August

It is August. And in the next couple of weeks I may have to cancel my event. 

I feel like it’s March 2020 all over again. All anyone can talk about or think about is coronavirus. I’m so sick of it. Like many, I thought we were, for the most part, done with this nonsense. I thought we were safe now that we’re vaccinated. Neither turned out to be true. In the last week numbers have gone up. And we’ve also discovered that vaccinated people transmit the virus just as much as unvaccinated. I’m also privy to some as yet unpublished information that shows vaccinated people are contending with a completely different variant than unvaccinated, which is extremely disturbing. Folks, we may soon find ourselves back at square one. 

My event can’t continue. It just can’t. Even with the hotel partnering with me to mass test all attendees - my epidemiologist friend pointed out that someone who tests negative on Friday night could be shedding by Saturday. And yesterday it dawned on me that mass testing the first day of the event could cause a huge problem - with the virus now so prevalent (and way more prevalent in a month I’m sure), the odds of key staff members testing positive is pretty good. What do I do if volunteers, band leaders, sound engineers, teachers, our contest tabulator, etc, turn up positive on day one? I have no reasonable back up plan for this, and it’s a distinct possibility. This could cause a major disaster at the door as customers show up and we have to cancel right under their noses. Back before vaccinated people could get infected it was no big deal if someone was carrying some tiny viral load (we thought) in a room full of vaccinated people - but the science has changed. Now it would be irresponsible not to test, and testing could in itself cancel the event. 

But there’s all the other things, too. The indoor mask mandate was sort of the end for me. There’s no good answer on what to do about horn players, singers and announcers and masks, not to mention competitors. Having to wear a mask for 12+ hours while sweating and breathing heavily is a huge drag (I know medical professionals do this every day, but we’re talking about people who aren’t used to it). And there’s the finances. I am at 50% my usual capacity, and I don’t see that changing. In looking at the money, I am already in the hole. Having to shell out $120,000 to pay for the event is not going to help. Refunding $120,000 isn’t going to help, either, but I’m hoping people will be generous and transfer to next year or donate their passes at least in some small amount. Thank god for that grant. I wanted it to go for other things than basic survival for yet another year, but at least it’s there. 

This event was supposed to be a big, joyful celebration. There’s no way it can be that now. Everyone is full of anxiety, worried about big events, and scared for the future. The event is already half empty with no good competitors in the contest. I picture it being really sad and depressing. Honestly I feel like it will do more damage to my brand to push this thing through at all costs than to just cancel now. 

So my mind is pretty much made up. But there’s the small issue of wiggling out of my hotel cancellation fee. And my grant conditions were at least in part dependent on my event actually happening, so I’d have to try to figure that out. These are two huge problems. 

There’s going to be so much to unravel. Everyone’s going to be so disappointed. I dread the reaction. In my mind I don’t think people will be as sympathetic as they were last year...the F disagrees with this and thinks I should do a Go Fund Me, but I heartily disagree. The grant has me covered - I don’t need to put my hand out. I’ve seen sympathy for people vanish the minute they publicly ask for money, and then every move they make is scrutinized from that moment on (oh, she was so broke, huh? How is she renovating that cabin? How did they pay for that wedding? How did they buy that car? How did she afford those new glasses? Believe me, I’ve seen it all). 

For me, emotionally, it’s been bad. Yesterday as all of this was sinking in I was in such a state I could barely function. The boys saw me crying (an extremely rare event around here) and Theo demanded to know what was going on. They don’t really get it. I wish I had the kind of kids that were really in tune with me and would come up and hug me when I’m visibly upset - but I don’t. Perhaps I haven’t properly modeled this for them. They remind me a bit of my old dog, who when I was lying on the floor dying of pregnancy nausea would not lie next to me for comfort but instead bring over her leash and drop it in front of me, demanding to be taken out. 

Both medical people I’ve been consulting with have told me to wait - that we’ll learn a lot in the next week or two about the risks to vaccinated people. I agree a few more days is needed to make an informed decision. And the hotel details need to be worked out which will take time. But in my mind it’s already off. I refuse to do any more emotional or physical labor on this thing. I’m mad at myself for the flights I bought and products I ordered and work I did last week already. At least this year I’m not waiting for a home refinance to go through before I can announce. And I have no partners to hold me back - it’s just me, all alone, deciding all this. Here we go.