I spent the day with shall we say "spirited" boys, and it kind of freaked me out, as hanging out with other people's children pretty much always does. I was sitting there holding my sweet, innocent, compliant little baby who pretty much has no power, and watching as the older boys poked each others eyes out with sticks, threw sand in each other's faces after repeatedly being told to not to throw sand in each other's faces, and sticking their tongues out at their mothers. It was a nightmare. And I was left asking myself the same question I always ask myself - is this bad parenting, or is this just the way kids are? Which means, Bumpus will some day be like this, too!
Everyone I know with toddlers appears to be struggling (well, based on their Facebook updates, anyway). It just looks so hard. Of course many of them have toddlers and new babies, which is harder. But I still live in terror of the day B becomes angry, defiant, and disrespectful. And it makes me ask the hard question - will I stop loving him if he's like that?
Of course not, you say. He's your son, your blood. He could turn out to be a serial killer and you would still love him (while disapproving of his "choices"). But. Things are a little different from my perspective, because the minute I expressed an opinion of my own and tried to show my mother I was an independent person, she cut me off, and we haven't spoken since. That was essentially the end of our relationship. Could this happen to us?
I also want to tell myself "of course not, you're not a narcissist, and you already respect B as a human being and accept he has a right to his own personality, which your mother never did." But those fears are still there. Sure, it's easy to say that NOW, when he's so easy and a delight to be around. What happens when he's difficult? When we have a series of days of non-stop tantrums and crappy behavior, despite my best efforts? That's bound to happen, right? Even with no divorce or moving or instability? Every kid does that sometimes, right? And normal parents get through it and have a sense of humor. But am I normal?
I suppose it'll be like everything else, where you're just "in it" and you hardly notice the bad times, and there are far more good times. Right now I get little to no sleep, B destroys my nipples, and sometimes whines all evening for no apparent reason. None of these things are particularly pleasant, yet I just go through them because, frankly, I have no other choice. And the hours and hours of constant smiles and cuteness more than makes up for these things.
But I admit it. I'm scared of Bumpus getting older and being a rotten little kid, and not knowing what to do, and not loving him anymore. This scares the crap out of me.
Elsie and I are just entering the toddler years and she is defintiely "spirited". I readily realize that her independence and need to have things her way definitely come from me. I worry that those traits in us will cause all sorts of head-butting in my family.
ReplyDeleteI have a decent relationship with my mom but I think I was raised with some beign neglect... I have two younger sisters with medical issues so they always got more attention. I was already trying to be independent so it was easier for my mom just to let me do whatever.Right now, Elsie is my only and I can focus on her. And I still find us butting heads.
I say all this to say that you are not your mother and your situations are not the same. You are in control of the kind of mom you want to be.
I started reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Kurcinka as recommened by some other SMC's with spirited children. Some suggestions are counter-intuiative to me but I have tried them and it has helped with some of the temper tantrums that are already starting.
I don't have any pat answers, not that you are looking for them, but I have some related fears, like "what if my child starts being really annoying to me?" I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI think they do become more annoying but also more fun to be around, as they become "real people," so maybe it makes up for it?
I don't know, I'm getting the first glimmers of toddler defiance and it's not awesome. I'm trying to remember, though, that I get to control my own reaction. I don't HAVE to be driven crazy by her whining and throwing of forks. And also that she's acting that way for a reason, whether it's fatigue, boredom, or some unknown reason. And that she's being the best Calliope she can be, under the circumstances. I think that's true of all people. Maybe seeing each other like that makes it easier to be sympathetic and less likely to be angered by a child's behavior?
I'm still working on it... I will let you know!
I have the same fears when I see other horrid little boys in public places. Plus, my cousin has an impossible 3 year-old, and my 11 month-old nephew is shaping up to be a real peach.
ReplyDeleteHere's the difference as I see it: the parents of the awful kids are exhausted (and sometimes resentful). Either they started out paired and are now single, or perhaps dad isn't stepping up the way they expected, and in their exact words, "I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with him right now."
I hope I never get to a point where I can't be bothered to discipline my son. I can't imagine what would get me there.
Not too heavy though I am just now answering it. You are not your mother any more than I am my mother. Having experienced the pain and the crap of parents "with strings", I think that we will be more aware and will not try to force our kids into molds. That doesn't mean we won't discipline to the best of our ability, but we will always remember and know that memory is NOT something we want our babies to have. I believe that you will do wonderfully and that Bumpus is blessed to have you as his mom.
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