More and more these days I think about my life’s final act - even though I’m far from being a senior yet - and making plans. The other day I was fiddling around with my retirement slider and thought perhaps ending my event on its 40th year - 2038, when I’m 66 - might be the most appropriate. Now “ending” may not be the right word; of course it would be preferable for it to continue (assuming people still want that in 12 years), but I’m skeptical that I could either find someone to buy it or even anyone willing to take it on as a career. I could be wrong about that; the best scenario would be some bright young thing (who may not even have found swing dancing yet) to take on the event and either give me a big clean payout up front or pay me a small tribute every year as payment (I did this years ago when I bought a weekly swing dance business). Still I need to be prepared for the fact that it may just end. Right now I don’t feel the need or desire to continue it past the 40th year, unless, of course, I have to to survive. But it’s exhausting and stressful and the political demands have gotten way out of control - and I’m happy to cater to all the side groups that want their own spaces, don’t get me wrong - but it’s A LOT. One thing you don’t realize when you’re young is just how TIRED you’re going to be when you get older. This is something I discuss with my contemporaries a lot; how I just don’t want to do anything anymore. I used to have all sorts of ideas for other events or other businesses, new starts at life, etc…but now I have no ambition and no desire to do anything but just slowly fade away. And I don’t mean that in a sad, dark sense - I mean it in a content sense; I’ve done all I wanted to do in this life, and I’m satisfied.
Or it could just be the perimenopause talking.
My period is due today, but I’ve been having what could possibly be considered mild hot flashes for the last couple of weeks. I know what a real hot flash feels like, I had them when I was breastfeeding, and this is definitely not that. But it could be mild ones. I’ll just start getting hot and spontaneously sweating for what appears to be no reason; again, it’s either all in my head, or a sign that something is shifting in my body. I sincerely hope my periods are finally starting to abate; whatever this menopause thing throws at me, I just want to get it going already.
We took Bobby to see The Shining on Saturday. He liked it - he’s seen enough horror movies now that I don’t think this was as scary for him as it was for me when I first saw it when I was eight (!). Never having seen it in the theater before, I was really struck by the sound mixing (something that doesn’t come across on a small tv), and having watched enough explainer videos now, was interested to see the themes of Native American genocide and white male control and domination. WOW. I mean, maybe this is just where my head is at right now so I’m reading into it, but I was really amazed at those themes and how well they’re presented. In the end, a black man and a woman are the heroes despite all the “huffing and puffing” of the toxic white male, who even gets outsmarted by his own five year old son. Fascinating!
The boys are still into Halloween and even seeing the Bob Baker marionette puppet show next weekend. So often I wonder if they have any sentimental thoughts about their earlier childhoods; sometimes I think no, that they’re just living in the moment, but then when they want to go to this puppet show I know they must have some thoughts about it. Either way I’m looking forward to having a fun family weekend of trick or treating and movies and puppet shows. I’m enjoying this time.
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