Losing it

Today was both boys’ first day of school. After a last hurrah beach day yesterday, I hustled all night to get their stuff in order. Then we all got up at the crack o’ dawn after a tumultuous night (both boys had nightmares and needed a lot of comforting; I woke up every hour on the hour). We all went to Theo’s school first and then the BF took Bobby to his and I stayed with Theo at his new school.

His teacher was a very kind lady who has taught at the school for 32 years and says she’s teaching some of her first students’ kids. First they had the kids all sit down for a free breakfast, and as they were teaching the kids how to open their milks all of the parents started losing it, myself included. At one point I thought I would have to leave the classroom because I couldn’t contain myself. Then they walked all the red-eyed parents and the kids through the school for a little tour, and then seemed to get started on their day so the parents began to peel off.

I knew I was going to be a wreck today because I started feeling it last week - I was actually very emotional taking Theo to his last day of preschool; it was all over so quickly, just like any other day, with zero fanfare, unlike Bobby’s graduation. I wish Theo had been able to have that experience, but them’s the breaks I guess! 

Why do we feel sad when our babies meet certain milestones? It makes no sense; our entire job in life is to get them grown. I don’t want more babies and couldn’t have any more if I did want them; and I can’t say I much enjoyed their young selves. Yet all of a sudden I feel intense, crushing sadness. I didn’t feel this when my mother died. Maybe this is why I feel it now?

At least I know I’m not alone in these feelings, and in fact feeling this way quells my constant fear of “Am I a monster?” Surprise! I’m actually human and actually have maternal instincts. Hooray! 

Two good pieces of news - Theo can in fact go to their after school program, and both boys get access to breakfast and lunch at school. Theo told me he wants the school breakfast, so I’ll see if B wants breakfast at school, too, and if so, no more cooking breakfast for me! It also may mean not having to get up quite as early, too, since that will save a lot of time. It seems crazy to me to not have to cook breakfasts or make lunches - like I’m being deprived of my maternal responsibilities - but if the kids really want to eat at school instead of at home, I’m not going to stop them. And boy will it make mornings easier when we have no kitchen!

For today I’m going to go for a long walk to get my feelings out, and work. Take a deep breath. And maybe a little cry session in the car wouldn’t hurt.