Reality check

Had a minor freak out today. All this "freedom" is just not working for me. And I know I have no choice in the matter, which is maddening. I just can't get anything done, spend the entire day cleaning up the havoc Bumpus causes all around the house, and am constantly on edge that he will hurt himself or worse with all this climbing and shenanigans. 

He only got out of bed once tonight. I have no idea if he's learning or if he just wasn't in the mood to try again tonight. I am very worried for the next time I have a sitter...! Thankfully this isn't until the 17th, so maybe I'll have a sense of how frequent these escapist moments are going to be. 

I drove up to ikea to look at toddler beds today...but fell short of buying one. I'm not convinced he's old enough for that...but it's got to be safer than his catapulting himself over the top of the pack 'n play all the time. Some Facebook friends recommended a "crib tent", but when I googled to find one all I got were reports of how they've all been recalled for strangulation hazards, and they're really expensive, and it's a moot point if it really is time to move him up to a bed. 

So after an exhausting day of moving crap out of reach and closing doors and chasing him around and cleaning tons of crap off the floor, I was at my wit's end, and nearly in tears, and was thinking how much easier things would be if there were a man around here - he could baby proof the place, install all the doors I need, and build the wall. A friend called and I said this to her, and she just laughed. Having a grown son herself, she said if I were married all that would happen is the husband would never get around to doing these things, wouldn't allow me to hire anyone to do it (because he's going to do it when he gets around to it), I would be stuck alone with a rampaging toddler all day being tortured, and then he'd expect a clean house, dinner on the table, and me looking put together when he gets home. I had to laugh out loud when I heard this, knowing it's true of practically every marriage I've ever been witness to. We Single Mothers By Choice types do tend to romanticize the advantages of having a partner - forgetting that mostly they're just another pain in your ass. Would a husband have been ok with me watching documentaries all afternoon while Bumpus tore the mail into little pieces? Yeah, no.

So thanks for the reality check! The fact is soon enough this house will be settled, B will be in his own room in a big boy bed where I don't have to worry about him getting hurt, and I will no longer have to be concerned about hazards. We'll figure it out. And in the meantime I don't have to worry about having dinner on the table for anyone but us. My sister once overheard a woman in the Bronx saying to her friend, "the only men I want in my house are my son and the baby Jesus." Amen, sister! Snap-snap.

Testing the boundaries

We're on Day 2 of Operation Free Bumpus. Once again taking him up to the playroom in the morning in the hopes of getting more sleep was utterly futile. He wasn't shoving felt fruits and vegetables into my mouth but he was far more interested in climbing all over my recumbent body than playing with his oceans of toys. Boy am I glad he'll have an age-appropriate playmate soon!

Today was more securing the perimeter - more moving things out of reach, strategic closing of doors, and taping of lamp cords to walls. There is a lot left to do. Luckily Bumpus does listen to "no" - when he grabs for something I don't want him to touch and say no or "Bumpus!", he actually gets it (for now anyway!). He looks to me before touching a new thing to see if it's ok. It's clear he's figuring out the boundaries of his new environment, one that he's seen all his life but now is suddenly within reach. And it's scary for both of us.

This morning started with B bounding over the top of his pack 'n play and tipping over a very heavy room divider, taking out a TV and everything else on my dresser. If that had fallen on him it easily could have broken his neck. Good morning! His room can't be ready fast enough.

Tonight was a first in that I put him to bed...then an hour later I heard a crash and he came running into the kitchen. I freaked out and laid him back down...only to have him do it again. And again. And again. The final time I caught him about to open the door and his little face filled with fear as I snapped at him "don't you DARE get out of that bed one more time!!!". I laid him back down and put his blankie over him and rubbed his belly, telling him I know it's hard but he really has to go to sleep now and I know he can do it. It'll be interesting to see if he keeps doing this - he might, or tonight might just have been a trial night. I can really tell he's just testing all this stuff out to see what's ok and what isn't. That's why it's SO important that I set those boundaries - firmly - now. I see what happens to those kids whose parents didn't!

I feel like overnight I've graduated into real parenting, as opposed to whatever bullshit I was doing before, basically just keeping Bumpus alive while I went about my business. This here is the real deal - discipline, constant watching, constant interacting and entertaining. Am I up for the challenge? I *think* so.

In other news, a nice man from The Geek Squad came by today and fixed my Internet issues and set up my new (ten month old) computer for $99; I also requested to be contacted on the Obamacare website in the hopes that maybe there is a policy out there that will allow me to have this baby without going bankrupt. It doesn't hurt to ask, right?

Strategizing

Woke up today full of energy and ready to tackle all my new challenges. Why? It might have something to do with yet another attempt at ceasing my B6 + Unisom regimen. I do tend to feel a bit less cloudy in the morning when I haven't taken the Unisom. But also, I'll be damned if I'm going to let this sudden change in our home life and routines lick me. I can beat this thing, dammit!

Spent many hours strategizing how to set up the house in "zones" to be safe for B. I don't think I can leave him entirely unsupervised anywhere - but I can certainly make everywhere as safe as possible and make sure he and I are always in the same "zone" (until his room is ready; he can be in there alone ). So I am going to do a lot of cabinet securing, door adding, hook-and-eye lock placing, and doorknob protecting. Until he has his own secure room, I may just have to shower at night. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but there is nowhere I can leave him alone for 5-10 minutes while I can't see or hear anything. Again, this is just temporary. Once his room is set up (by the end of the month, I hope!) then I'll have a lot more freedom. And after he goes to bed at night I can do things like run out the garbage and have fires in the fireplace and do concentrated computer projects. 

This morning I thought I could grab a few extra winks by taking him up to the playroom. I did get to lie down, but sleep...not so much. He was too busy sitting on my head and trying to shove a felt banana into my mouth to let me sleep. Still this is a nice mellow place to start the day, so maybe we'll continue to hang out up there in the mornings, although it does suck to have no access to a toilet or food. 

As much as I dreaded these changes, I'm ok with it - change must happen, and B must move on to the next phase. He has to be allowed to grow up, and his own room and freedom to move about the house freely is part of this. Now excuse me while I go pick up the cribbage game he just spilled all over the floor. 

Oh great

Yeah, so the moment I've dreaded since last year has at last arrived. Bumpus has figured out how to climb out of his playpen. I realize for many the playpen has never been an option, and I was super lucky to have it as a baby containing device for as long as I did. It allowed me to sleep, shower, dress, clean, work...well, do just about everything. And in the blink of an eye it's over. And my whole world has been turned upside down. 

I knew I was in trouble a few days ago when he climbed out of his pack and play into bed with me...I knew it was only a matter of time before he'd figure out how to swing his leg over the top of the playpen, too. This morning I was cleaning the kitchen while he was in the playpen in the living room...and then he ran into the kitchen. Uh oh. 

The rest of the day was a blur of chasing him around the house and cleaning the havoc he left behind - piles of books, overturned garbage cans, baskets of stamps and checkbooks strewn about. And I had to cook dinner, put on an elaborate 40s getup with makeup and hair, and prepare to go sing tonight. Oh, it was a nightmare. With nowhere for him to be contained it was impossible to do anything. Welcome to my world, you're all saying. I know! How the hell do you function?

I did manage to do all of this, get him fed and teeth brushed and changed and in bed, AND the tornado-hit house cleaned up in time for my very late and sick babysitter, so I could race over to my gig within seconds of it starting. 

The whole time I was plotting how to manage from now on - I have to get those toxic cleaners locked away, get a lock on the fridge and toilet, and probably start taking showers and cleaning the kitchen after he's asleep at night. Oh, and to add insult to injury, he is no longer napping in the afternoon, so I now have NO break at all during the day to get anything done. Thank God this unwelcome development didn't happen right before my event-! Can you imagine?

So I was able to put one of my old doggie/toddler gates on the kitchen so at least he can't get in or out of there; and he can't turn knobs yet so I can at least close a couple of doors to restrict his movements. I have an octagonal gate type thing that I could try, but I'm pretty sure he could scale that with zero effort at this point. Boy do I wish his room were finished! That may be my salvation, to just make that room fun and comfortable and restricted so I can shower and cook and do things where I can't keep an eye on him. It can't be finished fast enough. 

But my life is going to change dramatically now, and not for the better. My sleep is going to suffer as I can no longer safely nap during the day. It will be very hard to even sit down and relax during the day at all.  Cooking and cleaning and showering are going to be rough. Basically, everything is going to suck. As if things didn't suck enough lately already.

Tonight after my gig I went up to the playroom and took the knob off the little door leading to the unfinished portion of the attic (which would mean pretty much instant death if he got in there), taped up the boxes stored up there so they can't be opened, and put sheets on the little daybed so when he drags me out of bed in five hours I can take him up there and at least lie down and rest if not sleep. And I guess plan to spend as much time up there or out of the house as I can until his room is done. 

Here is a picture of how I'm managing stress these days:

Insurance!!!

So, I thought 2014 was going to be the year everything would change for the better for me. My event would finally consistently kick ass because of the move to Labor Day weekend, and Obamacare would kick in saving me thousands in health care costs.

Oh my God, no. Couldn't be further from the truth. I got a big package from Kaiser yesterday explaining all the changes to my plan starting next year. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw my monthly premium is only going up $7 - but the rest of the costs-! My yearly out of pocket maximum jumped from $3500 to $6250. All of my co-pays for doctor visits, prescriptions, emergency room visits, etc, about doubled. And the scariest, most nebulous one that affects me directly is instead of a blanket $500/day hospital stay, it's now 30% of total costs. And those total costs could be in the hundreds of thousands if this birth gets really complicated. What I don't understand is, is my out of pocket maximum REALLY all I would have to pay in any given year, or is it that PLUS 30% of costs for a hospital delivery? Which could be $10,000, $30,000, more? Anyone know the answer to this?

Since I got stuck paying what was then my out of pocket maximum for both B & I when he was born, his birth ran me $7000, which was shockingly high when I expected to pay my deductible of $1500 and no more. However it looks like any baby born in 2014, with a similar birth scenario, will cost me $13,000. Now I ask you - how the hell am I going to be able to afford this when I have no money to live on as it is???

I nearly burst into tears this morning just thinking about it. How could I have been so horribly wrong about everything - what my health care costs would be for this baby, how much money I'd make off of my event. I thought I'd try to call Healthy Families, the low-cost health care B has (and thank God for that!!) to see about enrolling the new baby, and mainly, if the coverage would take care of any nicu charges, since technically the baby is supposed to be covered once enrolled. At first the guy on the phone said yes, but when I pointed out that their website said  the baby isn't covered until two weeks after birth, he said no, I was right, no birth charges are covered. Great. Once again confirmation that people on phone lines are a wealth of misinformation. Well, at least a) Healthy Families still exists enough to allow new members, and b) hopefully this time I'll have the new baby enrolled early enough that I won't be stuck paying almost $2000 in full price premiums while my paperwork is shuffled around for six months. 

I'm really glad I went and got knocked up before I knew how destitute I'd be or how bad this health insurance stuff was going to get. Honestly if I'd had any idea I might have just passed and decided to stick with one. One of my Facebook commenters said today she and her husband were delaying having a child because under the new rules they can't afford it. I think it's a sad day in America when people don't have children because they can't afford the cost of bringing the child into the world or covering their health care. What the hell is going on???

Pumpkin pickin'

The day did not start or end particularly well, but the middle part was fun. I have had little to no Internet service for about a week now - thank God for cell phones and 4G otherwise I'd be completely crippled. I've struggled with trying to find the source of the problem - I'm on my third wireless router in as many months; but even when I plug the computer directly into the modem the computer says it's connected to the Internet, but I can't get email or go to web sites. And so my Roku doesn't work, my printer doesn't work, and much worse, my burglar alarm doesn't work and occasionally beeps out a series of "trouble" signals. Which it did at 3:30 this morning, waking me from a sound sleep. So when I got up I decided to call my Internet service provider to see if maybe the modem was old and not working properly - and I was on the phone with them for ALMOST TWO HOURS while we went over and over turning it off and on, turning the computer off and on, etc etc etc. Finally I said I had to go and hung up. They seemed more interested in trying to get me to agree to a $40 upgrade to faster service than fixing my problem. I then called the Geek Squad, figuring they could at least get a handle on this problem, AND I could get them to set up my new computer which has been sitting in the box for nearly a year, which also may solve the problem. The only thing is - the earliest appointment isn't until Monday. And I have a sitter the next three nights. What if the burglar alarm randomly starts beeping while she's here? I don't particularly want to give her the code so she can turn it off. So I may try to set up the new computer tonight myself. Ugh! I hate technology!!!

So, utterly fed up and pissed off, I decided to take Bumpus to a pumpkin patch I've been wanting to check out. It was really cool and enjoyable. When we got home he was super cranky and whiny and I was just counting the seconds until bed time. I think he was just worn out. But we sure had fun at the farm. Here are some pics:

Becoming a little guy

Let the injuries commence. L'il Bumpus tripped on a dirt path today (well, more like a dust and sand path, in Southern California) and tore up a forearm AND bit through his lower lip, producing a little trickle of blood. He was over it almost immediately, but I couldn't help but think - this is the beginning of a lifetime of little scuffs and dust-ups! 

I love it when he climbs up on something - a bench, the couch, to sit next to me like a big boy. He looks so pleased with himself and kind of bounces around. He doesn't like to stay long, but really enjoys the few seconds he's there.

The other day we were up in the playroom and I was reading on the bed as I often do and before I knew it B had climbed up next to me with his decimated Goodnight Moon board book and plunked down, intent on reading, too. It was so frigging cute, I hope he saw the delight in my face and keeps doing it. And I hope to keep up my promise to myself to institute a reading time for us.

I have been in the habit of handing him either a hand mirror or hairbrush from my 1930's vanity set while changing his diaper so he's entertained and doesn't try to crawl away; he's so used to it now that the second I lay him down he sticks his hands out, just waiting for his "toy". 

Every morning B is a huge ball of energy - when I try to pick him up out of the pack 'n play, he drops to the bottom and pretends to still be asleep, laughing hysterically. Lord I don't know how I'm going to be able to pick him up when even tying my shoes becomes challenging-!

I am hoping to go apple picking sometime soon - there are a few farms about 1 1/2 hours east; we did things like this when I was little and I'm eager to get started for B. Can't wait for the photo ops. 

In other news - B's Halloween costume arrived yesterday. I'm giddy with anticipation.