Green light

Today was Theo's belated four month appointment (pushed two weeks due to travel). As usual his measurements were normal and progressing properly, but on the small side for height and weight and yet gigantic head. I believe Bumpus had these dynamics as well.

The pediatrician gave me the green light to sleep train. He said that T is physically capable of sleeping 10-12 hours and that he trained his own son at four months. He said the first two nights the baby cried for over an hour, but he's slept straight through ever since. Sounds familiar. So I guess the question is - do I have the balls?

I don't know. Tonight I let him cry at 10 pm because I was pumping and I just can't give in to his waking every three hours, especially in the evening when he's just been fed. It would be so much easier if we slept in separate rooms! I may have to get up and sleep on the couch. I'm not sure how I'm going to pull this off. But I do feel slightly bolstered that the ped gave his green light. After all, T is nearly five months. I have a feeling if I worked full time in a stressful job I wouldn't put up with being woken up all night; but because I can (sort of) laze around in the mornings I let things slide that I otherwise wouldn't. 

I am definitely getting to the end of my rope with the bad sleeping, though. I am determined not to let it go a whole year like I did last time...it's just a question of how long before I lay down the law?

Car naps

Yesterday I went to a water park in an attempt to redeem my crappy birthday. Things have changed in water park land. My friend and I only had about 2 1/2 hours to spend there; I thought on a weekday at least there would be no lines; instead we spent the entire time waiting and only went on two slides! It's because they now have this stupid "fast pass" so all of us slow passers had to wait in lines for 45 minutes for one innertube while the fast pass people got to go again and again. Well, at least I got to get in the giant chaotic wave pool with a bunch of children while I joyfully shouted above the roar of the waves, "I'm forty-two!!!" So, that was something.

Today was an odd parenting day. We met up with a friend for a play date in the morning, but I had to be back home by two to let out the house cleaner (who randomly left a bunch of toxic cleaning products in Bobby's room - good times), and I was at an utter loss as to what to do for four hours. Theo was fussy and miserable, Bobby climbing the walls. Normally on a long afternoon like that we'd play outside and watch a little TV to settle down before dinner, but it was hot as hell out and B did not want to go outside, and then there was some problem with my Roku box so there was no TV. I knew the baby had to sleep but couldn't because of all the ruckus, so I tried to get B to lie down with me - no luck. Then I made the executive decision to attempt to get B to nap in his room. I picked him up and carried him to his bed and kissed him and told him gently we are all tired so it's nap time. 

And then he started to cry. And not the usual "I wanted that toy" toddler cry I hear a thousand times a day - no. This was the saddest, most heart wrenching soft little cry, complete with rapid breathing and a quivering lip. I'd never seen him like that. It did something to me. He must have thought I was mad at him or that he'd done something bad. I knew now was not the time to be a hard ass. I immediately reversed gears - I thought, this isn't working. I scooped him and the crying baby up, strapped everyone in the car, and drove. For two hours. And they slept the whole way. 

I hate that I have trained these kids to only sleep in the car, but there it is. I still believe nap times at home during the day can be possible...but the fact is we're always out. So naps if they happen at all tend to be while driving home from some activity. I don't really know how to fix this, or if it needs to be fixed. I just know I'd never seen my little boy look so hurt and dejected and I just couldn't take it. 

Keeping it real

Life is so much more pleasant when we're all on our normal schedules. I find myself longing for fall already - that feeling you get after Labor Day when everything suddenly feels settled in and cozy - vacations over, school in, work on. Of course for me the reverse is true since the end of Labor Day means the end of my work. But it also means the beginning of work on the following Labor Day's event, so there is that regenerative quality. 

Five weeks 'til D-Day. I feel on top of things, which is good. For the first time ever I got an insurance certificate for my event online rather than through a broker, and it was so easy and cheap that I can't help but be suspicious - how can it be that easy, when going through a broker was always so stressful and fraught? Is this yet another instance of the Internet improving our lives? Tonight I have to re-program the two ipad minis I bought to process credit cards at the event (that hurt but I figured it's an investment in future events; renting these devices is a fortune, too); they are currently set up on my personal gmail account; I'd rather not have random volunteers stumbling across Donor Sibling Registry emails and breast feeding pictures, thank you very much. Last year my texts were popping up on the rental IPads - it was not good! 

Feeling more zen about the breast milk during my event issue; I mean, why not throw some formula his way if the pumped breast milk runs out? The whole idea freaks me out. Have I been overtaken by the hippies? I think I've been overtaken by the hippies.

A friend of mine found this amazing hike in the San Gabriels that involves a swimming hole and rocks to dive off of - heaven! I did a little research into the area and found something that made my heart sing - 1930's cabins on federal land, some for sale. It's long been a dream of mine to have an off-the-grid cabin somewhere to go and pretend to be Laura Ingalls; but I'm completely priced out of places like Lake Arrowhead or Big Bear. And I really do want a real old log cabin. They are priced so well in this area that this could be a reality someday - a few years? I plan on getting the boys into scouting so we could all go up there and be pioneers from time to time. If I was looking for a way to keep these kids real, this might just be it. Awesome.

Sleep regression

I just read a post on one of my Facebook mommy boards from someone going through a similar situation to mine - the dreaded four month sleep regression, and caring for a toddler at the same time. I didn't realize how bad this period in a baby's sleep life is; had I known I would have never planned that trip, for sure!

My desultory attempts at sleep training have had desultory results. The two things I have been successful at have been a) getting T down at 6:30 even if it means lying down with him for a while - re-entry after our trip kind of screwed everything up, and b) getting him to take a paci rather than a boobie when he wakes at 9 PM and go back to sleep for three more hours.

However, after that it's kind of a mess. He's been waking at 3 AM and pretty much been up for the day for ages now - just rolling and chatting and whining and crying; I had been going out to the living room and just sleeping on the couch, but last night he sounded so pitiful I just lost my resolve and instead fed him and co-slept with him instead. Last night this worked out well, but it doesn't always. If only co-sleeping was the answer, but it's not. Sometimes it makes everything worse. 

I am so afraid of being sleep-deprived and un-focused at my event. It's still five weeks away so there is some hope, but...I have to say, I'm scared. I am also scared of not having enough breast milk, and apart from introducing formula, I'm not sure what to do about it. Being the last month before the event, there are a million things I need to get sitters for - I have ten sitter-events in the next five weeks, double my usual amount - and even though I have now upped my usual every other day pump schedule to every day, I don't think I'm going to have enough to get me through four nights. I am also experiencing the bizarre side effect of now only getting half my usual output - the last two-three nights I've only gotten a measly one ounce! I can only imagine this is stress-related, but jeez - not helping! 

When it was just Bobby at the event, my friend that was watching him during the night dances could bring him down to the ballroom for me so I could feed him - but now with a sleeping toddler in the room this is not going to be an option. And I absolutely cannot run up to the room to feed him, either. I really don't know what to do except tell the nighttime sitter to text the daytime sitter, who will be enjoying the night dances, to come get him and bring him to me for feeding in the ballroom if he's really inconsolable. The sad thing is, he shouldn't need feeding during those times, if what I'm doing now holds - and certainly not more than one bottle. 

Can I just say how glad I am I'll never have an exclusively-breastfed baby during my event again? This stuff is so anxiety-producing!

In other news, at least we had this cute moment today.

Why do we do these things?

Today was a "why me?" kind of day, which is especially ridiculous when my problems only involved feeling a bit overwhelmed by work, children who won't sleep, and expensive and frustrating pool repairs, yet in the last 24 hours one friend of mine has had a stroke she may not recover from, another started chemo, and a colleague who runs the largest and longest-running event similar to mine stepped down in disgust after malicious rumors started circulating about him being a Nazi. So, yeah. I actually had a pretty good day, relatively speaking. 

Still I had a moment of zen today, thinking first about being a homeowner, then about being a parent. After I had a pool repair guy back to the house for a third time today ($500 and counting) to fix the issue of the pool overflowing and wasting hundreds of gallons of water which has been ongoing on and off for years, he told me "that's pools for ya," meaning, endless repairs. I have probably sunk $20,000 into this thing in maintenance and repairs over a ten year period. Then I started thinking about the probably $100,000 I've spent over thirteen years in home improvements and maintenance of this house, not to mention an additional $100,000 squandered in home equity I now have to spend my life paying back after an ill-fated attempt at real estate investing. Which kind of brings me to the point - is it worth it? Is it worth it to be a homeowner, when I'd be a lot better off financially if I'd just lived in a rental all this time? The tax credits I've gotten over the years couldn't possibly add up to the debt I've incurred. So why do it?

Because I would never have been satisfied if I hadn't. Because I would have spent my life saving up for a down payment, sacrificed everything to make it happen. Because being in my 40s and living in some marginal 1 bedroom apartment would not have been ok with me. 

The same issue comes up about the kids, and how expensive they are, and how much better off I'd be - maybe even happier, more well rested for sure - if I were just on my own. But I never would have been satisfied with that. I just wouldn't have stopped until I had two kids. Why? Who knows? Do I regret it? Of course not, never. I love that I conjured these two beings. My bank account doesn't, but I do.

Would I rather be 42 and childless in a low-maintenance small apartment with a nice fat 401K? No. So there it is.

Still there was a moment today that gave me a real feeling of pride and satisfaction with my lot, sleepless nights and stress be damned.

Today the pool repair guy's wife, a woman who spoke little English, asked as best she could if the father of the boys had "left". I wasn't comfortable talking about this with her (mainly because of the graphic image of a bleeding Christ pulling a cross as part of their business logo on their truck), but she forced my hand, so I said no, I used a sperm donor.

I held up my beautiful second-born baby boy like a plate of cupcakes and with a big smile, said, "I made them myself!"

The quest for sleep

So last night I got completely fed up with my shitty sleep and let Theo cry it out. Occasionally we get a decent night's sleep - still woken up a lot, but at least not that I would remember it - but mostly it's Theo up just about every hour or two, mangling my nipples. It's awful and I can't take it any more. So for lack of any other kind of plan, I have taken to just letting him scream/fuss/whatever. Last night I thought it was reasonable to feed him halfway through the night at midnight  - but other than that, forget it. In the wee hours I went and slept on the couch.

He is currently screaming his head off in his crib while I watch on the baby monitor. I have been in to comfort him three times. He's just going to have to figure it out now. 

I do this with no plan, no malice, and no real sense of purpose. All I know is I am exhausted, he has nothing wrong with him, and I don't know what else to do. I am not in a position to work with him through this sleep regression or whatever-the-fuck because I have another child to care for and a mountain of work to get through.

I also would really like to establish better sleep habits before my event in six weeks. Being woken up all night and then up at the crack of dawn with a two-year-old, then enduring the intensity of the stress that goes on at my event...no sir. That's a recipe for a disaster right there. So this child simply must start sleeping better before then. Plenty of other babies his age give their mothers good sleep at this point. Let's get with the program, kiddo.

Home again

We're home. Yesterday I woke up profoundly depressed, feeling so bummed that yet another trip to gorgeous Kauai was so awful (my last trip in 2010, my aunt died in Connecticut while I was gone, spurring my Smc plans). I also wondered if I was doing the right thing by leaving - but a quick check of the weather confirmed it; stormy and rainy yesterday, today, and Tuesday. Can you imagine not even being able to drive to a beach for three days??? Oh my God! 

So of course the flight back was torture but we survived. I suppose people have flown on their own with two + kids before...but I wouldn't recommend it. You really do have to be an octopus. It verges on the physically impossible, and reminds me again of the Jim Gaffigan joke about what it's like having four kids - "imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby."

My host called as I was at the airport, having gotten wind of my departure. He said he was mortified - I would have been, too - but I think I convinced him it wasn't their fault. Sure, it would have been better had our families spent time together going to beaches. But I still would have had to contend with the stressful room situation with no baby proofing and juggling the two while trying to cook, shower, etc. And with three days of rain, ugh! 

I guess what I learned from this trip is you must travel door to door with someone who's sole purpose is to help you - either a dedicated friend, family member, or paid sitter. They need to fly with you, help haul crap, help with the kids as a group, and even take the kids entirely so you can have a moment to yourself. Otherwise it's just not worth it.

Last night I got the kids to bed and made a little dinner and watched TV for about an hour before crashing myself. It was the first second alone I'd had since last Tuesday. It was divine. I don't know how people - especially stay at home moms - handle toddlers and babies that stay up as late as they do, so there's never a moment to yourself. I would lose my mind!!! Thank God for early bedtimes, separate bedrooms, and toys. I've had a glimpse at life without them, and it is not pretty.