8 months

Too heavy for a Monday morning?

Yesterday I wrote this whole post about being afraid of the toddler years, only to have it disappear when I tried to add a photo. This updated blogger app blows, by the way. But at least it gave me more time to think through these fears and come to the root of them. And the root isn't pretty.

I spent the day with shall we say "spirited" boys, and it kind of freaked me out, as hanging out with other people's children pretty much always does. I was sitting there holding my sweet, innocent, compliant little baby who pretty much has no power, and watching as the older boys poked each others eyes out with sticks, threw sand in each other's faces after repeatedly being told to not to throw sand in each other's faces, and sticking their tongues out at their mothers. It was a nightmare. And I was left asking myself the same question I always ask myself - is this bad parenting, or is this just the way kids are? Which means, Bumpus will some day be like this, too!

Everyone I know with toddlers appears to be struggling (well, based on their Facebook updates, anyway). It just looks so hard. Of course many of them have toddlers and new babies, which is harder. But I still live in terror of the day B becomes angry, defiant, and disrespectful. And it makes me ask the hard question - will I stop loving him if he's like that?

Of course not, you say. He's your son, your blood. He could turn out to be a serial killer and you would still love him (while disapproving of his "choices"). But. Things are a little different from my perspective, because the minute I expressed an opinion of my own and tried to show my mother I was an independent person, she cut me off, and we haven't spoken since. That was essentially the end of our relationship. Could this happen to us?

I also want to tell myself "of course not, you're not a narcissist, and you already respect B as a human being and accept he has a right to his own personality, which your mother never did." But those fears are still there. Sure, it's easy to say that NOW, when he's so easy and a delight to be around. What happens when he's difficult? When we have a series of days of non-stop tantrums and crappy behavior, despite my best efforts? That's bound to happen, right? Even with no divorce or moving or instability? Every kid does that sometimes, right? And normal parents get through it and have a sense of humor. But am I normal?

I suppose it'll be like everything else, where you're just "in it" and you hardly notice the bad times, and there are far more good times. Right now I get little to no sleep, B destroys my nipples, and sometimes whines all evening for no apparent reason. None of these things are particularly pleasant, yet I just go through them because, frankly, I have no other choice. And the hours and hours of constant smiles and cuteness more than makes up for these things.

But I admit it. I'm scared of Bumpus getting older and being a rotten little kid, and not knowing what to do, and not loving him anymore. This scares the crap out of me.

Meeting & Greeting

Aha! At last my Pasadena SMC group is having a meeting that I know about! It's not their fault; I have issues with my Yahoo account and so signing into the group is a real pain, especially since it's best done on the computer, not the phone, and as you know I rarely touch my computer these days because it's so clunky (and I have pretty much ceded the office to the dog at this point). But for some reason I got a string of emails from them about their monthly meeting which is tomorrow...and as long as it doesn't rain, I will finally get to meet some local SMCs! Can't wait!

Yesterday I joined one of my mommy's groups for a downtown LA adventure, which was fun. But I have to say I feel slightly alienated by all the husband talk. Again, not their fault, and they have all been very nice and welcoming to me. But there's something uncomfortably familiar about joining an already established group - they already have their friendships established, and it's my job to try to fit in. It just reminds me of the millions of times I had to do this as a kid since we constantly moved house, with resultant changing of schools, sometimes even in the middle of a school year. It's not fun trying to assimilate yourself into a closed group. So there were times yesterday where I found myself staring into space alone while everyone talked amongst themselves, and for sure being single just makes me feel like I don't belong. At one point I even found myself saying, "oh yeah, we have hardwood floors, too." And who is this "we", exactly? Me and Bumpus, I guess!

It reminded me of how amazed I am that my single girlfriend relationships haven't changed at all since the baby. Those were the relationships that I thought would suffer the most, and yet they have flourished. It really makes me think that it's not children that put a wedge between women, it's husbands! Either that or bitching about men is such a huge part of my life that I still need my single gals to get together and bitch with. So, we still have that in common, apparently!

It's funny because I get this weird attitude when I'm in the married mommy group like these women are all "held down" somehow, even though I know this can't be true. Is this something I tell myself to make myself feel better, superior? Probably. That and years of conditioning from an angry feminist mother (who ironically threw her whole life away over men...as you do). Just the way they talk about their husbands...and it's never negative, mind you...but I see how many choices they don't get because they have to compromise all the time, especially when it comes to parenting. Not getting to choose the name you really want for your kid, for example. Just all those little indignities that go along with sharing your life with another adult.

Although I have a situation right now that I could really use a husband for. My bandleader booked us to play a free benefit tonight from midnight until 2 am, way down in south Orange County (over an hour drive). I originally agreed as we do this every year (though normally not in the middle of the night), but yesterday I got to thinking how insane this will be - B usually goes to bed around ten, so dragging a sleeping baby out at that hour, into a loud, bright environment, where nobody will be able to watch him while I sing, hours away in the cold (and possibly rain), to get home at 3 am and try to get us both back to sleep - and for free? I don't know why I agreed to this. I'm going to tell him I can't come. However if I had someone at home who could watch the sleeping baby for a few hours, I would go. So, I guess those husbands are good for something!

First Christmas plans

Yesterday I went to Ikea "just to look". $115 and two giant bags later, I had bought 20 jars for "gift in a jar" Christmas gift ideas, a spring form pan, a laundry basket, candles, soft toys for Bumpus, and several other things. Buying the toys for B gave me kind of a funny thought. For this first Christmas, when I'll be home alone and Bumpus won't really understand the concept, how do I handle the whole "gift" thing?

I figured I'd buy him presents, of course, and I'm sure the relatives and some friends will send things. But it's kind of funny to think of Bumpus seeing me buy the gifts, watch me wrap them, and then have him open them. Not that he'll grasp any of this at nine months, but it kind of cracks me up.

Then I started thinking about future Christmases when he does grasp the concept - and I've decided I am "doing" Santa (that sounds wrong). Then I started thinking about how the Santa presents should have special wrapping paper, different from the Mommy gifts. And then I started thinking, does Santa bring mommy gifts, too? Should I buy myself something and wrap it just for fun?

So many new things to think about!!! I've been on such a Christmas frenzy lately, and it's all kind of funny since Bumpus won't understand any of it! He will, however, see pictures of his first Christmas one day, and he'll want to know about it.

Today I hit up the dollar stores for cheap decor. Once upon a time I got my pregnancy tests there. My how times have changed!

How would you feel?

Yesterday I had a singing gig at a bar, and my sitter called to cancel due to illness. It's one of the few things I do where I absolutely cannot bring the baby, and yet I can't cancel, either. Fortunately because I have a backup and a backup and a backup, I had a new sitter within five minutes. Bam!

A lot of our friends came. I positively basked in that. Boy have I missed my friends. The dumb inside jokes, the old stories. SO important. I feel like I get out a lot now - probably more than before I had the baby. But I never go dancing. And I don't see this changing, because you never know when you're going to have a "good" night where everyone shows up, and my sitter money is just best spent on sure things (book club, singing gigs, etc). I keep waiting for some month where I don't have much going on to set aside a night or two to go out and dance - but this never happens. So unless you're a single woman friend I can hike with or a fellow mom, I never see you.

Naturally a group of us moms sat at a table when I wasn't singing and talked about our kids all night. I used to think these conversations must be mind numbingly boring; now I find them utterly fascinating. What do you do about bedtimes, toddlers with attitude, birthday parties? This is all information I need to know. Everyone asked if I'd have another, and I recounted my fears if having lucked out with this one and not being so lucky next time (either with the baby's health or temperament or both). Have I mentioned that every sitter I have tells me what a good boy Bumpus is, so calm and easy? Maybe they say that to all the parents, but I think they're right. I'd love to say it's my stellar parenting skills, the fact that he's always with me so he feels safe, etc, but honestly I think it has nothing to do with me, I think it's just him. In other words, I lucked out. And I don't trust that luck to hit twice! Anyway it's been ages since I've felt any real compelling desire for another baby. I don't even think of it in a longing way anymore like I used to - I really am convinced the secret to happiness (for me) is one child. I often think my old longing for another baby wasn't so much wanting another child as it was I just wanted to name something!

So one topic that came up last night was the idea that kids have feelings, too, that should be honored as much as we honor our own. One friend said she is very scared of the dark, so how would she feel if she called to her husband in another room and said she was scared, and he ignored her or yelled to her to just go back to sleep? I've often thought about how people don't want their children obsessed with "screens" because they should be able to entertain themselves and not use games or videos as a "crutch", but then I think about how I pretty much glue myself to a phone or television to avoid life's boring moments - waiting in line at the post office, stuck in traffic, bored at home at night, etc. Why should I expect a little kid to be quiet and stare into space like a good little boy when I can't even do that? Why do we expect more from little kids than we demand from ourselves?

Here's a picture of Bumpus in his crib. He was in the middle of telling me something VERY IMPORTANT.

Food, glorious food

While stocking up on baking ingredients yesterday, I decided to take the plunge and buy some standard baby food. But what about making healthy, organic baby food at home, you say? What about your $100 baby food maker and all the cute little accoutrements? The baby food cookbooks, the little freezing trays? Well. They have gone the way of the cloth diapers, I'm afraid. They have gone to the "too overwhelming" file.

The primary reason I haven't started B on solids in any real way is because it was all just too complicated. And I've had too many second time mothers lately tell me how they cooked for their first baby and not for the second, and how happy they are about this decision. Also I have cross-continental travel coming up in two weeks and don't want to start a routine only to have it interrupted. But mostly I'm just lazy and can't deal with the weirdness of trying to cook and preserve baby food. And I need to get this baby eating food if I ever want to enlist part time care (I refuse to pump that much - I refuse!). So as one who prefers to deal with reality rather than fantasy, I figure if buying jars of food makes it easier for now, then so be it. There's no reason I can't make food for him later.

Today's effort didn't go so well, though. I gave him a little baby applesauce - he made a face like I fed him lemons and wouldn't eat it. I thought it might be a little too tart, so I gave him some peas, which also made him make a face. I gave him some rice rusks but I'm sure he played with it more than ate it. And all of this made a MESS. Isn't it ironic that the minute babies stop profusely spitting up and peeing and pooping out of their diapers they need to eat solids and then that gets all over everything? Oh well, thank goodness for dishwashers and washing machines!

I know the trick is to just keep trying the food - and maybe I do need to mix a little milk in, or start with cereals, so it's less jarring (no pun intended). Or maybe skip all these nasty purées and have him eat my food (I smelled the pea purée. It was pretty gross).

Ho ho ho!

Here they are, improvised home made Christmas stockings!