Final week

Last night was the last night in the room that has been my bedroom for fifteen years. It will be sad to give up my pleasant, quiet room at the back of the house with a view of the pool for the dark, less private center bedroom. But the value in having the boys in the back room trumps my desire to stay there. So, move I go.

All of my furniture is piled up in my dining room. I will be camping out on the couch for at least two more nights. In other words, now comes the gnarly part.

I would like to thank everyone who has weighed in on my relationship issues. I have read all the comments with much interest and have taken them to heart. I can see that my readers are just as polarized as I am about it!

I vacillate constantly between the "he's a good man, he loves you and the kids, you don't throw someone away just over a few bad habits" to "dump him now, you deserve better, these bad habits could have disastrous future implications". Every single day I have both of these thoughts at the same time. It is exhausting and leaves me drained and sad.

I don't feel like I need a boyfriend - I lived practically my entire life without one, and wouldn't be devastated if I went back to being single. But the benefits cannot be denied. Being all alone in the world with no nearby family and no devoted friends, it sure is nice to have someone who makes us a priority and would drop everything to help us/save us in an emergency. This weekend after working his butt off all week he spent the entire weekend with me at ikea buying furniture for the boys, fixing things around the house, and wresting with the boys while I got things done. I don't know how easy it would be to find someone else who would be this devoted to us, quite honestly. 

Then he goes out to the porch to smoke his millionth cigarette of the day and I want to strangle him. And so it goes.

In the meantime, Theo turns two in two weeks, and starts school two days later, which is going to be huge. I have been sticking to my diet - and let me tell you, dieting fucking sucks - and it's working. I am now down to 142 pounds. I could stop around 140, or continue on to 135 if I'm feeling ambitious. I'll play that one by ear. My bandleader sabotaged our weekend gig in Northern California next month by not returning the organizer's calls, and didn't even tell me it was off until I asked why they hadn't booked our flights yet. So, good times there. Bobby is doing awesome on the potty, I'm so proud of him and the little man he's becoming. I somehow have to get my taxes done in two weeks and plan a dual birthday party. Lord help me.