I’d love to say “we’ve been here before and survived” - something you can say about wars or economic disasters or terrorist attacks or, even at this point, global pandemics - ! - but we haven’t actually been here before. And I don’t think we’re going to survive, not as a democracy, not as a country. And many actual people aren’t going to survive, either. I heard today that, as promised, the orange turd is vowing to withhold all fire aid to CA unless congress democrats give him everything he wants. Which makes me so ill I can’t even stand it. I want to punch walls and break things. Can we become our own country now and stop subsidizing all the stupid red states that voted for this piece of shit? The Jan 6 pardons, the removing all DEI initiatives and employees, the erasure of anything lgbtq from all federal agencies…I’m just so utterly disgusted. I could go on and on. I’m just full of rage at all times. I can’t believe we’re living this nightmare. And once again he openly told us he got Musk to mess with the “vote counters” in Pennsylvania and nobody is going to do a damned thing about it. He cheated his way into office, is going to utterly destroy this country, and nobody fucking cares. I can’t stand it. I just can’t stand it.
In the meantime, of course, life must go on. I’ve got a few very stressful things coming up, which is adding to my depression and anxiety. I am actually a little better, illness wise - the congestion is easing enough that I can at last mostly taste again, and I’m only blowing my nose 10-15 times a day and not 50. Which means I don’t really have an excuse to not sing tomorrow and Saturday…but I’m really going to struggle to do so, also. I’m going to try to practice a little today so I’m sure I can actually do this. Either way I’m dreading it. Also, being back in a highly charged social situation which I am not prepared for at all. I’ve been completely isolated (other than my family) for a month now; to suddenly be in a room with hundreds of people that all need to be greeted graciously, some of whom are friends I’m seeing for the first time who lost everything in the fires…I just can’t. I honestly wish I were still so sick I could just get out of it entirely.
Then the other sword of Damocles is my looming colonoscopy on Tuesday. I really, really wish I had planned this for some other time. As of today, I can no longer eat most fruits or vegetables or grains or nuts or seeds or beans (so basically my entire diet); as of Monday, I can’t eat anything at all the entire day and have to start this revolting clean out, then Tuesday I have to get up at 5 AM and continue to force this crap down my throat for hours until I finally have the procedure. I know I’m being a big baby - everyone has to do this sooner or later, and plenty of people endure far worse medical things on a daily basis - but I am completely dreading it. And then of course there’s the fear of what they’ll find. What if they find cancer, and this ends up being my “cancer year” on top of everything else? Look at me, catastrophizing.
So basically right now I’m just waiting for next Wednesday. Everything between now and then is just stressful and scary. I’m hoping, too, that after the “shock and awe” of these first few days in office, the outrages will be fewer and further in between rather than one every five minutes. I knew this week would suck and boy was I right.
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