Another day, another NST

Another lengthy NST today. Probably 45 minutes on the monitor and another 20 doing an involved ultrasound. Apparently baby boy just isn't creating the proper baseline heartbeat and/or the kind of movements they want in the amount of time they want. Nobody seems concerned about this, however, so I'm not concerned. Apparently this is normal; they just need to see what they need to see before they can give me a clean bill of health and send me on my way. This has happened three times in a row now so I'm taking it a lot more in stride than I was before. I mean, really, what else do I need to be doing right now? And as we get closer I know these visits are numbered. It also helps that nothing new wrong has cropped up - blood pressure still ok, protein + 1 as it's always been, no new symptoms, no weight gain, nobody even asks about the GD thing anymore (and that's good, because I haven't checked my blood sugar more than once or twice for weeks).

The weight gain has been interesting. I haven't gained a pound in a couple of weeks. Some people say weight gain slows or stops in the last month; some say it escalates. Lord knows I haven't exactly been eating light lately...but haven't been gorging, either (well, except that Lucky Charms Frenzy this week, but we won't talk about that...). Still I'm excited by the prospect of not gaining any more weight - right now I've gained about 28 pounds. Can I keep that going for 2+ more weeks...? I truly believe keeping my weight in check has kept me from being totally miserable right now - and no stretch marks, no varicose veins. So I have to grudgingly say thanks to the ob that told me to watch it with the weight gain way back when.

The NST nurse today (who won't stop asking me when I'm getting the flu shot by the way - ummm...never?) said I'm going to have a very calm baby. I find this interesting because one of the reasons I picked this donor was because he listed as one of his personality traits "very calm". Can we finally breed the anxiety and nervous energy out of this family? That would be fantastic.

Maternity shoot pics

Here are some shots from Monday at LA's fabulous art deco Union Station. I'm glad I went with the non-maternity vintage clothes so you could see the belly better and I didn't just look like I was wearing a tent!

What's it like for you?

So as often happens when I feel really overwhelmed and have a lot on my plate, my brain kicks into hyper drive and I start suddenly getting creative and wanting to start projects.  I was on the freeway today and one hit me like a thunderbolt (much like the “maybe you can still have children” notion, which also hit me while driving on the freeway).  It’s not original, won’t make me any money, and will never “go anywhere”.  But it’s just something I’m interested in.  In the spirit of Studs Terkel, one of my favorite people, who once wrote a book all about people talking about their jobs, I want to create a podcast with the same theme – interviewing people I know about their jobs, and how they feel about their jobs.  Technically it would be easy to do (you just need a computer, microphone, and headset) and I have a list of at least thirty friends who I’d love to interview and who I think would be interested and interesting – pharmacists, teachers, lawyers, musicians, floral designers, police officers, the list goes on and on.  I always want to know how people feel about their jobs – half the time when I used to go on these international tours, rather than soaking in the local culture, I’d be busy asking the tour director how they felt about their line of work, what challenges they face, what they wish was different, what they’d rather do if money weren’t an option, etc etc.  I wanted to call it The Empathy Project but of course this name is already taken; I’ll think of something else equally catchy.  I figured it would be best just loaded onto a free blog for now until I can think of something else to do with it.  And of course with a new baby who knows when, if ever, I’ll get to starting.  But I usually do the things I put on the back burner eventually – start a dance event, start a band.  Sometimes it just takes the right set of circumstances.  Something like this is definitely a passion of mine, though, so I know I’ll get to it eventually.

I think I thought of this today because of all the controversy swirling around the creation of PAIL, the new blog list (?) for people who have come out of infertility to parenting and want or need a place to connect with others in the same situation.  Now I wrote about this whole “being alienated by your blog community after your BFP” quite a bit way back when and don’t really want to get into it again, but just seeing this topic discussed on various blogs, with various reactions, made me think again how subjective this human experience is – how you really don’t know what it’s like to be in another’s shoes, no matter how much you think you know, or try to guess.  I was telling my Doula Friend today what I had written here some days ago, how the old me from my “trying” phase – the one that was full of fear and trepidation and couldn’t believe anything good could ever happen to me, the one wracked with jealousy and bitterness, is gone now, and I can’t relate to her anymore.  Much like I can’t relate to the teenaged me or the 30-year-old me.  I think for most of us who are given the chance to move on to the next phase, you just drop the old phase like a hot potato.  This isn’t to say you don’t still have echoes and ripples of the old you – certainly anyone who struggled with infertility never really “gets over” it, even after having a child, as many people have pointed out. But most people are just in the new phase and that new phase is consuming enough that there isn’t time to stay in the fear/bitterness/jealousy/sadness that once inhabited your entire being.  For me it wasn’t about struggling with infertility (I can’t say I think that word applies to my situation really), it was about dealing with a lifetime of watching everyone around me get married and start families while I didn’t, despite massive effort, and the layers of unhappiness and frustration this caused me.  It’s minor compared to infertility, I know, and I’m not even trying to compare the two.  But this was just my personal journey.  Going from this awful place of being 38 and never having been in anything resembling a long term relationship despite years of active dating, and, again, watching literally everyone I know get married, get pregnant, and have children, while I stood by asking the same question for decades, “what’s wrong with me?”  This is bound to mess you up a little.  But like so many single women I found a loophole, and it’s completely changed me.  I feel grateful.  I feel happy.  I feel excited about my future.  And these are emotions I haven’t felt in ages – maybe never.  And who do I thank for this?  A donor, a catheter, and a vial.  Crazy, huh?

My friend and I wondered today if my *occasional* pregnancy-related posts on FB cause the same kind of anger/sadness/jealousy that others’ used to cause in me.  I’m sure, somewhere out there in my huge list of “friends”, are people struggling who have hidden me from their news feed, or people who have an attitude about my methods and just don’t believe what I’m doing is right, or people who are just jealous of me in general and think I live this charmed life when they have no idea what I really experience on a day to day basis in my work, with the pregnancy, financial concerns, my bizarre family situation, etc etc.

In one of my favorite movies, Walking and Talking, the female friend who isn’t in a relationship finally breaks down and tells her best friend who is getting married, “you never ask what it’s like for me.”  And the engaged friend sits down and says, “ok, what is it like for you?” to which the single friend says, “it’s really hard.”  And they then have the first real, honest exchange in the movie, and it heals them.  Maybe someday my podcast can spread a little of this kind of exchange into the world – this is what it’s like, and it’s not what you think, and sometimes it’s really hard.  Spreading a little empathy around can’t hurt, can it?

Full term!

So today I am officially considered "full term" even though I technically have three weeks to go and could even go as far as mid-April. At my NST today they said what I already knew - if I were to go into labor now they wouldn't try to stop it. So I can now remove the fear of premature birth off my list, much like making it to that all important first ultrasound removed the fear of "empty gestational sac" or "repeat chemical pregnancy" off my list. Check, and check!

Still, li'l RT shouldn't come now, not yet. I'm sure his lungs could use some more maturing, and momma doesn't know how to fold a cloth diaper yet. I also don't have a bag packed nor the car seat installed, although all of these things should be taken care of by the weekend.

The reality of how soon he'll be here is hitting me in small increments. Tonight I had my monthly writer's group, and they all remarked that the next time they see me I'll have a baby (for the record I'm skipping April with the group). I've seen many friends recently that I know I won't see again until after the baby. Yes, Virginia, it is just that close.

Today's NST took an hour and a half because they just weren't getting the info they needed - he was sleeping so wasn't moving much, and his heartbeat baseline couldn't be pinned down definitively. Is any of this worrisome? No, it's just sometimes babies don't "cooperate" the way we'd like. Every time I go in there and still have normal blood pressure and the same protein readings I consider a good thing; nothing appears to be worsening or actually wrong with either of us. I'm curious if they'll be able to help me predict labor at any point - my guess is probably not. But I might ask next week. I have been getting little fleeting pains across my uterus the last couple of days, but this could be stretching or gas. And I do have the Braxton Hicks quite a lot, but now that I know what they are I can honestly say I've had them for several weeks, so I don't think that means anything, either.

I so wish for a normal, peaceful delivery, but the more I hear the less this seems possible - a lot of the women on my March 2012 WTE board have had their babies, and even the ones that came on time were fraught with issues - inductions, pitocin, c-sections, problems up the wazoo. Sometimes it seems like too much to ask to just be able to go into labor naturally and a day or so later have a healthy baby. Sigh.

My marathon of activity is about over - two maternity photo shoots down (and a huge relief that's over - I was afraid I'd go into labor and miss out), only one band gig left next Weds, most obligations behind me. I really feel like I want to just be quiet and focus right now but that's been impossible lately; just too many things to get done before he's here.

Feeling very "full" and uncomfortable all of the time. There just is no good position - lying down, sitting, standing, everything feels lousy. How do people do this with twins or more...? I'm telling you, if I go for baby #2 and we see more than one follicle I'm out for that month. No way in hell am I taking the risk of twins, especially if I already have a kid. Hell to the no.

Still, despite all this pleasantly surprised at how well I feel this late in the game. I imagined it'd be far worse. I can still drive, haul garbage down the stairs, groceries up the stairs, etc. There are times I get very tired, and sleep is a bit of a torment, but for the most part I'm still able to do everything I need to do, which is great. Mind still clear, still able to function in my work.

So my (hopefully) cute maternity shots should be here soon. In the meantime here's a 37 week shot of me with my favorite "Monet" filter:

Lazy Sunday

I am at last getting my day of rest. I should be hiking, grocery shopping, answering emails, etc. Instead I am sitting in the yard with the dog on my lap playing with my phone, because that's what I feel like doing. So there!

Gig last night was challenging. I found myself kind of scared to make the hour long drive down to Orange County...and I just felt really uncomfortable and slightly nauseated all night. Yep, it's at that point. I've accepted that I'm just not going to feel "good" for a while, and that's ok. It's so close to the wire I really can't complain, and I am glad the feeling crappy didn't rear its head until the last few days.

Right now my head is reeling from a couple of things. I hate to be cryptic but to protect people's privacy I won't go into detail here - suffice it to say a couple of people have revealed really dark, traumatic things from their past to me recently and I am now somewhat traumatized for them. It's amazing the secrets people carry around with them - it certainly makes me understand them a lot better, but it makes me incredibly sad for them, too. Kind of can't get my mind off these things at the moment.

One attempt at distracting myself from these dark revelations is one if my favorite lazy day pastimes - Real Estate Porn. Saw with interest that one of my favorite Altadena Victorians has dropped its price again - this time to way below what I owe on this house. Does make me kind of rub my chin a little bit. However this is all just a nice fantasy. For one, I doubt I could break even selling this house right now, definitely not paying a realtor their fee. That would leave me with no down payment. I also doubt I could get a decent loan (or any loan) as a self-employed person right now (and for sure not with little or no down payment). Then there's the issue of the repairs the new place would no doubt need at that price. And the moving from a great school district to a crappy school district. I'm sure I'll soon learn having access to an awesome public school is worth its weight in gold (and this is a reality for me now - not something to worry about in the distant future "if" I ever have kids). Still, it's fun to fantasize. Maybe some day it will look like a good financial decision to move, but now is for sure not that time. I'll probably tool over there later just for a peek anyway, though.

Memory Lane of sorts

Tonight I had my exhaustive tax appointment. My tax lady comes to my house and I feed her numbers for about five hours and we come up with a return that we can both live with. It did not go well. I expected to owe about $1500 or so...we last left it with me owing about $5000. How I can have made a LOT less money this year and yet owe thousands more is a mystery to me. I think she missed something - she seemed very confused by my whole car sale thing; anyway she's going to work on the return some more at home and hopefully we can get that freakin' number down. I was pretty distraught at the time, but once again, it is what it is. If I really owe that much at least I can do a payment plan. Because god knows I don't have $5000. And I can forget about replacing that sewer line.

Going through all my receipts was an interesting stroll down memory lane, however. Here's the Day 21 progesterone test that told me I wasn't ovulating. Here's the BFN IUI from last April. Here's that crazy $985 bill from Kaiser for the Day 3 labs that sent me into hysterics that turned out to be a mistake. Here's the IUI that resulted in a chemical pregnancy; here's the one that resulted in my son. I can't imagine how painful receipts like these would be for a woman who hadn't gotten a successful pregnancy by the end of the year! Even with mine there was a lot of heartache along the way. So glad that phase is behind me!!!

Another NST today. They kept me FOREVER. Apparently they just weren't getting the information they needed even after 45 minutes, so they did a second ultrasound to check breathing, movement, etc. He was, of course, fine. And they didn't so much agree with my plan to stop seeing the ob since they just run all the same tests...so I think I have been guilted into making a third appointment next week with whoever I can get. I just keep telling myself it's only three + more weeks; and after mid-next week I will have a lot less on my plate so I won't be as pissed off about having to spend half my life over there. Read some women on WTE who were talking about being induced and they only had 300 or so protein in their urine; I had 600. Oh, and my theory about cereal causing the protein to disappear? Didn't work today. So much for that!

In just a few days I will be considered "term". I am starting to get very tired and feel like I'm carrying a giant 30 pound weight on top of my bladder. All I want to do is lie around and eat. I think once the marathon of the next few days is over I might just do that (the lying around part, anyway). Already considering not showing up for my singing gig Sunday - it's only $100, and a long drive, and will be the third of five days in a row where I'll have to get dressed up and be "on". A break from that would be GREAT. I think the time had come to start letting myself take it easy...I sure need it right now.

Things I would do differently

Thinking about all the recent medical stuff has made me make a list of things I would do differently next time which would hopefully bring out a better outcome for me.  This is all just theory of course, but would be interesting to experiment with (that is if this isn’t my one and only).

I wouldn’t pack on ten pounds in the fourth month in an attempt to make up for the weight I didn’t gain in the first trimester.  For some reason I thought you were supposed to gain 3-4 pounds every month, when in fact they assume you won’t gain anything until about the fourth or fifth month, because almost everyone is sick to some extent (or if not sick, then not actively gaining weight).  At the moment I am on track for the high end of healthy weight gain – 35 lbs.  I sure wish I were on track for the low end of healthy weight gain – 25 lbs.

When I do the 1 hour glucose test, I will refrain from carbs and sugars for at least a day or two before.  I believe I had a giant bowl of pasta the night before my test, which meant my numbers were probably high that morning anyway.  They also had told me to not move around between drinking the glucose and taking the blood an hour later because it would “raise my sugars”.  I now know this to be the exact opposite – had I gone out and walked around the block as I did when I did the first glucose test at eight weeks, I undoubtedly would have passed, since I was only 20 points over the limit anyway.

Then if I pass the 1 hour I won’t be pressured to cutting carbs and adding tons more protein to my diet, which I am convinced is why protein started spilling into my urine making them think I am a candidate for pre-eclampsia even though I have none of the other signs at all. 

Now of course if there is a next time I’ll be 41 and they may treat me like a sick person anyway even if everything comes up clean – but I’d be very curious on a scientific level to see if these small changes cause anything to be different.  Based on all my tests being totally normal lately I can’t help but believe all of this – the pre-e scare, the GD – is just a bunch of nonsense.  Am I happy for the extra monitoring just for my peace of mind?  I guess, and surely as it gets closer to my due date it might give me some insight as to what’s going on with impending labor, which will be helpful.  But all of this has upset me so much that I have to admit it would be much better to just be treated like a normal patient, because a nine months pregnant woman doesn’t need a bunch of scary ideas put into her head. 

With that said I can’t believe it is now March and the month of my due date (although of course he may very well be born in April). Every minute of every day I wonder what’s going to happen – is there going to be some problem, or am I just peacefully, naturally going to go into labor and have a normal time of it?  Will my water break, will I see the mucous plug come out, will there be signs?  Will I even know I’m in labor at first?  Will it wake me up from a sound sleep or start in the middle of the day?  Will I be out in public? What will I do with the dog? Will the house be ready? Will I be ready? So much to wonder about!