Operation Bumpus Naps

So on a whim today I decided to forge new territory - the Afternoon Nap at Home. The conditions seemed just right - we'd been out all morning, we'd had lunch, I'd been feeding the baby on the bed and he fell asleep (the poor kid has not once slept anywhere during the day except in the carrier or car seat - after screaming himself to sleep), so as with most of my parenting decisions, I thought - why not? Now is as good a time as any to institute an afternoon nap.

So, I tried to get him to settle down and read a book with me. I tried to get him to lie down with me on the bed. I told him it was time to take a nap. He wasn't having any of it. Finally I tiptoed out and shut the door. The result? Total hysterical meltdown for twenty minutes. But...then sleep. 

Can I pull this off every day? My argument against naps before was always that I keep him in his room so much during the morning and evening that I just don't have the heart to shut him in there in the middle of the day, too. But...with naps only able to happen in the car, it just means tons and tons of driving. It's exhausting, and expensive, and not good for any of us. The fact is I just haven't had the balls to try to make him nap when he doesn't want to. But as I've mentioned, with preschool putting him down from 12:45-2:45, I feel like I should help out by trying this at home, too.

After all, it can be just like at night, where I (gently) put him in his room and if he just wants to play, that's fine. The only thing that's hard is consistency - I don't want to be one of these people that's hemmed in by nap times; but the reality is most other kids this age are unavailable to play in afternoons because of naps, so I find after lunch we rarely have anything to do outside the house anyway.

Wouldn't it be nice to spend the morning out playing or running errands, come home for lunch and diaper changes, and then *gasp* sleep? Or get work done? Or anything but drive around?

I get the feeling this is going to be yet another thing that I can't believe I let go so long - much like B's horrible sleep as a baby, or running around while eating, or tearing apart the kitchen. I guess like everything in parenting, his not napping (or only napping in the car) really wasn't a problem...until one day, it was. 

So he's at school tomorrow, then I'll try another mid-afternoon nap on Wednesday and see how it goes. I'm sure there will be screaming. But that's ok. Scream all you want, we're miles from where anyone can hear you!

 

Advice for soon-to-be toddler mommies

This post is long overdue. Now that Bumpus is nearly 2 1/2, I find myself looking back on that difficult 1-2 year and wishing I'd known a couple of things about that particular age. It wouldn't have made that time any easier, but would have saved me a lot of stress! Here's some stuff I have to pass on (unless you know about these things already):

Playgrounds are a minefield. If you have a new walker, you won't be able to let them on their own for even five seconds, since at every turn there are things to put in their mouths/fall from and big kids barreling over your kid. Playgrounds suck. So if you can find ones that are gated and specifically for toddlers. Those are ok. But even ones that have a toddler area, all the big kids come running over to, and guess what? Your toddler only wants to play in the dangerous area. Good times.

No matter how sweet your baby is, they will grab toys out of other kids' hands and make them scream. They also may hit, bite, and push. Don't be alarmed. Every parents of a kid this age or older knows the deal; they all do it. Just correct, redirect, apologize to the other kid's parent, and move on. Eventually they will stop!

Your perfect little one-year-old eater over whom your friends and family constantly exclaim, "wow, he/she eats everything!" most likely will stop eating, sometimes entirely, and you will find your awesome adventurous Thai/Indian/Chinese child's menu reduced to bananas and milk. Again, it's ok. Just keep re-introducing foods and try not to freak out if your child has absolutely nothing for dinner. I have never once had Bumpus wake up screaming because he was hungry, even after having only eaten what felt like a thimble full of food the night before. You may find they eat a big breakfast, less for lunch, and even less for dinner. This seems fairly typical. Unless your kid is dangerously underweight, don't worry about it!

Your kid will most likely take far more pleasure in destroying your household items than playing with their arsenal of toys. This is extremely irritating. Again, they will get over it eventually!

I've found explaining things (why/where/what happens next), giving time warnings when we have to change activities, and giving basic choices (do you want a banana or apple sauce) are hugely helpful and cut down on screaming fits enormously. Might be a little advanced for a kid who just turned one, but worth a shot!

If your child starts hitting/kicking/slapping you "for fun", engaging with it (telling him no, getting mad, explaining why we don't hit) may make him think you're playing a game and will not stop the behavior. For me the only thing that stops this crap right in its tracks is saying "let's not hit, let's do hugs instead!" and giving him a huge bear hug. It sounds crazy but it works every time. My sense is sometimes kids this age get all riled up and want to physically connect with you and don't know how. So turning it into nice physicality seems to fulfill that need.

Ok, that's my been there/done that wisdom in a bottle. Hope it helps someone out there avoid some of the pitfalls I fell into!

It's Complicated

So apparently both of my Brazilian-living parents, one American, one actually Brazilian, will be living in the States in a month. My father (Brazilian) is living in Maine under suspicious circumstances, and my mother (American) has told my uncle that she's moving to Florida in July because the World Cup has made Rio unaffordable. He was not to tell me or my sister but of course he did, so we'll have to pretend we don't know. 

What does this mean for me? Nothing. It doesn't mean either of them will ever see their grandsons, or that my sons will ever know a biological grand parent. Which saddens me, since grandparents are so much the link to your history and culture. But this falls onto the ever-increasing list of "Things I Can Do Nothing About".

I was annoyed by news of my mother's impending move, and when looked at logically, wondered why - in the end, if she stays, it will certainly make things easier on me and my sister when we have to either arrange some kind of long-term care, or *gulp* take care of things after her death. But that's only if she stays. She's moved back and forth from Brazil a dozen times, each time proclaiming this would be her last move. My father the same. So I can't really glean any credibility from news like this from either of them. What can I say? They're free spirits and nomads. It would be cute if they were in their twenties. 

So much time has gone by since my mother's and my big falling out back in 2006 that my brain has largely been scrubbed of the more painful details - they only return in chagrin-laden flashes now; I find myself saying, "oh, riiiight," and getting a sudden pang of anger or sadness. There are times - especially when I see how normal her email responses are to the pictures I send of the kids - that I wonder if what happened between us was just a psychotic break she had and she's normal now but doesn't know how to reach out. After all, I've changed enormously in eight years - why should I deprive her of that possibility?

But what I think is really going on is that now that I'm a parent, I suddenly have empathy for all parents, including my own. Things that seemed so awful in my own childhood - anything as dumb as my mother insisting on taking a shower before we opened Christmas presents to leaving me alone in our NY apartment when I was twelve to go to Japan - now has a rationale in my brain: well, maybe she really wanted a shower...it was the 80s, people left kids alone all the time...etc etc. I guess I'm afraid to judge her now because I so fear the judgement of others. Funny how that works, isn't it?

I was so relieved B's rash is healing because I didn't want the school to think I was neglecting him; I'm so paranoid of looking selfish or uninterested. Where does this come from? I'm sure a few decades of therapy could sort it out for me!

My mother and I are not friends on Facebook. But if we were I'm sure we'd both list our relationship as It's Complicated.

School

Today was Bobby's first day at preschool! It wasn't as monumental a change as it is for most kids since he's gone to this place on weekends since he was just a few months old. When I walked him in this afternoon he just ran off to play as usual. The only thing different was he had a cubby with his name on it and there was a note for me on their upcoming activities. 

So what did I do with my "time off"? Tried to comfort a baby who pretty much fussed and fussed and fussed for about five hours straight. No rest for the weary, huh? It reminded me of the days I would try to stay home with B when he was this age and he would do the same thing. Sooo...I guess babies don't want to lie around in bed and watch documentaries?

I actually got quite a lot of work done as my phone and email blew up today. Just a reminder that my event, which will set my financial future for the next year, looms just two months away. I'm trying to do all the ordering of products, anything that involves a wait time, now, before my sister visits and I go to Hawaii. Before you know it it'll be the last week in July and then I'll have just a month-! I still can't get used to the idea that I have two whole week days in which to work. I'm already acclimated to only working at night, after dinner, when I'm thoroughly exhausted. Like now, for example.

So tomorrow is business as usual - playgrounds, driving around, green tea at Starbucks - then back to school Thursday. Yippee! I'm so happy I could spit.

Tomorrow

Bumpus' little back pack is all full of labeled clothes and ready to go tomorrow. I'm glad that I don't have to worry about his freaking out - I would be very nervous if I'd never left him before, or if this place and people were new to him. Still now that this much-anticipated moment is at last here, I do find myself a little contemplative.

This is the first official turning my child over to an institution, something most moms experience way earlier than me, even in those havens of generous maternity leave like Canada or Britain. It's been just me & Bumpus all day for two years and three months. That's a long time. But now I just have to trust this place - that they'll keep him safe, protect him from mean kids the way I would, feed him good food the way I would, keep his behavior in check the way I would. It's the first time I'm sharing parenting him, and it's weird.

On a darker note, leaving my child at a preschool a couple of days a week also means I'm exposing him to certain risks - while far less risky than every time I strap him in the car and drive out of our garage, still - there's a chance, although minuscule, that the place will fall victim to an epidemic, that some random angry person will wander in with a gun wanting to make a point, that an earthquake will hit and I won't be able to get to him. Yes. Any number of these things could happen. But as with everything child-related, you just have to cross your fingers and hope it doesn't happen to you. 

Today I nipped out for a couple of hours to get my teeth cleaned and left both kids with #1 babysitter, who has never handled both kids at once except when they were both asleep. I was delighted to return home and find Bumpus actually napping. He slept about an hour and a half, woke up exceptionally cranky (which I diffused with a long cuddle session), had dinner, then went back to bed. I have to admit right now that since transitioning to his toddler bed and his own room, I have not once even attempted to get him to nap at home. I just wouldn't even know how to do it - for how much time he spends in that room alone in the mornings and evenings, how can I put him in there in the middle of the day, too? So it's a combination of the guilt I feel for taking such liberties with his wake time and bed time, and just plain lack of knowledge how to actually make a nap happen, that's kept me from trying it. But oh, God, a mid-afternoon nap would be so amazing. Dare I try it, with preschool having nap time too? Can I? 

Thanks for all your suggestions on how to alleviate his rash. I've been using Vaseline, which seems to be slowly working - today was the first day there was no bleeding. They used A&D ointment on Saturday at the baby kennel (now preschool); maybe that started the road to healing and now the Vaseline is protecting the area so it doesn't get re-infected? Anyway, it's great seeing him not in so much pain in the mornings when I change that gross overnight diaper. Potty training can't come soon enough, if you ask me!

Last week

I have started a blog post so many times this week, just to get distracted or have the phone battery run out or lose interest. I think this time I'm just going to power through and publish something. Deal? Deal.

Bumpus starts preschool day after tomorrow. I had a little preview of what my life will be like this summer when I dropped him there Sat with no plans in particular for myself and opted to have a lovely picnic at the Silverlake meadow, just me and Theo. Remember those days of one immobile baby on a blanket? How did I not acknowledge how frigging easy life was then? Just as youth is wasted on the young, so is the ease of first time motherhood on first time mothers. I'm telling you, the second baby is so much easier, for a million reasons, but not the least of which is the first hand knowledge of how much harder it gets later, coupled with already being acclimated to the daily indignities of being woken up all night, being peed and thrown up on on a daily basis, etc. But somehow I never pictured myself having the luxury again of lying on a blanket reading with a happy, cooing baby next to me. I couldn't kiss him enough and I could tell the people around me were pretty charmed. 

It's just so odd to be having this experience at (nearly) 42. I think of myself and use the term "young mother", but that of course means the children are young, not me. I could very easily be their grandmother. Everything is so fresh and new, yet I am soooo not. It's so weird to think how different things will be when the boys are teenagers - what I'll look like, what car we'll have, what the house will look like (assuming we even still live here). And that someday I will look back at pictures of me in my forties with a baby and a toddler and think even with my crow's feet and turkey neck how young I looked. 

For some reason a lot of people have asked me lately if I'm having any more children. My stock answer is that if I were only younger, yes I would. And that's really true. Yes, despite how much I bitch about being a full time stay at home mom and how hard toddlers are, I would have at least one more if I had a husband, more money, and a few more years in my thirties ahead of me. Mostly because everything about this last pregnancy and birth was so much easier, and all my fears about having more than one child have not come true. If I could wait until Bumpus was in kindergarten to have another, I would. But I don't have that kind of time. Another lifetime, huh?

In the meantime, Theo has porked up a lot in the last couple of weeks. He is solid as a linebacker and is wearing his six month onesies. Does this mean he will be able to sleep through the night soon? God I hope so! His new habit is to wake around 10 or 11, then again around 1 AM, then after that it's kind of a blur. I preferred it when he didn't wake at all until 1 or later...but I have noticed he sleeps better in the morning when he wakes up at 10 to be fed. So, I'm down with that. 

Either he's super easy or I'm just better at this now, but this child doesn't give me a lick of trouble. Sure, he screams his head off in the car, is tough to put down, throws up gallons all day long soaking anything he comes in contact with. But in the scheme of things, eh. It's no big deal. Mostly he's just cute and dimply and coos and squawks and pulls his legs up so he looks like a little peanut. And I want to Eat.Him.Up.

T minus one week

A week from today is Bobby's first day at preschool. To say I'm gleefully anticipating it is an understatement. It doesn't mean I don't love him and don't want to spend time with him. It does mean toddlers are frigging hard, I'm ill-equipped, and I'm excited to see how he'll blossom in a structured, fun environment. I do think my particular circumstances call out for early preschool - not having a partner to give me regular (free) breaks, not having a job to get me out of the house, and not being suited to being the full-time caretaker of small children (I would rather clean septic tanks for a living than be a nanny to someone else's toddler). It's just me & him & baby all alone, all of the time. Even having two afternoons "off" a week is going to make such a difference. I will celebrate the first day by heading off to mommy & me yoga, something I have not been able to enjoy since before B was mobile, which seems like a million years ago.

I'm glad for the last month or so as I've taken him every Saturday, he has grown accustomed to the place again (when he transitioned to the preschool area from the baby area, it was kind of rough on him). He never cries or clings to me when I leave him now, which is a good feeling. Even better is when I go to pick him up and he runs and hugs me. That's pretty awesome.

I bought him one of those cute owl back packs and put his name on it with a laundry pen. I'm so excited to pack his little lunches in the cute Japanese lunchbox where years ago I kept condoms. Full circle, ya know?

The advent of preschool is coming not a moment too early. My parenting has kind of sucked lately. Freaked out by various unpleasant playground incidents (and now that school is out, every public place is lousy with big kids running rampant - ugh!), exhausted from three months of running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and just fed up in general, I have resorted more and more to television and driving around for hours all day, both things I'm not at all proud of. 

I've also been spending a small fortune at the Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and Baskin Robbins drive thrus. All of this is not at all like me. I'm so much better than this. But right now it's kind of the best I can do.

I tried out a new sitter last night that I got from urbansitter. So, a total stranger and not recommended by a friend, which did stress me out a bit. But with my main sitter now married and no doubt planning a family of her own soon, and my two backup sitters pretty much always unavailable these days, it was time to branch out. This gal was very sweet and handled Theo's wake up for milk around midnight really well (yes, I treated myself to a rare night out dancing, so I could come right home in case there was a problem), so hopefully having a new, close by sitter will allow me a bit more spontaneity. 

I spent a bizarre couple of days with a horrible crick in my neck and the fun of something called "tonsil stones" (chunks of calcification that lodge in the back of your throat and feel like tiny hailstones) but thankfully both of these things have resolved themselves. Bobby has a horrible bloody diaper rash that I have been trying to resolve first with Butt Paste and now with maximum strength Desitin, all to no avail. Theo seems to puke up about 300% more fluid than he consumes. But other than that, we're all good.