Last week of summer (sorta)

I’m already in mourning that it’s the last week of summer (break), which is odd, because the kids should be mourning it while I should be celebrating (cue the old commercial with the parent joyfully tossing school supplies in a shopping cart while children sullenly drag their feet behind to the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”). It’s mostly because we’re facing down a new school, and I’m scared. Also I discovered via my friend who’s kid already goes there that afterschool care is not easy to get - that although she filled out a request form last year like I did for this year, her kid just never got a spot. At our old school there were always rumblings about not having spots, but somehow they always squeezed everyone in, so I’m finding this a little shocking. Mostly, it’s not an emergency, just an annoyance - as well noted, I have the extreme privilege of being home all day so picking them up any time is not a problem. But, for these first weeks while I’m preparing for my event it is indeed a problem having kids at home as early as 1:30 on Tuesdays and noon on any of the stupid “minimum days” that pop up randomly, and there are other days where this just isn’t practical - I’ve actually got two traveling gigs with the band in September and October, and the H having to pretty much barely go to work for a day or two is far from ideal. And I think it’s important for the kids to have free outdoor playtime with other kids for an hour or two after school. I know there will be a solution to this - maybe they will get spots, or my friend and I will work out some kind of buddy system (she’s already said she can pick them up the day after CH when getting home from the airport by 1:30 will be totally impossible), or we’ll set up some schedule by which the kids can go places in the area for a little bit just to give me more breathing room (the library across the street, for example). But still - what a pain in the ass. I’m missing the old school, and their freedom to walk home, already. However, my friend informed me that our wonderful principal is leaving the old school, so I’m feeling less bad about leaving. With all the best teachers exiting and now the principal, it makes me wonder what the school will really be like going forward, and makes me glad we’re trying something new. And again, our days were numbered there anyway. Sooner or later we would have faced the dilemma of having kids picked up on time every day. Might as well be now.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed and dysregulated (my new favorite word) lately, and I think perimenopause is at least partially to blame. I feel very weepy and emotional, while also being pretty much exhausted all of the time and with a hair trigger temper. I know that there’s only one answer to this - exercise and clean eating - but both of those things feel totally impossible at the moment. After the event, sure, but right now I just don’t have the bandwidth to try to start a new exercise routine with all the planning/research/equipment/commitment that takes. And I can’t walk because it’s too hot (although I am committed to walking every day after dropping kids at school starting Monday, when it’ll be early and cool enough and there’s nothing else I can really get done at 8 AM anyway). Last night I got into it with the H because he got a condescending, shaming tone with me that I found really offensive - and while I’m glad I called him out on it and he of course apologized, it was still messy and I’m still unraveling my feelings about the whole incident and had horrible nightmares all night about being in a small boat in an ink black sea with waves and waves threatening to topple me. That’s where I’m at, mentally. Maybe I should just listen to the most recent Radiohead album I just downloaded and really exorcise whatever demon I’m wrestling with.

In other news, I posted in my ex-religion FB group about my potential podcast and there was some interest there, so I figure I have at least 10 people I can interview, with hopefully more when/if I actually start producing something that people can vet for themselves. I have a source for free intro music and possibly a free logo designer, and have fleshed out a list of questions and an intro. Now I just have to make decisions about the technical part - how to record, where to post, etc etc. This has been one bright spot for me, having this new project to look forward to.