Metaphors and Kings

We didn’t end up taking Bobby to the No Kings protest on Sat - I was too concerned about leaving Theo alone - but as we all now know, the day went by without incident, was fun and joyful, and we totally could have taken both of them. I keep saying “next time” I’ll start taking the kids, but it seems every time a new big protest rolls around there’s increased threats of violence, so who knows.

I was on a high from the great day when - jump scare - late that night one of the H’s old friends who I am no longer connected to on FB but regrettably saw my post of me dressed in a chicken costume (solidarity with the Portland frogs) due to still being “friends” with the H who was tagged, took it upon himself to comment that I looked “hideous and retarded”. This after his wife at the same time made a couple of snarky right wing meme posts about how if he really were a king these protests wouldn’t be allowed, blah blah. Now keep in mind, although we haven’t seen these people in ten years, I did meet them when the H and I first started dating; we went to their house for dinner because they were basically like family to him (they were family of his first wife who took him in and would have him over pretty much every weekend). We invited them to the wedding just three years ago - they couldn’t come, but I genuinely believe would have if they could. To go from that - pretty much being family - to calling me “hideous and retarded”, I found unbelievably cruel and out of line. What I wanted was for the H to let them have it - but in the shock and confusion of it all (FB changed how you reply to comments so it took me forever to figure out how to delete comments) I ended up deleting the comments before he could respond, and then blocked them both from both of our accounts. I realize I’m a light weight when it comes to this stuff because I have no MAGA friends or family and have insulated myself to where I pretty much never have to deal with those fucking people either online or in person, but this was really shocking and upsetting to me. I’m still not over it, truth be told. The sadism and cruelty this fucking piece of shit in the White House has enabled in our fellow citizens is really horrific. 

Breathe, breathe.

In some good news, after a failed Halloween shopping trip with the H over the weekend, I took the boys to Spirit yesterday and Theo got yet another video game-related inflatable costume, and much to my delight, Bobby agreed to be Napoleon Dynamite. How perfect is that?? Now I’m starting to get excited for the holiday. We all re-watched the movie last night for character study.

I went to Bobby’s student-lead conferences last week, and I have to say, (luckily) it was a bit of a waste of time. Everyone just said Bobby was doing great (yay). What I really wanted was to know what each teacher has planned for the year, but I guess that only happens at Back to School night, which I always miss because it’s always the first night of my event. I’m always a bit taken aback when I see how dirty and disorganized both kids’ schools are - the buildings are in terrible disrepair and strewn with trash. But hey - public schools in a big city. I’m sure mine were no different, I just don’t remember. 

In the background of our pleasant daily lives is all sorts of chaos - the shocking optics of the destruction of the east wing of the White House yesterday, the ceasefire in Gaza falling apart, the corruption and lawsuits, the government shutdown that may never end. It directly impacts us because all year I’ve been waiting for open enrollment to get the H on my healthcare plan, and that may not be possible now. He may not be able to have any health insurance at all, with rates skyrocketing. I’m not really sure what we’re going to do. If Newsom wants to be president badly enough he would find a way to get universal healthcare for California. Boy would that be great!

Murals and musings

Our mural is complete - the artist worked on it over the weekend and then a couple of days this week, weather permitting. I think it lends a nice air of whimsy to this place, now that we’ve transitioned from trying to hide (which doesn’t work, anyway - everyone knows we’re there). Once again I found myself crunching numbers to see how much it would cost to live out there, just for my own entertainment. Almost nothing, as it turns out - if I didn’t have this house to maintain, my basic expenses would run about $1000, just for me. It’s very tempting to sell this place and just exile myself out there and live off the proceeds and never do a day of work again. But, I have two kids that need to go to school, and I’m not really up for an exile in the desert, not yet. But I have to admit it’s nice to know that’s an option. 

Bobby announced he’s going to his school’s homecoming with his girlfriend and needed an outfit, so I tortured myself with a visit to the brand new chaotic Ross in our neighborhood. I got him some cheap clothes, including black pants, a black button up shirt, and dress shoes. When we got home we did a cull of his current clothes, and unfortunately all the men’s small band shirts I bought him no longer fit. But the good news is I can wear them, and also this gives lots of Christmas present ideas. At least he still wants to wear band shirts.

It’s funny to think that you need to be taught how to shop - he has no concept of how to find his way around a store, how to find his size, how to pick things he likes, how to try something on and determine if it works or not. He just sort of looks at me helplessly. And I’m no help because I positively loathe shopping, especially of not vintage things, and especially in places like that. With that said, I plan on hitting up Jet Rag, my favorite vintage clothing store, tomorrow to look for items for my fall Dark Academia look. I’m mostly looking for 70s velvet blazers, metallic belts, and maybe a mesh necktie necklace. I’m trying to evolve my look from cottagecore to soft goth, and trying to do it cheaply. We’ll see how it goes. 

I asked Bobby if he wants to join the protest Saturday, something I’ve never done before. He said he would. My only concern is leaving Theo alone, especially if something were to “happen”. So I’m not 100% sure I want Bobby going only because we need a free babysitter. But I also want him to start getting involved with this stuff - he’s old enough, and I give the boys daily updates on the political goings-on when we drive to and from school, so they’re both very aware of the fuckery going on.

Halloween has so far been very low key this year. Neither kid has any idea what they want to be, and they don’t seem to really care. The H will take them shopping maybe this weekend - my request, since he likes doing it, and, as previously stated, I hate shopping - hopefully they’ll come up with something they like. For me, I was burned out on Halloween by 11 or 12, so I can see how these kids just don’t have the enthusiasm they used to. They still seem to want to go trick or treating, though - although it’s funny to think that our years of doing that with the kids are numbered, too - two, maybe three years from now, they’ll be over it. Time is moving so fast these days. I often think of how huge Kid’s Klub, their babysitter and preschool, was in our lives for several years - and then, one day, poof! We just never went there again, and never will. Next Friday is the Halloween carnival at Theo’s school, and that, too, will probably be the last one we’ll ever go to, since the jr/sr high doesn’t have stuff like that. In June Theo graduates, and the days of driving up Eagle Rock Blvd to and from school every day are gone forever. I’m going to have to figure out a whole new drop off/pick up routine, and it probably won’t involve the library anymore unless I’m out of town. And that’ll be our routine for six more years. And then - all of this is over. It’s mind boggling, really, how fast it all goes. 

Spooky season

My two remaining band trips for the year are done - Chicago and Eureka, CA - so now’s the time of year where I pull my head out of the event-planning sand, take a look around, and think of things in my environment that need fixing or upgrading. 

After getting my beat up and broken drip line system fixed, I’ve got plans to plant up the planters in my yard - not with edibles, since they always get destroyed by the local fauna, but maybe this time some nice native plants, preferably perennials, preferably with pretty flowers I can make bouquets with. I’ve tried this and failed many times, but hey, hope springs eternal. I have fond memories of helping my grandmother populate her planter every Memorial Day with pansies and other pretty, colorful flowers for her to enjoy all summer in rural Connecticut - since I’m in the upside down where summer stretches into November and now is the best time to plant, I figured I’d give it a shot. 

We head to the desert tonight to meet with our muralist to get started. It’s going to be odd having someone out there with us; no running around naked, I guess! But I’m excited to get it started (and hopefully finished). I’m also excited to be out there in prime season - not too hot, not too cold. It kills me that every year two of the best weekends (end of Sept, beginning of Oct) get taken by band travel, but I did make $2000 which is paying for this mural, so there you go. I’m planning on heading out in about a month with friends, and then hoping we can replicate last year’s Thanksgiving dinner in the desert-stay until Sunday-trip. I’d like to do some projects out there (hook up my kitchen sink, set up a patio by the container), and also take a day to head up to the Mojave National Preserve and hike the Rings Trail like we did during the pandemic, and maybe hit up the lava tube which we’ve never made it to before. I just love that area. 

The local revival theater has lots of great classic horror films this month, so I’m taking Bobby to Night of the Living Dead, Poltergeist, and the family to ET and Ghost World. I wanted to take him to Carrie but decided that might be too gnarly so am going with a friend instead. Something shifted in his brain around puberty - suddenly, he can handle scary things. Theo is still a hard no. It’ll be interesting to see when/if that changes for him. 

I recruited Theo into helping me make banana bread, and we had a blast. So much so that I decided to buy a cute vintage cookie jar (natch) and set a goal to make cookies together from time to time. He does have an interest in cooking and baking, and executes things well, so why not? I’m worried about having sugary things around, but hell, I’m off the wait loss train until January. It’s completely impossible to lose weight at the holidays, so, fuck it. Hopefully the kids will eat most of the things we make. I only got two slices of the banana bread, so there you go. 

The future of our health insurance hangs in the balance, as it does for all Americans right now. I did get the usual rate increase notification, and it’s just slightly more than typical, but I’ve been waiting until November to get the H on my plan and apply through the ACA so it doesn’t cost a fortune; the Republicans could screw all that up for us. Even if I apply and get us a discount now, that doesn’t mean our rate won’t go through the roof in January. Like so many angry Democrats, part of me wants everyone, including myself, to get temporarily screwed over so that maybe, just maybe, people will get mad enough to finally bring the orange turd’s reign of horror to an end. I have zero predictions as to what’s going to happen with this government shutdown other than, as with last time, lack of air traffic controllers will probably be a deciding factor. Thank goodness even billionaires with private jets need air traffic controllers. 

The Fall

This time - mid-September through October - is really my best time of year. My event is freshly over, and although I have ideas for next year, I don’t have to implement any of them yet. The boys are in school, it’s time to plan for the holidays, we have Southern California delayed summer. It’s a whole thing. I see my usual flood of emails instantly reduce to a mere trickle, and while this is jarring, it’s also kind of great.

I spent the weekend in Chicago at a dance event we’re hired for every year. It was a good time. Thanks to my new expanded event schedule which left me less exhausted and fed up, I had more energy going in to this event, so had the spoons to have lots of good conversations and bonding time with people I don’t get to see very often. I only have four days at home and then I head up to a jazz festival in northern Cal next weekend. That event for me has been a bit isolating because my band leader, who has the car, works at the event a lot more than I do, so I find myself alone and stranded much of the time. However, a close friend is coming this time, and we’re planning on getting out to see the redwoods, which would be amazing. So I expect this trip will be better than the previous. 

Yesterday while I was bored at the airport, I got alerted that someone was on the porch, so I had a look, and it was Bobby on his phone. I could hear some loud voices - not angry or anything, just loud - coming from the phone, then he got up and walked around to one side of the house, then immediately went around to the other side, then must have gone back into the house through the back door (why was that open?). The H was at work at this time. It was puzzling. What the heck was he doing? I’m dying to ask him, but I don’t want him to know I was watching him. It just reminded me that sometimes with teenagers you just don’t want to know what they’re up to. Lord knows my mother would have died if she’d known all the dangerous shit I got up to when I was just a year older than him. We trust these kids to be home alone and outside of our purview - we trust that they won’t eat things they’re not supposed to or go through our things or steal money or do anything dangerous or destructive - but the fact is, we have no idea what they do when we’re not here. I like to think they’re just playing video games or scrolling through YouTube shorts, but who knows? I was such a hyper vigilant mother when they were little - unless they were in their room at night, they were never out of my sight, not even for a minute - but it’s hit me that those days of constant surveillance are over. At some point these kids will want to hang out with their friends after school, or on weekends, and there’s nothing I can do to keep them safe. Theo already has been going to stores after school and buying pizza and boba with his friends without asking or telling us; I wondered if I should tell him not to do this, but honestly, he’s old enough. I did the same at his age, and it’s time he learned a little independence. After all, next year they’ll be at the same school, and I might have them start taking the public bus home, since it picks them up right in front of school and drops them really close to home. 

Speaking of being at the same school, in just two days I apply for Theo to get into the gifted magnet at Bobby’s school, and we get an answer in March. I have a (perhaps) irrational fear that he won’t make it, based on the fact that he’s been waitlisted for the gifted program every year up until now (even though that’s a different situation since that program at his current school doesn’t have much space). He has tons of “points” thanks to my having applied every year, and he has sibling points thanks to his brother, but I still worry. He’s a smart kid and I don’t want to see him fall behind. Already I’m not thrilled with how 6th grade is starting out - he rarely has homework, and talks about the movies they watch at school. Huh? I guess I’ll withhold judgment until I meet this teacher at the parent-teacher conference. 

It appears the bots are at it again - I noticed this phenomenon during the 2016 election, wherein my blog posts that normally get about 50-60 views suddenly started getting hundreds, and then this sharply dropped off the minute the election was over. The same thing is happening here - hundreds of views on all my most recent posts, but no comments or followers. I know at this point after all these years I probably only have a tiny group of people who check in occasionally to see what’s happening in our mundane lives (thank you!), so there’s no way my post on Bobby’s new girlfriend got 800 page views. Crazy. 

It’s happening….!

So yesterday as I was driving the kids home from school, I noticed Bobby was wearing this black bracelet that I’d been seeing around the house. “Where did you get that?” I casually asked. “My girlfriend gave it to me.” Theo piped in from the back seat, “oh yeah, Bobby has a girlfriend.”

I’m not ashamed to admit I sputtered like Daffy Duck for a few minutes. How-? When-? And most importantly, who-??? All the while looking at my tiny baby’s goofy grin as he told me some basic details that I only half heard because I was being deafened by the sound of one of my ovaries dying. 

So apparently her name is Jasmeen (I think) and at the end of school last year her friend passed him a note. They still do that??? How charming. He showed me a picture of a cute Asian girl taking a picture of herself in the mirror. He says they mostly just walk around school and talk. He said she plays video games but mostly is “really different”. I’m going to guess not many kids his age listen to Devo, so no surprises there. I said if he ever wanted to take her on a proper date that we’d drop him off and give him money and stuff. And that was pretty much it. Of course I wanted tons of information, but I sensed there wasn’t much to be had. I reiterated my speech about no nudes being asked for nor sent. He said he would never do that. Ok then. 

I asked Theo if kids in his class had boyfriends or girlfriends and he said some, but it’s mostly kids talking about liking each other. I asked if there was anyone he liked and he said no. 

I did not have “Bobby gets a girlfriend” on my fall 2025 bingo card. Neither did I have CK’s killer as most likely doing that because he was in love with a trans person and felt the need to do some grand defensive act, but here we are. I always imagined Bobby as being a late bloomer due to his shyness…but I have to admit, the kid’s got swagger. He just does. My prayer for these boys is that their early relationships, unlike mine, will be devoid of the gut wrenching terror of abandonment that being repeatedly abandoned by both parents causes. May they have normal relationship drama and make good choices, unlike me at that age. 

Just a few days ago Bobby had become obsessed with finding a bag of watch parts I said I had, and so we went through some of my old boxes of childhood stuff. In one I found a long lost wallet, one my mother had made in home ec class in high school in the 50s that I then went on to use in high school in the 80s. In it was a fascinating time capsule - an old subway pass, my Amnesty International card, my church membership card, a pass to the teen club The Saint, and a name tag tagged by a graffiti artist that probably had some significance I no longer remember. As time moves forward, I become more and more disconnected from that girl, even though she’s still me. Will Bobby even remember this first girlfriend when he’s my age? Will he even remember himself? I wonder. 

Season opening

This weekend we returned to the desert for the first time in three months to open the place back up. Thankfully, much like last year, the only damage in the place was the usual dust and a couple of dead bugs. It was clear water had pooled all around the place from recent storms, which was a bit worrying, but didn’t get inside. We only went for one night - I took Bobby to a Grandaddy concert on Friday, which was wonderful - and that’s probably for the best, because even in the low 90s, with no power, it’s just too damned hot. 

The main purpose for this visit, other than squeezing in a visit this month before we’re occupied the next three weekends, was to meet with the mural painter, who came by this morning. He’s going to knock out a mural on our container featuring our favorite desert animal, the kangaroo rat, during our next visit in October. I’m thrilled at the prospect. Post-event present to myself, unlocked!

I have a couple more big payments to make before I can officially close the books on this year - and I’m a little alarmed at how little money I have left. I’ll still survive, but I think it’s safe to say there will be no splurging of any kind - I only hope I’m not hit with some sudden expensive home repair or healthcare cost or something like that. I’m going to have to seriously rein it in as far as travel for us. Again, not hard to do. We can spend Thanksgiving week and spring break at the cabin (that’s what it’s for, after all), Christmas break in Florida, and by summer I’ll have some sense of what I’m looking at for next year’s event. We’re all going to have to just buckle up for 2026, I’m afraid. Things are going to get crazy, and not in a good way. 

How it went

So. Here we are, about a week after the event. How do I feel about it? Good! Honestly, other than one horrible incident, everything went the smoothest it’s ever gone, even with the extra day, even with all the new things I added in. Turns out pretty much everything I added, worked - people loved the new contests, the new schedule, the extra things I added in. Every bet I made succeeded - spreading things out and allowing for breaks completely changed the feel of the event. It no longer felt like a steamroller out of control - I felt like I could pace myself, take breaks, and tackle each day with new energy. It was great. 

Despite my fears for the state of affairs in 2026, I will keep the extra day. The hotel contract people finally got back to me during the event and gave me a really shitty offer if I took off Thursday, raising my rates and taking off staff rooms, etc etc. That sealed the deal. Thursday stays. 

I did still end up 100 people behind last year, but thankfully financially it doesn’t seem to have mattered much - I sold more night dance tickets, and I’m still ahead with a small cushion similar to last year. I will still express caution, however - no big expenditures this year until we know how next year is going to go. Next year could still be rough. 

Despite all the good vibes this year, there was one horrible racial incident that I knew was bound to happen sooner or later. One of my teaching couples also runs teams, and this year on Friday night they presented a team that started with an older black actress, a friend of mine, playing the role of Tituba (the team routine had a Crucible theme - why anyone thought this was appropriate, baffles me to no end). Her costume was very jarring - clearly she was dressed as a slave - and everyone freaked out. Within a day, someone had spread it all over the internet, with of course my event taking the hit, not the people involved, which is how it goes. I found the actress in the hallway and pulled her aside to tell her what was going on, and she was immediately sobbing and embarrassed. To her, she was playing a historical character and didn’t see why anyone would be offended by that. And that was part of my conflict with it, too, was that she played that character with her own free will, and who are we to judge her choices, as a black woman? Let’s just say it was more complicated than if a white woman had played that role in blackface, or something like that. Suffice it to say, from that moment forward, the entire event for me was mitigating this crisis - calling people into meetings, trying to figure out a strategy on how to address it, long conversations with everyone involved. I deferred to an elder black woman who was there to run a discussion panel on race and is a board member of the NAACP. Her advice initially was that both she and the choreographer, a white man, should make a public speech about the intent of the piece, probably during awards. But then by Monday morning she had changed her mind and decided she didn’t want to “feed the bear” - that her take was it was art, it was about historical figures, and nobody should be offended by it. So we did not make a social media statement about it nor address it during the event. The video of the routine was taken down, and the team got last place (because that’s where the judges put them). There was literally nothing I could have done that would have pleased everyone, and so I deferred to this person who I respect a great deal who is also very respected within the community.

Once I got home, there was a FB thread from fans of this white teacher/choreographer stating their annoyance that the video was still down, with the actress chiming in as well. I reached out to her to ask if it was her wish that I re-post the video. Let me make it very clear that every decision I made all along was to protect HER - keeping it quiet, not making a big statement, taking down the video - because she was so mortified and so afraid of being held up as some kind of traitor, etc. The whole time she was in the meetings I was hugging her and comforting her and telling her it wasn’t her fault and she did nothing wrong and that she gave a great performance. She responded to the text that she would only want the video posted if she could be edited out. We tried this, but it was pretty much impossible, so left it down. That was the last contact we had.

A day later she posted a live video on FB and IG which I watched with utter disbelief. Somehow she managed to twist this whole story around to paint me as this cold, money-grubbing organizer who only ever gave a shit about my reputation and my bottom line, and I believe she even called me a racist at one point. Gone were the hours I spent comforting her and building her up and protecting her at my own reputational expense - now I’m just some heartless white bitch who was only concerned about myself the whole time. How I became a villain in this I have no idea - I can only speculate she’s trying to deflect responsibility for taking on that role on to me and the other guy (who certainly deserves more blame than I do!!). The way she made up things I said, and went into this ugly, mocking tone every time she quoted me, was really high school and gross. She was just painting me as the typical racist white lady - all sing-songy and “nice” but secretly a snake and a racist. Wtf. I was absolutely FURIOUS. 

One of the elements of this was the fact that both this lady and the other lady I deferred to were convinced only white people were offended (on behalf of black people), and they found that offensive. I knew it was a variety of people, based on what my safety manager told me. Much to my enjoyment, at the end of her video she invites a younger black woman on to the video with her who, despite declaring me and the event as a whole racist, also points out that black people were offended by the performance. You can see the surprise on the actress’ face when she says this. Within 24 hours the live video mysteriously disappeared from both FB and IG. I can only speculate that the videos didn’t get her the attention and praise she was seeking, or that the woman I deferred to all weekend told her to take them down. 

How much damage was done because of all this? It’s hard to say. If what the younger woman on the video says is true, there is damage to my reputation in the black community that I may never be able to repair. But I also know I have a lot of fans in that community who see all the work I’ve been doing and see this situation for what it is - the fault of the choreographer, not me. Now I have the unpleasant task of deciding if I should fire this particular teacher who I have a long time relationship with but who is also known to be kind of clueless and behind the times, and who has both devoted fans and people who hate his guts. One of my more prominent black teachers asked to speak with me next week and I’m wondering if the teachers of color are going to say they won’t work for me if he’s on the payroll. I would respect that, and it certainly would make my decision easier. But no matter what I do here, people are going to be mad. And I’m really pissed I was put in this position. 

I feel horribly betrayed by this woman I thought was a friend - we had lunch some time ago, so she’s not someone I didn’t know at all - and believe me, when you’ve spent your entire life being aware of racial issues and championing causes for oppressed people, to have your character publicly assassinated and be made to look like one of those nice-on-the-outside-fake-as-fuck white women who I also despise, is utterly infuriating, especially when you know she’s just throwing you under the bus to cover her own ass. You can only hope and pray that people who think critically will see through it, while also accepting that many people will not and will always just think of you as “that racist who profits off of a black dance”. Sigh. 

Anywayyyyy…I refuse to let this stupid incident stain the weekend for me - other than one other odd moment in which an old friend made these hideous AI posters for me that were supposed to be making fun of how bad AI is (huh?) and everyone got all angry at me for using AI art which I also absolutely hate, everything else was pretty much flawless. 

And at least in this moment I feel financially secure, although I’m preparing to lose more people next year as prices go up and economics continue to get worse. 

Now I’m just finishing up paying people, planning next year, and preparing to head out to the desert to see about getting that mural painted on our container. These are things I care about right now.