Final desert trip of the year

2025 is over in just a couple of days. Tomorrow morning we leave for a week in Florida with my extended family, then return to about five more days at home before school starts up again. I also have a price increase / contest opening on Feb 1 that I have to start advertising. That moment - when usually people pile in to get the last of the early bird prices - should give me some indication of how my year is going to go financially. I’ve been putting off booking anything for our proposed Colorado road trip this summer until I get a better picture of what’s going to happen. As of right now, I’m behind last year, although not by much. Still, my prediction, with all the uncertainty and instability and hostility towards tourists, is that I will lose another 100 people this year. I already built in a price hike in anticipation of this. But that’s what I’m preparing for. There’s no way this gets better. 

The H bought me a crocheted 2025 dumpster fire for Christmas which I will hang on the tree next year alongside the felt 2020 dumpster fire I made. It’s hard to say this year was worse than 2020; I think it was just so different, it’s impossible to compare. In 2020 we faced a random, massive global biological threat, but one that would in fact end, leaving the vast majority of us unscathed albeit at least somewhat forever changed. This year we faced an equal global threat all in the form of one smelly orange-faced failed real estate developer from Queens (and those who use/enable him). This, too, will end, leaving us mostly unscathed but forever changed. I doubt he will be alive this time next year; or, if alive, so far down the dementia hole that he’s no longer presentable and will either be largely hidden while Steven Miller enacts his Nazi fantasies and JD Vance feels up Erika Kirk. Oh, that’s one thing that could happen next year that would make me happy - Usha Vance leaving his lame failed drag queen ass. But, I digress.

None of us has the slightest idea what will happen next year; things have never been more uncertain. For us, as a family, here’s what I hope for/predict: I hope the H’s efforts to expand his business and make more money are successful. I hope his new health insurance starting on Jan 1 helps him stay healthy. I hope Bobby transitions well to high school and starts to get a glimmer of a career path. I expect Theo to change dramatically this year the way Bobby did at twelve - it’s funny to think that by next December Theo could have facial hair and big shoulders and a big boy voice. Right now he’s still all of our baby; he’s still little. But that will soon end. I have feelings about this. 

I hope my event goes smoothly and makes enough money for us to survive another year. It would be great if I didn’t lose more people, but I know I need to be realistic. For me, personally, after several months of not weighing myself (unheard of) and eating whatever I want, I’m sure I’ve gained about 10 lbs, and I was overweight to begin with. So I’ve set the usual goal of starting calorie restriction in January in an attempt at losing it all again. I am dreading it. But it has to happen - once again I’m down to 10% of my wardrobe fitting, and I hate the way I look in just about everything. So, here we are again.

Also? My period is now nearly three weeks late (also…unheard of). I keep thinking this is it - I’m finally in menopause - but the amount of bloating and cramping I’ve had for weeks tells me I will eventually get this period, that maybe after years of periods sometimes every three weeks that I may be entering a phase where I start skipping months. I mean, shit, I’m turning 54 this summer, this has to be wrapping up soon. But it may still be a while.

We had a pretty damned magical weekend in the desert right after Christmas. We bought the boys a basketball hoop and it kept them occupied, which is all we want out there - healthy outdoor activities, as opposed to lying around in stinky robes watching idiotic YouTube shorts all day like they do at home. Next visit we’ll go to the sand dunes and try out their (free) snowboard for sand boarding. Hopefully that will be a hit. I’m planning an epic inexpensive spring break visit out there for end of March. I’m glad we have a free place to get away.

Pre-Christmas trip

I just returned from a quick pre-Christmas trip with a friend who had vacation days to use up and was willing to risk the adventure of heading out to Death Valley Junction with me, a place the family visited a couple of times during covid and that I’ve been wanting to see again. In particular, the spectacular Amargosa Opera House, which I have a half-baked plan to host a small dance event at. 

Part of this trip was leaving the kids alone all day for three days, which meant them making breakfast and lunch for themselves until dad could get home to make dinner each night. It’s another step in their independence, and something I wouldn’t have dreamed of attempting a year ago. Needless to say, they were fine.

We drove out Monday and stopped by a place I’ve always wanted to see, Elmer’s Bottle Tree Ranch off the 15 north.

Next, we made our way to Death Valley Junction for our stay at the Amargosa Opera House and hotel. The place was a bit more run down than when we last stayed here in I think 2022 - and it was run down then! Two big floods this year wore away at the 100 year old Adobe, making it look on the verge of collapse in several places, and it smelled of mildew everywhere. Our toilet hardly flushed, so we mainly used the lobby toilet which worked a little better. We did a tour of the opera house itself. I was glad to see the floor had been largely repaired, and the murals were intact, but it was obvious to me that the whole facility is too ramshackle at this point to safely host a big group of dancers. It’s really a shame, because it’s such a special place and could probably be completely rehabbed for just a few million. It’s one of those times I wish I was rich and could just throw money at a place like that and save it from decline. 

The next day we went to the China Ranch Date Farm and soaked in the Tecopa hot springs (partially roped off for vole habitat restoration), but decided to drive out that night to get ahead of the massive rain storm that could have trapped us out there over Christmas. I had a harrowing four hour drive in the dark - not what I had been planning - but made it with only the last half hour in some light rain. It’s been pouring all day. I think we made the right decision. 

Now, on to Christmas stuff. Tonight we have our traditional Jewish Christmas Eve Chinese food with a friend, then tomorrow we’ll just be home all day. Then we leave for the final cabin visit of the year (it’ll be dry but cold) and then we leave for Florida. Never a dull moment!

On a tear

I don’t know if it’s panic over Christmas bringing more unwanted crap into the house, the sudden understanding that my kids aren’t little anymore, or what, but I’ve been on a tear the last couple of weeks to purge the house of all unnecessary things. Which means mostly things the kids have now definitively outgrown. 

I must have done this when the kids passed babyhood - I remember jettisoning all the breast pump parts, baby clothes and piles of plastic crap; clearing the attic of all their toddler toys and putting them on the street for passers-by to take (and infuriatingly someone insisting on putting them all in my recycle bin - which I would remove them from, only to have them inexplicably dumped back in). I have to admit that was a much taller task - the kids don’t have many toys left, now, since the VRs and IPads took over a few years ago. But I’m cleaning more than just their stuff. It’s a general going-over of just about every part of the house, some of which have been neglected for over a decade. 

A couple of weeks ago I cleaned out all my drawers and closet, tackled both bathrooms (throwing away two garbage bags of expired unused COVID tests, baby medicines, and discarded hair products), organized and scrubbed kitchen drawers and pantry, and started on the office. This week I’ve done a little of everything - weeded out kids’ craft supplies, cleaned out the insanely packed and disorganized hallway closet, cleared out my vintage closet, and started on the office and attic. Mostly what’s happened is I’ve just pulled things out of drawers and closets and left them hanging around the living room to force me to deal with it all. I’ve done tons of goodwill donations (clothes), but the more unique things I’ve been trying to give away on my BuyNothing group, with mixed results (it’s shocking how many people never show up to collect their items). I’m not even bothering trying to sell anything. Nothing is worth any money - if it were, I’d probably be keeping it. 

I currently have two giant boxes of board games down on the street that nobody has touched. I put them in the trunk of my car overnight so the runoff from the sprinklers doesn’t ruin them. 

It’s amazing how much work managing stuff is. I’d like to blame the other three people in this house - and for sure, many of the newer items belong to them - but it doesn’t change the fact that I lived here alone for eleven years before Bobby showed up, followed by his brother and father, and I’m the carrier of three generations of stuff, none of which I can feasibly get rid of because it’s all so old and who am I to throw these things in a Los Angeles trash can apropos of nothing after they’ve survived countless moves for a hundred years or more? So I kick that can down the road, move the oldest boxes up to the attic to make room for things I actually need to access occasionally, like wrapping paper and chargers and curlers. 

Today I took a 20 lb box of sensitive paperwork to the shredder - I believe that finally leaves me with only one box of tax stuff, and once enough time passes that I can shred that, too, the era of keeping boxes of receipts is officially over; everything is online now and I’ve gone paperless with all my accounts, so no more boxes of paper sitting around as a bulwark against the tax audit that never comes. 

I have some musical instruments to donate, and probably some more books. I have a couple of decades of e-waste to dump at the appropriate facility - several generations of Rokus and routers and burglar alarm batteries and cords. I also have about 30 full to nearly dry cans of paint littering the back yard that I also want to send to said facility the next time I’m available between 9 AM - 3 PM on a Saturday (probably not until mid-January). 

I no longer need the kids’ Easter baskets or the giant container of plastic eggs we used to use for Easter egg hunts; we’re pretty much always on some sort of spring break trip on Easter now, and in fact only even notice it’s Easter because In-N-Out is closed. I’ve decided we’re not wrapping presents this year since I discovered we have about 50 Christmas gift bags in a plastic tub. I also have several boxes of party supplies to gift out. I should be able to clear about half the attic with just those things gone alone. 

I’ve officially packed away all my skiing gear and will be gifting my scuba stuff that I used once before quitting. I also made some vintage suitcases into my dance costume holders - all the costumes from all my dance contests and routines will go there, if anyone ever cares to look for them. Those things don’t need to hang in my closet - I’ll never wear them again. 

I’m feeling ruthless and determined, and that’s the best way to tackle these difficult and emotional projects. You have to be in the mindset I’m in now - the kids are growing up, they’re not little anymore, so it’s time to rid ourselves of childish things. It’s time to make the house functional for who we are today - a family of four with a teenager and a near teenager. I want to go into 2026 fresh and new. This was a horrendous year - on par with 2020, if not worse, and we need things to be revitalized. 

Still lots to do, and I doubt I’ll get it all done in just a few days, especially with Christmas week barreling down on us which involves me gone for three days to Death Valley Junction with a friend, then off to the cabin for a weekend, then home for one day before we take off to Florida for a week. Everything will have to get put on hold. But I feel good about how much I’ve gotten done already. 

The boys have one more day of school. Bobby is begging to not have to go tomorrow. He and his girlfriend broke up. Once again, I found out because of his bracelet, or lack thereof. I noticed he wasn’t wearing it and he admitted they’d broken up. He said it was mutual - that she said he doesn’t talk enough, and he was annoyed that she was good friends with some MAGA kid at school everyone hates. My impression of the whole relationship was that he was just along for the ride - she approached him, after all; I don’t think he was ever that into it, and it showed. I don’t think they really had anything in common, and she just liked the idea of having a boyfriend. They’re only 13 - none of these things are wrong - I’m just glad it ended without hurt feelings. It will be weird when one of these kids really gets their heart broken. Not looking forward to that at all. 

Will Trump be dead the next time I write here?? I feel like this could happen at any moment. Honestly, lately I’m actually wishing he won’t die right away - I’d so much rather he live long enough to see consequences for his multitudinous crimes.

Holiday trifecta part 3

For once we had a really nice chill Thanksgiving. The last two years we did big projects - moving furniture to the cabin one year, upgrading the boys’ room the next, and years before that traveling like gangbusters. This time we just drove out to Spaghetti Western without a reservation (nobody ordered the Thanksgiving food, which I thought was hilarious), spent a day in the Mojave National Preserve (one of my favorite places!), plumbed the sink, and then drove home. It was very relaxing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It made me feel less guilty about not participating in any Thanksgiving traditions anymore - a few years ago I was decided I was done with all that, for many reasons; a) I’m a vegetarian and hate the food, b) problematic in-laws, c) icky colonialism. I do sometimes miss it, and wonder if things might change if my sister moves here. But then I remember if I want to do a big elaborate meal, I can always do that at Christmas, and we’re seeing the whole family over new year’s in Florida anyway.

We took two giant leaps in the desert - one, getting the shower properly set up and using it (the portable dog groomer water heater I bought years ago finally had a dead battery from lack of use and couldn’t be revived, so I bought a new portable water heater that uses D batteries and it worked great) and then getting the kitchen sink plumbed, which happened on the last day so I still squatted on the ground washing dishes in a basin the first two days and never really got to use it, but still. Things are about to get a lot more sophisticated out there, and I love it. Having a working hot shower also means I’ll be more likely to invite friends. 

The kids have two more weeks of school before their break. I’m struggling to figure out gifts for them - Bobby is easy because he always makes a long list (at his age it’s all clothes and electronics - which is great, except we can’t afford the electronics and he really should pick his clothes out himself). Theo has no idea what he wants, so at this point I’m just improvising - I figure he could use a new, better robe than the one I got him last year, and some pajama pants he can wear around the house, and a Lego set (a nice bonsai tree I can display), and we’re looking into used snowboards for both boys to use sand surfing at the Kelso dunes which they seem especially keen about doing (after they got to do it at the pink sand dunes in Utah last year). We’re also going to get a basketball hoop for the desert. As you can imagine, boredom is a huge issue out there so we’re desperate for things for them to do. But, no joke, buying presents for these kids at this age is hard. Unless it’s computers or iPhones they don’t really care. It’s the first year I’m really struggling. 

I’m obsessed with figuring out an off-grid hot tub for us for the desert. It would be amazing to have a nice long soak out there on a cold winter night. I’ve been scouring YouTube videos and Reddit threads, mostly populated by Mormon preppers. Right now it seems the best, cheapest solution would be a galvanized stock tank (well insulated) with copper coiling set up in a chiminea. It would take a lot of maintenance - at least a couple of hours of tending the fire and stirring the water. But if we’re just out there hanging out anyway, why not…? Still a lot more research to do. Every time I think I’ve found the perfect set up, something cheaper and better presents itself. It’s not something I would want to seriously look into until next fall anyway. 

Today we’re going to do Christmas stuff. It always feels a bit late a week into December, but with my schedule shaping up to be night before Thanksgiving gig, then drive out to the desert on Thanksgiving, I’d really rather stay until Sunday night rather than come home a day early just to do lights and a tree. I’ve got my cards out, ordered a photo Christmas ornament, made all the photo books of our trips, ordered some gifts, and started plans for candy making which I’ll do next week. Everything is in order. I’ve also been strangely energized to start purging different parts of the house - I’ve purged all my clothes, gone through cabinets in both bathrooms, cleaned out kitchen drawers. Next I’d like to tackle the hallway closet (full of abandoned board games and vhs tapes), the office (tons of e-waste I need to find an event to dispose at), and a couple of pieces of furniture in the living room that have become the “I don’t know where to put this” depositaries. It’s amazing how fast a small house fills up with crap when four people live in it. I’m in a ruthless mood, though - everything must go - which is the right mood for this project. I’m seeing the writing on the wall - these kids are growing up - so it’s time to get rid of the baby spoons and carriers and car seat travel bags and boosters. On to the next phase. 

Photo dump

Our family photos are here!

No! vember

We’re gearing up for a big rain here, and I’m proud of myself that I remembered to turn off the sprinklers and put anything inside that needs to be. We’re supposed to head to the desert, but it’s going to rain all day Saturday. Which means everyone will be bored, and/or we might get stuck in the sand. We may have to reconsider that plan.

For now, I’m doing what I always do at this time of year, which is a) update my look (soft goth), b) take care of things that have been annoying me around the house (little repairs & upgrades & purges), c) plot out next year’s trips (road trip to CO in the summer, possible Hawaii in December), and d) generally take care of shit that my brain is too full of the rest of the year to deal with.

Updating my will has been a big part of this - since I first set up my will after Bobby was born, so much has happened; Theo was born, I got married, I bought the desert property. It’s been woefully ignored all these years (I did update my life insurance to add Theo as a beneficiary, but that’s it). I finally got off my ass a couple of weeks ago to dig out all my paperwork from 2012, and discovered much to my horror that I inexplicably never actually finished the process. I never had anything signed, never funded the trust, never had anything notarized. So basically I paid legal zoom $500 for a pile of worthless paper. I was horrified. I’m usually so good at paperwork - what the hell happened there? The only thing I can think is I had a new baby and just couldn’t deal. Fair enough. The good news is, so far I’ve survived, so I haven’t needed the useless pile of paperwork. I did some investigating and even though I’d sort of like to just completely start over with an actual lawyer, I don’t really want to spend the several thousand dollars that would take, especially when I basically have everything in place; I just need to make some adjustments. So I found on the legal zoom site that I could in fact do some revisions there for cheap. However, adding the desert property, which has no address, caused all kinds of confusion and phone calls and chat sessions and delays until I finally got the updated paperwork today. I still have a long road ahead - I need to find two witnesses to watch me sign things, I need to have some things notarized, and I need to work with title companies to move the properties into the trust. It’s a lot of work. But if I want to make sure these kids are secure and don’t have to fight through probate if I drop dead tomorrow, I have to get all this done and quickly. Again pretty horrified that I so badly dropped the ball on this, but I’ll give myself the grace that most people in their 40s and 50s aren’t thinking about wills and health care directives; at least I’m ahead of your average person in this regard. And I’ll get it done and won’t have to think about it again, hopefully.

I got a call from a realtor in the desert who I happen to know somewhat because he used to come to my event, telling me the guy who owns the 5 acre plot just south of ours is looking to sell. I was stoked. The idea of snapping up surrounding plots to ours thrills me to no end; I made a lowball offer. But I think he may have just been feeling out what he could get because it’s been a few days and I haven’t heard anything (it wasn’t an official offer). Right now these plots are selling for pennies, so he may decide to hang onto it unless he’s desperate for cash. I hope he negotiates, but I may just never hear from him again, we’ll see. 

I’ve been spending countless hours compiling all of our trip photos for the last five years into little photo books via google photos - I feel like we’ve done so many cool things since 2020 and I’m starting to forget them all. We all take so many photos these days but they all just stay in our phones, forgotten, unlike the days when it was a holiday ritual to look over family photo albums year after year. So I’m in the middle of that process, which is practically a part time job and will probably cost several hundred dollars by the time I’m done. But I feel like it’s necessary. Eventually I’ll go earlier than 2020 and do baby books for the boys and maybe one for my sister with all her visits over the years. I know these are books I’ll actually enjoy looking at. They’re very plain and limited in their design capabilities, but considering the fact that I have to get about 25 of them done in just a couple of weeks (I’m planning on them being a family Christmas present), I don’t have the time or energy to muck about. 

Halloween in the scariest year yet

Halloween went off well in our usual favorite trick or treat spot. For once, both kids got equal attention for their efforts - Theo delighted the little kids with his inflatable video game character, and millennials and below loved Bobby’s Napoleon Dynamite. I’m so glad he wanted to be that character. He doesn’t seem to have an issue with his  (still) flaming red hair - especially at a school that’s majority Latino/Asian, so he stands out. It shows how society has still progressed despite the current relentless regression; I once spoke to a woman in her nineties who said how when she was a kid you’d be bullied for having red hair or freckles or being tall or short; not to say those things don’t still happen, but I’d like to believe it’s getting better. 

So phase one of the holiday trifecta is in the books - I de-decorated the house yesterday and packed the costumes away (I re-purposed the Cruella DeVile costume I wore at my event), last night the time changed; it’s time to settle in to fall and the gradual darkening. In the meantime, everything is pretty chaotic and frightening - yesterday, SNAP benefits expired, and nobody knows if the orange turd is going to follow judge’s orders to re-fund them; the government remains shut down (I think we’re easily going to break the shut down length record, which happens on Tuesday); a good portion of the White House was illegally destroyed and there’s nothing anybody can do about it; and - and this directly affects us - healthcare premiums are about to go through the roof, so although I think me and the kids will be sort of ok, getting the H coverage after a year of no healthcare may now be impossible. Thanks, Republicans! 

But in better news, there are major, consequential elections happening the day after tomorrow, and I’m excited to watch. California should pass Prop 50 fairly easily, and Mamdani is set to be elected mayor of NYC. I sure hope he doesn’t turn out to be a disappointment. So, as per usual, despite all the current horrors and abuses, there may be some wins this week. Oh, and the Dodgers won the World Series (again) last night. So, there’s that. 

Three weeks until Thanksgiving, then three weeks until winter break. The kids are doing just fine. I’m still convinced Theo isn’t learning anything at school, so I’m interested to see how his parent-teacher conference goes, whenever that is. Should be this month. Part of me wants to raise hell about it - have him moved to another class, demand his teacher step it up and stop giving the kids entire days off of doing any schoolwork - but then I think, eh, it’s just sixth grade, who cares, and also, I could be totally wrong about all of this. Theo may not be the most reliable narrator on what goes on in his classroom. So we’ll see what it’s like when I meet his teacher. I’ll definitely ask if he’s getting any different treatment as one in a “gifted cluster” (my guess is no). Again I wonder if things would be different if he’d stayed at his old school, or if this is just the state of public education (I was in a very demanding private school from 5th-8th grade, so it’s hard to compare). I’ve been asking myself lately, if he gets in to Bobby’s school (which he should), should he sign up for all advanced classes out of the gate the way Bobby did? Or just stick with easy stuff so as not to overwhelm him? It’s a really tough call. Thankfully that’s a problem for another time. Once again, the determination that Theo got as “gifted” but not “highly gifted” like Bobby, means a lot of doors are closed for him, despite being a bright and studious kid. And like all kids, he can only rise to the level he’s presented. 

And then I think, does any of this even matter, in a world where AI will shortly take over all jobs and nobody under 50 will ever be able to afford housing or a family? These are the questions we have to ask ourselves in 2025. What future do these kids have? Will something step in and save us from this craven, willful self-destruction? The next year will definitely have some answers. 

Meeting the girlfriend

Last night Bobby went to his school’s homecoming dance. All of us were at a loss for the nuances and etiquette of the thing - does he get his date a corsage? Do we pick her up? Do we all go to the door and meet her parents? How is he supposed to dress? 

Thankfully the outfit I bought him at Ross - dress shoes, black pants and black shirt - were entirely appropriate, and everything went well, and a corsage would have been over the top. She is, of course, adorable - when we pulled up, she was taking pictures on the street with her family, and the mom and sister came over to say hello. Obviously I won’t post her picture here, but she’s so cute! 

He said he was nervous as we were driving up, but he ended up staying the entire four hours and said he had a really good time. The H and I went to see Poltergeist (yet another movie that hits differently when you have kids) leaving Theo on his own at home, and everything worked out. 

It’s very odd to be at this phase of life. Having been a hyper-vigilant mother - every pen, marker, sharp thing put away, never letting them out of my sight for a second when they were little - now is the time when they aren’t so controllable. They are going to be at events without us. Out at night, not under our supervision. Forming bonds with people who are strangers to us. I’m sure this is far scarier for the girl’s family - can you imagine?? These strange people drive up and whisk your thirteen-year-old girl away in their car. Good lord! 

I definitely would never have pictured that being a “boyfriend” would be part of Bobby’s eighth grade experience. It’s 100% only because she approached him - who knows how long it would have taken him to ask a girl out - but it’s still an important milestone in his maturing. I for one am glad he has girls in his life (and non-white girls at that)  - I worry so much about these boys being red-pilled online. He started earlier than me - my first boyfriend wasn’t until the end of my freshman year in high school, although I was interested in boys since kindergarten. 

Today I’m taking the boys to see ET and that’s pretty much our only plan for the day. I just love these relaxed weekends. We would have been in the desert had it not been for the homecoming dance and concert Friday night. 

We went to Theo’s school Halloween carnival Friday, but it was a bit of a mess. I brought Theo’s inflatable costume and batteries, but it turned out you need a screwdriver to put the batteries in, and there was no time to drive home and get one. He was super bummed. We tried everything to get those screws out - after probably an hour we finally just broke the cover off, which worked. Then he ran around and had fun, thankfully, but Bobby didn’t want to walk around or get any food, and neither of them wanted to go into the haunted house or do any of the activities even though I bought tickets. I guess that’s how these things come to a close - not with a bang but a whimper. 

Here’s Bobby as we’re driving to the dance. 

Metaphors and Kings

We didn’t end up taking Bobby to the No Kings protest on Sat - I was too concerned about leaving Theo alone - but as we all now know, the day went by without incident, was fun and joyful, and we totally could have taken both of them. I keep saying “next time” I’ll start taking the kids, but it seems every time a new big protest rolls around there’s increased threats of violence, so who knows.

I was on a high from the great day when - jump scare - late that night one of the H’s old friends who I am no longer connected to on FB but regrettably saw my post of me dressed in a chicken costume (solidarity with the Portland frogs) due to still being “friends” with the H who was tagged, took it upon himself to comment that I looked “hideous and retarded”. This after his wife at the same time made a couple of snarky right wing meme posts about how if he really were a king these protests wouldn’t be allowed, blah blah. Now keep in mind, although we haven’t seen these people in ten years, I did meet them when the H and I first started dating; we went to their house for dinner because they were basically like family to him (they were family of his first wife who took him in and would have him over pretty much every weekend). We invited them to the wedding just three years ago - they couldn’t come, but I genuinely believe would have if they could. To go from that - pretty much being family - to calling me “hideous and retarded”, I found unbelievably cruel and out of line. What I wanted was for the H to let them have it - but in the shock and confusion of it all (FB changed how you reply to comments so it took me forever to figure out how to delete comments) I ended up deleting the comments before he could respond, and then blocked them both from both of our accounts. I realize I’m a light weight when it comes to this stuff because I have no MAGA friends or family and have insulated myself to where I pretty much never have to deal with those fucking people either online or in person, but this was really shocking and upsetting to me. I’m still not over it, truth be told. The sadism and cruelty this fucking piece of shit in the White House has enabled in our fellow citizens is really horrific. 

Breathe, breathe.

In some good news, after a failed Halloween shopping trip with the H over the weekend, I took the boys to Spirit yesterday and Theo got yet another video game-related inflatable costume, and much to my delight, Bobby agreed to be Napoleon Dynamite. How perfect is that?? Now I’m starting to get excited for the holiday. We all re-watched the movie last night for character study.

I went to Bobby’s student-lead conferences last week, and I have to say, (luckily) it was a bit of a waste of time. Everyone just said Bobby was doing great (yay). What I really wanted was to know what each teacher has planned for the year, but I guess that only happens at Back to School night, which I always miss because it’s always the first night of my event. I’m always a bit taken aback when I see how dirty and disorganized both kids’ schools are - the buildings are in terrible disrepair and strewn with trash. But hey - public schools in a big city. I’m sure mine were no different, I just don’t remember. 

In the background of our pleasant daily lives is all sorts of chaos - the shocking optics of the destruction of the east wing of the White House yesterday, the ceasefire in Gaza falling apart, the corruption and lawsuits, the government shutdown that may never end. It directly impacts us because all year I’ve been waiting for open enrollment to get the H on my healthcare plan, and that may not be possible now. He may not be able to have any health insurance at all, with rates skyrocketing. I’m not really sure what we’re going to do. If Newsom wants to be president badly enough he would find a way to get universal healthcare for California. Boy would that be great!

Murals and musings

Our mural is complete - the artist worked on it over the weekend and then a couple of days this week, weather permitting. I think it lends a nice air of whimsy to this place, now that we’ve transitioned from trying to hide (which doesn’t work, anyway - everyone knows we’re there). Once again I found myself crunching numbers to see how much it would cost to live out there, just for my own entertainment. Almost nothing, as it turns out - if I didn’t have this house to maintain, my basic expenses would run about $1000, just for me. It’s very tempting to sell this place and just exile myself out there and live off the proceeds and never do a day of work again. But, I have two kids that need to go to school, and I’m not really up for an exile in the desert, not yet. But I have to admit it’s nice to know that’s an option. 

Bobby announced he’s going to his school’s homecoming with his girlfriend and needed an outfit, so I tortured myself with a visit to the brand new chaotic Ross in our neighborhood. I got him some cheap clothes, including black pants, a black button up shirt, and dress shoes. When we got home we did a cull of his current clothes, and unfortunately all the men’s small band shirts I bought him no longer fit. But the good news is I can wear them, and also this gives lots of Christmas present ideas. At least he still wants to wear band shirts.

It’s funny to think that you need to be taught how to shop - he has no concept of how to find his way around a store, how to find his size, how to pick things he likes, how to try something on and determine if it works or not. He just sort of looks at me helplessly. And I’m no help because I positively loathe shopping, especially of not vintage things, and especially in places like that. With that said, I plan on hitting up Jet Rag, my favorite vintage clothing store, tomorrow to look for items for my fall Dark Academia look. I’m mostly looking for 70s velvet blazers, metallic belts, and maybe a mesh necktie necklace. I’m trying to evolve my look from cottagecore to soft goth, and trying to do it cheaply. We’ll see how it goes. 

I asked Bobby if he wants to join the protest Saturday, something I’ve never done before. He said he would. My only concern is leaving Theo alone, especially if something were to “happen”. So I’m not 100% sure I want Bobby going only because we need a free babysitter. But I also want him to start getting involved with this stuff - he’s old enough, and I give the boys daily updates on the political goings-on when we drive to and from school, so they’re both very aware of the fuckery going on.

Halloween has so far been very low key this year. Neither kid has any idea what they want to be, and they don’t seem to really care. The H will take them shopping maybe this weekend - my request, since he likes doing it, and, as previously stated, I hate shopping - hopefully they’ll come up with something they like. For me, I was burned out on Halloween by 11 or 12, so I can see how these kids just don’t have the enthusiasm they used to. They still seem to want to go trick or treating, though - although it’s funny to think that our years of doing that with the kids are numbered, too - two, maybe three years from now, they’ll be over it. Time is moving so fast these days. I often think of how huge Kid’s Klub, their babysitter and preschool, was in our lives for several years - and then, one day, poof! We just never went there again, and never will. Next Friday is the Halloween carnival at Theo’s school, and that, too, will probably be the last one we’ll ever go to, since the jr/sr high doesn’t have stuff like that. In June Theo graduates, and the days of driving up Eagle Rock Blvd to and from school every day are gone forever. I’m going to have to figure out a whole new drop off/pick up routine, and it probably won’t involve the library anymore unless I’m out of town. And that’ll be our routine for six more years. And then - all of this is over. It’s mind boggling, really, how fast it all goes. 

Spooky season

My two remaining band trips for the year are done - Chicago and Eureka, CA - so now’s the time of year where I pull my head out of the event-planning sand, take a look around, and think of things in my environment that need fixing or upgrading. 

After getting my beat up and broken drip line system fixed, I’ve got plans to plant up the planters in my yard - not with edibles, since they always get destroyed by the local fauna, but maybe this time some nice native plants, preferably perennials, preferably with pretty flowers I can make bouquets with. I’ve tried this and failed many times, but hey, hope springs eternal. I have fond memories of helping my grandmother populate her planter every Memorial Day with pansies and other pretty, colorful flowers for her to enjoy all summer in rural Connecticut - since I’m in the upside down where summer stretches into November and now is the best time to plant, I figured I’d give it a shot. 

We head to the desert tonight to meet with our muralist to get started. It’s going to be odd having someone out there with us; no running around naked, I guess! But I’m excited to get it started (and hopefully finished). I’m also excited to be out there in prime season - not too hot, not too cold. It kills me that every year two of the best weekends (end of Sept, beginning of Oct) get taken by band travel, but I did make $2000 which is paying for this mural, so there you go. I’m planning on heading out in about a month with friends, and then hoping we can replicate last year’s Thanksgiving dinner in the desert-stay until Sunday-trip. I’d like to do some projects out there (hook up my kitchen sink, set up a patio by the container), and also take a day to head up to the Mojave National Preserve and hike the Rings Trail like we did during the pandemic, and maybe hit up the lava tube which we’ve never made it to before. I just love that area. 

The local revival theater has lots of great classic horror films this month, so I’m taking Bobby to Night of the Living Dead, Poltergeist, and the family to ET and Ghost World. I wanted to take him to Carrie but decided that might be too gnarly so am going with a friend instead. Something shifted in his brain around puberty - suddenly, he can handle scary things. Theo is still a hard no. It’ll be interesting to see when/if that changes for him. 

I recruited Theo into helping me make banana bread, and we had a blast. So much so that I decided to buy a cute vintage cookie jar (natch) and set a goal to make cookies together from time to time. He does have an interest in cooking and baking, and executes things well, so why not? I’m worried about having sugary things around, but hell, I’m off the wait loss train until January. It’s completely impossible to lose weight at the holidays, so, fuck it. Hopefully the kids will eat most of the things we make. I only got two slices of the banana bread, so there you go. 

The future of our health insurance hangs in the balance, as it does for all Americans right now. I did get the usual rate increase notification, and it’s just slightly more than typical, but I’ve been waiting until November to get the H on my plan and apply through the ACA so it doesn’t cost a fortune; the Republicans could screw all that up for us. Even if I apply and get us a discount now, that doesn’t mean our rate won’t go through the roof in January. Like so many angry Democrats, part of me wants everyone, including myself, to get temporarily screwed over so that maybe, just maybe, people will get mad enough to finally bring the orange turd’s reign of horror to an end. I have zero predictions as to what’s going to happen with this government shutdown other than, as with last time, lack of air traffic controllers will probably be a deciding factor. Thank goodness even billionaires with private jets need air traffic controllers. 

The Fall

This time - mid-September through October - is really my best time of year. My event is freshly over, and although I have ideas for next year, I don’t have to implement any of them yet. The boys are in school, it’s time to plan for the holidays, we have Southern California delayed summer. It’s a whole thing. I see my usual flood of emails instantly reduce to a mere trickle, and while this is jarring, it’s also kind of great.

I spent the weekend in Chicago at a dance event we’re hired for every year. It was a good time. Thanks to my new expanded event schedule which left me less exhausted and fed up, I had more energy going in to this event, so had the spoons to have lots of good conversations and bonding time with people I don’t get to see very often. I only have four days at home and then I head up to a jazz festival in northern Cal next weekend. That event for me has been a bit isolating because my band leader, who has the car, works at the event a lot more than I do, so I find myself alone and stranded much of the time. However, a close friend is coming this time, and we’re planning on getting out to see the redwoods, which would be amazing. So I expect this trip will be better than the previous. 

Yesterday while I was bored at the airport, I got alerted that someone was on the porch, so I had a look, and it was Bobby on his phone. I could hear some loud voices - not angry or anything, just loud - coming from the phone, then he got up and walked around to one side of the house, then immediately went around to the other side, then must have gone back into the house through the back door (why was that open?). The H was at work at this time. It was puzzling. What the heck was he doing? I’m dying to ask him, but I don’t want him to know I was watching him. It just reminded me that sometimes with teenagers you just don’t want to know what they’re up to. Lord knows my mother would have died if she’d known all the dangerous shit I got up to when I was just a year older than him. We trust these kids to be home alone and outside of our purview - we trust that they won’t eat things they’re not supposed to or go through our things or steal money or do anything dangerous or destructive - but the fact is, we have no idea what they do when we’re not here. I like to think they’re just playing video games or scrolling through YouTube shorts, but who knows? I was such a hyper vigilant mother when they were little - unless they were in their room at night, they were never out of my sight, not even for a minute - but it’s hit me that those days of constant surveillance are over. At some point these kids will want to hang out with their friends after school, or on weekends, and there’s nothing I can do to keep them safe. Theo already has been going to stores after school and buying pizza and boba with his friends without asking or telling us; I wondered if I should tell him not to do this, but honestly, he’s old enough. I did the same at his age, and it’s time he learned a little independence. After all, next year they’ll be at the same school, and I might have them start taking the public bus home, since it picks them up right in front of school and drops them really close to home. 

Speaking of being at the same school, in just two days I apply for Theo to get into the gifted magnet at Bobby’s school, and we get an answer in March. I have a (perhaps) irrational fear that he won’t make it, based on the fact that he’s been waitlisted for the gifted program every year up until now (even though that’s a different situation since that program at his current school doesn’t have much space). He has tons of “points” thanks to my having applied every year, and he has sibling points thanks to his brother, but I still worry. He’s a smart kid and I don’t want to see him fall behind. Already I’m not thrilled with how 6th grade is starting out - he rarely has homework, and talks about the movies they watch at school. Huh? I guess I’ll withhold judgment until I meet this teacher at the parent-teacher conference. 

It appears the bots are at it again - I noticed this phenomenon during the 2016 election, wherein my blog posts that normally get about 50-60 views suddenly started getting hundreds, and then this sharply dropped off the minute the election was over. The same thing is happening here - hundreds of views on all my most recent posts, but no comments or followers. I know at this point after all these years I probably only have a tiny group of people who check in occasionally to see what’s happening in our mundane lives (thank you!), so there’s no way my post on Bobby’s new girlfriend got 800 page views. Crazy. 

It’s happening….!

So yesterday as I was driving the kids home from school, I noticed Bobby was wearing this black bracelet that I’d been seeing around the house. “Where did you get that?” I casually asked. “My girlfriend gave it to me.” Theo piped in from the back seat, “oh yeah, Bobby has a girlfriend.”

I’m not ashamed to admit I sputtered like Daffy Duck for a few minutes. How-? When-? And most importantly, who-??? All the while looking at my tiny baby’s goofy grin as he told me some basic details that I only half heard because I was being deafened by the sound of one of my ovaries dying. 

So apparently her name is Jasmeen (I think) and at the end of school last year her friend passed him a note. They still do that??? How charming. He showed me a picture of a cute Asian girl taking a picture of herself in the mirror. He says they mostly just walk around school and talk. He said she plays video games but mostly is “really different”. I’m going to guess not many kids his age listen to Devo, so no surprises there. I said if he ever wanted to take her on a proper date that we’d drop him off and give him money and stuff. And that was pretty much it. Of course I wanted tons of information, but I sensed there wasn’t much to be had. I reiterated my speech about no nudes being asked for nor sent. He said he would never do that. Ok then. 

I asked Theo if kids in his class had boyfriends or girlfriends and he said some, but it’s mostly kids talking about liking each other. I asked if there was anyone he liked and he said no. 

I did not have “Bobby gets a girlfriend” on my fall 2025 bingo card. Neither did I have CK’s killer as most likely doing that because he was in love with a trans person and felt the need to do some grand defensive act, but here we are. I always imagined Bobby as being a late bloomer due to his shyness…but I have to admit, the kid’s got swagger. He just does. My prayer for these boys is that their early relationships, unlike mine, will be devoid of the gut wrenching terror of abandonment that being repeatedly abandoned by both parents causes. May they have normal relationship drama and make good choices, unlike me at that age. 

Just a few days ago Bobby had become obsessed with finding a bag of watch parts I said I had, and so we went through some of my old boxes of childhood stuff. In one I found a long lost wallet, one my mother had made in home ec class in high school in the 50s that I then went on to use in high school in the 80s. In it was a fascinating time capsule - an old subway pass, my Amnesty International card, my church membership card, a pass to the teen club The Saint, and a name tag tagged by a graffiti artist that probably had some significance I no longer remember. As time moves forward, I become more and more disconnected from that girl, even though she’s still me. Will Bobby even remember this first girlfriend when he’s my age? Will he even remember himself? I wonder. 

Season opening

This weekend we returned to the desert for the first time in three months to open the place back up. Thankfully, much like last year, the only damage in the place was the usual dust and a couple of dead bugs. It was clear water had pooled all around the place from recent storms, which was a bit worrying, but didn’t get inside. We only went for one night - I took Bobby to a Grandaddy concert on Friday, which was wonderful - and that’s probably for the best, because even in the low 90s, with no power, it’s just too damned hot. 

The main purpose for this visit, other than squeezing in a visit this month before we’re occupied the next three weekends, was to meet with the mural painter, who came by this morning. He’s going to knock out a mural on our container featuring our favorite desert animal, the kangaroo rat, during our next visit in October. I’m thrilled at the prospect. Post-event present to myself, unlocked!

I have a couple more big payments to make before I can officially close the books on this year - and I’m a little alarmed at how little money I have left. I’ll still survive, but I think it’s safe to say there will be no splurging of any kind - I only hope I’m not hit with some sudden expensive home repair or healthcare cost or something like that. I’m going to have to seriously rein it in as far as travel for us. Again, not hard to do. We can spend Thanksgiving week and spring break at the cabin (that’s what it’s for, after all), Christmas break in Florida, and by summer I’ll have some sense of what I’m looking at for next year’s event. We’re all going to have to just buckle up for 2026, I’m afraid. Things are going to get crazy, and not in a good way. 

How it went

So. Here we are, about a week after the event. How do I feel about it? Good! Honestly, other than one horrible incident, everything went the smoothest it’s ever gone, even with the extra day, even with all the new things I added in. Turns out pretty much everything I added, worked - people loved the new contests, the new schedule, the extra things I added in. Every bet I made succeeded - spreading things out and allowing for breaks completely changed the feel of the event. It no longer felt like a steamroller out of control - I felt like I could pace myself, take breaks, and tackle each day with new energy. It was great. 

Despite my fears for the state of affairs in 2026, I will keep the extra day. The hotel contract people finally got back to me during the event and gave me a really shitty offer if I took off Thursday, raising my rates and taking off staff rooms, etc etc. That sealed the deal. Thursday stays. 

I did still end up 100 people behind last year, but thankfully financially it doesn’t seem to have mattered much - I sold more night dance tickets, and I’m still ahead with a small cushion similar to last year. I will still express caution, however - no big expenditures this year until we know how next year is going to go. Next year could still be rough. 

Despite all the good vibes this year, there was one horrible racial incident that I knew was bound to happen sooner or later. One of my teaching couples also runs teams, and this year on Friday night they presented a team that started with an older black actress, a friend of mine, playing the role of Tituba (the team routine had a Crucible theme - why anyone thought this was appropriate, baffles me to no end). Her costume was very jarring - clearly she was dressed as a slave - and everyone freaked out. Within a day, someone had spread it all over the internet, with of course my event taking the hit, not the people involved, which is how it goes. I found the actress in the hallway and pulled her aside to tell her what was going on, and she was immediately sobbing and embarrassed. To her, she was playing a historical character and didn’t see why anyone would be offended by that. And that was part of my conflict with it, too, was that she played that character with her own free will, and who are we to judge her choices, as a black woman? Let’s just say it was more complicated than if a white woman had played that role in blackface, or something like that. Suffice it to say, from that moment forward, the entire event for me was mitigating this crisis - calling people into meetings, trying to figure out a strategy on how to address it, long conversations with everyone involved. I deferred to an elder black woman who was there to run a discussion panel on race and is a board member of the NAACP. Her advice initially was that both she and the choreographer, a white man, should make a public speech about the intent of the piece, probably during awards. But then by Monday morning she had changed her mind and decided she didn’t want to “feed the bear” - that her take was it was art, it was about historical figures, and nobody should be offended by it. So we did not make a social media statement about it nor address it during the event. The video of the routine was taken down, and the team got last place (because that’s where the judges put them). There was literally nothing I could have done that would have pleased everyone, and so I deferred to this person who I respect a great deal who is also very respected within the community.

Once I got home, there was a FB thread from fans of this white teacher/choreographer stating their annoyance that the video was still down, with the actress chiming in as well. I reached out to her to ask if it was her wish that I re-post the video. Let me make it very clear that every decision I made all along was to protect HER - keeping it quiet, not making a big statement, taking down the video - because she was so mortified and so afraid of being held up as some kind of traitor, etc. The whole time she was in the meetings I was hugging her and comforting her and telling her it wasn’t her fault and she did nothing wrong and that she gave a great performance. She responded to the text that she would only want the video posted if she could be edited out. We tried this, but it was pretty much impossible, so left it down. That was the last contact we had.

A day later she posted a live video on FB and IG which I watched with utter disbelief. Somehow she managed to twist this whole story around to paint me as this cold, money-grubbing organizer who only ever gave a shit about my reputation and my bottom line, and I believe she even called me a racist at one point. Gone were the hours I spent comforting her and building her up and protecting her at my own reputational expense - now I’m just some heartless white bitch who was only concerned about myself the whole time. How I became a villain in this I have no idea - I can only speculate she’s trying to deflect responsibility for taking on that role on to me and the other guy (who certainly deserves more blame than I do!!). The way she made up things I said, and went into this ugly, mocking tone every time she quoted me, was really high school and gross. She was just painting me as the typical racist white lady - all sing-songy and “nice” but secretly a snake and a racist. Wtf. I was absolutely FURIOUS. 

One of the elements of this was the fact that both this lady and the other lady I deferred to were convinced only white people were offended (on behalf of black people), and they found that offensive. I knew it was a variety of people, based on what my safety manager told me. Much to my enjoyment, at the end of her video she invites a younger black woman on to the video with her who, despite declaring me and the event as a whole racist, also points out that black people were offended by the performance. You can see the surprise on the actress’ face when she says this. Within 24 hours the live video mysteriously disappeared from both FB and IG. I can only speculate that the videos didn’t get her the attention and praise she was seeking, or that the woman I deferred to all weekend told her to take them down. 

How much damage was done because of all this? It’s hard to say. If what the younger woman on the video says is true, there is damage to my reputation in the black community that I may never be able to repair. But I also know I have a lot of fans in that community who see all the work I’ve been doing and see this situation for what it is - the fault of the choreographer, not me. Now I have the unpleasant task of deciding if I should fire this particular teacher who I have a long time relationship with but who is also known to be kind of clueless and behind the times, and who has both devoted fans and people who hate his guts. One of my more prominent black teachers asked to speak with me next week and I’m wondering if the teachers of color are going to say they won’t work for me if he’s on the payroll. I would respect that, and it certainly would make my decision easier. But no matter what I do here, people are going to be mad. And I’m really pissed I was put in this position. 

I feel horribly betrayed by this woman I thought was a friend - we had lunch some time ago, so she’s not someone I didn’t know at all - and believe me, when you’ve spent your entire life being aware of racial issues and championing causes for oppressed people, to have your character publicly assassinated and be made to look like one of those nice-on-the-outside-fake-as-fuck white women who I also despise, is utterly infuriating, especially when you know she’s just throwing you under the bus to cover her own ass. You can only hope and pray that people who think critically will see through it, while also accepting that many people will not and will always just think of you as “that racist who profits off of a black dance”. Sigh. 

Anywayyyyy…I refuse to let this stupid incident stain the weekend for me - other than one other odd moment in which an old friend made these hideous AI posters for me that were supposed to be making fun of how bad AI is (huh?) and everyone got all angry at me for using AI art which I also absolutely hate, everything else was pretty much flawless. 

And at least in this moment I feel financially secure, although I’m preparing to lose more people next year as prices go up and economics continue to get worse. 

Now I’m just finishing up paying people, planning next year, and preparing to head out to the desert to see about getting that mural painted on our container. These are things I care about right now. 

Closing in

First let me say that, although I’m sure nobody but me cares about this, the app I’ve been using to blog on my phone has crapped out (being phased out? Who knows. All I know is it deleted an existing post and won’t post anything anymore) so now I’m posting via the web which is just wonky enough that it makes me less inclined to post. I’m sure I’ll get past the general inconvenience of it, but that’s why I haven’t said much despite a lot going on.

As I think I noted last time, my attendance has fallen off a cliff - I’ve still probably only gotten 20 or so people registered this entire month, when usually it’s 200-300 people. I’m currently down anywhere from 150-200 people from last year, depending on the day, and with people still only sliding in at one or less a day, I don’t see this dramatically changing in the next five days. So the thing I feared all along since the election but never saw the slightest indication of has finally happened in the 11th hour - I’m down about 15%. Which, surprisingly, I can manage to weather financially just this one time - the event is paid for as of a couple of days ago, and my early ticket sales will pay for me to live until February as long as I live frugally. Beyond that is a giant black hole.

But I did make the executive decision to pull the extra day from my remaining two contracts. At this point I think I’d be crazy to assume things will magically be better next year - I think they’ll be far, far worse, honestly - so I need to really gird my loins and cut corners and just try to survive the next few years. I hate that this is where my business is at at nearly 30 years - at this point I should be successful and thriving and just coasting - but as the H reminds me, every business is suffering under Trump, especially ones like mine that aren’t essential in people’s lives and involve tourism. And ups and downs are to be expected - I’ve seen many. So it’s time to retract. I think I found a way to keep most of the new things without the extra day. It can be done. 

I reached out to my new contract lady, who answered me via WhatsApp because she’s on vacation in Australia (thankfully she answered!). She said she’d take my request to whatever team handles it - there’s still a chance they’ll just straight up say no or try to penalize me in some way - I just hope I get an answer before the event starts and I have to start selling tickets. I think it shouldn’t be a problem, though - I’ve done it before, and they know my numbers are down, and my contact told me the hotel has been very slow this summer. So everyone’s feeling it.

Beyond the annoyance of all that (and knowing if Kamala were president none of this would be happening), the operations of the event are fine, I guess? I’ve never had teachers be so flaky about getting me class titles - at this point for the first time ever I may just have to print up schedules with blanks on them. Everyone is being very last minute and it’s driving me nuts. So my work has also been dragged out far later than usual because of everyone else’s slacking, so I have more last minute tasks than I normally allow. But it’s all under control. I have a fairly low key weekend, thankfully, except for having to be bandleader in the scorching heat tomorrow (last Knott’s appearance, thank god) so I can get a lot of the more fiddly tasks done. Then two more days and then I pack up and head to the hotel Wednesday. Honestly, I’m relieved this is the last year starting on Thursday - I think it’s going to be exhausting, and I think at the end of it all of us are going to be secretly or not-so secretly wishing it still started on Friday. So now we (hopefully) get to return to that after just one year. Everyone will understand, especially if I keep the extra stuff they like, which I will. This also makes the school situation much better for us since this year it’s super complicated getting me to the hotel Wednesday but the kids still have school Thursday. It’s messy.

In other news, the start of school has gone well - Theo fills me in every day about his “kinder helper” tasks which is beyond adorable; Bobby is annoyed he has to put his phone in a pouch every day (I also think this is stupid) and complains a lot about having to be back at school and all the homework; I guess I can’t blame him, I’m sure I did the same. Especially when I was in 8th grade and things started to get really hard and involve a lot more work, which they have for him, too. 

So this may be my last post before my event. I’m sure we’ll have the usual dramas and failures but I’m just hoping everything runs as it should, people buy tickets for next year, and I can exhale for a few months. See you on the other side. 

First day of 6th & 8th grade

Summer is officially over - the boys started 6th and 8th grade today. It’s the first year in two years that nobody is starting a new school, which means the anxiety level is much lower than usual. Since the kids are apparently past the school supply age (neither class had any info on what was needed), I just stuffed their back packs with left over folders, spiral notebooks, pens and pencils from previous years, and left it at that. I figure as long as they have something to write with and write on, we’re good.

Theo’s school didn’t announce the teacher assignments until yesterday, so on our way to lunch we all dropped by the school to see who Theo got. It’s another teacher I’ve never heard of; I hope this year goes better than last. Bobby, in a rare moment of affection, said it was weird that this was the last year we would ever be looking for teacher assignments for Theo - he said, to him, Theo would always be in third grade. Hard agree. 

This morning we were all discombobulated and off our game, and we weren’t the only ones - there was a horrific traffic jam leading up to Theo’s school, to the point that I had Theo hop out and walk (I’m going to guess he barely made it by the final bell). Bobby’s school, further down the road a few blocks, was also pandemonium. I don’t remember it being like that last year, although we may have come a different way. 

This year as his elective Bobby chose something called Music Lab, which of course delighted me. Although most likely it’s just composing music on software which is something he already does (one of his songs was chosen for use by a video game he plays), I’m hoping it’ll spark something in him. 

So now we’re back to our old habits. Even though it’s only been two months, it feels like an eternity since I was getting up this early, picking up kids from the library, making sure they do homework, etc etc. I’m kind of glad they started on Thursday so we can ease into it. I’m guessing not much will happen at school in these two days. 

For me, I’m in the thick of it with my event - long to do lists every day that keep getting put off by endless customer service emails. The latest mess was messaging everyone to remind them that the new Thursday night dance is not included in the weekend pass, after seeing that only about 10% of attendees had bought tickets for that night. This unfortunately caused a flood of angry emails of people feeling like they were being ripped off and swearing this was never advertised (it was, clearly, from day one). I had to call an emergency meeting with my staff to figure out what to do when 800 angry people show up on Thursday, shocked that they’re being required to shell out even more money. Because I guarantee only a small portion of people even read that email. Some thought they had a special pass that included the dance (there’s no such thing). Others thought because they were in a dance contest that night that they didn’t need a ticket (what? How…?). Chalk this up to an endless series of “how could you possibly think that??” To me all of this was crystal clear - but obviously not understood by 90% of attendees. I realized I can’t do this this way ever again - but then that eliminates much needed revenue from those tickets (and no, raising the weekend pass price won’t help, because I’m already doing that next year to cover other expenses, and I can only raise it so much). 

Put this together with the fact that, as of this month, my registration is falling off a cliff. There is now no doubt that I will lose people - I’m guessing 100, possibly 150. Which is not good, and what I had feared all along, yet, bizarrely, was not apparent until two weeks ago. Up until end of July I had consistently had exactly the same amount of people as last year, and then BAM, I’m now 50+ people behind. There’s no way I’m going to catch up in two weeks; I’ll be lucky to not lose 150 people. It really sucks, because if I’d had any kind of heads-up I at least could have prepared more. But here we are two weeks out and I’m suddenly looking at being behind by $30,000 - $50,000. I’m just hoping the money I make during the event is enough to just pay for it, and that I sell enough advance tickets during the weekend to survive until February. I hope I just hang in there, although I fear economic and political situations will only get worse by 2026. I don’t feel a need to cancel the extra things I’ve added, although if it gets to February and my attendance is tanking, I may not have a choice. I’ve been through economic downturns before and always survived - I have no mortgage anymore, we can do cheap camping trips, I can tighten the belt as needed. But the worry with events is always that you’ll lose that momentum - as people stop coming, people stop coming - nobody wants to go to a dying event that everyone’s decided isn’t the place to be anymore. I hope to god that isn’t my fate! I need this thing to at least last another 17 years!!

Three weeks out

The event is three weeks away and I’ve got the usual “oh my god how am I going to get all of this done” panic, with the knowledge that it will all get done, actually, like it always does. Friday I went out to the shed and poked around in last year’s boxes, which is always an odd time capsule. The boxes themselves were filthy, and it took me over two hours in the stifling heat to inventory and select the band t shirts which annoyed me to no end. I also discovered that a couple hundred dollars in unsold jackets got ruined by being placed in front of a window in a clear box, something I would have been mindful of but obviously whoever stacked that there didn’t think about. Sigh.

Right now the thing I had been worried about all year might actually, finally, be coming true, which is my sales have completely dried up since the price increase on the 1st, and I am now about 50 people behind last year, the biggest gap I’ve seen yet. I’m starting to think that prediction that I could lose 100-200 people because of Trump’s bullshit just might finally start happening in these last three weeks, despite being completely at par up until ten days ago. It’s mind blowing that there was zero indication of anything amiss until just now at the 11th hour, but here we are. Could it still turn around? Maybe, but that hasn’t been the case since the pandemic - usually the final month is pretty slow. I think there’s a chance I could break 1000, but that still puts me 100 people behind the last three years (and $30,000 less in revenue, plus the $30,000 extra I’m paying for the extra year, putting me $60,000 less than last year. Ugh). It’s been dead as a doornail for nearly two weeks; I think I’ve gotten maybe ten people? So I might have to accept that I’m going to lose a significant amount of people this year, and prepare for more as this country continues to go down the shitter. God, what does 2026 have in store for us?? I don’t even want to think about it.

We have three days at home with no school this week before the kids start school - tomorrow we’re spending the day at a waterpark (probably not a great idea since Mondays are busy for me - it’s going to be hard to turn off and relax), then hanging around at home, then school. Bobby still has to do one of his summer reading book reports, and I still have to get information about what they’re doing Thursday (Bobby’s classes, Theo’s teacher). I figure I’ll just send them in with a few supplies we have at home - notebooks, pens, pencils - and take it from there. Boy is this school start less stressful than last year!! Everyone is familiar with their environment, and we have a system in place for timely pickups (remember last year how I spent two hours each afternoon driving back and forth to pick them up? Omg!), so unlike last year I’m barely focused on their return to school. Weird how that changes.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m coming to realize I had some wrong ideas about parenting, as far as, how long I would actually be an involved parent. I think based on my own experience - remember, I was pretty much on my own at fourteen - I thought that once these kids are college-aged, I basically would never see them again. So I’ve been planning every vacation like it’s our last, and feeling like time is running out for us to exist as a family; but I’m starting to realize that that doesn’t have to be true. I mean, sure, I could cut them loose and just let them live private lives at a certain point, and some element of that is healthy and necessary. But certainly we can continue to do family trips well into their adulthood - why not? And with housing as it is and college as expensive as it is, there’s a very real possibility that they will both be living here a lot longer than just through high school. I don’t see any scenario in which either of these kids will be able to live in a dorm for four years; and moving out at all is going to be challenging. So as much as they’ll continue to grow and be independent and I’ll of course encourage that, it’s also not the late eighties/early nineties in which young adults can get a low-wage job and have their own apartments, not in LA, anyway. Not now. Maybe in five years if we overthrow this fascist regime, but I’m not going to hold my breath. 

Midsummer

My event is starting to hit in earnest. Just 4 1/2 weeks to go, nearly a week of which I’ll be gone to NY for a very intimidating stint singing with a trio at Birdland (I leave Thursday). 

I don’t feel crazed yet - everything feels well mapped out and under control - but I did take a bit of a knock down of enthusiasm when two people tried fighting with me over my policies (and it’s the same argument I have several times a year, and it drives me absolutely bonkers), and it reminded me of how gnarly things are about to get, as it’s the final month and all the chaotic people start coming out of the woodwork with their multitudinous problems and issues that I have to somehow magically fix (usually by bending the rules). Sigh. It’s not pleasant, but here is where I start earning the money. 

It’s the boys’ penultimate week of rec center camp. According to Theo, there are no other kids their age there - the closest kid to his age is nine, and this week I noticed on the sign-in sheet that Bobby was the only CIT. I had been hoping we could push this camp for at least a couple more years, but now I’m wondering if they’re going to tell me next year that they don’t want to go anymore. Again, this is a problem for another time. But it’s obvious this particular camp is skewed towards little kids - most are in the 5-7 ballpark - so I don’t know how much appeal it’ll continue to have, honestly. At the moment they’re not complaining about it - I think on some level they like being out of the house doing activities rather than being glued to screens indoors all day - and I don’t ask their opinion on it. Grateful to have this inexpensive resource, for now. 

I’ve been in “tackle your demons” mode lately, so decided to address head-on the issue of my painful toe and how I end up limping through all my singing gigs (this is a lot more apparent now as I’m singing more often than usual). I had a sad moment where I realized I just can’t wear any of my shoes anymore. The combination of even the slightest heel and a tight toe box leave me in excruciating pain; but finding wide enough shoes that still look somewhat dressy and vintage that aren’t Mary Janes seems like a unicorn. After extensive research I actually found at least one pair that works - I’ve ordered three online, returned one, and am waiting on one more. I’m glad I have one pair to bring to NYC. I hope the other pair arrives in time and is workable. I need these for my event, too. No more screwing around, I need to fix this problem, pronto. I’ll save my actual heels for when I get a cortisone shot and can live pain-free for a few weeks each year. 

So soon we’ll be in school mode; it’ll be the last year that Theo will have one teacher, and I’ll be scrambling to see who he got and who’s in his class. I keep checking both their school sites for supply lists but there aren’t any yet; I may end up just sending them in with some notebooks and pens and pencils and see if that’s good enough. Thankfully we have so many leftovers from previous years that I may not have to actually buy anything. I’m going to have an eighth grader. Crazy!