Holiday trifecta part 3

For once we had a really nice chill Thanksgiving. The last two years we did big projects - moving furniture to the cabin one year, upgrading the boys’ room the next, and years before that traveling like gangbusters. This time we just drove out to Spaghetti Western without a reservation (nobody ordered the Thanksgiving food, which I thought was hilarious), spent a day in the Mojave National Preserve (one of my favorite places!), plumbed the sink, and then drove home. It was very relaxing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It made me feel less guilty about not participating in any Thanksgiving traditions anymore - a few years ago I was decided I was done with all that, for many reasons; a) I’m a vegetarian and hate the food, b) problematic in-laws, c) icky colonialism. I do sometimes miss it, and wonder if things might change if my sister moves here. But then I remember if I want to do a big elaborate meal, I can always do that at Christmas, and we’re seeing the whole family over new year’s in Florida anyway.

We took two giant leaps in the desert - one, getting the shower properly set up and using it (the portable dog groomer water heater I bought years ago finally had a dead battery from lack of use and couldn’t be revived, so I bought a new portable water heater that uses D batteries and it worked great) and then getting the kitchen sink plumbed, which happened on the last day so I still squatted on the ground washing dishes in a basin the first two days and never really got to use it, but still. Things are about to get a lot more sophisticated out there, and I love it. Having a working hot shower also means I’ll be more likely to invite friends. 

The kids have two more weeks of school before their break. I’m struggling to figure out gifts for them - Bobby is easy because he always makes a long list (at his age it’s all clothes and electronics - which is great, except we can’t afford the electronics and he really should pick his clothes out himself). Theo has no idea what he wants, so at this point I’m just improvising - I figure he could use a new, better robe than the one I got him last year, and some pajama pants he can wear around the house, and a Lego set (a nice bonsai tree I can display), and we’re looking into used snowboards for both boys to use sand surfing at the Kelso dunes which they seem especially keen about doing (after they got to do it at the pink sand dunes in Utah last year). We’re also going to get a basketball hoop for the desert. As you can imagine, boredom is a huge issue out there so we’re desperate for things for them to do. But, no joke, buying presents for these kids at this age is hard. Unless it’s computers or iPhones they don’t really care. It’s the first year I’m really struggling. 

I’m obsessed with figuring out an off-grid hot tub for us for the desert. It would be amazing to have a nice long soak out there on a cold winter night. I’ve been scouring YouTube videos and Reddit threads, mostly populated by Mormon preppers. Right now it seems the best, cheapest solution would be a galvanized stock tank (well insulated) with copper coiling set up in a chiminea. It would take a lot of maintenance - at least a couple of hours of tending the fire and stirring the water. But if we’re just out there hanging out anyway, why not…? Still a lot more research to do. Every time I think I’ve found the perfect set up, something cheaper and better presents itself. It’s not something I would want to seriously look into until next fall anyway. 

Today we’re going to do Christmas stuff. It always feels a bit late a week into December, but with my schedule shaping up to be night before Thanksgiving gig, then drive out to the desert on Thanksgiving, I’d really rather stay until Sunday night rather than come home a day early just to do lights and a tree. I’ve got my cards out, ordered a photo Christmas ornament, made all the photo books of our trips, ordered some gifts, and started plans for candy making which I’ll do next week. Everything is in order. I’ve also been strangely energized to start purging different parts of the house - I’ve purged all my clothes, gone through cabinets in both bathrooms, cleaned out kitchen drawers. Next I’d like to tackle the hallway closet (full of abandoned board games and vhs tapes), the office (tons of e-waste I need to find an event to dispose at), and a couple of pieces of furniture in the living room that have become the “I don’t know where to put this” depositaries. It’s amazing how fast a small house fills up with crap when four people live in it. I’m in a ruthless mood, though - everything must go - which is the right mood for this project. I’m seeing the writing on the wall - these kids are growing up - so it’s time to get rid of the baby spoons and carriers and car seat travel bags and boosters. On to the next phase. 

Photo dump

Our family photos are here!

No! vember

We’re gearing up for a big rain here, and I’m proud of myself that I remembered to turn off the sprinklers and put anything inside that needs to be. We’re supposed to head to the desert, but it’s going to rain all day Saturday. Which means everyone will be bored, and/or we might get stuck in the sand. We may have to reconsider that plan.

For now, I’m doing what I always do at this time of year, which is a) update my look (soft goth), b) take care of things that have been annoying me around the house (little repairs & upgrades & purges), c) plot out next year’s trips (road trip to CO in the summer, possible Hawaii in December), and d) generally take care of shit that my brain is too full of the rest of the year to deal with.

Updating my will has been a big part of this - since I first set up my will after Bobby was born, so much has happened; Theo was born, I got married, I bought the desert property. It’s been woefully ignored all these years (I did update my life insurance to add Theo as a beneficiary, but that’s it). I finally got off my ass a couple of weeks ago to dig out all my paperwork from 2012, and discovered much to my horror that I inexplicably never actually finished the process. I never had anything signed, never funded the trust, never had anything notarized. So basically I paid legal zoom $500 for a pile of worthless paper. I was horrified. I’m usually so good at paperwork - what the hell happened there? The only thing I can think is I had a new baby and just couldn’t deal. Fair enough. The good news is, so far I’ve survived, so I haven’t needed the useless pile of paperwork. I did some investigating and even though I’d sort of like to just completely start over with an actual lawyer, I don’t really want to spend the several thousand dollars that would take, especially when I basically have everything in place; I just need to make some adjustments. So I found on the legal zoom site that I could in fact do some revisions there for cheap. However, adding the desert property, which has no address, caused all kinds of confusion and phone calls and chat sessions and delays until I finally got the updated paperwork today. I still have a long road ahead - I need to find two witnesses to watch me sign things, I need to have some things notarized, and I need to work with title companies to move the properties into the trust. It’s a lot of work. But if I want to make sure these kids are secure and don’t have to fight through probate if I drop dead tomorrow, I have to get all this done and quickly. Again pretty horrified that I so badly dropped the ball on this, but I’ll give myself the grace that most people in their 40s and 50s aren’t thinking about wills and health care directives; at least I’m ahead of your average person in this regard. And I’ll get it done and won’t have to think about it again, hopefully.

I got a call from a realtor in the desert who I happen to know somewhat because he used to come to my event, telling me the guy who owns the 5 acre plot just south of ours is looking to sell. I was stoked. The idea of snapping up surrounding plots to ours thrills me to no end; I made a lowball offer. But I think he may have just been feeling out what he could get because it’s been a few days and I haven’t heard anything (it wasn’t an official offer). Right now these plots are selling for pennies, so he may decide to hang onto it unless he’s desperate for cash. I hope he negotiates, but I may just never hear from him again, we’ll see. 

I’ve been spending countless hours compiling all of our trip photos for the last five years into little photo books via google photos - I feel like we’ve done so many cool things since 2020 and I’m starting to forget them all. We all take so many photos these days but they all just stay in our phones, forgotten, unlike the days when it was a holiday ritual to look over family photo albums year after year. So I’m in the middle of that process, which is practically a part time job and will probably cost several hundred dollars by the time I’m done. But I feel like it’s necessary. Eventually I’ll go earlier than 2020 and do baby books for the boys and maybe one for my sister with all her visits over the years. I know these are books I’ll actually enjoy looking at. They’re very plain and limited in their design capabilities, but considering the fact that I have to get about 25 of them done in just a couple of weeks (I’m planning on them being a family Christmas present), I don’t have the time or energy to muck about. 

Halloween in the scariest year yet

Halloween went off well in our usual favorite trick or treat spot. For once, both kids got equal attention for their efforts - Theo delighted the little kids with his inflatable video game character, and millennials and below loved Bobby’s Napoleon Dynamite. I’m so glad he wanted to be that character. He doesn’t seem to have an issue with his  (still) flaming red hair - especially at a school that’s majority Latino/Asian, so he stands out. It shows how society has still progressed despite the current relentless regression; I once spoke to a woman in her nineties who said how when she was a kid you’d be bullied for having red hair or freckles or being tall or short; not to say those things don’t still happen, but I’d like to believe it’s getting better. 

So phase one of the holiday trifecta is in the books - I de-decorated the house yesterday and packed the costumes away (I re-purposed the Cruella DeVile costume I wore at my event), last night the time changed; it’s time to settle in to fall and the gradual darkening. In the meantime, everything is pretty chaotic and frightening - yesterday, SNAP benefits expired, and nobody knows if the orange turd is going to follow judge’s orders to re-fund them; the government remains shut down (I think we’re easily going to break the shut down length record, which happens on Tuesday); a good portion of the White House was illegally destroyed and there’s nothing anybody can do about it; and - and this directly affects us - healthcare premiums are about to go through the roof, so although I think me and the kids will be sort of ok, getting the H coverage after a year of no healthcare may now be impossible. Thanks, Republicans! 

But in better news, there are major, consequential elections happening the day after tomorrow, and I’m excited to watch. California should pass Prop 50 fairly easily, and Mamdani is set to be elected mayor of NYC. I sure hope he doesn’t turn out to be a disappointment. So, as per usual, despite all the current horrors and abuses, there may be some wins this week. Oh, and the Dodgers won the World Series (again) last night. So, there’s that. 

Three weeks until Thanksgiving, then three weeks until winter break. The kids are doing just fine. I’m still convinced Theo isn’t learning anything at school, so I’m interested to see how his parent-teacher conference goes, whenever that is. Should be this month. Part of me wants to raise hell about it - have him moved to another class, demand his teacher step it up and stop giving the kids entire days off of doing any schoolwork - but then I think, eh, it’s just sixth grade, who cares, and also, I could be totally wrong about all of this. Theo may not be the most reliable narrator on what goes on in his classroom. So we’ll see what it’s like when I meet his teacher. I’ll definitely ask if he’s getting any different treatment as one in a “gifted cluster” (my guess is no). Again I wonder if things would be different if he’d stayed at his old school, or if this is just the state of public education (I was in a very demanding private school from 5th-8th grade, so it’s hard to compare). I’ve been asking myself lately, if he gets in to Bobby’s school (which he should), should he sign up for all advanced classes out of the gate the way Bobby did? Or just stick with easy stuff so as not to overwhelm him? It’s a really tough call. Thankfully that’s a problem for another time. Once again, the determination that Theo got as “gifted” but not “highly gifted” like Bobby, means a lot of doors are closed for him, despite being a bright and studious kid. And like all kids, he can only rise to the level he’s presented. 

And then I think, does any of this even matter, in a world where AI will shortly take over all jobs and nobody under 50 will ever be able to afford housing or a family? These are the questions we have to ask ourselves in 2025. What future do these kids have? Will something step in and save us from this craven, willful self-destruction? The next year will definitely have some answers. 

Meeting the girlfriend

Last night Bobby went to his school’s homecoming dance. All of us were at a loss for the nuances and etiquette of the thing - does he get his date a corsage? Do we pick her up? Do we all go to the door and meet her parents? How is he supposed to dress? 

Thankfully the outfit I bought him at Ross - dress shoes, black pants and black shirt - were entirely appropriate, and everything went well, and a corsage would have been over the top. She is, of course, adorable - when we pulled up, she was taking pictures on the street with her family, and the mom and sister came over to say hello. Obviously I won’t post her picture here, but she’s so cute! 

He said he was nervous as we were driving up, but he ended up staying the entire four hours and said he had a really good time. The H and I went to see Poltergeist (yet another movie that hits differently when you have kids) leaving Theo on his own at home, and everything worked out. 

It’s very odd to be at this phase of life. Having been a hyper-vigilant mother - every pen, marker, sharp thing put away, never letting them out of my sight for a second when they were little - now is the time when they aren’t so controllable. They are going to be at events without us. Out at night, not under our supervision. Forming bonds with people who are strangers to us. I’m sure this is far scarier for the girl’s family - can you imagine?? These strange people drive up and whisk your thirteen-year-old girl away in their car. Good lord! 

I definitely would never have pictured that being a “boyfriend” would be part of Bobby’s eighth grade experience. It’s 100% only because she approached him - who knows how long it would have taken him to ask a girl out - but it’s still an important milestone in his maturing. I for one am glad he has girls in his life (and non-white girls at that)  - I worry so much about these boys being red-pilled online. He started earlier than me - my first boyfriend wasn’t until the end of my freshman year in high school, although I was interested in boys since kindergarten. 

Today I’m taking the boys to see ET and that’s pretty much our only plan for the day. I just love these relaxed weekends. We would have been in the desert had it not been for the homecoming dance and concert Friday night. 

We went to Theo’s school Halloween carnival Friday, but it was a bit of a mess. I brought Theo’s inflatable costume and batteries, but it turned out you need a screwdriver to put the batteries in, and there was no time to drive home and get one. He was super bummed. We tried everything to get those screws out - after probably an hour we finally just broke the cover off, which worked. Then he ran around and had fun, thankfully, but Bobby didn’t want to walk around or get any food, and neither of them wanted to go into the haunted house or do any of the activities even though I bought tickets. I guess that’s how these things come to a close - not with a bang but a whimper. 

Here’s Bobby as we’re driving to the dance. 

Metaphors and Kings

We didn’t end up taking Bobby to the No Kings protest on Sat - I was too concerned about leaving Theo alone - but as we all now know, the day went by without incident, was fun and joyful, and we totally could have taken both of them. I keep saying “next time” I’ll start taking the kids, but it seems every time a new big protest rolls around there’s increased threats of violence, so who knows.

I was on a high from the great day when - jump scare - late that night one of the H’s old friends who I am no longer connected to on FB but regrettably saw my post of me dressed in a chicken costume (solidarity with the Portland frogs) due to still being “friends” with the H who was tagged, took it upon himself to comment that I looked “hideous and retarded”. This after his wife at the same time made a couple of snarky right wing meme posts about how if he really were a king these protests wouldn’t be allowed, blah blah. Now keep in mind, although we haven’t seen these people in ten years, I did meet them when the H and I first started dating; we went to their house for dinner because they were basically like family to him (they were family of his first wife who took him in and would have him over pretty much every weekend). We invited them to the wedding just three years ago - they couldn’t come, but I genuinely believe would have if they could. To go from that - pretty much being family - to calling me “hideous and retarded”, I found unbelievably cruel and out of line. What I wanted was for the H to let them have it - but in the shock and confusion of it all (FB changed how you reply to comments so it took me forever to figure out how to delete comments) I ended up deleting the comments before he could respond, and then blocked them both from both of our accounts. I realize I’m a light weight when it comes to this stuff because I have no MAGA friends or family and have insulated myself to where I pretty much never have to deal with those fucking people either online or in person, but this was really shocking and upsetting to me. I’m still not over it, truth be told. The sadism and cruelty this fucking piece of shit in the White House has enabled in our fellow citizens is really horrific. 

Breathe, breathe.

In some good news, after a failed Halloween shopping trip with the H over the weekend, I took the boys to Spirit yesterday and Theo got yet another video game-related inflatable costume, and much to my delight, Bobby agreed to be Napoleon Dynamite. How perfect is that?? Now I’m starting to get excited for the holiday. We all re-watched the movie last night for character study.

I went to Bobby’s student-lead conferences last week, and I have to say, (luckily) it was a bit of a waste of time. Everyone just said Bobby was doing great (yay). What I really wanted was to know what each teacher has planned for the year, but I guess that only happens at Back to School night, which I always miss because it’s always the first night of my event. I’m always a bit taken aback when I see how dirty and disorganized both kids’ schools are - the buildings are in terrible disrepair and strewn with trash. But hey - public schools in a big city. I’m sure mine were no different, I just don’t remember. 

In the background of our pleasant daily lives is all sorts of chaos - the shocking optics of the destruction of the east wing of the White House yesterday, the ceasefire in Gaza falling apart, the corruption and lawsuits, the government shutdown that may never end. It directly impacts us because all year I’ve been waiting for open enrollment to get the H on my healthcare plan, and that may not be possible now. He may not be able to have any health insurance at all, with rates skyrocketing. I’m not really sure what we’re going to do. If Newsom wants to be president badly enough he would find a way to get universal healthcare for California. Boy would that be great!

Murals and musings

Our mural is complete - the artist worked on it over the weekend and then a couple of days this week, weather permitting. I think it lends a nice air of whimsy to this place, now that we’ve transitioned from trying to hide (which doesn’t work, anyway - everyone knows we’re there). Once again I found myself crunching numbers to see how much it would cost to live out there, just for my own entertainment. Almost nothing, as it turns out - if I didn’t have this house to maintain, my basic expenses would run about $1000, just for me. It’s very tempting to sell this place and just exile myself out there and live off the proceeds and never do a day of work again. But, I have two kids that need to go to school, and I’m not really up for an exile in the desert, not yet. But I have to admit it’s nice to know that’s an option. 

Bobby announced he’s going to his school’s homecoming with his girlfriend and needed an outfit, so I tortured myself with a visit to the brand new chaotic Ross in our neighborhood. I got him some cheap clothes, including black pants, a black button up shirt, and dress shoes. When we got home we did a cull of his current clothes, and unfortunately all the men’s small band shirts I bought him no longer fit. But the good news is I can wear them, and also this gives lots of Christmas present ideas. At least he still wants to wear band shirts.

It’s funny to think that you need to be taught how to shop - he has no concept of how to find his way around a store, how to find his size, how to pick things he likes, how to try something on and determine if it works or not. He just sort of looks at me helplessly. And I’m no help because I positively loathe shopping, especially of not vintage things, and especially in places like that. With that said, I plan on hitting up Jet Rag, my favorite vintage clothing store, tomorrow to look for items for my fall Dark Academia look. I’m mostly looking for 70s velvet blazers, metallic belts, and maybe a mesh necktie necklace. I’m trying to evolve my look from cottagecore to soft goth, and trying to do it cheaply. We’ll see how it goes. 

I asked Bobby if he wants to join the protest Saturday, something I’ve never done before. He said he would. My only concern is leaving Theo alone, especially if something were to “happen”. So I’m not 100% sure I want Bobby going only because we need a free babysitter. But I also want him to start getting involved with this stuff - he’s old enough, and I give the boys daily updates on the political goings-on when we drive to and from school, so they’re both very aware of the fuckery going on.

Halloween has so far been very low key this year. Neither kid has any idea what they want to be, and they don’t seem to really care. The H will take them shopping maybe this weekend - my request, since he likes doing it, and, as previously stated, I hate shopping - hopefully they’ll come up with something they like. For me, I was burned out on Halloween by 11 or 12, so I can see how these kids just don’t have the enthusiasm they used to. They still seem to want to go trick or treating, though - although it’s funny to think that our years of doing that with the kids are numbered, too - two, maybe three years from now, they’ll be over it. Time is moving so fast these days. I often think of how huge Kid’s Klub, their babysitter and preschool, was in our lives for several years - and then, one day, poof! We just never went there again, and never will. Next Friday is the Halloween carnival at Theo’s school, and that, too, will probably be the last one we’ll ever go to, since the jr/sr high doesn’t have stuff like that. In June Theo graduates, and the days of driving up Eagle Rock Blvd to and from school every day are gone forever. I’m going to have to figure out a whole new drop off/pick up routine, and it probably won’t involve the library anymore unless I’m out of town. And that’ll be our routine for six more years. And then - all of this is over. It’s mind boggling, really, how fast it all goes. 

Spooky season

My two remaining band trips for the year are done - Chicago and Eureka, CA - so now’s the time of year where I pull my head out of the event-planning sand, take a look around, and think of things in my environment that need fixing or upgrading. 

After getting my beat up and broken drip line system fixed, I’ve got plans to plant up the planters in my yard - not with edibles, since they always get destroyed by the local fauna, but maybe this time some nice native plants, preferably perennials, preferably with pretty flowers I can make bouquets with. I’ve tried this and failed many times, but hey, hope springs eternal. I have fond memories of helping my grandmother populate her planter every Memorial Day with pansies and other pretty, colorful flowers for her to enjoy all summer in rural Connecticut - since I’m in the upside down where summer stretches into November and now is the best time to plant, I figured I’d give it a shot. 

We head to the desert tonight to meet with our muralist to get started. It’s going to be odd having someone out there with us; no running around naked, I guess! But I’m excited to get it started (and hopefully finished). I’m also excited to be out there in prime season - not too hot, not too cold. It kills me that every year two of the best weekends (end of Sept, beginning of Oct) get taken by band travel, but I did make $2000 which is paying for this mural, so there you go. I’m planning on heading out in about a month with friends, and then hoping we can replicate last year’s Thanksgiving dinner in the desert-stay until Sunday-trip. I’d like to do some projects out there (hook up my kitchen sink, set up a patio by the container), and also take a day to head up to the Mojave National Preserve and hike the Rings Trail like we did during the pandemic, and maybe hit up the lava tube which we’ve never made it to before. I just love that area. 

The local revival theater has lots of great classic horror films this month, so I’m taking Bobby to Night of the Living Dead, Poltergeist, and the family to ET and Ghost World. I wanted to take him to Carrie but decided that might be too gnarly so am going with a friend instead. Something shifted in his brain around puberty - suddenly, he can handle scary things. Theo is still a hard no. It’ll be interesting to see when/if that changes for him. 

I recruited Theo into helping me make banana bread, and we had a blast. So much so that I decided to buy a cute vintage cookie jar (natch) and set a goal to make cookies together from time to time. He does have an interest in cooking and baking, and executes things well, so why not? I’m worried about having sugary things around, but hell, I’m off the wait loss train until January. It’s completely impossible to lose weight at the holidays, so, fuck it. Hopefully the kids will eat most of the things we make. I only got two slices of the banana bread, so there you go. 

The future of our health insurance hangs in the balance, as it does for all Americans right now. I did get the usual rate increase notification, and it’s just slightly more than typical, but I’ve been waiting until November to get the H on my plan and apply through the ACA so it doesn’t cost a fortune; the Republicans could screw all that up for us. Even if I apply and get us a discount now, that doesn’t mean our rate won’t go through the roof in January. Like so many angry Democrats, part of me wants everyone, including myself, to get temporarily screwed over so that maybe, just maybe, people will get mad enough to finally bring the orange turd’s reign of horror to an end. I have zero predictions as to what’s going to happen with this government shutdown other than, as with last time, lack of air traffic controllers will probably be a deciding factor. Thank goodness even billionaires with private jets need air traffic controllers. 

The Fall

This time - mid-September through October - is really my best time of year. My event is freshly over, and although I have ideas for next year, I don’t have to implement any of them yet. The boys are in school, it’s time to plan for the holidays, we have Southern California delayed summer. It’s a whole thing. I see my usual flood of emails instantly reduce to a mere trickle, and while this is jarring, it’s also kind of great.

I spent the weekend in Chicago at a dance event we’re hired for every year. It was a good time. Thanks to my new expanded event schedule which left me less exhausted and fed up, I had more energy going in to this event, so had the spoons to have lots of good conversations and bonding time with people I don’t get to see very often. I only have four days at home and then I head up to a jazz festival in northern Cal next weekend. That event for me has been a bit isolating because my band leader, who has the car, works at the event a lot more than I do, so I find myself alone and stranded much of the time. However, a close friend is coming this time, and we’re planning on getting out to see the redwoods, which would be amazing. So I expect this trip will be better than the previous. 

Yesterday while I was bored at the airport, I got alerted that someone was on the porch, so I had a look, and it was Bobby on his phone. I could hear some loud voices - not angry or anything, just loud - coming from the phone, then he got up and walked around to one side of the house, then immediately went around to the other side, then must have gone back into the house through the back door (why was that open?). The H was at work at this time. It was puzzling. What the heck was he doing? I’m dying to ask him, but I don’t want him to know I was watching him. It just reminded me that sometimes with teenagers you just don’t want to know what they’re up to. Lord knows my mother would have died if she’d known all the dangerous shit I got up to when I was just a year older than him. We trust these kids to be home alone and outside of our purview - we trust that they won’t eat things they’re not supposed to or go through our things or steal money or do anything dangerous or destructive - but the fact is, we have no idea what they do when we’re not here. I like to think they’re just playing video games or scrolling through YouTube shorts, but who knows? I was such a hyper vigilant mother when they were little - unless they were in their room at night, they were never out of my sight, not even for a minute - but it’s hit me that those days of constant surveillance are over. At some point these kids will want to hang out with their friends after school, or on weekends, and there’s nothing I can do to keep them safe. Theo already has been going to stores after school and buying pizza and boba with his friends without asking or telling us; I wondered if I should tell him not to do this, but honestly, he’s old enough. I did the same at his age, and it’s time he learned a little independence. After all, next year they’ll be at the same school, and I might have them start taking the public bus home, since it picks them up right in front of school and drops them really close to home. 

Speaking of being at the same school, in just two days I apply for Theo to get into the gifted magnet at Bobby’s school, and we get an answer in March. I have a (perhaps) irrational fear that he won’t make it, based on the fact that he’s been waitlisted for the gifted program every year up until now (even though that’s a different situation since that program at his current school doesn’t have much space). He has tons of “points” thanks to my having applied every year, and he has sibling points thanks to his brother, but I still worry. He’s a smart kid and I don’t want to see him fall behind. Already I’m not thrilled with how 6th grade is starting out - he rarely has homework, and talks about the movies they watch at school. Huh? I guess I’ll withhold judgment until I meet this teacher at the parent-teacher conference. 

It appears the bots are at it again - I noticed this phenomenon during the 2016 election, wherein my blog posts that normally get about 50-60 views suddenly started getting hundreds, and then this sharply dropped off the minute the election was over. The same thing is happening here - hundreds of views on all my most recent posts, but no comments or followers. I know at this point after all these years I probably only have a tiny group of people who check in occasionally to see what’s happening in our mundane lives (thank you!), so there’s no way my post on Bobby’s new girlfriend got 800 page views. Crazy. 

It’s happening….!

So yesterday as I was driving the kids home from school, I noticed Bobby was wearing this black bracelet that I’d been seeing around the house. “Where did you get that?” I casually asked. “My girlfriend gave it to me.” Theo piped in from the back seat, “oh yeah, Bobby has a girlfriend.”

I’m not ashamed to admit I sputtered like Daffy Duck for a few minutes. How-? When-? And most importantly, who-??? All the while looking at my tiny baby’s goofy grin as he told me some basic details that I only half heard because I was being deafened by the sound of one of my ovaries dying. 

So apparently her name is Jasmeen (I think) and at the end of school last year her friend passed him a note. They still do that??? How charming. He showed me a picture of a cute Asian girl taking a picture of herself in the mirror. He says they mostly just walk around school and talk. He said she plays video games but mostly is “really different”. I’m going to guess not many kids his age listen to Devo, so no surprises there. I said if he ever wanted to take her on a proper date that we’d drop him off and give him money and stuff. And that was pretty much it. Of course I wanted tons of information, but I sensed there wasn’t much to be had. I reiterated my speech about no nudes being asked for nor sent. He said he would never do that. Ok then. 

I asked Theo if kids in his class had boyfriends or girlfriends and he said some, but it’s mostly kids talking about liking each other. I asked if there was anyone he liked and he said no. 

I did not have “Bobby gets a girlfriend” on my fall 2025 bingo card. Neither did I have CK’s killer as most likely doing that because he was in love with a trans person and felt the need to do some grand defensive act, but here we are. I always imagined Bobby as being a late bloomer due to his shyness…but I have to admit, the kid’s got swagger. He just does. My prayer for these boys is that their early relationships, unlike mine, will be devoid of the gut wrenching terror of abandonment that being repeatedly abandoned by both parents causes. May they have normal relationship drama and make good choices, unlike me at that age. 

Just a few days ago Bobby had become obsessed with finding a bag of watch parts I said I had, and so we went through some of my old boxes of childhood stuff. In one I found a long lost wallet, one my mother had made in home ec class in high school in the 50s that I then went on to use in high school in the 80s. In it was a fascinating time capsule - an old subway pass, my Amnesty International card, my church membership card, a pass to the teen club The Saint, and a name tag tagged by a graffiti artist that probably had some significance I no longer remember. As time moves forward, I become more and more disconnected from that girl, even though she’s still me. Will Bobby even remember this first girlfriend when he’s my age? Will he even remember himself? I wonder. 

Season opening

This weekend we returned to the desert for the first time in three months to open the place back up. Thankfully, much like last year, the only damage in the place was the usual dust and a couple of dead bugs. It was clear water had pooled all around the place from recent storms, which was a bit worrying, but didn’t get inside. We only went for one night - I took Bobby to a Grandaddy concert on Friday, which was wonderful - and that’s probably for the best, because even in the low 90s, with no power, it’s just too damned hot. 

The main purpose for this visit, other than squeezing in a visit this month before we’re occupied the next three weekends, was to meet with the mural painter, who came by this morning. He’s going to knock out a mural on our container featuring our favorite desert animal, the kangaroo rat, during our next visit in October. I’m thrilled at the prospect. Post-event present to myself, unlocked!

I have a couple more big payments to make before I can officially close the books on this year - and I’m a little alarmed at how little money I have left. I’ll still survive, but I think it’s safe to say there will be no splurging of any kind - I only hope I’m not hit with some sudden expensive home repair or healthcare cost or something like that. I’m going to have to seriously rein it in as far as travel for us. Again, not hard to do. We can spend Thanksgiving week and spring break at the cabin (that’s what it’s for, after all), Christmas break in Florida, and by summer I’ll have some sense of what I’m looking at for next year’s event. We’re all going to have to just buckle up for 2026, I’m afraid. Things are going to get crazy, and not in a good way. 

How it went

So. Here we are, about a week after the event. How do I feel about it? Good! Honestly, other than one horrible incident, everything went the smoothest it’s ever gone, even with the extra day, even with all the new things I added in. Turns out pretty much everything I added, worked - people loved the new contests, the new schedule, the extra things I added in. Every bet I made succeeded - spreading things out and allowing for breaks completely changed the feel of the event. It no longer felt like a steamroller out of control - I felt like I could pace myself, take breaks, and tackle each day with new energy. It was great. 

Despite my fears for the state of affairs in 2026, I will keep the extra day. The hotel contract people finally got back to me during the event and gave me a really shitty offer if I took off Thursday, raising my rates and taking off staff rooms, etc etc. That sealed the deal. Thursday stays. 

I did still end up 100 people behind last year, but thankfully financially it doesn’t seem to have mattered much - I sold more night dance tickets, and I’m still ahead with a small cushion similar to last year. I will still express caution, however - no big expenditures this year until we know how next year is going to go. Next year could still be rough. 

Despite all the good vibes this year, there was one horrible racial incident that I knew was bound to happen sooner or later. One of my teaching couples also runs teams, and this year on Friday night they presented a team that started with an older black actress, a friend of mine, playing the role of Tituba (the team routine had a Crucible theme - why anyone thought this was appropriate, baffles me to no end). Her costume was very jarring - clearly she was dressed as a slave - and everyone freaked out. Within a day, someone had spread it all over the internet, with of course my event taking the hit, not the people involved, which is how it goes. I found the actress in the hallway and pulled her aside to tell her what was going on, and she was immediately sobbing and embarrassed. To her, she was playing a historical character and didn’t see why anyone would be offended by that. And that was part of my conflict with it, too, was that she played that character with her own free will, and who are we to judge her choices, as a black woman? Let’s just say it was more complicated than if a white woman had played that role in blackface, or something like that. Suffice it to say, from that moment forward, the entire event for me was mitigating this crisis - calling people into meetings, trying to figure out a strategy on how to address it, long conversations with everyone involved. I deferred to an elder black woman who was there to run a discussion panel on race and is a board member of the NAACP. Her advice initially was that both she and the choreographer, a white man, should make a public speech about the intent of the piece, probably during awards. But then by Monday morning she had changed her mind and decided she didn’t want to “feed the bear” - that her take was it was art, it was about historical figures, and nobody should be offended by it. So we did not make a social media statement about it nor address it during the event. The video of the routine was taken down, and the team got last place (because that’s where the judges put them). There was literally nothing I could have done that would have pleased everyone, and so I deferred to this person who I respect a great deal who is also very respected within the community.

Once I got home, there was a FB thread from fans of this white teacher/choreographer stating their annoyance that the video was still down, with the actress chiming in as well. I reached out to her to ask if it was her wish that I re-post the video. Let me make it very clear that every decision I made all along was to protect HER - keeping it quiet, not making a big statement, taking down the video - because she was so mortified and so afraid of being held up as some kind of traitor, etc. The whole time she was in the meetings I was hugging her and comforting her and telling her it wasn’t her fault and she did nothing wrong and that she gave a great performance. She responded to the text that she would only want the video posted if she could be edited out. We tried this, but it was pretty much impossible, so left it down. That was the last contact we had.

A day later she posted a live video on FB and IG which I watched with utter disbelief. Somehow she managed to twist this whole story around to paint me as this cold, money-grubbing organizer who only ever gave a shit about my reputation and my bottom line, and I believe she even called me a racist at one point. Gone were the hours I spent comforting her and building her up and protecting her at my own reputational expense - now I’m just some heartless white bitch who was only concerned about myself the whole time. How I became a villain in this I have no idea - I can only speculate she’s trying to deflect responsibility for taking on that role on to me and the other guy (who certainly deserves more blame than I do!!). The way she made up things I said, and went into this ugly, mocking tone every time she quoted me, was really high school and gross. She was just painting me as the typical racist white lady - all sing-songy and “nice” but secretly a snake and a racist. Wtf. I was absolutely FURIOUS. 

One of the elements of this was the fact that both this lady and the other lady I deferred to were convinced only white people were offended (on behalf of black people), and they found that offensive. I knew it was a variety of people, based on what my safety manager told me. Much to my enjoyment, at the end of her video she invites a younger black woman on to the video with her who, despite declaring me and the event as a whole racist, also points out that black people were offended by the performance. You can see the surprise on the actress’ face when she says this. Within 24 hours the live video mysteriously disappeared from both FB and IG. I can only speculate that the videos didn’t get her the attention and praise she was seeking, or that the woman I deferred to all weekend told her to take them down. 

How much damage was done because of all this? It’s hard to say. If what the younger woman on the video says is true, there is damage to my reputation in the black community that I may never be able to repair. But I also know I have a lot of fans in that community who see all the work I’ve been doing and see this situation for what it is - the fault of the choreographer, not me. Now I have the unpleasant task of deciding if I should fire this particular teacher who I have a long time relationship with but who is also known to be kind of clueless and behind the times, and who has both devoted fans and people who hate his guts. One of my more prominent black teachers asked to speak with me next week and I’m wondering if the teachers of color are going to say they won’t work for me if he’s on the payroll. I would respect that, and it certainly would make my decision easier. But no matter what I do here, people are going to be mad. And I’m really pissed I was put in this position. 

I feel horribly betrayed by this woman I thought was a friend - we had lunch some time ago, so she’s not someone I didn’t know at all - and believe me, when you’ve spent your entire life being aware of racial issues and championing causes for oppressed people, to have your character publicly assassinated and be made to look like one of those nice-on-the-outside-fake-as-fuck white women who I also despise, is utterly infuriating, especially when you know she’s just throwing you under the bus to cover her own ass. You can only hope and pray that people who think critically will see through it, while also accepting that many people will not and will always just think of you as “that racist who profits off of a black dance”. Sigh. 

Anywayyyyy…I refuse to let this stupid incident stain the weekend for me - other than one other odd moment in which an old friend made these hideous AI posters for me that were supposed to be making fun of how bad AI is (huh?) and everyone got all angry at me for using AI art which I also absolutely hate, everything else was pretty much flawless. 

And at least in this moment I feel financially secure, although I’m preparing to lose more people next year as prices go up and economics continue to get worse. 

Now I’m just finishing up paying people, planning next year, and preparing to head out to the desert to see about getting that mural painted on our container. These are things I care about right now. 

Closing in

First let me say that, although I’m sure nobody but me cares about this, the app I’ve been using to blog on my phone has crapped out (being phased out? Who knows. All I know is it deleted an existing post and won’t post anything anymore) so now I’m posting via the web which is just wonky enough that it makes me less inclined to post. I’m sure I’ll get past the general inconvenience of it, but that’s why I haven’t said much despite a lot going on.

As I think I noted last time, my attendance has fallen off a cliff - I’ve still probably only gotten 20 or so people registered this entire month, when usually it’s 200-300 people. I’m currently down anywhere from 150-200 people from last year, depending on the day, and with people still only sliding in at one or less a day, I don’t see this dramatically changing in the next five days. So the thing I feared all along since the election but never saw the slightest indication of has finally happened in the 11th hour - I’m down about 15%. Which, surprisingly, I can manage to weather financially just this one time - the event is paid for as of a couple of days ago, and my early ticket sales will pay for me to live until February as long as I live frugally. Beyond that is a giant black hole.

But I did make the executive decision to pull the extra day from my remaining two contracts. At this point I think I’d be crazy to assume things will magically be better next year - I think they’ll be far, far worse, honestly - so I need to really gird my loins and cut corners and just try to survive the next few years. I hate that this is where my business is at at nearly 30 years - at this point I should be successful and thriving and just coasting - but as the H reminds me, every business is suffering under Trump, especially ones like mine that aren’t essential in people’s lives and involve tourism. And ups and downs are to be expected - I’ve seen many. So it’s time to retract. I think I found a way to keep most of the new things without the extra day. It can be done. 

I reached out to my new contract lady, who answered me via WhatsApp because she’s on vacation in Australia (thankfully she answered!). She said she’d take my request to whatever team handles it - there’s still a chance they’ll just straight up say no or try to penalize me in some way - I just hope I get an answer before the event starts and I have to start selling tickets. I think it shouldn’t be a problem, though - I’ve done it before, and they know my numbers are down, and my contact told me the hotel has been very slow this summer. So everyone’s feeling it.

Beyond the annoyance of all that (and knowing if Kamala were president none of this would be happening), the operations of the event are fine, I guess? I’ve never had teachers be so flaky about getting me class titles - at this point for the first time ever I may just have to print up schedules with blanks on them. Everyone is being very last minute and it’s driving me nuts. So my work has also been dragged out far later than usual because of everyone else’s slacking, so I have more last minute tasks than I normally allow. But it’s all under control. I have a fairly low key weekend, thankfully, except for having to be bandleader in the scorching heat tomorrow (last Knott’s appearance, thank god) so I can get a lot of the more fiddly tasks done. Then two more days and then I pack up and head to the hotel Wednesday. Honestly, I’m relieved this is the last year starting on Thursday - I think it’s going to be exhausting, and I think at the end of it all of us are going to be secretly or not-so secretly wishing it still started on Friday. So now we (hopefully) get to return to that after just one year. Everyone will understand, especially if I keep the extra stuff they like, which I will. This also makes the school situation much better for us since this year it’s super complicated getting me to the hotel Wednesday but the kids still have school Thursday. It’s messy.

In other news, the start of school has gone well - Theo fills me in every day about his “kinder helper” tasks which is beyond adorable; Bobby is annoyed he has to put his phone in a pouch every day (I also think this is stupid) and complains a lot about having to be back at school and all the homework; I guess I can’t blame him, I’m sure I did the same. Especially when I was in 8th grade and things started to get really hard and involve a lot more work, which they have for him, too. 

So this may be my last post before my event. I’m sure we’ll have the usual dramas and failures but I’m just hoping everything runs as it should, people buy tickets for next year, and I can exhale for a few months. See you on the other side. 

First day of 6th & 8th grade

Summer is officially over - the boys started 6th and 8th grade today. It’s the first year in two years that nobody is starting a new school, which means the anxiety level is much lower than usual. Since the kids are apparently past the school supply age (neither class had any info on what was needed), I just stuffed their back packs with left over folders, spiral notebooks, pens and pencils from previous years, and left it at that. I figure as long as they have something to write with and write on, we’re good.

Theo’s school didn’t announce the teacher assignments until yesterday, so on our way to lunch we all dropped by the school to see who Theo got. It’s another teacher I’ve never heard of; I hope this year goes better than last. Bobby, in a rare moment of affection, said it was weird that this was the last year we would ever be looking for teacher assignments for Theo - he said, to him, Theo would always be in third grade. Hard agree. 

This morning we were all discombobulated and off our game, and we weren’t the only ones - there was a horrific traffic jam leading up to Theo’s school, to the point that I had Theo hop out and walk (I’m going to guess he barely made it by the final bell). Bobby’s school, further down the road a few blocks, was also pandemonium. I don’t remember it being like that last year, although we may have come a different way. 

This year as his elective Bobby chose something called Music Lab, which of course delighted me. Although most likely it’s just composing music on software which is something he already does (one of his songs was chosen for use by a video game he plays), I’m hoping it’ll spark something in him. 

So now we’re back to our old habits. Even though it’s only been two months, it feels like an eternity since I was getting up this early, picking up kids from the library, making sure they do homework, etc etc. I’m kind of glad they started on Thursday so we can ease into it. I’m guessing not much will happen at school in these two days. 

For me, I’m in the thick of it with my event - long to do lists every day that keep getting put off by endless customer service emails. The latest mess was messaging everyone to remind them that the new Thursday night dance is not included in the weekend pass, after seeing that only about 10% of attendees had bought tickets for that night. This unfortunately caused a flood of angry emails of people feeling like they were being ripped off and swearing this was never advertised (it was, clearly, from day one). I had to call an emergency meeting with my staff to figure out what to do when 800 angry people show up on Thursday, shocked that they’re being required to shell out even more money. Because I guarantee only a small portion of people even read that email. Some thought they had a special pass that included the dance (there’s no such thing). Others thought because they were in a dance contest that night that they didn’t need a ticket (what? How…?). Chalk this up to an endless series of “how could you possibly think that??” To me all of this was crystal clear - but obviously not understood by 90% of attendees. I realized I can’t do this this way ever again - but then that eliminates much needed revenue from those tickets (and no, raising the weekend pass price won’t help, because I’m already doing that next year to cover other expenses, and I can only raise it so much). 

Put this together with the fact that, as of this month, my registration is falling off a cliff. There is now no doubt that I will lose people - I’m guessing 100, possibly 150. Which is not good, and what I had feared all along, yet, bizarrely, was not apparent until two weeks ago. Up until end of July I had consistently had exactly the same amount of people as last year, and then BAM, I’m now 50+ people behind. There’s no way I’m going to catch up in two weeks; I’ll be lucky to not lose 150 people. It really sucks, because if I’d had any kind of heads-up I at least could have prepared more. But here we are two weeks out and I’m suddenly looking at being behind by $30,000 - $50,000. I’m just hoping the money I make during the event is enough to just pay for it, and that I sell enough advance tickets during the weekend to survive until February. I hope I just hang in there, although I fear economic and political situations will only get worse by 2026. I don’t feel a need to cancel the extra things I’ve added, although if it gets to February and my attendance is tanking, I may not have a choice. I’ve been through economic downturns before and always survived - I have no mortgage anymore, we can do cheap camping trips, I can tighten the belt as needed. But the worry with events is always that you’ll lose that momentum - as people stop coming, people stop coming - nobody wants to go to a dying event that everyone’s decided isn’t the place to be anymore. I hope to god that isn’t my fate! I need this thing to at least last another 17 years!!

Three weeks out

The event is three weeks away and I’ve got the usual “oh my god how am I going to get all of this done” panic, with the knowledge that it will all get done, actually, like it always does. Friday I went out to the shed and poked around in last year’s boxes, which is always an odd time capsule. The boxes themselves were filthy, and it took me over two hours in the stifling heat to inventory and select the band t shirts which annoyed me to no end. I also discovered that a couple hundred dollars in unsold jackets got ruined by being placed in front of a window in a clear box, something I would have been mindful of but obviously whoever stacked that there didn’t think about. Sigh.

Right now the thing I had been worried about all year might actually, finally, be coming true, which is my sales have completely dried up since the price increase on the 1st, and I am now about 50 people behind last year, the biggest gap I’ve seen yet. I’m starting to think that prediction that I could lose 100-200 people because of Trump’s bullshit just might finally start happening in these last three weeks, despite being completely at par up until ten days ago. It’s mind blowing that there was zero indication of anything amiss until just now at the 11th hour, but here we are. Could it still turn around? Maybe, but that hasn’t been the case since the pandemic - usually the final month is pretty slow. I think there’s a chance I could break 1000, but that still puts me 100 people behind the last three years (and $30,000 less in revenue, plus the $30,000 extra I’m paying for the extra year, putting me $60,000 less than last year. Ugh). It’s been dead as a doornail for nearly two weeks; I think I’ve gotten maybe ten people? So I might have to accept that I’m going to lose a significant amount of people this year, and prepare for more as this country continues to go down the shitter. God, what does 2026 have in store for us?? I don’t even want to think about it.

We have three days at home with no school this week before the kids start school - tomorrow we’re spending the day at a waterpark (probably not a great idea since Mondays are busy for me - it’s going to be hard to turn off and relax), then hanging around at home, then school. Bobby still has to do one of his summer reading book reports, and I still have to get information about what they’re doing Thursday (Bobby’s classes, Theo’s teacher). I figure I’ll just send them in with a few supplies we have at home - notebooks, pens, pencils - and take it from there. Boy is this school start less stressful than last year!! Everyone is familiar with their environment, and we have a system in place for timely pickups (remember last year how I spent two hours each afternoon driving back and forth to pick them up? Omg!), so unlike last year I’m barely focused on their return to school. Weird how that changes.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m coming to realize I had some wrong ideas about parenting, as far as, how long I would actually be an involved parent. I think based on my own experience - remember, I was pretty much on my own at fourteen - I thought that once these kids are college-aged, I basically would never see them again. So I’ve been planning every vacation like it’s our last, and feeling like time is running out for us to exist as a family; but I’m starting to realize that that doesn’t have to be true. I mean, sure, I could cut them loose and just let them live private lives at a certain point, and some element of that is healthy and necessary. But certainly we can continue to do family trips well into their adulthood - why not? And with housing as it is and college as expensive as it is, there’s a very real possibility that they will both be living here a lot longer than just through high school. I don’t see any scenario in which either of these kids will be able to live in a dorm for four years; and moving out at all is going to be challenging. So as much as they’ll continue to grow and be independent and I’ll of course encourage that, it’s also not the late eighties/early nineties in which young adults can get a low-wage job and have their own apartments, not in LA, anyway. Not now. Maybe in five years if we overthrow this fascist regime, but I’m not going to hold my breath. 

Midsummer

My event is starting to hit in earnest. Just 4 1/2 weeks to go, nearly a week of which I’ll be gone to NY for a very intimidating stint singing with a trio at Birdland (I leave Thursday). 

I don’t feel crazed yet - everything feels well mapped out and under control - but I did take a bit of a knock down of enthusiasm when two people tried fighting with me over my policies (and it’s the same argument I have several times a year, and it drives me absolutely bonkers), and it reminded me of how gnarly things are about to get, as it’s the final month and all the chaotic people start coming out of the woodwork with their multitudinous problems and issues that I have to somehow magically fix (usually by bending the rules). Sigh. It’s not pleasant, but here is where I start earning the money. 

It’s the boys’ penultimate week of rec center camp. According to Theo, there are no other kids their age there - the closest kid to his age is nine, and this week I noticed on the sign-in sheet that Bobby was the only CIT. I had been hoping we could push this camp for at least a couple more years, but now I’m wondering if they’re going to tell me next year that they don’t want to go anymore. Again, this is a problem for another time. But it’s obvious this particular camp is skewed towards little kids - most are in the 5-7 ballpark - so I don’t know how much appeal it’ll continue to have, honestly. At the moment they’re not complaining about it - I think on some level they like being out of the house doing activities rather than being glued to screens indoors all day - and I don’t ask their opinion on it. Grateful to have this inexpensive resource, for now. 

I’ve been in “tackle your demons” mode lately, so decided to address head-on the issue of my painful toe and how I end up limping through all my singing gigs (this is a lot more apparent now as I’m singing more often than usual). I had a sad moment where I realized I just can’t wear any of my shoes anymore. The combination of even the slightest heel and a tight toe box leave me in excruciating pain; but finding wide enough shoes that still look somewhat dressy and vintage that aren’t Mary Janes seems like a unicorn. After extensive research I actually found at least one pair that works - I’ve ordered three online, returned one, and am waiting on one more. I’m glad I have one pair to bring to NYC. I hope the other pair arrives in time and is workable. I need these for my event, too. No more screwing around, I need to fix this problem, pronto. I’ll save my actual heels for when I get a cortisone shot and can live pain-free for a few weeks each year. 

So soon we’ll be in school mode; it’ll be the last year that Theo will have one teacher, and I’ll be scrambling to see who he got and who’s in his class. I keep checking both their school sites for supply lists but there aren’t any yet; I may end up just sending them in with some notebooks and pens and pencils and see if that’s good enough. Thankfully we have so many leftovers from previous years that I may not have to actually buy anything. I’m going to have an eighth grader. Crazy!

53, and ten years

I am 53 today. And ten years ago last night I met the H, which, as I discovered by reading blog posts from the time, I used to refer to as Blown-Out 80s Rockabilly Tattoo Guy. Ha! He still has that blown-out tattoo, and I now have two of my own.

To celebrate, we went to the restaurant where we met, which has unfortunately turned into a terribly reviewed cheap pizza joint, so we just snapped a quick picture and walked to a nearby sushi place instead for our actual dinner.

It’s funny looking back on that night in 2015. How I had had dinner with a friend I am sadly no longer in contact with after we lost touch when she moved to the east coast, but back then, she was one of my closest friends. I was tired and fed up with what I had recently experienced from online dating - the cool, sexy movie nerd guy who blew up at me when I called him out for not texting me back for several days (now, looking back, realizing he probably had an issue with alcohol and definitely anger issues), the weird probably rapist guy who ghosted me, and all the other multitudinous rejections and misfires. I wasn’t excited about meeting this new guy - I liked his enthusiasm but was put off by his bad spelling and grammar. Still, I walked across the street to meet him, and immediately liked his kind, engaged vibe, his intensity, his stories of his difficult past. I felt like he would “get” me. And he did, in more ways than one.

Ten years is a LONG time. The difference between 43 and 53 is immense, but, as I had hoped, at 53 I still feel “like myself”. I still feel joy and contentment and normalcy, even with everything going on in this country. Having long felt that my mother lost her mind at this age and never really recovered - it was around now she started having that “mysterious ailment” that went on to kill her 25 years later - I was always worried about hitting this age. But, so far, so good. My periods are regular but erratic (always early or late but always show up), so I’m far from actual menopause, and who knows what I’ll be like when that starts happening, but as of this moment I still feel normal and competent. I hate that staying at a healthy weight is almost impossible now (it was effortless at 43), I hate that my arthritic toe makes my life difficult and painful every single day, I hate that I’m now blind as a bat. But I feel mentally sharp and physically capable, and am very much enjoying this phase of life with two mid-aged kids who are largely independent and easy to be around. We talked a bit last night about how hard it was being a mother of two young boys - it was really, really brutal at times - and how I often contemplated therapy or anti-depressants when in fact it was mostly the relentlessness of raising toddlers and preschoolers that was getting to me. Suddenly that weight lifted when Theo started school. I think my mother dying right around that time was also a big shift for the better, honestly. Everything has looked up since then.

And the four of us have so far survived a pandemic and two god-awful Drumf regimes (so far, anyway), and somehow I’m still in this house (paid off!) and still running my event (27 years!) and my relationship still stands despite the expected petty grievances and complaints (when my sister was visiting last week, I took out two large empty juice containers from the refrigerator left there by the H and said, “exhibit A”). 

I worry for the future, for sure - I worry about the environment, I worry about how the hell we’re going to pay for college, where these kids will be able to get jobs and afford to live, will they end up in their childhood bedroom well into their 30s and 40s, with no relationships and no jobs, depressed and smoking weed like so many young men today? Is that the future we’re preparing them for? Unlike the future I faced in the early 90s, which seemed bleak with talk of recession and the coming computerization of everything, but still, a young girl with no college degree like me could still land a decent office job, get an apartment, and a few years later even manage to buy a house. Will these kids have those opportunities (or luck)? I worry about this all the time. Thankfully at least they have a loving launchpad in us and this house, and they’re both smart, capable kids (and Theo has exceptional interpersonal skills, which will get him far). 

For me, right now everything is just fine - event is still going well (on par with last year, still), feel healthy, kids enjoying their summer. I can’t believe how quickly school is starting up again. No matter what it’s going to be a tight year financially due to the extra day of the event and having robbed from this year to pay off the house last October, but I have zero problem with spending our vacations in the desert (except next summer, of course) or camping. 

Here’s to another ten years. Things are going to look wildly different by then!

For the country that should be, not the one that is

Thank goodness a like minded friend invited us to a low key BBQ on the 4th with the intention of providing a refuge for those of us who didn’t feel like celebrating. I definitely didn’t feel like going to our usual high school fireworks show, not after the bill of course passed after the entire GOP caved (much to my endless revulsion, turns out some of these holdouts were only holding out to force a meet and greet with Trump for some free merch - kill me now). 

So we made the long drive up to Lompoc, picking up a friend on the way, and it was exactly what we all needed. We stuffed our faces and talked for hours about our fears. My host had just gotten her kids their first passports and was looking into dual citizenship with Mexico. Funnily enough, late the night before I had emailed a Brazilian law firm that specializes in dual citizenship to see what it would entail. This is something I’ve considered for years but never taken any steps towards. The short answer from the lawyer is yes, my birth certificate showing my father as born in Brazil would be enough, and it would cost $1500. I can, of course, do it myself through a consulate and not pay a lawyer fee. But I do have to ask myself what the purpose of it is, and if it’s worth doing. Brazilian citizenship comes with certain obligations - I would have to vote in their elections, and they do have compulsory military service for young men (if, say, we fled to Brazil as a family and I got citizenship for the boys). Since it’s not just me as an individual but me and a husband and two children, the idea of being able to “flee” quickly is kind of moot - leaving them behind isn’t an option. And to have a passport I believe requires fluency in Portuguese. So, it’s complicated. It’s nice to have a fantasy escape plan, but I don’t think this is a practical plan. Brazil wouldn’t be my escape country of choice - anywhere in Europe would make way more sense. And if it’s about possibly retiring to somewhere, like France, as a kinder, gentler place to live my golden years, I can do that without being a citizen. 

So the kids had fun with the illegal fireworks (our running joke all night was “what laws? We’re not a country of laws anymore!!”), we made the almost three hour drive home safely, and I’ve just been puttering around doing errands and working on my event all weekend. My sister comes in for a week tomorrow night and the boys start their local rec center camp tomorrow. After a few days of sleeping in, from now on every day is accounted for until school resumes in six weeks. 

I have to say, the “feral summer” days haven’t been too bad. The kids entertain themselves (with screens…) and I can pretty much go about my days as I usually would, since they can be left alone for hours now. I would definitely not want to spend more than a few days at a stretch like this in future summers, but it’s good to know it’s an option. Gone are the days of having to have activities and supervision for the kids every second of every day. This current iteration is parenting I can get behind. 

Cruising at the end of the world

So. We just returned from our first and last cruise. Ha! It wasn’t terrible. We all went in with positive attitudes and all enjoyed it to some extent. But I just wouldn’t do it again, not unless it was something special and unique in a foreign country or something (like the Mediterranean cruise I did years ago, or the one on the Yangtze River, or the Mekong River). The first day in the H and I looked at each other and said, “nope”. So, glad we were on the same page.

The good:

I did enjoy being on the water and getting to spend long hours reading and watching the waves. The weather was mostly good except one very cold and windy day.

People were very polite and friendly. I mostly avoided people because I didn’t want to hear a bunch of right wing bullshit. The H went off on his own quite a bit and met lots of people and had lots of conversations and heard a bunch of right wing bullshit. I prefer my method.

Food was decent and, of course, plentiful. We went to the fancy seated dinner a couple of times before we discovered the buffet had more variety and was generally more enjoyable. 

Pools were nice and warm and not annoyingly overcrowded, although getting a lounge chair was near impossible nearly all of the time.

We did all the silly things - ping pong, archery, rock climbing wall (kids), wave pool surfing (kids), flying practice (kids), various table games, bumper cars, trivia, name that tune, family bingo (I won twice but only called it once so some kids could win, which one did). Even with all of that it often felt like there were too many hours to fill, if you can believe that. Still, if these vacations are about family bonding, we did plenty of that, which is good.

We got off the boat only once, in Cabo San Lucas, and did a slightly scary tour of Lovers Beach and Divorce Beach, scary because the water was very rough and getting on and off the sketchy boat was a recipe for disaster. Thankfully none of us got sucked under the boat with the extreme undertow. Way too rough to swim. But I was delighted by the remote feeling of the place and the manta rays popping out of the water every few minutes. So cool!

The bad:

There was such an intense learning curve with this cruise that I get the feeling it’s a lot like the Marvel universe - you really can’t enjoy it unless you immerse yourself in it entirely and make it a whole way of life. We were the obvious newbies in the group - everyone else (it seemed) knew all the unspoken tricks and had all their shit together with their matching family cruise t shirts and personalized magnets for their room doors. I can see how people see cruising as a fun secret club and that people really get a lot of fun and bonding out of it. But, it’s just not us. So I have zero interest in doing the work of getting in the club.

I had bought a (very expensive) internet package for two devices so at least the H and I could find each other on the boat - it took hours and multiple calls to customer service to figure out how to log on and then switch devices; huge pain in the ass. 

None of us had any water the whole time - it wasn’t easy finding refill stations for our water bottles, or they were several decks away and not worth the trip. So all of us drank expensive sugary drinks all week which I hated. I could have pre-paid for bottled water to be delivered to our room, and probably should have. But again, $$$. The nickel and diming was out of control, which I expected. Even the games in the arcade all cost several dollars per play. Alcoholic drinks (for the H) averaged about $18 each. Tiny, sugary lemonades by the pool were $8. Sheesh. 

The entertainment in our room was piss poor - just a handful of pay-per-view movies and the same ten or so channels playing the same crappy shows over and over. There were many times we just wanted to relax in the room and watch something, but the options were so limited. Didn’t like that at all. 

No waterslide!!! I don’t know how I managed to book a cruise that didn’t have a waterslide, when that was the one thing I was looking forward to, but I did. 

Other than that, I was pleased none of us got violently ill (although I did feel vaguely nauseated for a couple of days - it passed); we went to a couple of (I thought) boring and crappy shows, but the kids liked them, so I kept my snotty opinion to myself. I would have liked to have checked out the disco at night - how often do I get to dance to modern (or, not 1940’s) music? - but every night we were all just completely trashed by 10 pm. Oh well. We’re just too damned old to rage all night, I guess! 

I think for me I would say cruising is a) too complicated with inside tricks and information and b) at least along this west coast, not enough about exploring cool new places, especially wild places, for me. I’d rather see Mexico from a resort involving tours to interesting places, like how my friends and I went to Cancun. 

We definitely could have - should have - done a shorter cruise by a day or two and saved some money. I wanted something where decisions were made for me…but as it turns out, there are just as many decisions to be made on a cruise as there are on a road trip. And most of them involve things I have no interest in - alcohol, getting a nice steak (puke), tacky expensive watches and jewelry and endless pitches for spa treatments and bullshit therapies. It was, indeed, Vegas on a boat. And I hate Vegas. So there you go. 

With all that said, I’m glad we tried it, and everyone had a good time. It sure was nice to zip home in a half hour after getting off the boat (I felt for people who had to head to LAX to get on a flight across the country). But I think we’ll stick with Hawaii (I know, I know, I swore off Hawaii, too, but I sure can’t beat free lodging and mostly free flights), road trips, Death Valley, etc etc. 

Now we return to endless sadistic ICE raids in our neighborhood and the passing of the Big Ugly Bill that’s literally going to cause the deaths of thousand of people. Sigh. Back to Trump’s America. Sure was nice to be somewhere else for a few days. 

Week one of camp

Thankfully the volunteer camp the kids attended last week was a hit. Or not so much a “hit” as “tolerable”. Their only complaint, once the week was through, was that there was limited seating and no inside area with AC so they were hot. Both kids gave the camp a 5-6. So not in love with it, but didn’t hate it, either. It helped there were lots of older kids - I see plenty of parents don’t know what the hell to do with their young teenagers in the summer. Would I do it again? Probably, if only because I appreciated the mission of the camp - every day doing volunteering of some kind, whether building habitats at a local river bed or making toys for shelter pets - and it was shockingly cheap. I wasn’t crazy about having to make lunches every day or hustle out of bed early to get them to camp at 9 (and having to miss all my usual exercise classes that start at 9). But yes, I would consider having them go to this camp again. Who knows where we’ll all be a year from now, but I would keep it on my list of possible activities.

Next week we just have two days to kill before we leave on the cruise. So I’m in a bit of a holding pattern, not wanting to start any big projects or cook or buy food at the moment. I am planning on bringing my computer on the cruise, though - something I never do on vacations - just because most of the customer service stuff I’m required to do has to be done on a computer and I don’t want it all piling up. I’ll feel better if I can just complete a few minor tasks each day like I do when I’m home. 

It’s only weeks now until my event. Right now it still feels easy - I’m just plugging away at spreadsheets and group emails and customer service and small detailed decisions - it’s hard to picture how overwhelming it’s about to get. It’s easy to get fooled into thinking it’ll just stay like this.

Speaking of being fooled by things appearing a certain way, a friend of mine last night who works at a small floral shop told me she can see the writing on the wall of what’s about to happen in this country; their supplies are drying up, either from tariffs or lack of available labor, and her husband, who works at a plant nursery, says the same. Everything is running out. After heeding the call to “stock up” a month ago and yet seeing my grocery shelves still fully stocked every week, I had started to get skeptical that that tariff scare actually caused anything bad to happen (at least at the basic retail level - obviously small business owners feel it differently), but perhaps the worst is still ahead of us. Right now I feel like, at least in LA, the conversation has shifted from economic concerns to the ongoing terrorization of Latinos by masked ICE agents. That’s our main concern at the moment. The fear is palpable. I’m just so glad schools are closed for a couple of months so kids don’t have to go to school scared and there don’t have to be any more LAUSD-ICE showdowns. 

And the H just texted me that we just bombed Iran. Jesus Christ.