Like a rolling stone

You see this face? This is the face of a woman who is right in the middle of an angry text war with a man she was seeing who was scolding her like a child and accusing her of being insecure, who is made to stop and take pictures. You'd never know it, would you?

I hate, hate, hate that I came across as a needy psycho. But I did. If the situation were reversed and a man I was seeing but hadn't talked to in a couple of days sent me that text, I would have thought he was a psycho and called it off, too.

Saturday was pretty miserable. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut all day. But thanks to my sister and a couple of helpful friends who talked me down off the ledge, I survived. And realized it was for the best. By the next day I was laughing about it and even struggling to remember his name.

See? We Cancers love hard and completely and can be needy and clingy, but also are fickle as hell and will turn on you in an instant. Grown-Ass who...?

One interesting side note. I had my Smc meeting yesterday and of course told the ladies this story...one of them told me she was dating this guilt-ridden divorced dad with twin daughters who would make calls to them during their dates, talked non-stop about them, and even canceled a date once because a pet hamster died. Now this may sound charming to some, but...based on my own experience as the only daughter of a guilt-ridden, obsessed divorced dad, I see it a little differently. I believe there are men out there who take on this maudlin, over-romanticized view of their children (especially daughters), and use it as an excuse to avoid intimacy with grown women. My father was over-the-top in his melodramatic love for me...when it suited him. But then he never paid a dime in child support, would disappear for years on end and then pop up whenever he pleased, and would never give me a straight answer about anything. Can you see why a man ignoring my texts for days is kind of a huge trigger for me??? Anyway. I'm not saying at all that all divorced dads are like this; far from it. But I'm saying it's something to be on the lookout for. 

Isn't it great to be an Smc without all that divorce baggage? So far every man I've told my situation has been positively thrilled there's no other man they have to contend with. It's been a huge selling point.

So I met a new guy yesterday. He was very nice but not for me. He was little and nervous and totally lacking in self-confidence. I think he felt I was out of his league, and he was right. Next!!!

When I got home I started working the apps again. Got in a nice chat session with a really cool guy who I may meet tonight, or if not, Thursday. I googled him (once again, once you get a person's phone number you can find out just about anything) and he's pretty great - a leader in his field (3D animation), and well-liked by his peers (Facebook told me we have a mutual friend - I texted her and she said he was awesome), from the east coast (with cute Jersey accent to boot, according to various interviews of him on YouTube), divorced dad, and 41 (I feel like I'm robbing the cradle).

So, unlike GAM, this man may not have seen The Bitter Tears of Petra Van Kant. I guess I'll have to live with that.

He was very excited about meeting me, so we'll see. Either we'll meet and there will be fireworks or he will disappear into the ether like so many others. If so...I've got two other dates this week, so screw it.

I blew "it"

GAM did answer me. I got an answer to my "it was nice knowing you" text as I was driving to a birthday party today. 

He was FURIOUS.

He said, "you pull this crap on my daughter's frickin' birthday???"

I told him I hadn't heard from him for days, he left my last texts unanswered, what was I supposed to think?

He went on. Told me I was insecure and that's his one deal breaker, went on and on about how dare I mess with his time with his daughter like this, etc etc. All I could do was shame-facedly apologize and back pedal. I groveled. It was humiliating. 

But there was no point. He was done with me. I blew it. With one stupid text.

BUT. What, exactly, did I blow? Well, probably something that would have made me feel neglected and frustrated. All of our contact, except the first one, had been initiated by me. Every text, every call, both dates. All me. Which doesn't make you feel good even when the person seems to be on board with whatever you're offering. He told me that his ex- is trying to ramp up his custody so that he would have his daughter part of every weekend and several weeknights. For me, I can get a sitter any old time and pop out to see someone. A guilt-ridden divorced dad is not getting a sitter even if the child is asleep. So he'd be unavailable pretty much most of the time. I would be his lowest priority in life. Is that what I want? No it is not. 

Sure, I overreacted to not hearing from him in a couple of days. But keep in mind he never left me hanging like that, ever. He was always right on it when I texted him and we'd go on to have a nice long conversation, even with his daughter there. Not answering three texts and no contact for three days? I think that's cause for some concern, no? Especially when the plan is to come over and sleep with me! I guarantee he would not have contacted me today or tomorrow because of the daughter's birthday party. How would I have felt after almost a week of no contact? 

My sister pointed out that it was kind of alarming how angry he was, how rigid and unforgiving. It seems like every time I talked to him he was drinking and sad and frustrated about something, almost always having to do with the ex- and his daughter. I think his life is kind of messy. He's definitely an obsessive control freak like me. My sister pointed out two obsessive control freaks are not a good match. She's so right. 

So, I don't think this man would have brought me anything but misery. So often those matches that are all hot and heavy at first go down that road - this has pretty much always been the case for me. I definitely was drawn to him by a variety of factors - our shared history, shared cultural references, shared parenting experience, and his physical desire for me was awesome. But yeah, little red flags...the drinking, the obsessive working out (he does this culty group workout thing that kind of takes over your life), the messy marriage breakup, the disapproving parents...I was asking myself all day long why I sent that stupid text, but I think really I was like a captured animal chewing off her leg to free herself. I'm not an idiot. I knew if I sent that it would be the end, and it was. 

My evening so far has consisted of a man who chatted me up online and then abruptly stopped talking to me when I told him how young my kids are, and a guy who gave me his number earlier so we could chat tonight who has not answered my text. 

La lucha continua, huh?

The dark side

Sometimes dating is going on a second date with someone you really like, groping each other all night, and having them slide their hands up your skirt on the street and loving it.

Sometimes dating is waiting all night for someone, starving because you didn't have dinner, then going home and grimly eating ramen noodles at midnight because they never showed.

That was my night last night. So we've hit a new first and all-time low. I have now been stood up. 

This guy who I had not met before said he'd come meet me to hear this band. He lives pretty far and it was Friday during rush hour, so on our way we were texting to check progress. And then at some point he just stopped answering me, and then never showed up. I can only guess he got fed up with the traffic and turned around and went home. But to not just say, "not going to make it in time, how about another night?" How fucking hard is that? I texted him, "well, I've never been stood up before. That was awesome." And went home and went to bed. Thank God this was something I was going to go to anyway, and all my friends were there so I had company. Had I been sitting alone in a restaurant I think I would have lost my shit. The depths people sink to while dating never cease to amaze me. 

Speaking of which, since I was already feeling shitty, I texted GAM on the way home, "well, it was nice knowing you." It's twelve hours later and nothing. Can you believe this shit?

I figure I'll give it until tonight and then one final text to tell him how disappointed I am and how I expected better than this. I believe it's important to call people on this kind of bullshit, because it is not acceptable. You don't get to feverishly make out with someone, make all kinds of plans, talk for hours on the phone, and then disappear without so much as a "this is too much for me right now" or "I'm sorry but I'm just not feeling it". The one time I got to tell this guy some years ago as he dumped me that I felt like he was emotionally unavailable, had wasted my time and toyed with me, and that he made me feel shitty and unloved, made me feel great. 

I won't be ignored, Dan!

Not answering someone before you've even met, or after one or two dates in which there's been little or no physical contact I believe is ok. In those cases I'd rather be left wondering than told "I decided I just don't find you that attractive." But once there's been full make out sessions and plans made and discussions about being in a relationship - yeah, you need to talk to the person if you're about to bow out. That's just common courtesy.

So, yeah. Definitely not a good couple of days for me. I meet a new guy tomorrow, then a second date on Tuesday, maybe another new guy later in the week. But that's it. No other prospects. Not sure if this dating thing has become played out. We'll see. Pretty deflated at the moment, though.

Work it, girl

So not a word from Grown Ass Man. Perhaps he is not as Grown Ass as I thought. What is that lovely melody I hear? Is it...is it The Song of the Penis??? The sound of yet another man's member retreating into his body in the face of my ever-intimidating fabulousness? Yes, I believe it is. Let's all dance to that little tune, shall we, ladies?

Honestly I would be pretty hurt and miserable right now if not for the fact that a) my babysitter's comment "just make sure he has a real job" kind of dumped cold water on the sex fog I was under, and b) I have a date for tonight, and Sunday, and Tuesday. OH.SNAP.

Been working that smart phone. Tonight's date is with a POF guy I've been courting from the beginning who is afraid of having another horrible first date with someone who completely lied and misrepresented themselves. Finally got him to meet me to hear some music tonight, the date GAM was supposed to come to. This guy is super cute and a man's man, so different. I hope we at least have a pleasant evening together. Considering I am neither morbidly obese nor 10 years older than my pictures, he should at least not be disappointed.

Sunday I meet a new guy, "cool dad" type. He seems very nice.

Tuesday is date #2 with the guy I met for coffee who I thought didn't like me. He's really cute, too. Wouldn't object to his hands on my ass. Not one bit.

What do I do if GAM does contact me? Not sure. I think a lot depends on how, when, and how these other dates go. Part of me wants to ignore him, part of me wants to tell him he blew it by neglecting me, part of me wants to just keep it going because who cares? when I have other options. We'll see.

Can I just say how glad I am right now that I didn't jump to putting all my eggs in his undeserving basket? That would have sucked. 

New York re-cap

So I just returned from my first gig sans children. I felt so "light" - no strollers, no babies in carriers, no diaper bag. I'm trying not to think about how great it was because it'll just make me sad! Someday I will be free of diaper bags and strollers and heavy lurching babies in carriers forever. But not yet.

The gig itself was a bit of a mixed bag - it was outdoors and it rained and thunder stormed off and on all day, causing them to hold us off from even entering the backstage area until an hour after we were supposed to start, which was a problem for me because I had much assemblage of hair/makeup/elaborate dress to do. So instead of waiting around in the rain in curlers and no makeup I walked back to the hotel and waited there. Here is a shot I snapped once I had myself put together:

My hair was not loving the intense humidity and heat.

We finally did get to play, but only for an hour, and largely to an empty floor as the staff tried to mop all the rainwater off of it so people could dance. In the end it all worked out and everyone had a good time, but it did not exactly go smoothly. 

Unfortunately there was no time to enjoy the city at all. I did get to have lunch with my sister, but didn't connect with friends and even the band just went for a quick bite after the show and then collapsed at the hotel. I was hoping to make it downtown for some late night shenanigans, but it was not to be.

Now to the important stuff. Grown Ass Man and I texted and talked on the phone much of the weekend. It was great. We started using the term "us" and then laughing about how gross it was; we quoted Smiths lyrics back and forth; we looked forward with glee to our first night together, whenever that may be.

But now I am having second thoughts about him. It may all be nothing, but...something doesn't feel right. Or rather, something feels a little too eerily familiar. It all started innocently enough when my babysitter, on the drive home from the airport, off handedly said, "well, just make sure he has a real job." 

I don't know why, but this sentence kind of made my blood run cold. I don't really know what this guy does - he said he works for a YouTube startup - because he never talks about it (and most men that's all they talk about); but more importantly, never seems to actually be working. He mentioned how his parents disapprove of him - and honestly, as a first generation Korean I can imagine the bar is pretty high; anything less than doctor or lawyer and you're a loser. So I take that with a grain of salt. But there are other things - this bizarre story of how his wife left him: according to him, in which he came home one day and his wife asked him to move out, and then her brother who had been lurking in the bedroom came out and showed him a picture of his daughter on his phone and said, "see, she's happy. Maybe in a few weeks you can write her." So basically the daughter had been removed and was being held somewhere. So...either all of these people are crazy, or something happened there. I would kill to hear the wife's side of the story, believe me. Now, I don't think there was any abuse or violence or anything like that mostly because the wife is allegedly right now trying to get GAM to pick up and move closer to her so they can now share custody 50/50 instead of the current arrangement of just every other weekend. So if she was scared of him or felt he was a danger to her child I doubt she'd be doing that. But all of this is pretty out there.

It's reminding me a little too much of my last boyfriend, the sociopath who came on all hot and heavy like this guy, who also had no discernible job, and who also had lots of bizarre stories of people doing horrible things to him that he didn't deserve. It's a little creepy.

Anyway, the sad reality is I wouldn't be saying any of this if he were being attentive. I texted him when I got back and he said he couldn't see me Friday as we planned because he's picking up his daughter. We kind of made plans to get together Monday instead...but not really, and he hasn't answered any of my texts since, which he never did before. So I think something's up. I am going to leave him alone and see what he does. If I never hear from him again then we know what's up.

How, exactly, does a person grab your ass on the street, talk to you for hours on the phone, make all kinds of plans, and then disappear? Oh, very easily. Very easily indeed.

But thanks to the miracle of Internet dating, I now have another date with someone else on Sunday and another one pending.

In your FACE.

Happy Donor Appreciation Day!

Today for Donor Appreciation Day the boys and I went to Griffith Park for a kid's train ride, but it turned out the baby couldn't go and I had no one (read: no dad) to leave him with (oh, the irony) so we had to abruptly change plans. Luckily the other train ride, the place where I have the boys' birthday parties, was open, and I could take both kids on that one. So we spent a pleasant afternoon there and then drove to In N Out where Bobby regaled me with his version of David Bowie's Boys Keep Swinging which seemed quite fitting.

Life is a pop of the cherry...when you're a boy

Speaking of which, Grown Ass Man and I have been exchanging lascivious texts after the respective children go to bed. I am attempting to get him over to the house next weekend for various adult activities, but it's his daughter's birthday so it may not happen. I feel like we're teenagers trying to find places to furtively grope each other. How, exactly, does one do this with children in the house??? 

I can't go to his place unless I want to spend a small fortune on babysitters, and having him here runs the risk of one or both waking up. And there's never a time when I don't have at least one of the kids, with my weekday babysitter now out of commission for several months. To say it's complicated is an understatement. I guess married people manage to get it on with a variety of willing relatives as babysitters and door locks. I at least have the door locks.

But there are other things at play, too. I mean, we're online daters. At what point do we have the talk about not seeing other people? At what point do we take our profiles down and trust that the other person is being honorable about it? 

At what point can you feel safe that this person isn't going to dump you? The sad answer to that is...never. I've always said a person can decide after one date or thirty years of marriage that they're just not that into you. And there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. This guy's wife left him for another man, and then that relationship fizzled after just three months. Which furthers my opinion that relationships suck. Well, a lot of the time. We all hope we'll be that one who lucks out and finds a good person and you'll just be happy forever and it will all work out. But very few people actually get that. What makes me think I will?

I haven't decided if keeping these two other guys on the side for now is smart or shitty. There's no guarantee that I will see either of them (one for the first time, one for a second time) once I get back from my trip next week; part of me wants to message them both and tell them they're great but I'm kind of seeing someone, but then another part of me is like, I don't see no rings on these fingers. He hasn't asked me to be exclusive and we've only been on two dates and shit, I barely know this person. And yet I'm trying to figure out how to sleep with this person I barely know which I guess raises a lot of questions right there.

Anyway, Grown Ass Man's 48th birthday is tomorrow which means he will be even more grown-ass. And I'll be on a plane to NY to sing at Lincoln Center. Honestly I'm so wrapped up in my head about this stuff that the timing couldn't be better for a little palate-cleansing trip!

Grown-ass Man, part II

So last night I met for coffee with this random guy who was cute and very nice and funny but gave me the standard, "bye, it was nice to meet you," hug at the end of the night, also known as, "this will never happen." And I didn't care, because I knew I was seeing Grown-ass Man again for date #2 tonight.

We met for a very late dinner at an all-night Chinese dive and then went to the aging hipster bar where I had met Craig's List Guy two months before. And we just talked about our attraction for each other and groped each other all night. At one point my bass player walked in as this guy had his hand up my dress. Hi.

Then he walked me to my car and we made out like bandits and he pulled my skirt up and grabbed my ass right there on the deserted Chinatown street and I fucking loved it. 

Now it's 2AM and I'm going to take a cold shower and go to bed. Hello, sexuality, nice to have you back in town again.