Saturday, June 15, 2013

Heavy breathing

Because of my fears for my safety lately plus a myriad of other concerns, I've resorted to my old deep breathing exercises as a way to staunch my anxiety. It really does work. But it takes more than that - I find my brain operating as it used to in the "old days" (ie, pre- fighting my depression and anxiety); I find myself playing back old scenarios from my distant past, times when I felt embarrassed or angry or hurt, and reliving them as if they just happened yesterday. Today I read a status on FB where a woman complained that a man yelled at her in a restaurant because her baby was crying, and I got so upset, you'd think it happened to me! It's going to take a bit of work to get my sunny disposition back, and right now I kind of don't have the energy.

I'm bummed about my neighborhood safety issues. I'm not sleeping well and freaking out all night at every little noise. I had an estimate on repairing/installing some window bars. It will take two weeks and cost $1300. Sigh.

Today I got the bill for B's emergency room visit back in February - Kaiser has denied my claim. I put it out on Facebook to see if this was normal, and yes, someone with the same policy as me says we're not covered for emergency services. Once again I ask, exactly what the fuck does this very expensive policy actually cover?!? Anything? So I owe $1100 to the fire department and probably another $2000 for the stitch to B's eye. I'm beside myself with rage. I so wish I hadn't called 911 now and had just driven him to Kaiser's own ER twenty minutes away...but when your baby is profusely bleeding do you really want to lock him into a rear-facing carseat for a half hour while you look for parking, etc? I don't see how I could have done anything differently. And now I'm stuck footing the entire bill as if I didn't carry any insurance at all. Is Obamacare going to fix things like this? Please?

And of course I have no money coming in at all. Freaking out. Bank account at zero. Have to pay $1300 to get these bars put on and that's even zero guarantee that my house will be safe. And now these medical bills. Ugh.

Anyhow, in other news, the clinic called Thursday to say I should probably come in later for an ultrasound because Friday (day 10) may be too early to tell anything. Based on my history I tend to ovulate on Day 16. I was pleased that they reviewed my chart and thought enough to rearrange my schedule - I was worried, too, that Day 10 would just show *some* follicles which for me means nothing. So instead I'll go in Monday, Day 13. I wonder what we'll see? I would bet $1000 that ovulation day will be Thursday. If I had $1000 to bet-!


  1. I've been there - that cycle of anxiety, stress and poor sleep and they all feed into each other. When I'm really desperate for a good night's sleep, I'll take a melatonin (supplement) and go to bed early. Good sleep makes all the difference in the world.

    It seems ridiculous your insurance doesn't cover emergencies. If those aren't "unexpected", I don't know what is.

  2. Sorry things are so dismal. I wish that everything wasn't connected to money. Sometimes I wonder what rich people worry about. I hope that the ultrasound on Monday shows some nice follicle development. {{hugs}}

  3. Money problems suck!!!! It really sucks when insurance doesn't cover ER and when the ER docs charge more than insurance pays (shouldn't be allowed).

  4. One really has to read the fine print on the e-health insurance plans. Most don't cover ER and limit how many Dr visits one can have in a year. It was a huge eye-opener for me when I was looking for an alternative plan for myself + baby, should I lose my job this year. It does beg the question, so what does it cover? Sorry you are having to deal with stress of money and safety. Do you have a home monitoring alarm system?

  5. I am so sorry you're in such a rough space right now. Why is it that we get hit with one thing after another?!!? Hang in & take I wish there was something I could say that could actually help.

  6. I hate how all those things happen at once! Thinking of you - hope you get some good news at the clinic to balance it out a bit.