Fear, guilt and loathing at the finish line

Can't help but admit I was genuinely scared last night. After a nice night at a friend's house I came home and just felt "spooked"- I was afraid to go to bed and found myself futzing around straightening up and checking to see what was on TV even though it was after midnight. At that point I realized that I was just plain worried.

What if I just made the worst decision of my life yesterday to not induce and now the baby is (or will be) in trouble? What if he was right? A quick google of c-section rates after induction helped calm me a bit - of course I was right, and he was dead wrong, about the risk of c-section after induction being very high, especially at my stage - and I do have to remember that if I do have a true pre-e emergency situation I'll know it - I'll swell up dramatically, I won't feel well, I'll see flashes, etc. In other words I won't just be sitting here as I am now feeling fine and yet be in the middle of a life threatening situation. Fortunately this isn't one of those "you could be in danger and not even know it" situations. Still, I wasn't worried before, and now I'm worried.

I am in terror of my next NST on Tuesday. Are they going to do this to me every time now? Is every NST going to turn into a Norma-like fight for my rights? And what if my protein/bp really do start to escalate? I won't have much of a leg to stand on if that's true. I wish I could see the midwife first but unfortunately that appointment is the next day...and I get the impression that the midwives (or at least the one I've been seeing) tend to defer to the high risk obs.

We're SO CLOSE now; I only wish this thing hadn't happened yesterday so I could excitedly watch for my body to start prepping for labor rather than now being scared to go to my appointments, dread being pushed around by bullies, and be afraid of escalating symptoms that will cause me to have to make an agonizing decision in the next couple of weeks.

It sucks that I've had a normal, healthy pregnancy and yet our medical system has managed to panic me and suck all the joy out of it at the very end. I know they're just trying to protect me and the baby, but right now I'm full of resentment and kind of hate their guts. A nice hippie midwife and an expensive home birth isn't looking half bad right now.

Le Conflit

So the other night I’m in bed looking at my stack of unread Harpers and New Yorkers on the nightstand and thinking I really should make an effort to flip through some of them. The top issue was a Harpers that had an article titled on the cover “The Tyranny of Breastfeeding”.  I thought, “oooh, that sounds interesting” and immediately read it.  Now just for the record I didn’t think it was a great article – lots of facts and figures thrown around with no human element (and I’m a chick and I always look for the human element), however it did back up a lot of the feelings I’ve been having and things I’ve observed lately on my March 2012 WTE board; mainly that this concept of women being made to feel profoundly guilty and like failures because they have difficulty breastfeeding (or can’t at all) is a fairly new phenomenon, and nobody ever wants to talk about the entire generations of Western adults raised on formula who turned out just fine.  This article mentioned a prickly French feminist I’d previously read about named Elisabeth Badinter (a highly controversial figure) and her new book Le Conflit: La Femme et La Mere (The Conflict: The Woman and the Mother).

I immediately got on my phone and googled her, her book, and various interviews about her book (I had actually already read one in the New Yorker some weeks ago), and was compelled to download the book to my Kindle (it’s not available until the end of April).  Apparently her stance is that this new focus on back-to-the-earth mothering (breastfeeding until your children are in school, cloth diapering, making your own baby food, rejection of pain meds during labor, etc) is all about throwing women back to the dark ages and essentially keeping us out of the work force.  And you know what?  I kind of agree with her!

And it’s interesting coming from me because I do intend on at least *trying* many of these green crunchy things – I’m open to trying anything – but I also happen to have a unique situation on many levels.  For one, I have the luxury of being home all day, so there’s no work I need to “return to” or worry about being demoted from since I run my own business.  I am also single so don’t have the luxury of letting my work slide – no, mama MUST make sure the business continues strong because it will keep a roof over our heads.  So I have the ability to do all of these time consuming green things like make the baby food (and I do love to cook, so that’s no problem for me) and cloth diaper and all that, yet at the same time at a certain point the business has to take priority otherwise we’ll be homeless.

So for ecological reasons (I do hate waste) I like the idea of cloth diapering; however as I took the newly prepped newborn diapers out of the wash for the TWELFTH TIME last night I couldn’t help but think, “wow, that was a pain in the ass.”  But at the same time I’ve always been suspicious of all this over the top focus on baby and kid stuff being so green and so perfect and safe…there’s always been that part of me that’s said, “but when we were kids we didn’t have X,Y,Z and we’re fine…”  Now I recognize there are certainly more chemicals in the world now than there were in the 70s, food has for sure changed, our environment has changed, and of course you want to do what’s best for your kids.  But I have a sneaking suspicion most people talk a good game but half the time are faking it (much like I think many people are faking it in their marriages).  I think for every mother who squirrels away reusable cloth bags of organic, locally grown carrots for her kid’s snack, that same mother hits the McD’s drive through for chicken nuggets from time to time because it’s just plain EASY and then hides the evidence.

I guess my main issue isn’t so much the mechanics of all this (the breastfeeding, the cloth diapering, etc etc) as it is the guilt and shame that’s foisted upon those who don’t fall lock-step into line with these ideas.  My WTE board is full of this every single day – new mothers absolutely at their wit’s end because breastfeeding is so difficult and they feel like failures and everyone around them is making them feel guilty.  And I think that’s just horrible.  And again, it didn’t used to be like that. 

So is it men making women feel like they have to be slaves to their babies unnecessarily with the consequence of causing women to let their careers languish or give them up entirely?  Interestingly enough, I don’t think so – once again the culprit is OTHER WOMEN.  Much like female genital mutilation in certain countries – it’s the women – the grandmothers, the aunties – doing this to each other, not the men.  And sure, it’s a male dominated society/religion etc, but it’s still women going along saying “this must be done”.  In this country, do you think men really give a shit if you cloth diaper?  I don’t think so. But I bet everyone has a judgmental female friend who does!

So I am very interested to read this book.  I understand Elisabeth Badinter is a very disliked character (especially by Americans) and of course I won’t agree with everything she posits.  But in the end I just love women who behave badly, so if for no other reason I’ll read her book just to feel naughty. My mother didn’t raise no pushover!

Speaking of women behaving badly, so I already had this post in mind when I went for my NST today.  Little did I know what a controversial day it would end up being!  Once again everything good, normal, didn’t even have trouble with the appropriate movements/baseline like I had been (because now I eat closer to the appointment).  And as usual we initially got a high blood pressure reading but took it 20 seconds later and found it normal.  This time the new nurse took this information to one of their high risk obs, who after my NST insisted I come sit in his office.  The first words out of his mouth were, “we really don’t see the point of your continuing this pregnancy at this point, so we’d like to induce now.” I was, as the Brits say, “gob smacked.” He said that even though my risk for pre-e appears to be “very low” that they’ve seen cases of sudden escalations and they don’t think it’s worth the risk; that the baby isn’t going to mature any more at this point (umm…not true, actually) and the risk of c-section being induced at this point is no more than if I were to go into labor naturally (also not true).  Then he stared at me, ready to make an appointment for induction.  I said (as best I could without laughing) that I was not interested in being induced at this time.  He asked why.  I said because even he admitted my risk was extremely low, that my “condition” hasn’t changed one iota for weeks, everything looks good, and I see no medical reason to induce me at this point.  Then he launched into a bunch of scare tactics about the risks of “staying pregnant” and studies done in Africa and how women in the West survive only because they do things like induce labor, etc.  Then he stared at me.  “No,” was all I said.  Then he asked if I wanted to do more blood work today and I said no.  No, and I’m not getting the effing flu shot at the end of March when there’s no epidemic going on, either, even though I’m asked this every five fucking seconds, thank you very much.  Seriously, I wanted to punch this guy in his smug, fat little face.  All I can say is thank god we live in a free country where you can’t be forced into things like this – you do actually have a choice in your healthcare (well, sort of); they just have to show on paper that you were offered things and made the choice to decline in case you decide to sue them later.  That’s what this is all about.  And personally, I find it appalling.

So talk to me in two-three weeks and maybe my position will have changed.  Talk to me if my blood pressure suddenly does something different, or if I get any actual signs of real pre-e instead of this “maybe, maybe not” bullshit I’ve been dealing with for weeks.  But so far with everything looking pretty damned good, and being only at 38 weeks, I think I can manage to hold out another week or two.  He’ll come when he’s damned good and ready…putain!

What's for afters?

Any fan of Monty Python knows the answer to this question is "rat tart". However, I'm not talking about dessert, I'm talking about what will it be like to not be pregnant anymore...?

I found myself today engaged in one of my favorite activities which is Making Plans. Things I want to do with the house, my personal style, activities. Then I had to remind myself that I will be nothing but a sleep deprived milk and diapering machine for months. But this may or may not be true - the first couple of months, sure, but eventually real life must resume. He'll need me a little less, I'll have my new mom chops going, and maybe, just maybe, I'll start thinking about something other than keeping him alive. Or maybe not. The all-consuming nature of motherhood is something I have yet to experience so who knows. But for now I'm still technically the childless swinging single chick and I can still look at a magazine and go, "oooh, I'm totally wearing skirts like that this summer." I can still fantasize about building into my attic or the next trip to Kauai.

I feel like I've been pregnant for so long that honestly the thought of not being kind of scares me a little. Will I feel empty? Will I be scared to share my boy with the world when I'm used to having him all to myself? And even darker down that road - am I going to miss all the attention I've been getting?

I have this image of myself being this totally fabulous, put together, competent new mom, and I so want that, but I also don't want to set myself up for feelings of failure and disappointment. Nobody's perfect, and I'm guessing especially single mothers like myself with zero experience with kids or babies probably have a tough time in the beginning just learning the ropes. Even getting my dog, my first non-bird pet, was challenging. I'll never forget when the rescue people left and it was just me and this tiny dog staring blankly at each other, and I said, "so...what's goin' on?" Will I look at my newborn son with the little plastic thingee on his navel and say, "how 'bout those Knicks?" I might!

Last night was my last singing gig and it was very difficult. It was physically demanding (singing is hard right now. - zero lung capacity and no room for the diaphragm) and the night's promoter, a close friend, wanted to make the whole night about my pregnancy and how I could go into labor at any minute, so that's pretty much all I heard all night. Thank God for the self-centered single friends who still wanted to chat about dancer gossip and their work dramas! As much as I appreciated the well wishes from everyone I was just really uncomfortable and cranky and started to feel kind of awkward with all that attention focused on me. As I was driving home I was thinking how much I just want to sit at home alone for two weeks and not be intruded upon. It was exhausting.

So for now I picture myself sometime this summer with a healthy, thriving baby boy, a deliciously thin body, a crisp white button up shirt and a flowy skirt, looking and feeling fabulous. But if I can just have the healthy boy and none of the other things, that works, too. The rest will have to wait...for afters.

38 weeks

Not much to report today other than another clean bill of health from the OB (midwife).  Very pleased there's been no escalations on my various "issues".  I feel a lot different than I did a couple of weeks ago about this stuff, only because a) nothing has gotten worse and no new scary things have cropped up, and b) I'm now used to the inconvenience of going to the hospital three times a week.  I think like most people I tend to freak out initially upon receiving bad news and then just get used to it.

They always tell me how good the fluid levels look so today I asked if this is directly a result of drinking lots of water, and they said that certainly helps but it's not the whole story - the fluids being good mainly means my kidneys and placenta are working properly, and his kidneys are working properly.  I think I was spooked by the whole protein in the urine thing because it indicated my kidneys were struggling, and whatever mysterious ailment my mother has been suffering from for decades is directly related to her kidneys, so that was always on my mind. So it's good to know neither of these things have become an issue.

Yesterday I finally used my Amazon credits to fill in some remaining items - extra diaper pail liner, nipple butter, and yes, a couple of things for mommy (make up, post-partum waist cincher).  The one thing I have almost nothing of and haven't committed to is bedding for the various cribs/sleeping devices; the idea of shelling out for several sheet sets/pads/etc when I don't know yet which of the three items I have for sleep are going to end up working is daunting to me.  I could use the co-sleeper, I could use the old school crib, or I could use the cool little travel bassinet. It may even be a combination of the three.  Right now the bassinet really appeals to me for its portability and simplicity; the co-sleeper seems like the best item but my bedroom is so small I don't know how I'm going to feel having to work around it all the time for getting in and out of bed, changing sheets on my bed, etc etc.  So I'm just going to play that one by ear.

Now I'm in that mode of thinking about the birth a lot, and just crossing my fingers that I go into labor naturally and at a normal time.  I know I shouldn't set myself up for fear of being induced because that may very well happen, but boy I really don't want that to happen.  And why not?  People get induced all the time and everything turns out just fine.  And in a way it's good because, again, you can time it and get everything ready.  But movies like The Business of Being Born put the fear in me about any medical interventions, which is why I've steered clear of anything of that ilk my entire pregnancy (I saw the movie years ago).  Still I trust Kaiser to not be in that style of hospital that's all about their convenience and scheduling unnecessary c-sections and all that - I know this happens in a lot of places, but Kaiser Sunset is not one of those places.  

So as of right now I'm healthy (feel kind of like crap a lot of the time, but that's normal), the babe is doing great (they said he could be about 7 lbs right now - crazy!), the danger of prematurity has passed, and everything looks good.  For this I am truly grateful.

You say that now...

Just for your entertainment and mine I thought I’d put out a list of things that even with my utter lack of experience I know I can’t possibly stick to.  Still I always get a kick out of reading those “if I knew then what I know now” mom lists about how naïve they were before having kids and how quickly reality settles in, so I thought I’d make one of my own.  This will be fun to look back on in the coming months and years.  So, pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, and laugh your ass off at me.  I’ll be laughing right along with you, believe me.

I’ll make sure my kid puts all his toys away before bedtime.

On that note, I won’t allow my house to be overrun by toys.

My kid will have a consistent bedtime.

I will always read to my kid at bedtime.

I will never go to a drive through for fast food because I just can’t deal with cooking.

I will never raise my voice or swear around my kid.

I will never choose answering the phone over meeting my kid’s needs.

I will never make my kid eat something he hates, while simultaneously never caving to make him his own meal.

I will never watch inappropriate movies or TV shows if my kid is in earshot.

I will always understand that my kid’s concerns are important to him even though they seem silly to me, the adult.

I will not turn into my mother.

Ahhhh…a good laugh always feels great.  In other news, NST went well today.  I think the secret is eating closer to the appointment so the baby moves more and gets them the information they want, so I will do that from now on. Blood pressure, protein, weight, fluids, everything still normal. Always a relief.

And now just for the gross out factor I had some weird incident in the bathroom this morning.  I’m not sure what happened exactly but let’s just say I got stuck sponging myself off and scrubbing my underwear and sweatpants off in the sink and realizing that I have seen my future, and it is full of poop.  None of this was labor-related or a sign of sickness or anything; just a bizarre bathroom accident.  The authorities said it was “best left unsolved”.

70%

No, this isn't an effacement measurement, this is how prepared I now feel after last night's tutorial. I now know how a Moby wrap works, how to apply a snappy to a cloth diaper, the car seat base is in the car, and I have a rudimentary bag packed. I still need to fill in some registry items, but none of them are terribly urgent. I have done one of six (well, twelve) required prep washes of the diapers. I figured I'd do two a day. Don't even want to think about my water bill!

So, that's all a relief. I still feel kind of in the dark about most things - lately I've been feeling kind of guilty about not taking childbirth classes - but in the end I have to remind myself there's only so much you can do. I mean, eating well, getting rest, and getting to all my appointments I figure is the most important thing. I also have a household and a business to run, which right now involves a lot of prep work for taking basically the month of April off.

Last night I had yet another dream about having to return to NYC and go back to high school to finish up some credits I for some reason missed out on. Once again I ask, why would I ever agree to do that? It's so dumb. But I guess that dream symbolizes for me feeling out of my depth in a strange new world - that definitely is how I feel right now (although a lot less so after last night).

Are we there yet?

Apparently we have entered the phase during which people think I have given birth but not told them.  On my WTE March 2012 app there are plenty of women who seem to be having the same issue – lots of people checking in to see if anything has happened yet.  Now just for the record I don’t mind this – again, I’m touched anyone cares.  But it is kind of funny, in the world of Facebook and e-mail and smart phones, to think that anyone could be out of the loop about ANYTHING at any time.  My sister called to tell me her stepmother has been checking in with her a lot to see if anything has happened.  I said next time she should tell her I had the baby two weeks ago but we all forgot to tell her.  Just kidding.

Tonight my Mom Guru friend is coming over to walk me through cloth diapering.  She sent me some links to YouTube videos on the subject, and I watched them, so I already feel more informed – I at least feel like I know how to actually put one on; the prep and washing and accessory part I’m still a bit muddy about.  But I did feel myself panic slightly while watching the videos, I won’t lie.  I’m starting to feel about cloth diapering the same way I feel about breastfeeding – best for baby, check, best for environment, check, best all around, check, but a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS.  There’s just so much lingo – “pre-folds” (looks like a piece of cloth to me), “all-in-ones”, “inserts”, huh? Hopefully I will get the hang of it and just integrate it into my daily life and that’ll be it – and lord knows most cloth diaperers except for maybe the most hardcore probably do a combo of cloth and disposables as convenience dictates.  But right now it’s extremely daunting and I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  So, not only do I have to deal with postpartum hormonal weirdness/bleeding/vajayjay yuckiness/exhaustion but also at the same time have to deal with first time breastfeeding and all that entails AND cloth diapering and all that entails, and all of this RIGHT AWAY, like, within minutes or hours after he’s born, no break for mommy?  Then I remember all of our ancestors did this and without anti-bacterial sprays and cute little cloth diaper covers and lactation specialists.  At any rate I do have a package of newborn disposables for those first few days if I just can’t deal, and I swear if I discover my water bill is more than a diaper service I may just go for the service.  If it’s about saving money and actually costs me more money, then what’s the point?

Was able to get my butt out for brunch, the post office, the grocery store, and TWO, count them, TWO birthday parties last night.  I didn’t know if I’d be able to survive yesterday, but I did, even though every step felt like I had a giant medicine ball resting on my bladder.  I swear the only way I made it through was lots of iced tea and sugar.  It was not a good GD diet day for me.  Not at all.  I would like to say I can resume hiking or yoga…but I think I’m kind of done with both of these things for the duration.  My wrists and hands hurt too much from carpal tunnel to be able to do anything yoga related (especially the endless downward dog poses – no thank you), and somehow I just don’t feel safe hiking right now when even walking is very unpleasant.  Since every time now they take my blood pressure it’s kind of high, and then I sit for a few seconds and it drops back to normal levels, the NST nurse suggested last time that clearly I do better when resting and probably shouldn’t be exerting myself too much.  My response was, “works for me!”

So next week’s calendar is still full of stuff, but then after that it’s eerily blank.  It kind of reminds me of when I used to sneak and read my mother’s old diaries, and there was one from when she was pregnant with me (would LOVE to get my hands on that now) and then the day before I was born was the last entry and the rest of the book was blank.  I think this set in my brain at a very young age that having a baby is the end of your life.  Well, your life as you know it, anyway.  I prefer to think of it in the terms verbalized by comic Wanda Sykes upon having twins, “Now, I know I used to say kids ruin your life.  And they do ruin your life.  But they give you a new life.”  Works for me!