Reconciling

Over the last few days, I have decided to reconcile myself to two things. 

One is that despite being healthy and just about a month shy of my due date, that I should expect to have the medical world more, not less, up in my business now. I don't know why I thought that I would just sail through at this point - this is (often) where things "start happening", so I need to be prepared that at each of my appointments from now on they're going to want to test things, check things, prescribe things, etc. It's annoying but I can handle it if I go in expecting it. 

The other thing I am bracing for is B's possible negative reaction to the baby, either now or in the future. Just like I handle his hitting/kicking a lot better when I remind myself that he's doing it thinking we're playing, I have to remember if he acts out after the baby comes that a) it's normal and b) it will pass, also deserves understanding, not punishment. I'm not sure how that will play out exactly - but again I think it's important to be realistic and ready to handle anything that may come up.

Tonight I finally got off my butt and put together my hospital bag and put out a spare key and keys to the car. In my hospital bag I put:

Dark sweatpants

Dark underwear

Pumping bra

Nursing bras

Nipple shields

Silicone nipple protectors

Phone charger

Basic toiletries

Baby clothes - caps, socks, onesies, pants

I also updated my emergency pick up list at the Baby Kennel. When I went to L&D last weekend I realized with horror that all of the people on the list were out of town, so if I was kept overnight I'd be completely screwed as far as someone being authorized to pick him up for me. So I took off my ex-friend (!), and added my baby sitter and various people I know who have offered to help and happen to have car seats. 

I also had my final visit with the doula today. It's too weird to think that the next time I see her I will most likely be in labor. The visit consisted almost entirely of watching birth videos - which normally would make me sick to my stomach, but I think I've gotten over a lot of that now, and I promised myself to have an open mind. They were actually pretty interesting - especially the one of a family having an unassisted home birth of twins(!). Have you ever seen a second twin's foot sticking out of his mother's hoo-hah? Well, now I have!

I did my maternity shoot this Saturday. B was super cranky and clingy and was not  having it. Thankfully this photographer has three small children and so completely got it - and we got some really lovely shots, which I'll download tomorrow. Here is a preview:

Insurance battles

I've spent a significant amount of time on the phone this week trying to sort out the mess that has become B's health care. Fortunately mine is a-ok...but B's...not so much.

It's been such a long and winding road, with literally hours spent (driving of course) talking to countless agencies, getting a different story from everyone. Even the awesome broker who was so helpful in getting me my policy can do nothing when it comes to MediCal. His only advice was to try to make an appointment to see someone in person. 

So I called back and did make an appointment for next Thursday. But as I had feared, all of this stems from that cryptic letter I got last December about B's health care now including a $2800 "share of costs" - yes, I am now required to come up with $2800 every month before the government will kick in anything towards B's coverage. And this is supposed to be healthcare for low income people? Huh?

So basically I have to go to the office next week and battle my case - say my income has dropped significantly (it has), and hope they take my word for it (I will draw up a new profit & loss statement and bring my last few bank statements, which show almost no income at all). 

My only other alternative is accepting this huge share of costs, which is like having a $36,000 yearly deductible, or paying out of pocket for really lousy policies for both B & T which would run me about $400 a month and hardly cover anything, with huge deductibles, co-pays, etc - basically leaving me extremely vulnerable in case of either of them having an emergency or illness (and what are the odds of two little boys having an illness or accident? Pretty damned good!). 

So, my plea to MediCal simply has to work. It just has to. I mean, for Christ's sake, if that program isn't for broke single mothers of two or more kids then who the hell is it for??

35 weeks

Well, I think we survived the "spotting scare". Nothing at all today, and I had my midwife appointment in which she reiterated that in subsequent pregnancies it's not unusual for the cervix to get "irritated". So even my body parts are all snippy now? I thought it was just me.

Anyway, a couple of interesting things happened at this appointment. One was the midwife says it's normal protocol to take the (miserable) 3 hour gestational diabetes test again at this point, which I have never heard of. I said, "No way. There's no way in hell I'm doing that." Then she said she had to tell me that I should start pricking my finger four times a day from now on. It was all I could do to not give her the finger. (I mentioned being snippy, right?). Luckily she changed the subject at this point. She measured my belly and said I was measuring big - 37 weeks and not 35. Apparently this means nothing, but I am concerned. Does this mean I have a giant baby? Does it mean I'm going to go early? Something tells me I have some googling cut out for me tonight! She said she only gets concerned when babies measure small, that I shouldn't worry. Let's hope I'm not looking at a nine pounder!

Kaiser also has a new system in which they do your admittance paperwork early. So I did that, also paid a $500 down payment (gulp). I guess that will save me the annoyance of a call while I'm in labor asking me for my credit card number. 

I thought I'd go every week after my 37 week appointment - but apparently it's every week from now on. I am not thrilled by this, but hey - this time last time I was there twice a week for NSTs and my regular appointments, so I really can't complain. I have to say I'm going to be thrilled when all this medical shit is behind me, though. I'm just getting a little sick of it. I just want the baby here, healthy, and for us all to get on with our lives.

Sunrise, sunset

Yet another of our older dance community died today. A very special 90-year-old lady died in Jan, and now a guy who was just in his 60s but caught some sort of respiratory infection died today. This guy also worked for me as my tabulator for years - tabulator being the person who calculates your judges' scores when you run dance contests to get the results. I'm trying not to worry about who to get to replace him - it's not going to be easy - but it's a bit early to start thinking of that. We're all in shock in the dance community because he was such a healthy, athletic guy. 

I have to admit one thing, though - I find it a lot easier to cope with death now that I have children. It's not that it doesn't still sting - Lord knows I mourned my dog for quite a while - but it just feels different. I guess it's that old basic sense of mortality; of course it's going to bite a bit harder when you feel your own time running out. With kids the edge gets taken off a little because they carry on the living for you when your time is up. Which for me is one of the major reasons to have kids, as it has been since the dawn of time.

I still had some spotting this morning, which didn't thrill me, but didn't completely freak me out, either. It's hard not to think back on my chemical pregnancy experience in which I bled one day all of a sudden, then nothing for two days, then it started up again, then I went to get checked out and they said my cervix was closed and they saw no active bleeding...only to completely miscarry over the next few days. But I do recognize this is an entirely different situation; there's a real live baby this time who even now could live very happily on the outside, and a few pinhead-sized blood spots (all I've had the past couple of days) does not a tragedy make. Again I have my midwife appointment Thursday so I'll tell her what's been going on and see if she has any opinions/advice. 

One positive thing came out of my trip to L&D this weekend. I always wondered what it would be like to be back in that place - the hospital smells and the whole feeling of it, that place where the most traumatic event of my life occurred. And you know what? It was really ok. It actually felt sort of sunny and positive. It's the place my next and last baby will be born. It's a happy place! When I was there I was just wishing I could zoom forward a few weeks and be there for real - Bumpus safe and cared for at home, a bag by my side, my doula there looking out for me, about to meet baby Theo. I may not get to have that exact experience - for all I know tonight I'll be rushed to an emergency room - but I'm just going to hold the good thought that I will actually make it to March and everything will just be ok. From before I even got pregnant I told myself I had a feeling this was all just going to work out, and I'm going to stick with that.

Feels like the first tri

Anxiety? Check. Fear of my health and the baby's health? Check. Sleeplessness? Check. Obsessive wiping? Check. You would think all of these things would be confined to the first few weeks of pregnancy. Unfortunately I have experienced all of this in the last two days, just shy of 35 weeks.

Got through the night with nothing horrendous happening, only to wake up to more spotting much of the early part of the day. I say "wake up" but I'm not really sure I ever slept. So I felt like crap all day - exhausted, legs like lead, slightly nauseated; symptoms of something happening or just a result of being almost nine months pregnant and being full of anxiety? Who knows?

It didn't help that we had no plans so I just drove around aimlessly hoping B would nap (he didn't), then decided to spend the afternoon in bed. Of course obsessively getting up to pee and wipe - sometimes finding blood, sometimes not. Every minute debating on whether I should just get my butt back to L&D since nothing seemed to have changed. I called the doula. Of course nobody can tell you what to do in a case like this - the only proper answer is always, "well, go get checked out if you want peace of mind." She did say that this is fairly common and she's never had a case of spotting at this point meaning anything - especially with no dilation, no placenta issues, etc. 

But really the only thing that's made me feel better is the fact that there's been no more new blood in several hours. That's all I want. I just want it to stop so I can get back to my life, get back to work, and get back to believing I'm having a normal, healthy pregnancy. I just want it to go away and not come back.

At one point during my lengthy afternoon lie down, B climbed up next to me and, you guessed it, slapped me so hard on the face that I saw stars. It fucking hurt. I said no hitting, don't do that, it hurts, etc etc. And he just laughed and tried to hit me again. And you know what I did? I burst into tears. Just the shock of being hit so hard like that after all this pent up fear and anxiety and I just couldn't handle it. I've heard sometimes crying and making a big deal out of being hurt can actually be the right thing to do with kids this age since otherwise they don't get it. He did start crying, too, and followed me into the bathroom where I of course went to wipe. I can't say he got it that he hurt me...but I'm not sorry I cried. All of this is just a little too much. 

So, I have now had I believe three major sobbing meltdowns during this pregnancy - the Pink Floyd-fueled car sob when I was so afraid of giving birth again; the recent please don't let me hit this child breakdown, and now this one. Well, I give myself permission. Pregnant women cry about all sorts of things. I think crying over a very real fear that something is going wrong with your late term pregnancy is just as valid as crying because your husband made you "ugly" tuna fish sandwiches, no?

Our trip to L&D

Had a real fright today when I went to drop B at the Baby Kennel, decided to use the bathroom before I left to see a movie and then go to a Superbowl party...and found a quarter-sized blotch of red blood in my underwear. I called the advice nurse and of course they told me to go to Labor & Delivery. So I did. 

They hooked me up to a monitor, then after twenty minutes of making sure the baby was ok, did an ultrasound to rule out placental abruption, and then an internal exam to check my cervix, which was closed and not actively bleeding. Urine sample was fine, blood pressure fine, although my pulse was high for obvious reasons-!

So, what was it? We don't really know. My cervix looked red and irritated apparently; they asked when the last time was that I had sex, and I laughed heartily and said it had been several years. And trust me - nothing else has been up there, either! So it could have been a burst blood vessel, just from the pressure and my general lack of rest looking after a toddler (although I've instituted Lay Down Afternoons the last few days in which I lie in bed and Bumpus plays around me in the hours between lunch and dinner, which have been lovely). I was told to come back if I have real contractions or continuous bleeding; I could always come back every time I spot like this, but that could make for a lot of visits. I have had little pin spots of blood the rest of the night. 

So I am on pins and needles. So afraid of waking up in the middle of the night with some kind of problem - that's kind of my worst nightmare. At least today it couldn't have been better timing with B just dropped off at the care place for several hours; although of course in the drive over to the hospital I imagined all kinds of scenarios - one of which of course being that today is Theo's birthday; the least of which being what ended up happening, which is that this was all a big nothing. 

It did make me realize how unprepared I am - I need to get a bag packed, put out spare keys, and have several people on notice from now on, since for the first time I have a real reason to believe I may not make it to my due date. Or not - who the hell knows? I definitely didn't feel comfortable today - rock hard belly and non-stop Braxton Hicks; still going on, actually. Going to bed now in hopes of getting some much needed rest. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that this baby cooks a little longer! We're not ready to meet him yet!

Opening Night

...went well. I sold out my first pricing tier. When I looked at my PayPal balance, it didn't seem like a whole lot of money - but in checking last year's bank statement for February, it looks like I deposited the exact same amount on Feb 1. So I officially have enough money now to make it just past March 1st. If the money keeps coming in this month as it did last year, I should just scrape by until summer. If not - well, we'll just have to figure something out, won't we!

The most important thing is everything worked. After enduring years of weird glitches, having to rely on other people who don't do things on time, server crashes, coding issues, etc, it is such a frigging relief to hit the "save and close" button on my website and then just sit with my heart pounding, watching the notification emails pile in. It's quite an exciting night.

This also means my event is officially "on", which means I now have to answer my phone, respond to emails right away, spend a lot more time on my computer...aka, work. Right now when work is the last thing on my mind, and will be for several months. Oh well, that's why I plan things this way - opening night and tax work before the baby; event when the baby is six months old and in a good place (hopefully). 

I couldn't help but experience a little  schadenfreude watching the drama unfolding around one of my rival event's opening night on Facebook last night; first they accidentally opened an hour early and had to shut down out of fairness; then when they opened at the right time the server crashed and everyone freaked out; then people couldn't find the link and registered for another similar-titled event by mistake; then were overcharged $10 and all had to be issued refunds. What a nightmare! Been there, done that!

So, now to pay all of my lingering January bills and exhale a little.