Fear and loathing

I sort of put the fear of covid on the back burner for a while because I figured “if I catch it now, it’ll be ideal because I’ll be recovered in time and will go into the event with kick ass immunity”. Well, I didn’t catch it, and now is the worst possible time to get it - just in time to start getting sick right before the event so that I can’t even go. This realization has sent me into a full-blown panic. I can’t get sick. I can’t.

And yet, anecdotally, it seems like everyone around me is catching it right now. I’ve had about six friends and their kids get it in the last week, plus our neighbors, and an event running this weekend in Minneapolis apparently was down a front desk person and several musicians. There’s a massive spike happening, once again, right on top of our event, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Of course this weekend was full of covid-tastic events - massive Metallica concert Friday night (the H and I had masks glued to our faces), a packed nightclub gig for me last night (had mask glued to my face except when I was singing), two indoor mall birthday parties for the kids yesterday, and now my final Knott’s gig tonight (at least it’s outdoors). I cannot get sick this week. I cannot. But the kids will be in school, and the H works with people all day with no mask. I can’t control my environment, and that’s horrifying right now.

I did have the thought, as I was freaking out about it, that the idea of staying home and directing the whole event from my phone actually sounds kind of awesome. I mean, everyone knows what they’re doing - as long as all the stuff gets there on Friday, other than singing, is my physical presence really that necessary, in a pinch? Well, let’s hope we don’t have to find out.

This is the first time I’ve had to deal with this - last year I had immunity so had no fear, and of course the two years before were canceled. Right now we’re all well, so I’m just going to keep that thought. Every morning we wake up with no symptoms through Friday will be a blessing. Just five more days, that’s all we need. Five days of waking up symptom-free. 

This of course doesn’t help when it comes to all the other non-replaceable people who won’t be taking this week before as cautiously - the teachers, the musicians, the sound guys, the judges, the volunteer staff, the camera guys, the DJs, etc etc. The list goes on and on. There’s no way none of those people will contract it in the next few days, and there’s no way to have a backup plan for every single person. It’s just an impossible situation to be in. 

Everyone I’ve talked to said they don’t care if they get it during the event, they just want to make it to the event. I’ve only had one person cancel due to catching it, and one due to fear of catching it. I’m sure these numbers will start increasing next week. But hey, at least I won’t have to deal with last year’s last minute freak out which was realizing pretty much no one had gotten the required booster. I don’t ever want to go through that again.

Right now attendance is at a respectable number - below my hopes and below 2019 still, but only by a couple hundred people. Not sure at this moment how the money will shake out. I know it won’t be great and I also won’t be destitute, so there’s that. I do worry for next year when it’s not an anniversary year, but I get the feeling not many people really care about that - right now it’s more “can I afford this this year”, and for a lot of people that answer is no. We’ll see how that changes for better or worse next year.

Today the boys are at Knott’s on my final free passes while I go sing later. Yesterday was a mad dash to two birthday parties very far apart - I literally spent the entire day driving hundreds of miles to drop them off and pick them up; plus walking four miles in circles in a giant mall looking for a Dave and Busters; I loathe those giant malls with the heat of 10,000 suns. It sucked I couldn’t stay at any of the parties to chat with parents - we all have so many questions about junior high schools and magnet points and who’s going where; now’s when I need to talk to other parents the most, and yet I had to run out each time, with apologies. Sigh. At least the parents remembered to include our kids even though they’re at a different school now. Apparently school tours are already filling up - as much as I still want the kids to go to the local jr/sr high, I know I need to look at other options as well, especially with Bobby now being labeled as highly gifted, which opens more doors. So that’ll be a priority after next weekend. 

My hurricane

So, many of you may be aware that California (and Mexico, and other Pacific Coast areas) were subject to my namesake hurricane over the weekend. Despite lots of worry on my part for our desert place (the fear of it getting flooded after finally being completed was very real), it did just fine. I kept a hawk eye on the washes along the back via our security cameras, and although they were fast and full for a few hours during the day, they never filled up again, which was puzzling. I think the desert areas to our west - Palm Springs, Cathedral City, etc, took the brunt of it. Honestly, we’ve seen and even experienced first hand far gnarlier storms out there. It was definitely a wake up call that we have to build some kind of berm along the west and north sides of our place - that’s where all the water pools. 

It’s been a surreal few days for a few reasons - one, Theo came home from school with a fever and a covid test on Thursday; tested negative, but was still feverish and not eating so I kept him home Friday and shuttled Bobby back and forth to school alone. Then Saturday he was recovered so they both went to their dental appointments, then we all went to see Raising Arizona at the new local art house theater (Bobby liked it, Theo was bored), then we hunkered down for the storm in the strangely humid and heavy weather. My penultimate Knott’s gig was canceled Sunday morning and I spent yesterday keeping an eye on the cabin and watching movies; then word came that school would be closed today. Even though the storm was over overnight, they couldn’t guarantee the safety of the school buildings at such short notice, so for the fourth day in a row I’m home with kids. At about 9 last night our power went out; by this morning it hadn’t been restored, and I scrambled to figure out how to keep kids entertained and fed all day with no internet or tv and not wanting to open the fridge. I was busily re-structuring my day when at about 11 the power came back, despite having spent over an hour on hold with the power department just to be told they had no updates. 

While I’m extremely grateful that our place(s) suffered no damage and our power is on and we’re all safe, I’m so rattled by a weekend of worry and two school days of having kids home when I didn’t expect to that I’m having a hard time focusing or being effective; I feel like my brain is short circuiting. Like…this wasn’t in the plans. Thankfully I’ve gotten a great deal of the most fidgety projects done in advance so there’s not a ton to do this week other than customer service, but there’s still lots of loose ends hanging, and I only have this week and four days next week and then we’re on. As always I’m convinced I’ve made tons of mistakes and have forgotten urgently needed things. In fact I keep finding mistakes, which doesn’t give me confidence. But hey, at least I’m finding them in time to correct them, right?

I’m very much looking forward to getting back to school routines, which reminds me of how unmoored I always feel without school as a grounding mechanism. It really is true that school is our co-parent. Even with shorter days and having to pick kids up so early, it’s still comforting to get up with somewhere to go and the understanding that I’ll have the house to myself for at least a few hours. Today I put the kids on wait lists for afterschool clubs that, if they’re admitted, will garner another hour before pickup one or two days a week. I don’t expect them to be admitted, however. They need to go together otherwise it’s pointless, and there just aren’t enough spots for everyone. I’m not going to hold my breath on that or the afterschool coming through for us. I’ve pretty much resigned myself to early pickups every day. It’s fine. 

Getting in the groove

It’s been four days at the new school and we’re getting in the groove. I figured out the proper route to be in line for the “safety valet” drop off each day (I never realized how important this is until I needed it) which makes drop offs a breeze. Pick ups are a bit different - I saw a whole thread on FB yesterday about how chaotic pick up time is at all schools - but since I have the luxury of going early, and having both kids with watches where we can communicate, I’ve been using both of those tools. If I get there 1/2 hour early there’s usually parking, and I can tell them where I am. It’s a complicated jigsaw puzzle compared to how things were at the old school, but I’m just working with it because I have no choice. 

I have been getting my ass out for walks each day, and even though it’s a little uncomfortably hot even at 8-9AM, I’ve been managing. I figure now, right before my event, I need the physical/mental help that even moderate exercise gives more than ever. I plan to reclaim my body once the event is over - look into yoga again, keep up with the walking, keep up with the dieting. I’ve failed miserably to lose weight before my event - the combo of visiting family/my birthday/our trip made it just impossible, as I’d feared - and I’m going into this event the heaviest I’ve ever been at the event, 5 lbs heavier than last year. I’ve had to alter my costumes or buy new ones. It sucks. But I’m determined to keep on top of my health while also forgiving myself for the times I can’t. It’s an ongoing process. La lucha continua.

I’ve decided definitively to sell tickets at the event - and was reminded why I don’t do this, ha ha. I realized that during the event, I have to make everything live, which in this case means putting a link on my website, activating all the tickets and making that live, and posting all over social media. While I’m at my event. No one else can do this for me. And we have to announce it and put QR codes everywhere, but we can’t do any of this until Sunday night so people don’t accidentally buy next year’s pass for this weekend (next year’s will be cheaper to start). It’s complicated but I can’t think of a better way; the idea is to grab people while they’re there and excited, not when they get home and are exhausted and feeling broke. Anyway, it’s an experiment - I don’t imagine lots of people will go for it - but again I can’t think of any reason not to sell them now, and it might just help break up that big push in February. Worth a shot.

For now we have a somewhat mellow weekend going - we’re going to see Raising Arizona at a new local movie theater, I’ve got my penultimate Knott’s gig, and other than that I plan to just chill and hopefully not do a lot of customer service. 

We’ve been in the pool each day after school which makes me feel a lot richer than I actually am at the moment. 

First day of 4th and 6th grade

After a weekend of moderate anxiety over what would happen today, at last today came and went, and, as hoped, everything worked out. 

Being me, I barely slept, and got the kids to school so early that we were in fact able to park and walk in. The poster with rosters still had Theo in his other class, but I called the office (I rang the doorbell but no one answered) and they confirmed he had been moved. Phew! 

I also was early picking them up and was able to grab a spot and sit anxiously listening to cult podcasts until the bell rang. The experience of standing in a crowd of parents waiting for school to end is something I’ve pretty much never done, but it’s my life now. 

So, how was school? The kids just kind of shrugged and said it was fine. Ha. I was able to get out of them that Theo’s class has 27 kids, several from their summer camp, he had chicken nuggets for lunch, and when asked to come up with a word to describe how he was feeling, said “unimpressed”. I was mildly mortified by this until he said other kids said “traumatized” and “bored” so I guess his wasn’t so bad after all. Bobby said his class had twelve kids, he liked his teacher, and he ran but had a cramp and had to stop. Neither have homework tonight, and Theo’s heavy backpack full of supplies wasn’t addressed so he just brought it home. Huh. Mostly they just cared about post-first day ice cream, which we got.

It’ll be a while before I really figure out the drop off / pick up routine. I’m not going to expect to be able to park and walk each day. Hopefully soon I can just swing by in my pyjamas and scoop them up. Tomorrow I might heat up the pool and have swimming after school, since it’s going to be hot AF and they’ll be home by 2. Why not?

For me, work has consisted of the usual messes that happen in the last weeks of registration - people needing to fix mistakes, people trying to get discounts, people trying to unload passes they can’t use. I let myself not do a ton of things today since I was so anxious and just needed to focus on that and then kick ass the rest of the week. I’m glad I’m in a position where I can make room for those feelings and not have to squelch them to perform at a job. 

I’m considering selling tickets year round. I realize this is the exact opposite of what I was trying to do before - reduce my actual work time to just a few months - but I think that’s a bit of a pipe dream, as people still bug me with their issues whether I’m selling tickets or not. Since it’s so easy to set up next year’s registration on this new system (I did it already), and there will always be a few people who just want to grab their pass a year in advance, I figure, it can’t hurt. It will also spread out the sales so I won’t have one giant chunk of money coming in in a 24 hour period, which hopefully will make me less of a red flag for the credit card processing company. People like to buy people passes for Christmas and birthdays, I could use the extra cash to sock away, and overall I just can’t think of a reason to not do it (there may be tax implications, but I seriously doubt I’d make enough sales at the end of the year to affect much). So that’s a new thing I’m pretty close to pulling the trigger on. 

For now I’m going to try to get into a rhythm with this new school thing, get used to getting up early, and hopefully get out and hike now that I’m up at this new ungodly hour. 

Disorientation

We had the kids’ new school orientation today. In brief, it was a bit of a hot mess. I wore my best “responsible mom who would never swear in front of her kids” outfit, got us all up early to drive to the school…only to find that Theo had been moved out of the classroom we had been promised, the only one with a gifted cluster. What did I say about Theo falling through the cracks?

Thankfully I happened to bump into the teacher he was meant to have purely by accident, who said that yes, if Theo has the gifted designation that he should be in the class and to go to the office (which was the next step). Not surprisingly the office was pure chaos, with attendants running around wild eyed and kids sullenly standing around in corners while their parents pleaded whatever case they had - the person in front of us was a middle school kid who left their baseball glove behind last year and is there any way to track it down? - and our situation was no easier to sort out. Everyone was just confused and said they’d have to verify his gifted status (didn’t we already do all this?) and might get back to me today and might not. As it’s now after five, I’m going to say *not*. So, exactly, wtf are we supposed to do on Monday morning when Theo has to walk into school by himself (no parents allowed) and not know which classroom he’s supposed to be in…? I talked with some other parents and they said just have him go to the one with the gifted cluster - if nothing else he can tell the teacher he’s supposed to be there (thankfully he’s met us now) and maybe he can sort it out. But boy isn’t that an anxiety producing beginning of the school year! Jesus Christ. Like I wasn’t nervous enough, now I have to send my nine year old in there alone on Monday to deal with this mess. 

After this we sat through long, boring presentations that were mostly just a pitch to get us to join the pta, and then when it got to afterschool I could sense the less-informed parents low key panic as they realized that no, most likely your kid will not get into any program, and any other options don’t start for over a month and are also no guarantee of getting in. Good times. At least I was emotionally prepared for this. Many were not.

The gifted magnet presentation was last, and it didn’t tell me much, either - except when we were walking around looking at classrooms, the magnet coordinator randomly asked Theo who’s class he was in, and when we told her, she said, “you’re not supposed to be on this tour”. Great way to make Theo feel even more welcome! Jeez. I jumped in to explain we were here with our older boy and that’s why we stayed for this part, and I could tell she was flustered and said, “I don’t know why I said that.” Everyone was a stressed mess, and I get it. Working in education just seriously suck right now. I honestly don’t know how anyone does it. 

So, it was a very sucky introduction to this school, but honestly, I’m so used to things being stressful and shitty (just yesterday I got in a huge fight with one of our vintage clothing vendors and had to fire them - they were awful) that I figure this is just part of everything being sucky and shitty. It’s going to be a fucking brutal week with school starting on a messy note and all the complicated work I have to do with my event just over two weeks out, and now having to pick the kids up at 2:30 and 1:30 each day. Right now with the event it’s just one crisis after another, because that’s how it always is right now. 

No matter what, we will get settled in this school - it sounds to me like gifted kids are actually not supposed to be not at least in a cluster - we’ll get used to the newness and the routines and everything will get sorted out. And my event will come and go as it has 24 times before. I have lots of plans to cut costs and ease my load for next year, which gives me hope. And I made a “poverty retirement plan” based on my social security and possible income from renting this house if we move out to the desert, and hey, it’s doable. So. Despite everything being nuts at the moment, I’m taking it in stride. Sometimes things are just like that. 

Last week of summer (sorta)

I’m already in mourning that it’s the last week of summer (break), which is odd, because the kids should be mourning it while I should be celebrating (cue the old commercial with the parent joyfully tossing school supplies in a shopping cart while children sullenly drag their feet behind to the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”). It’s mostly because we’re facing down a new school, and I’m scared. Also I discovered via my friend who’s kid already goes there that afterschool care is not easy to get - that although she filled out a request form last year like I did for this year, her kid just never got a spot. At our old school there were always rumblings about not having spots, but somehow they always squeezed everyone in, so I’m finding this a little shocking. Mostly, it’s not an emergency, just an annoyance - as well noted, I have the extreme privilege of being home all day so picking them up any time is not a problem. But, for these first weeks while I’m preparing for my event it is indeed a problem having kids at home as early as 1:30 on Tuesdays and noon on any of the stupid “minimum days” that pop up randomly, and there are other days where this just isn’t practical - I’ve actually got two traveling gigs with the band in September and October, and the H having to pretty much barely go to work for a day or two is far from ideal. And I think it’s important for the kids to have free outdoor playtime with other kids for an hour or two after school. I know there will be a solution to this - maybe they will get spots, or my friend and I will work out some kind of buddy system (she’s already said she can pick them up the day after CH when getting home from the airport by 1:30 will be totally impossible), or we’ll set up some schedule by which the kids can go places in the area for a little bit just to give me more breathing room (the library across the street, for example). But still - what a pain in the ass. I’m missing the old school, and their freedom to walk home, already. However, my friend informed me that our wonderful principal is leaving the old school, so I’m feeling less bad about leaving. With all the best teachers exiting and now the principal, it makes me wonder what the school will really be like going forward, and makes me glad we’re trying something new. And again, our days were numbered there anyway. Sooner or later we would have faced the dilemma of having kids picked up on time every day. Might as well be now.

I’m feeling very overwhelmed and dysregulated (my new favorite word) lately, and I think perimenopause is at least partially to blame. I feel very weepy and emotional, while also being pretty much exhausted all of the time and with a hair trigger temper. I know that there’s only one answer to this - exercise and clean eating - but both of those things feel totally impossible at the moment. After the event, sure, but right now I just don’t have the bandwidth to try to start a new exercise routine with all the planning/research/equipment/commitment that takes. And I can’t walk because it’s too hot (although I am committed to walking every day after dropping kids at school starting Monday, when it’ll be early and cool enough and there’s nothing else I can really get done at 8 AM anyway). Last night I got into it with the H because he got a condescending, shaming tone with me that I found really offensive - and while I’m glad I called him out on it and he of course apologized, it was still messy and I’m still unraveling my feelings about the whole incident and had horrible nightmares all night about being in a small boat in an ink black sea with waves and waves threatening to topple me. That’s where I’m at, mentally. Maybe I should just listen to the most recent Radiohead album I just downloaded and really exorcise whatever demon I’m wrestling with.

In other news, I posted in my ex-religion FB group about my potential podcast and there was some interest there, so I figure I have at least 10 people I can interview, with hopefully more when/if I actually start producing something that people can vet for themselves. I have a source for free intro music and possibly a free logo designer, and have fleshed out a list of questions and an intro. Now I just have to make decisions about the technical part - how to record, where to post, etc etc. This has been one bright spot for me, having this new project to look forward to. 

Post trip wrap up

I’m back in work mode, which these days means pretty much working all the time, but with lots of breaks so I don’t burn out. Again I try to balance computer things, physical things, checking ahead and scheduling things, and house and kid things to keep my brain fresh and operating properly. It makes for a much better work day, I find.

I got an email from Bobby’s magnet with a class supplies list and an orientation notice (on the day the kids will be at Disneyland on the last day of camp, so I guess it’s just me going), but absolutely nothing for Theo. I had to go to the school website to find out about his orientation, fill out a form to show interest in their afterschool programs (no guarantee either kid will have any afterschool care at this point), and find an outdated class supplies list. I’m starting to wonder if he’s even registered or has been forgotten about. If I don’t hear anything by Friday I’ll call just to double check. But I get the feeling this is going to be our lives for at least the next two years - Bobby will get all the advantages and attention, whereas Theo, thrown into the general school population, will be forgotten, and I’ll have to work extra hard to make sure a) he doesn’t know this and b) I advocate for him. Sigh. 

The kids also need shoes and clothes in addition to probably over $100 in school supplies. It’s going to be an expensive month.

Prices for my event went up Monday night, and that actually went well - I now have just over 1000 people in attendance. Considering I had about 1400 in 2019 and this is my biggest anniversary year, this sucks, but again, I’m trying to change my perspective. We’re rebuilding. It’s going to take a while. With all the challenges with everything being so expensive, the hotel being full, and everything else, having 1000 people is a remarkable achievement. Will I get 1100 in a month? Maybe, maybe not. I expect a slow month going forward. But my goal had been to try to hit 1000 and I’ve done that with still a month to go, so for now I’m content. 

It’s starting to feel like end of summer, with all the melancholy that brings. As much as I want school to return to give us some structure, I’m also dreading it - I am not looking forward to getting up an hour, hour and a half earlier, rushing around, being stressed, the longer drive to and from the new school, not to mention the learning curve for me with a new school and not knowing how it will actually be for the kids, especially Theo. What if it doesn’t work out? Then there’s the relentless nagging about homework, the supplies I have to get and forms I have to fill out, all of the hyper vigilance required in those early weeks of school that fall right when my event is happening. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me exhausted. 

In other news, I have an idea for my post-event life that I think I could do with a minimum of effort and expense, which is to have a podcast about my former religion. I figured I would approach people (or just post) in my FB groups on the topic to see if anyone would be interested in telling their stories, and take it from there. I listen to so many ex-religion podcasts, but there isn’t one for mine. I don’t expect it to be a hit or to be anything really, except an enjoyable hobby of sorts. I love to interview people and am quite knowledgeable on this topic, having lived it, so if I can just get the nuts and bolts together (headphones, microphones, editing software), I figure, if people are willing to participate, it could be a fun and fulfilling project for me going forward.