Giving myself permission to fail

I was a shitty mother yesterday. I'm not proud of it, but I give myself permission to have days like that occasionally right now. These are extraordinary circumstances. My event looms less than six weeks away, which is weighing heavily on me. And I am pregnant and sick. So, I don't hold him as much (his body resting on my stomach does not feel good right now), or get on the floor and play with him as much, or have a light and happy voice. So I just go through the motions - food, diapers, naps. Honestly, it's the best I can do. But I knew this day would come - that I'd be sick in the mornings (or all the time); that our lives would fold in a little because I just don't feel well. And here we are. So already little sis or bro is taking my attention and time away from B. And so it begins.

But I give myself permission. Because just like understanding that I cannot run this household and stay out of debt and save for the future all at once, I also can't be nauseated all day and run this dance event coming up and keep up with all the daily chores and cooking and care for B AND go out of my way to make up fun things for us to do every day. I just can't do it right now.

Being as I've been nauseated every day for a week now, I think we can now say I'm just "in it". Boy, had I only known it was going to work in June, I would have waited until September...! But then again I'd have a brand new baby at this time next year while preparing for next year's event, which would be really hard. So we suffer now to avoid suffering later. It would be great to not suffer at all, though, wouldn't it?

The last few nights I have woken up drenched - and I mean drenched - with sweat, to the point that I'm freezing cold. It's like having a mini yellow fever episode in the middle of the night. I don't know if this is hormonal - does it mean I don't need that extra progesterone? Or if it's anxiety related - I do have spells like this around event time even when not pregnant. 

About the event - once I added all the new people into my database, I was mortified to discover that I do not, in fact, have "a lot more people". I actually have the same amount - 424 - that I had last year. Which would explain why there's no big financial boom for me. But I was seriously taken aback by this. The whole point of moving the dates was to get more people, not stick with the status quo. It pisses me off. I greatly expanded the budget this year in anticipation of getting some 100 or so more people. But, one way to explain it is this would have been an "off" year - being right after my big 15 year anniversary, I would normally see a big drop this year. So I guess the fact that I have the same amount means my strategy worked -kinda. Still, there's no getting around just how much less money I have, which is all that really matters. I'd like to be optimistic but I have to say I think this one time I just may find myself kind of in trouble. And this is causing me untold anxiety, which obviously is coming out at night. 

So, today I go over to Kaiser. I also have to go grocery shopping and cook. All of these things sound totally impossible. Lying in bed while B watches HBO Family from the playpen? That, I can do.