Don’t let the door knob hit ya

It’s finally here - the end of 2020. I wish I could say I’m relieved - in some ways I am, since there are certain things that are *pretty much* guaranteed to be better in 2021; however, I know this is going to be a long, slow recovery out of the mire. Will we be better off by end of next year? God, I hope so.

There was nothing about this pandemic experience that was good, helpful, or inspiring. It was just something to be gotten through, and so far, we have. Knock wood on that. I’m glad other people have learned lessons and will make big changes going forward; I, on the other hand, just want this nightmarish bullshit to be over so I can have my life back as it was (except with an additional $200,000 in debt, yaaaaaay). 

But. I am profoundly grateful that we are, as of this moment at least, all healthy and alive. I’m grateful for the economic support I’ve been able to get so that we’ve been able to still live comfortably (even though, yes, horrific debt). I’m grateful the kids are happy and thriving and their schooling, while a pain in the ass, is actually bearable unlike last spring. I’m grateful my relationship has survived - and, indeed, thrived - under these circumstances. I hope going forward having the BF around more becomes a regular thing. That’s the only thing I would change about our old life. 

The last few days as I’ve seen a) this new, more highly contagious strain of COVID invade our shores, and b) the vaccine rollout fall woefully short of plans, it’s made me a lot less optimistic about running an event in 2021. Honestly...the thought of trying to put on an event as the pandemic is still not contained completely, fills me with dread. I don’t want to do it. The idea of demanding everyone has been fully vaccinated before entry, having to still limit attendance and force mask wearing for the entirety of the event (which is probably the only way to hold an event next year) sounds so perfectly horrible that I’d rather just skip it. Just skip it and wait until we can have an event the way we want it, normal. There’s a good chance ordinary folks like us won’t get our second dose of the vaccine until well into the summer. How, exactly, am I going to plan a huge international event in just a month or two...? So this has been on my mind. As much as it will hurt financially and as much as I worry about people forgetting about us...I worry more about putting on a sub-par, break-even and possibly dangerous event that’s just going to stress me out. No - instead I’d rather open registration for 2022 on what would have been my 2021 weekend, *maybe* throw together a very abbreviated virtual event of one day or maybe not do anything at all, and leave everything to settle for a full year so we can come back strong and safe. That’s my thought at the moment. I’m sure in another five minutes I’ll change my mind again.

Most importantly first thing next year is we get rid of Trump. And if we win the Senate next week, even better. My children are bound to return to school at some point next year, especially if school staff can get vaccinated soon which it sounds like they will. I’m still holding out for a post-spring break return.

Speaking of spring break, I have painstakingly orchestrated a week-long desert extravaganza for us, starting with two nights in yurts near Julian (apples, mines, gold rush CA stuff), then three nights in cabins at a campground in Anza Borrego state park (dunes, slot canyons, hikes, desert bloom), and finally two nights in Desert Hot Springs in cabins at a cheap resort where I’m hoping we can soak in mineral waters at night (from here we’ll visit Salton Sea’s Bombay Beach for real desert decay and general weirdness). I’m inordinately excited about it. Three months can’t come soon enough. And my boys will be seven and nine then. Crazy.

So here’s to kicking 2020 out with the trash along with Trump and the first miserable year of the COVID nightmare. I don’t expect 2021 to be a good year but I do expect it to be better. Please.

In other news, Theo lost his first tooth, and today I’m trying out THC balm for my awful unrelenting arm pain and I *think* it might be working. 

Happy New Year, everyone!

A very pandemic Christmas

We Christmassed. Christmas Eve we did our usual drive through Hastings Ranch to look at lights (sans friends this time), then brought home Chinese food. Earlier in the day I drove all over town dropping off home made candy on friends’ porches, then I made gingerbread men and prepped overnight cinnamon rolls, we got the kids to bed, put out the presents, and collapsed.

The next day was the usual orgy of trash and batteries and help needed setting things up - but I have to say, I’m pretty proud of these kids; maybe it’s the posting of the Christmas rules every year, but they are always very well behaved; they appreciate even the non-fun presents, share nicely, and there’s no meltdowns or whining or fighting. Some friends shared horror stories of their kids’ behavior. I get it - our kids don’t always act the way we want, especially around high stress occasions like holidays or birthdays. But I think there’s something to be said for plainly laying out expectations and making sure they’re understood. Either that or my kids have just finally reached the age where they have better self control. Who knows. At any rate, it was a pleasant enough day (I collapsed in bed for a nap at one point though - my shoulder pain woke me up at 5 AM, and I was way over stimulated). We did the thing. The holiday trifecta has been survived, and under pandemic rules, too. 

And so...now what? Week one of the three week winter break is over. I’m going to get a jump on my taxes next week, while trying to keep these kids entertained all day. Then we kick 2020 to the curb and hold the collective prayer that 2021 treats us better. 

All of us dance organizers are looking at each other wondering if we’ll be able to operate this year, and if so, what it will be like. When will we get vaccinated? When will the kids return to school? The possible new COVID relief bill brings promise of new small business help...as long as fucking Trump doesn’t sabotage the whole thing, which looks likely at the moment. God. Only 25 more days under the iron grip of this asshole. I am literally counting the seconds. 

Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law

So for the past four days we have been off grid at a crazy hippie compound in Joshua Tree. It was one of the first places I put on my “saved” list, and we tried to stay there in Sept but it was double booked. Now was our time. I had some misgivings due to it being dead of winter and with the current state of the pandemic, but it turned out amazing and I’m so glad we went. These monthly getaways are such a lifeline for me. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last year without them.

Our lodging was a tiny two room fantasy house on top of a boulder. It was the hippiest place I have ever been.

There was a small propane heater for the cold nights, a port-a-potty around the corner, and we did our minimal cooking outside. 

The place itself was a vast sprawling hippie paradise, with random camping spots, trailers, and structures. We spent one day rock scrambling at the National park, but honestly we could have spent all our time just exploring the grounds. 

There was a big open area where a large group had gathered to do yoga and various winter solstice activities. Last night was also the night of the Saturn and Jupiter convergence, which we stayed late at the park to observe and which I think also drew visitors to the hippie compound. We of course stayed far away from everyone, which wasn’t hard to do. 

The boys never tire of rock scrambling, which makes me so glad - it proves that they can, in fact, be entertained by something other than Minecraft and inane gamer videos.

With my arm in the state it’s in, I have to sit out most of the more athletic activities, and all week I had to be extremely careful and mindful of every single movement, from how to pick up a pan to how to navigate the treacherous stairs up to our Boulder house (I tripped once, and just the act of putting out my hand to stop myself from falling put me into a spasm of miserable pain for many minutes - things like this happen multiple times a day). It’s very mentally and emotionally draining to have to live like this, and it really puts a damper on everything. It occurred to me that when summer comes I probably won’t be able to swim. But then I think, by the time summer comes so many other things will have happened - Biden inaugurated, a vaccine, kids back in school, an answer on whether I can run my business or not - things will be so different by then I probably won’t even recognize myself, frozen arm or not. 

At any rate we had a great time, I loved the wind and the cold and the silence, and the BF and I were both reluctant to leave. Now if I can just talk some hippie-tolerant friends into joining us there in a few months when it’s warmer and hopefully we’ve all been vaccinated...

Done with school

And now we’re done with school. I’m proud of the boys with how well they handled this week. There’s definitely part of me that thinks my particular kids are more suited to at home school than actual school - the shorter hours, frequent breaks and constant access to video games and gamer videos seems to suit them. Part of me is not looking forward to the return to school and what an upheaval that will be - the getting up earlier and hustling out of the house, the social complications, the needing to be more on top of work/supplies/cleanliness etc. The way things are going, though, it’s going to be a long-ass time before that starts happening. Maybe after spring break if we’re lucky. 

The Los Angeles coronavirus numbers are positively hideous. After watching Italy and New York in horror this spring...now, it’s us. LA is the world epicenter for COVID at the moment, with no sign of letting up. Indeed, with Christmas just a week away, I don’t see our numbers dropping until well into February. Our ICUs currently are at zero capacity, which has made us all afraid to drive or do anything physically risky. It’s all horrifying. It’s so much worse than back in March, and yet we were way more scared and cautious then. At least now we have more information - we know how it spreads and what activities are safe and which aren’t (although honestly nothing seems safe at the moment), and the first vaccines are being administered to health care workers as we speak, with the general public to follow in maybe two to three months...? There is a light at the end of the tunnel for sure. It’s just that the tunnel at the moment is very, very dark.

In the midst of all this horror we have, in fact, decided to go to Joshua Tree tomorrow. I have mixed feelings even though I know the logic is correct - we won’t be in contact with any other humans, so what’s the harm? Still, it’s nerve wracking. This could be a fun getaway or it could be the worst decision of my life. Everything is at that level right now. So we will be off grid in a crazy hippie compound sleeping in a fabricated Boulder house for three nights. We might freeze our asses off and come home on day 2. It’s going to be very cold and there’s no electricity. Am I crazy? Don’t answer that. 

I am going to hide this trip from everyone because I know I’ll be judged for it and I understand that. I, too, am silently judging friends who post about visiting family, getting on airplanes, meeting with friends indoors. I don’t know their circumstances. Maybe they’ve all been rigorously testing. Maybe somebody is profoundly depressed and lonely and the risk of them being left alone at the holidays is worse than the minor risk of catching something while traveling. If our trip involved campgrounds, shared facilities, hotel rooms or airplanes I wouldn’t do it. I’m only going because I know we’ll be alone. But still. I know every step outside this house is a risk of turning our happy family into a horrible preventable tragedy, and that fills me with terror. God, that vaccine can’t come fucking fast enough.

In other news I risked infection this week to go see a Kaiser physical therapist about my arm, and Lo and behold, I have something called “frozen shoulder” that apparently is very common among women my age, has no cause and no cure. And can take 1-2 years to resolve. And there’s really nothing I can do to help myself or speed healing. I can get a shot if the pain is unbearable, but apparently many people get zero relief from it, so I’m reluctant. I’m glad “do nothing” is the answer, rather than “submit yourself to hours of agonizing exercises every day or risk losing use of your arm permanently” which is what I was afraid of. The thought of enduring this misery - having maybe 20% function of my left arm, with many agonizing episodes per day - for up to another year or two positively fills me with despair. I’ve had this since March - maybe I’ll be lucky and it’ll resolve by March again; maybe it’s only just now morphing into “frozen shoulder” and I have a year or two more to go. It’s awful. Just another fucking awesome thing to visit me in 2020. Ugh. 

One more week of home school this year

It’s Friday and time to celebrate another week of survival. Survival of COVID, survival of distance learning. Three people in my FB feed posted about losing parents or grandparents today to the virus. There will be a lot more of this in the coming months. It’s like Jonestown in slow motion. 

I burst into tears in the car. It’s all too much. 

Now, Chinese takeout and a family soak in the hot tub, because why not. Grateful for every thing and every one we have, right now. 

We are down to one week left of school in 2020. On their last day of school in March - March 13th, Theo’s birthday - I turned to the boys in the car as I dropped them off and said, “ok boys, this may be your last day of school for a really long time - be sure to be nice to your teachers today, ok?” Even then I never would have imagined we would close out the entire year STILL not in school. And with no plans to go back. My kids will likely never see a school room for their 1st and 3rd grade years. Possibly even the start of their 2nd and 4th grade years. It’s nuts. 

They are a bit antsy but doing ok on this penultimate week. I am dreading the three week break - but then I have to remind myself, it won’t be that much different from the summer, only that with the complete shut down I won’t be able too see any friends, there will be no pool days, and I won’t be working on an event. But at least I won’t be dragging kids through schoolwork. I’m worried about my own boredom, but maybe now’s the time to start some projects, like taxes, foreign languages, books, etc. 

Hanging in the balance is our Joshua Tree trip next Saturday. The contact person for the hippie compound we’re staying on has not canceled us, and a quick check of their other structures confirms that we will be completely alone there. We’ll only be visiting the national park, which should be ideal for social distancing. I know that we will be safe there as we’ll have virtually no contact with people the whole four days. However, we would be defying our state mandate to not leave home. I’m a rule follower and it bothers me to consider this. But. I’m going to give myself a few more days to contemplate. I’m loath to give up the one thing I have to look forward to other than a vaccine in six months’ time. 

Our school offered a “gifted child” zoom a few nights ago; I attended hoping it would shed some light on testing vis a vis middle schools; it ended up not being that at all, but was still really interesting. It ended up being a “how do I deal with my high energy, unfocused child” support group of sorts. I had always assumed “gifted” meant extra smart and excellent grades - it actually sounds more to me like children on the spectrum (mild) with some ADHD tendencies and sensory issues, some of which Bobby exhibits, some which he doesn’t. I’m pretty confident that if tested he would qualify as gifted, which would inform his entire school career going forward. It’s pretty fascinating to think of how much is done to support kids with different brain function these days, and how much people in my generation were left to fend for ourselves with our OCD/sensory/ADD issues. We truly are the lost generation - kids in school in the 70s and 80s. Kids can’t be depressed! That obsessive behavior is just a bad habit, just knock it off! If you’re failing school you get kicked out of the house (the BF). But our music kicked today’s music’s ass so that’s something...?

My hope is Bobby can finally take the 2nd grade OLSAT which he missed by a few days in March when school does return so we can see if he’s considered “gifted” or not. I’m genuinely curious. 

Christmassing

We finally Christmassed yesterday. The BF went to Home Depot alone to get the tree then spent the rest of the day hanging our lights on the house. I decorated and made our belated Thanksgiving dinner - apple pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes, peas, gravy, and oversaw everyone else’s ham and turkey while I had a sad little soy patty for my protein. Ah, the life of a vegetarian at the holidays. Oh, and the stuffing mix the BF brought had chicken in it. FML.

All in all, though, it was a great day. The boys were delighted by all the Christmas stuff, and Bobby insisted on wearing a Santa hat at zoom school today. I’m so glad they’ll have fond memories of this time despite it all.

Los Angeles has returned to extreme lockdown. Too bad I missed my hair appointment the week before Thanksgiving because it’ll probably be months again before I can get in there. I also missed my last chance to see a friend for outdoor lunch. I’m glad were able to take our Death Valley trip - apparently all campgrounds have been closed. It’s all a huge bummer. And the numbers in California are absolutely atrocious - way worse than summer. Oh, it’s going to be an awful few months. How will we all get through this?

Every day I worry about what will happen if one of us - probably the BF, since he’s the one who leaves the house - gets infected. How on earth would we quarantine him in this tiny house? Would we all just say “fuck it” and assume we’ll all catch it and hope we don’t have a hard time of it? What if someone has to be hospitalized? What if someone dies? What if the adults are too sick to care for the children, for days or weeks on end? It’s absolutely horrifying. I don’t even know what we’d do. How can you plan for that? You can’t. You just tell yourself “just don’t let that happen”. But really...within days or weeks our happy, safe family could turn into a horrible tragedy. I always think of those soldiers who have been in combat for years, unscathed, then get killed in the last few days of the war. These are the last days. We just have to grit our teeth and pray we survive.

December

It’s December, and the final of our holiday trifecta. I’m not feeling the holiday spirit yet - it’s hard with no parties or seeing family or reasons to get dressed up - but I’m going to try to muster up some semblance of something over the next few weeks.

Yesterday I spent way too long designing this year’s Christmas card and picture block ornament. So that’s done. We decorate this weekend (and I will finally take down my RESIST mantelpiece display). I am going to attempt to make a wreath using these holly-esque branches from a tree in our yard; I figure every year the least I can do is attempt one new craft project. I’ve never made a wreath before. I bought a frame on amazon and I’m just going to wing it. How hard can it be? Right? 

The boys are in this funny information bubble where, unlike us at their age, they are not inundated with endless toy commercials all day, so they have no idea what they want for Christmas. I’m sure online video game purchases and Robux or whatever the fuck would be what they really want, but where’s the fun in that? Bobby once intimated he wanted a lava lamp. Beyond that...I got nothin.

As always happens when I get home from a trip, I spent yesterday frantically trying to set up our next trip, specifically to replace our canceled Hawaii trip for January. But there’s one unfortunate reality, even here in California - other than renting a cabin, there’s really no way to camp for about six months out of the year. I was hoping to maybe go to Zion and/or Navajo land, but the fact is it’s just going to be too damned cold until about May. Sigh. We have Joshua Tree in two weeks, and a weekend in Lake Arrowhead in mid-Jan. But still...I’m in despair at the thought of a long, monotonous winter with nowhere to go and nothing to do, and nothing but climbing coronavirus cases and misery until spring. We had a “returning to campus” zoom with our principal on Monday; the word is, basically, there will be no return to school any time soon. I’m thinking April or May. That’s my prediction. 

Still, I have to admit I’m bolstered by the promise of a Biden/Harris administration and coming vaccines. Could we have a normal life by fall? Will enough people get vaccinated? Can my kids start second and fourth grade normally? Can I run my event and have an income again? Will my band perform again? God I hope I can look back on this terrible moment a year from now and breathe a sigh of relief knowing it’s over. That’s my wish for 2021.