery, breast feeding, and various other topics), and made major headway with my registry/shower invites. I finally settled on a stroller and car seat, and am a final bidder on a high chair on eBay.

I have my 4D ultrasound next week, so really the only thing I have yet to set up is some kind of maternity photo shoot. I feel like things are finally winding down.

Tonight my cousin called to tell me his wife surprised him with a pregnancy announcement - they thought they were done, already having two boys. I cautiously asked how old she is - 40, as it turns out, the same age I'll be if I try for #2. So I guess there is hope for us old gals! I'm of course happy for them, and it knocks me out that my funny shy cousin who used to sit quietly and draw pictures of the Titanic is going to be the fertility over- achiever of the family. It's funny how things turn out!

Tomorrow I go to visit my 94-year-old friend for probably the last time. It's going to be a tough, emotional day, and I am kind of dreading it. These old time dancers really became surrogate grandparents for us "dance kids" over the last 15 or so years, but now for a lot of them their time is running out.

Does the pain of loss of loved ones sting less when you have a new life on the way? Yes, absolutely. I always say you need to have something to look forward to in life in order to have some level of happiness, and children I think fill that need. You get to focus on their milestones and their future, and, more importantly, focus less on yourself. So it is definitely going to feel different saying goodbye to this friend - still sad, of course, but this time with a new feeling, the feeling of continuance. My son will know about this man, and hopefully go on to tell his story long after I'm gone. That's what it's all about, isn't it?

Advice from one who's 2/3 of the way there

So I realize that most of the women who read this board now are probably either farther along than me or have babies already, but I’ve been keeping a list of “oooh, I wish I’d known about this before” things I’ve learned thus far and thought I’d pass it on, so maybe some future thinker/tryers will get some benefit from it!

Get insured before getting pregnant – this may be obvious to some people, but you’d be surprised by how many people I’ve talked to who had no maternity insurance (or any insurance at all) and thought they could “add it later”.  Apparently like everything else, pregnancy is considered a “pre-existing condition”, so once you’re knocked up, you’re screwed, so to speak.  So as much as it may suck paying a higher premium for months or even years not even knowing if pregnancy is possible for you, it’s kind of imperative.  Also if you’re self-employed like me and have to buy your own policy, don’t go for one that requires you pay a percentage of the birth – with an emergency c-section, NICU, complications, etc, your bill could run upwards of $100,000, and yes, that means you’d be stuck with $33,000 PLUS your deductible.  So, when it comes to insurance, don’t take anything for granted and ask lots of questions!

Use cheapie internet or Dollar Store pregnancy tests.  I spent countless hundreds on high end expensive digitals before doing a little research and discovering that these tests are actually equally accurate and CHEAP.  Believe me, you’ll want to pee on sticks all day, for days.  So why not?  I typically started testing around 10 dpo (this is without an hcg shot – if you have anything in your system that may cause a false positive you’ll probably need to wait a few more days).  Peeing on sticks is tons of fun, and at $1 or less a pop you can have at it.  There’s nothing worse than not testing for several days in a row because you don’t want to spend another $50!

With that said, once you have one or two BFPs, stop testing.  You can have false negatives (not enough hcg in your system yet, pee too diluted, etc) but not false positives unless it’s one of those extremely rare cases of a faulty test.  Don’t make yourself nuts by testing for days afterwards trying to determine if you’re “still pregnant”.  Every test measures/displays positives differently, and a million things can influence how dark the line is – again, pee too diluted, wrong time of day, different batch of tests, etc etc.  If you really need to know that the pregnancy is progressing properly, have your hcg levels tested over a series of days by a doctor.  Other than that, all you can do is check for spotting and wait for that viability ultrasound!  It’s nerve wracking but taking home pregnancy tests will not give you the answer you want and may drive you crazy.

Ask what’s going to happen at your ob appointments in advance!  I’ll never forget how heartbroken I was when I went to what I thought was going to be my viability ultrasound and instead just did paperwork AND had to down a glucose drink when I was already so sick I could barely get in the car to get to the appointment.  Had I known what I was in for that day I would have been better emotionally prepared.  So now I always ask, “so, what happens at my next appointment?”  Surprisingly this information is never offered unless you ask.  So, ask!

If you get really knocked out by nausea in your first trimester, here are some things that helped me.  Of course everyone is different, and nearly all the suggestions I got didn’t help me.  But just passing this on anyway.  The things that helped me were: not getting out of bed until eating something (crackers or rice cakes), bringing crackers with me everywhere (when I could leave the house, that is), and forcing food down my throat in the rare moments where I felt a tiny bit better.  Now I had entire days where I could manage nothing – but I knew it was important to try to eat whenever I could, whatever I could, and to drink water, and take my vitamins.  I drank a lot of Ensure.  I also let myself eat whatever I needed to – my favorites were bagels, rice cakes, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bananas, rye toast, string cheese, cottage cheese, apple sauce, and dry cereal.  Balanced?  No. Healthy?  Not really.  But it kept me going just enough to survive.  If you haven’t been able to keep anything down for days, even water, you have to go to an ER.  You may have hyperemesis which is a serious condition that could endanger your life or that of the baby.  There are lots of safe prescription meds for first trimester nausea – I tried one, Zofran, which many people love.  Didn’t really work for me, but I’m glad I gave it a shot.

One you’re in the second trimester, get a Doppler!  I got the Sonoline B off of ebay for just $50 and it is to this day the best investment I’ve made.  Now, just a word of caution that it won’t work for everyone – if you have an anterior placenta, for example.  So don’t freak out if you can’t find the heartbeat.  It doesn’t work for most people until about 12 weeks (I started using mine at I believe 15), and even then doesn’t work all the time.  I’ve had a few instances where it was eerily silent in there – but I had promised myself to not freak out, and instead wait an hour or two, drink some oj or eat something, change position, and try again.  Also don’t try to use this as an analytical tool, as in “does the heartbeat sound weird?  Is it slower/faster than last time?  What does it mean???”  The heartbeat on this thing pretty much always sounds weird, and the rate changes all the time.  One night I remember it was about half the rate it had been the day before – but then I put it away, waited, and tried again and it was fine.  It’s a limited little machine but SO worth it for those freak out moments (that at 28 weeks I still have, btw).

And finally, an odd little tidbit I picked up from the WTE boards – take off your rings!  I have a couple of rings I love that had gotten kind of tight, which I thought nothing of until I read that sometimes hospitals will cut them off of you.  So, don’t wait until your rings can’t be removed by you – take them off now as your hands swell so you don’t have to worry about them being destroyed later (or even if not, cutting off your circulation and making the hand swelling feel worse).

Ok, so that’s my list of first, second, and early third tri advice.  Any experienced mommas are welcome to chime in their wisdom!