Relationship in progress...

Last night I had my final (for now?) first coffee date. The guy was very nice and funny and smart...but had zero sex appeal (to me). I was a bit nervous going into it because I really thought he could give BO8RT a run for his money. But he only confirmed what I already knew about online dating - it's hard. You meet so many people, you message so many more, but there's always something not quite right for you or the other person. So often when someone would message me I'd look at their picture and think, "I can't have sex with that face." I'm sure many people thought that about me, too. So, that's it for the first dates. 

I deleted all of my online profiles and took the apps off my phone. BO8RT told me the night before that he had done the same, unbidden by me. This does not mean we're exclusive...yet. He is still "talking" to other people. I would say this bothers me, except that a) I had a date with someone else last night, and b) even I don't feel entirely ready to just be "all his" even though I've cut off all avenues to meet anyone else. Mostly I did that because I'm just tired of making the effort. 

He knows there will be no *ahem* until it's just us. I hope I can stick to that. We're spending another weekend together coming up. It's going to be hard not to jump his bones, girl, I'm not gonna lie.

It's been five years since I had sex. If you consider someone twisting their limp dick into a point and stuffing it in you only to give up after a couple of minutes and apologize while you stare awkwardly at the ceiling, having sex. The last time I enjoyed sex with someone? Probably about 2005. Ten years, people. Ten years. 

But this isn't about sex. This is about the very real possibility of being in a real, loving relationship with a person, something I have not experienced in easily over 20 years. Naturally I'm thrilled that there's even a possibility of this, but it's scary, too. Can I trust this person? Can I trust him around my kids? He's going to want to come into my life and change things - do I want that? I've been proud and strong and single for so long - do I want a partner? Do I want to expose my kids to possible abandonment, exactly what I was hoping to avoid for them?

Or do I just stay single and celibate forever? Guess which one I'd choose!

Saturday

So I had my Smc meeting and was delighted to hear of three more pregnancies. At this rate, nearly all of our members are either pregnant or moms; one is pregnant with #2. I had always wanted this group to be "thinker/tryer" focused, and it was for a while, but it does seem like our demographic is changing. Perhaps soon we'll have to do playgrounds rather than brunches.

Then I brushed out my hair and put on lipstick and went to see BO8RT. We were supposed to just spend a couple of hours together...but...well, let's just say I put in several calls to the baby kennel to delay my pickup time. 

We lay on a blanket in Griffith Park and groped each other. We walked around. We drove around. We got dinner. We talked about anything and everything. He played me songs on his phone. I played him songs on my phone. He kept telling me how pretty I am and how amazing I am. Umm, more please!

I'm pretty fascinated by how different dating is now than it was in my 20s and 30s. I mean, I'm dating the same people - it's the same generation of guys, just that we're all older. I don't know if I'm just choosing better people or just have lucked out or am putting out a different, sexier energy, but I'm delighted by all the sexual attention being directed at me (except for the Text Rapist. That guy can fuck right off). I mean, when I did online dating before, every guy I met treated it like a frigging job interview; even the couple of times I went on more than one date with someone they were just cold fish who didn't want to touch me. Maybe we all have lowered expectations in our middle age-? God knows, BO8RT is not some incredibly hot, good looking guy. But I find myself very drawn to him because he's just so thoughtful and open and compassionate. I told him the story of what happened with my mother and he had tears in his eyes. He really cares about people, without being a pussy. Which is a rare thing.

So now after a lovely weekend it's time to get back to reality. Diaper changes, cooking several meals a day, wiping spilled food off the floor, shuttling kids in the car, customer service for my event which looms a mere six weeks away. Yikes.

We don't have a fourth date set, but I'm not even worried about it. We text all day long, and we're both pretty smitten. It's great for once to not be made to feel insecure. Such a rare feeling.

Dates one and two

Thursday night I went on a first date with a guy who was good looking, funny, smart and charming. When I texted him earlier in the day to confirm he asked if I was his parole officer. Win. We had great conversation over a nice dinner and he said I was smart, pretty, and sexy. He will never call me again.

Then last night I had date #2 with Blown Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo. I wasn't sure if his good first impression would wear off or if in talking to him more a bunch of red flags would pop up; so often great first dates are followed by yucky second ones and then no thirds.

Oh.My.Gawd.

We had an amazing time. He held doors for me, pulled out my chair, paid for dinner and drinks, and then we feverishly made out in his car until almost 3 AM. What was just a few seconds of groping with GAM went on for about four hours with this guy. YES.

Occasionally he took his tongue out of my mouth long enough for us to have stimulating conversation about our political leanings, the problem with Reaganomics, cold fusion, communism in Asia, our love for Richard Dawkins, and to watch Carl Sagan videos on his phone. Then he'd grab my ass and we'd be off again. It was awesome.

He did tell me shortly into our date that he was still dating other people, which bummed me out slightly until I remembered that I am, too. Funny how that works, isn't it? My response was, "well, this is only our second date." What's the rush? I know he's really into me and I'm pretty confident I'll be the last one standing. No need to go there right this second.

Taking the kids to the baby kennel today so I can run my Smc group and expound on the joys of single parenthood, then running off to see him again and spend a few more hours with his hands up my skirt before I pick them up. The irony of this is not lost on me.

Impromptu beach days

Yesterday we had an impromptu beach day. My Tuesdays used to be taken by my old mommy group from when B was a baby - now whittled down to just two of us, still standing as stay at home moms after three years - but that mom has a producer job until October and will probably move back east with her husband when the job ends. I'm not really processing the reality that one of my closest friends and confidantes is about to leave forever. It's going to be a big shift to all of our lives. For now I've decided Tuesday will be beach day for as long as I can tolerate it.

Next time if I can not leave the sunscreen and the baby's sippy cup on top of the car, that'd be awesome. I also discovered if you bury both kids in the sand so they can't move it's really easy to feed them lunch. Theo is finally able to play and doesn't need to be wrapped up on my chest for fear of getting a face full of sand anymore; I cannot wait until he and Bobby can really play in the waves while I watch. Next summer, maybe?

I had to bring Theo to my dentist appointment today because I currently have no weekday sitters; it did not go well. Despite bringing tons of toys and books and snacks, I think the dentist with his mask and tools scared him, and he wailed inconsolably all through my cleaning. Then at home he had one of those massive post-nap meltdowns that I remember from Bobby at this age. It's not pleasant but I have to say it's easier dealing with this toddler stuff the second time around and not being pregnant. 

Bobby is moving up to the next class at school in two weeks. I've been changing him into underpants in the school parking lot. His diaper is always dry - but he just refuses to put underwear on in the morning. *sigh* Baby steps.

Much discussion with Blown-Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo about our "romantic date" Friday night. He doesn't want to tell me where we're going but I insisted on driving myself. It's funny to contemplate a future with a person and yet not feel comfortable getting into their car, having them over your house, or going to their house. Such is the nature of online dating, when this person is so anonymous to you, they could be anyone - ex-con, serial killer, date rapist, who knows? Until you get a sense of the person I say just don't ever put yourself in a position where you have no control - a car, alone in a house, etc. 

In the meantime I'm meeting a new guy tomorrow night, am chatting up another one, and three others asked me out but I'm waiting for them to contact me with a actual plan (I doubt any of them will follow through). The guy I'm meeting tomorrow will I'm sure be like most of the guys I've met - interesting, good looking, but will never call me again because he's just not that interested. That's 99% of people online. Just not that motivated to actually start a relationship. 

BO8RT is very motivated. I'm still not sure what to make of him. But it's been nice having someone be interested, especially when I'm (tentatively) interested back. We'll see what Friday night brings.

Hos Before Bros

Just got back from my birthday weekend in Palm Springs. It was just what the doctor ordered. Thank God for single girlfriends who can drop everything at the last second and take off for the weekend!

It rained all day Saturday which was a bit of a bummer, but we shopped and saw Trainwreck (meh) and had fried food for dinner and then promptly all got diarrhea. I know, I'm making it sound so awesome.

Fortunately the next day was hot and sunny so we spent all day at the pool after checking out. I so needed that! Swimming, good trashy music, and people watching. It was great and I left feeling satisfied. 

The new guy - who I think I will call Blown-Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo - texted me all weekend, strictly G rated until I sent this picture: 

But even in the face of the dreaded bikini pic he stayed respectful and just said I looked "really pretty". Thank you, Mr. Blown-Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo. We have a hot date set for Friday night. Yay.

43

I am 43 today. I have no bad or good feelings about it, other than God am I grateful I had two awesome healthy kids before my time ran out, and I am very much looking forward to my Hos Before Bros Weekend starting in 04:00 hours.

Last night I had dinner with a friend followed by a semi-spontaneous meeting of a guy who's been texting me all week. I wasn't really looking forward to it but figured what the heck?

And you know what? He was AWESOME. You would never have put together the semi-literate text ramblings with the incredibly smart, astute and compassionate person I met, not in a million years. We could have talked for hours about how religion warps the brain, our childhoods of benign neglect, relationship experiences, etc etc. He is one of the very few men I've met that I felt was as smart as me. Sad but true.

I told him about my bad experience with 3D Animator Guy and he said, "that guy is a rapist." Yes. I believe he's quite right about that. Again appalled by how close I came to something really horrible happening to me. 

I won't say much more about him until I see what happens, but we were both very excited to have met each other and plan on getting together when I get back. Will he, too, vanish into the ether? Perhaps. But boy did I need that boost after a rough few weeks! There are some kind, decent gentlemen out there. Hooray.

Price increase night

Tonight at midnight ends the early bird rate for my event. I will be sitting by the phone processing orders until midnight. It's where I make the bulk of my money for the year. But I'm not nervous about it because I'm already ahead - it's going to be a huge year; quite possibly our biggest ever in 17 years. It's rare that I'm not obsessively checking my attendance against last year's or my bank account against last year's. I just know we're going to do great - in fact, the expanding attendance has brought specific new problems, mostly in regards to the contests that are getting way too big and taking too much time. If things continue to go in this direction I'm going to need to make some decisions. Sometimes bigger is not better. But more money, right at the time when I'm going to have two kids in preschool? I'll take that.

I've been so effortlessly confident in my event this year; I wish I could be that way about my (non-existent) love life. I had a very uncomfortable and unpleasant phone conversation with some guy last night; fortunately we both realized it wasn't working and didn't try to meet. I find myself in yet two more endless text conversations; one with a guy who just checks in with me every day but doesn't want to meet yet though I've asked (huh?), another with a guy with Tourette's who smokes and had a really messed up childhood. Don't they just sound like dreamboats???

I'm beginning to think that all I've done by putting myself online as available to date is expose myself to all the losers, perverts, and mentally unstable men out there. Which was precisely why I avoided the online route for so many years - you don't meet nice guys; you meet guys with tons of emotional problems. GAM was starting to look so good after all these frightening experiences I had a weak moment and wanted to text him yesterday - but a friend offered me to text her instead if I ever got that urge, and she talked me off the cliff. I'm 100% sure he would either not answer or angrily tell me to fuck off. So, better to be saved that humiliation. I've humiliated myself enough lately.

I can't tell you how glad I am that I made the decision to just have my kids. I can't imagine the misery I'd feel if I was here, two days away from my 43rd birthday, still no children, still hoping against hope that I'd meet someone in time to have a baby. At least that issue is now off the table. I'm still pretty upset and angry about how horribly everything has gone the last couple of months, but at least the kids are here and in the flesh. If nothing else I'm glad I made that practical decision and didn't let unrealistic hope rule.

Unraveling

Still unraveling last week's mind f*ck while simultaneously trying to learn from it and move on. I would love to talk to a therapist about this. But I doubt that he/she would tell me anything I don't already know. That women are groomed to be people pleasers, give guys a chance, give people the benefit of the doubt. That I have many co-dependent and people pleasing qualities that got me into that situation. I grant it all, yes. I wish I could be one of those kick ass chicks who throw every guy out the minute they feel disrespected or devalued. Perhaps I'll get there. This experience is definitely one more step on that road for sure - you can bet I will never allow something like that to happen again. Ever.

So I guess I learned from my experience with GAM to not jump to conclusions but from this experience to jump to conclusions...???

I told our mutual friend and she was mortified. I would be as well. I signed up for a site called Hinge that matches you based on Facebook connections so it feels more personal. The sad thing is, based on our mutual Facebook friend, this guy and I would have been matched on this site, too. Ugh.

In other (much needed) news, as of yesterday Theo is walking at least half the time now. I am putting him on the wait list for preschool when he turns two in March. Squeeee!

I had a meeting at preschool today about Bobby moving up to the next class - for all intents and purposes he is potty trained at school (no accidents after the first day in underwear), so now I just need to deliver him there in underpants. Then he can finally catch up to the kids his age. I think I am going to try ice cream sandwiches as an incentive to get him to use the potty at home. I've got to start somewhere. 

They also told me they haven't had a single incident report about his behavior the whole time he's been there, which is almost unheard of. They showed me stacks of reports generated by other kids. How awesome is that???

My event is going well - price increase night is Wednesday so the next few nights of work are going to be nuts. Then I get to escape to Palm Springs with two awesome single girlfriends for our Hos Before Bros weekend. Can.Not.Wait.

Mind F*ck

Something happened this week. I didn't post about it until now because I had no idea what the end would be, and I was so confused and disturbed by it all that I just didn't want to mention it until I had some minor bit of clarity. 

I still don't know if posting about it is even the right thing as I'm not proud of some of my actions. But as always I think it's important to share some of our worst moments so we can all learn something from it, especially me. So, here goes.

Shortly after uploading my last post about feeling Unhinged and how nobody was following through with me...3D Animator Guy texted me. And texted me. And texted me. And texted me. We had pretty much a non-stop text marathon from Monday-Friday, day and night. He was in Nashville at a conference Wednesday through Friday so we couldn't get together but had tentative plans to meet tonight.

His texts had always been flirty in nature, which I liked, but they quickly took a darker tone. Wanting pictures, wanting to talk pretty dirty. I would tell him he was going too far and he'd back down...but always petulantly, and sometimes punitively - saying things like I need to "let go" and "get over it" when I told him I'd had bad experiences with this kind of thing in the past. I didn't like the way those comments made me feel. AT ALL.

So why on earth did I continue talking to this person? Why???

I wrote a lot in my private journal just trying to decipher why on earth I was putting up with something that felt so wrong - yet ironically would have been perfectly ok and even fun if we had met and were doing the things in real life that he wanted to talk about. 

My whole goal last week was to try to skate by, doing this delicate dance of doing just enough of what he wanted to keep him interested but not compromising myself (no naked pictures, no graphic sex talk), just make it to Saturday so I could see what was what. Just make it to an actual face to face meeting. That was my mantra all week. Just make it to Saturday.

But the tone just got darker and weirder. Unlike our previous interactions where it was always me "checking in" and him not answering for ages and then kind of blowing me off, now all of a sudden he was up my ass constantly and when I didn't answer right away he'd (virtually) pout and call me "stranger". And I'd find myself making excuses as to why I didn't write - "I thought you were working, didn't want to bug you," etc. 

Based on my recent regrettable experience with GAM, I had the unpleasant realization today, "oh my God, this guy is ME!!!"

Be careful what you wish for, huh?

So anyway, every day was a struggle to balance my busy life with the kids and my work piling up with trying to keep this man's considerable lusts at bay. And just hope, hope, hope that somehow everything would be ok, that we would finally meet and things would be ok and all of that text weirdness that made me so uncomfortable would just be a thing of the past. 

He said he was crazy about me. He asked if I knew what I did to him, what I made him do. He told me what he wanted to do to me until I told him he was going too far. He told me I was hot, beautiful, gorgeous. That I turn him on. 

But every time I tried to have a real conversation, ask him a real question about himself, he'd get mad and tell me I was changing the subject or avoiding. I tried to laugh it off but by Thursday night it started to get ugly - I told him I felt criticized. Then I asked if we could please talk on the phone, that I hated texting. So we finally did.

And surprise surprise, normal, respectful guy on the phone. He said he hated texting too and much preferred real human contact. We talked about normal things - jobs, families, homes - until it got to be too late. I felt better, a little. I've been down this road before with men and their urges over technology - maybe he's just bored on a business trip in a hotel room and wanted to get some jollies. Can't blame a guy for trying, right?

So yesterday he flies home. I text him when he lands at 9PM welcome back. No response. The next morning (today) I text him good morning. No response. I spend an agonizing day with the kids not knowing if we actually have a date tonight or not. I am so full of adrenaline and anxiety I have to frequently do breathing exercises just to keep it together. 

Around 2:30 before I have to leave the house to go get my hair done, I call him, and he answers. He says, "hello? Hello??" and hangs up. I call back - voicemail. I call two more times - voicemail. I text him if he has a plan for the night, then ask him outright if he wants to meet at a specific place at 8. No response. 

I get in the car to drive to my appointment shaking my head in disbelief. As I had feared, and as he had reassured me against several times - this guy never had any intention of meeting me. He just wanted to lure some woman into endless sex talk and sending naked pictures (neither of which I did). I was floored.

Then he texts me. Kid emergency he says, fell off his bike. I ask if everything's ok, then if he thinks he'll be able to get together tonight. He says he's "assessing the situation now". I tell him to just let me know in time because I have a babysitter waiting. He says ok.

It is now 10:30 PM and I have not heard a word.

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THINGS LIKE THIS???

Why text me at all? Why not just disappear? And why not just tell me then "kid fell off his bike, not going to make it, sorry" instead of leaving me frantically checking my phone for the next six hours? Is it a power thing? A control thing? An I hate women so I'm going to screw them all over thing?

Or is it a legitimate family emergency and all of this bizarre behavior has a perfectly logical explanation?

This person is not just some bottom feeder creep - he's a real guy with an amazing career who is all over the web and YouTube being interviewed about his creative process; our mutual friend said he was great; he obviously is very well-liked and esteemed in his field, and he's really, really cute. I totally would have banged him, given the chance. Contrast that with the person who would pout when I wouldn't answer him right away and who kept trying to coerce raunchy selfies out of me and it just goes to show the dark corners that lurk in people's lives - especially men's sexual lives. I look at my sons and shudder to think that they, too, may behave like this some day, despite my best efforts.

So here I am in bed alone on a Saturday night and I just feel utterly drained, exhausted, disappointed, and disturbed. 

It will be interesting to see if I ever hear from him again - I certainly will never contact him again. But I bet I won't. In the meantime I'm just going to enjoy my family, lick my wounds and try to forget this week ever happened.

Unhinged

I know you all want to see cute pictures of kids in patriotic outfits waving flags today. But can I be honest with you? This weekend sucked. As do all holiday weekends with kids this age, because all it means is school being closed so a miserable four day slog with no breaks for me, plus the obligatory holiday functions which are awful and trigger-y with little kids (tons of whining, screaming, tantrums, and craziness). So, yeah. I hated this weekend. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Bobby is finally back in school and I couldn't be happier. 

I spent the 4th hunkered in my back bedroom in front of a Law and Order marathon listening to the fireworks erupting all over my neighborhood, sending messages to and "liking" all sorts of guys on OkCupid. I watched as each one logged on, read my message, looked at my profile, and chose not to answer me. Good times.

Last night I sang at a wedding. The probably 40- or 50-something couple sat at a table full of children during their reception. This was so sweet I almost broke down sobbing right in the middle of singing On the Sunny Side of the Street. 

I am officially becoming unhinged.

Sunday morning I texted 3D Animation Guy to check in and see how his week was looking. I watched as he logged on to OkCupid, looked at my profile, and then did not answer my text. Four hours went by. I could only assume he'd had a second look at me and changed his mind. Then he finally answered me. He said he was going to Nashville on Wednesday. I asked if he wanted to try to get together tonight. He said he would try to make it work, that he is "dying to meet me". I texted him today to follow up. I have not heard a word.

I have also not heard a word from anyone else.

I am looking into some low cost therapy. I feel like no matter what I'm out the babysitting fees and that's already too much of an expense...but I feel like I need to at least explore some options before discounting the idea entirely. This whole dating thing has made me nothing but depressed and miserable. Nothing but rejection and abandonment and frustration. I just want it to end. I just want to settle on someone, love someone who will love me back, and be done with it. How come so many people get to have that in their lives and yet I don't? Why has this most basic thing eluded me for thirty years?

What is so damned unlovable about me that every man that meets me decides I'm not worth more than one coffee date?

I know there are no answers to these questions. And I'm pretty sure the problem is not me (although I'm open to discussion on that one). I think people are just picky and intolerant and the very presence of the Internet makes it so that nobody ever has to settle on anyone, ever.

Yet all these guys - including 3D Animator - complain endlessly about how flaky everyone is, how nobody ever wants to meet up, how much they want to be with someone. The guy I met for coffee Thursday told me he'd met a lot of nice, attractive women. So...what's the fucking problem??

So I want to seek out therapy, but I'm not sure for what purpose. What can a therapist tell me other than "dating sucks"? Surely I am not the first, nor will I be the last, person to complain about how frustrating and baffling the opposite (or same!) sex is. Maybe they can just give me some tools to cope with my runaway anxiety or give me some perspective. Who knows. It's worth at least looking into I think.

La lucha

Last night I met Tall Guy at a French restaurant and had a lovely dinner. He was smart, sharp, and surprisingly kind and compassionate (in my experience, very smart and compassionate rarely go together). At one point he told this hilarious story about how he thinks men grow up on tampon commercials and think all women walk along the beach with their moms sipping bowl-like cups of coffee cradled in their hands. I think he could be right. He also told a story about meeting a woman online who called him "daddy" and was so turned off by this that he couldn't stomach seeing her again.

See? This poor woman says one word wrong and is banished to first date only hell. Is that all it takes now, one word, to kill a potential future relationship?

Or one text?

I hate to admit it but I have been thinking about GAM lately, only because we had such an intense immediate attraction and connection with each other, and that's been so absent on all of last week's dates. It makes me sigh with longing and regret. It also makes me cringe when I think about all his friends high-fiving him that he dumped the psycho (me). I could be having mind-blowing sex right now instead of sitting here alone and bored on a national holiday, if not for one stupid text. But. As we all know that guy had major issues and it's better to know that earlier. He would have made me crazy and miserable with his anger and rigidity. So. That's that. La lucha continua.

Back to Tall Guy. So despite having about zero attraction to him we did have a nice time together and he said he wanted to see me again, so I'll go if he asks. I'm always willing to keep an open mind especially with things like attraction that can be transient and tricky for us women.

I texted Swagger today just to tell him I was sore from bowling. No answer.

Still holding out for 3D animation guy. All I can think there is he was genuinely busy but really does want to meet me, or is yet another fickle a-hole who was all hot for me in the moment but has now moved on to another, shinier object. I figure I'll check in with him tomorrow night and if he doesn't respond, we have our answer.

I have no other prospects at all. It's kind of depressing, but honestly, my event is two months away, and I need to do some fucking work now. So it may not be the worst thing if my frenetic dating life calms down a bit. Last night I was so exhausted just driving to my date that I was afraid I'd fall asleep at the table. Had he not been as interesting I probably would have.

Non-stop

This week has been non-stop dates. I'm on a roll and am rolling with it.

Tuesday was my second date with a guy I'll call Swagger. He was the one I met for coffee who I was shocked to hear from again. We went bowling. I had a horrible diarrhea attack before he got there (sound familiar? I think my stomach is not as down with all this dating stuff as other parts of my anatomy are). I don't think bowling is the best "getting to know you" activity really. We didn't get to talk at all as each of us was actually bowling when the other wasn't. So we did that for an hour and then it was like, "well, I should get going!" I didn't feel like I got to know anything more about this person or connect with him. We parted still strangers. For the record I like him - he's tall and cute and has a nice swagger about him. But who the hell knows what he's thinking? As we were parting he gave me a quick peck on the lips and I, wanting to ramp up the sexy, said I hoped he'd enjoyed looking up my skirt all night. He said yes, that's why he asked me to go bowling. So, that's out there. We'll see if he contacts me again.

Last night was...interesting. I met the guy who had canceled a daytime coffee date a couple of weeks ago. He was a nice guy. But he practices Polyamory. Why on earth did I want to meet this person, you ask? I was just curious about him. And the idea of getting to casually date someone while still freely seeking out other people did not sound unappealing to me. But. In the end I was not attracted to him. He was too old for me and kind of a screwball (ya think???). Chalk that one up to experience.

And that was the end of my Plenty of Fish experiences. The horrible little troll, the guy who stood me up, and Mister Polyamory. I deleted my account tonight so ex-cons can no longer jerk off to my pictures. As I was exiting the site for the last time they asked for feedback and I told them their site was the ghetto pond scum magnet from hell. Oh, and their phone app blows.

I was supposed to meet 3D Animator tonight but alas he fell off the face of the earth. By noon I checked in to see if we were still getting together and he said he was so sorry, he was stuck on a project that had to be delivered by the 4th. By 1 pm I had a date with someone else.

S-N-A-P.

Tonight was a guy who had messaged me some weeks ago and then disappeared. He popped up again today as I was on line at In-N-Out. We agreed to meet for coffee.

He was ok. As with most people, I'd see him again. But I doubt I'll hear from him. I think he's the typical online dater - nobody is ever perfect enough. He said he'd been meeting a lot of good people but none he liked enough to call again. Sounds like everyone I met in my thirties. So we talked about home renovations and interest rates and taxes. I got a free green tea latte. Next!!!

Tomorrow I may meet this guy who is 6'5" and plays trumpet but doesn't seem to know any actual jazz trumpet players. He is very sharp and funny but won't seem to make an actual plan, and I don't feel that attracted to him. Oh well. If he doesn't call me I'll just go see a movie by myself. I don't give a fuck.

Are you exhausted reading this? It's actually not as demoralizing as it sounds. You just have to have the right attitude - it's about the journey. If you're fixated on meeting some perfect person you'll just get upset and frustrated. Think of it as meeting some interesting people, being out at night without kids and having something to get dressed up for. I find it all highly entertaining. It's nice to have things to look forward to, and overall I've met some really cool people even if we're not a match. 

I am still holding out hope I'll get a man to come to Palm Springs with me, but that is looking extremely unlikely at the moment. Keep your fingers crossed for me.