Other mothers

Yesterday I went to the first of my new mom meetup events. It was a casual park get together, with the added lure of trying out a swing for the first time (see yesterday's pics).

It was interesting being around new people since I'm in such a crunchy mom bubble around here. At this meetup, everyone used strollers and not carriers. Everyone talked about their husbands more than their babies. And just about everyone formula fed. And before I caught myself, me, the defender of formula feeders, I found myself judging them. Just a little. When the fifth baby got cranky and the mom whipped out the pre-measured powder and small bottles of water, I found myself thinking, "wtf? Does nobody breastfeed around here? They're all young and healthy, what's going on?" But then I quickly corrected myself and remembered how hard it was for me in the beginning, how I almost gave up, and absolutely would have, had I not had people encouraging me and giving me resources to get help. And how many people have major issues around breastfeeding even if they're able to do it some of the time. Then I mentally shut up. But it was just odd because everyone - and I mean everyone - I know, are passionate baby wearers, breastfeeders, most even cloth diaperers. So that shows the company I keep.

My Mom Guru friend was impressed when I told her the turnout - probably 10-15 mothers - and said meet ups are really hard; that it's difficult to get new members, difficult to get anyone to RSVP for events, and difficult to get those who RSVP to show up. I forget how phenomenally flaky most people are, especially when they have small children. I can honestly say since I had Bumpus I've only had to cancel a couple of things, and am NEVER late. But this is not so for most people. And that's ok - it just means I won't be starting my own meetup group anytime soon. I had high hopes that I could really get a groundswell movement going here in LA for single moms by choice, but if you can barely even get traditional married moms together, well, I might just have my work cut out for me.

Speaking of groups and gatherings, the bastard on the Hall of Fame board has resigned! He probably didn't like being attacked by us at the last meeting. So now I am motivated to stay on the board, maybe even run for president if nobody else wants the job. I would love nothing more than to whip this puppy into shape. I also have lately been thinking about getting into some local politics at some point. I've always been very political and have found I really like the idea of public service. So maybe I'll look into getting into some neighborhood councils or something.

Lately as I move forward into this whole motherhood thing, it's hard not to think of my own mother and compare our experiences. And it sincerely pains me to say this, but I am developing a little empathy for her. She was profoundly selfish, yes. Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Yes. And later on she was a crappy abandoning mother, for sure. But when we were babies, she did everything I'm doing for Bumpus, for me and my sister. She stayed up with us at night, she diapered us, cleaned up our vomit, fed us, listened to us cry a million times, kept us warm or cool as needed, made us birthday cakes and Halloween costumes and wrapped our presents. I know there were times in our poverty where she did without so we could have something. When we were teenagers she had no sympathy for our problems, never kissed or hugged us or told us she loved us, yes. But when we were babies...when we were babies...!

She must have hugged us then! I know she was an old school CIO type (let's face it, nearly all mothers were in the 70s and 60s), but she must have comforted us at least some of the time, must have kissed our boo boos and picked us up when we really needed it. It's a cruel reality that we can't remember back that far, but can only remember later, when her depression and narcissism got out of control, when our religion ruled our lives and she was realizing that had she never had kids she might have been successful (not quite understanding that it was probably more the husbands than the kids that prevented her from doing things).

But so often I look at little Bumpus - and he looks SO much like her - and think of the love I have for him, and will always have for him, and wonder, with a broken heart, why, and how, she stopped loving us.