More time

This thought has been on my mind all week. If only I had more time. Why is the last week before my event always such a crazed mess? Why do I always feel so overworked and stressed and run down? Surely some of this stuff could have been done earlier by me...no?

Why do you have time to write a blog, you ask? Because I need to take just a few moments on non-event activities before I lose my damned mind. I’ve been breathing, sleeping and living this event for weeks. I desperately need a break. 

It’s the time of year when being a full time parent becomes utterly intolerable. Being bogged down by cooking, laundry, homework, school pick ups and all the rest of it right now when I desperately need to be working is beyond frustrating. I’m doing my best to be upbeat and positive...but the cracks are showing.

It’s not helping that Theo has been awful the last couple of weeks. I mean, I don’t recognize this kid. He’s suddenly a little Tasmanian devil - not listening, being defiantly naughty, squirming and struggling and making every daily task just impossible. Is it the change in school? Me being distracted/short tempered/gone? Normal 4 1/2 year old developmental stuff? I don’t know but it’s made life way, way more difficult than it already is around now. Thankfully my mercurial Bobby has morphed into quite the little sweetheart lately, after years of difficulty. So often I’ve thought lately, while dealing with Theo and his current craziness, “you were supposed to be the easy one!!” 

Tonight I have hours of intense, detail-oriented work to do still, which is exactly not what my exhausted brain needs. And just one day left to wrap everything up. My day officially ends when I pick up Theo at two. That is not enough time, not by a long shot. This has been quite a shock for me - the reality of not having Theo at preschool until 5:30 three times a week. So far my work days have ended at two, one, and two this week. Now, I’m up earlier, and Theo is out of my hair by 8 AM rather than 9:30 like when we had preschool hours. But it doesn’t seem to help. I need those afternoons. 

Still, I keep reminding myself this is the last year I’ll ever have to deal with this - Theo will be eligible for afterschool next year, which means pick ups at 5:00 instead of 1:00 and 2:00. And every year they’ll be older and less high maintenance. And as of now I just have one more day of this schedule and then it’s over - Friday we pack up for the hotel, leave the boys in the hands of their trusted old babysitter, and disappear into event madness until Tuesday. And then everything will change.

How is the event going? Well. I have to admit last year, with all its 20th anniversary moving parts, was way more stressful. The new registration system has taken a huge burden off of me as I had hoped. And my numbers are really good - despite being technically an “off” year (the year right after a big anniversary year), I’m only behind by about 50 people, which is negligible at this point. So, that was a pleasant surprise. 

And so we head off to the 21st of my events. Those of us who are about to dance, salute you. 

First week

We’ve survived the first week at school, and, more importantly, the boys’ first weekend alone with daddy.

“Daddy”. The word still sticks in my throat a bit, but it’s a true term at this point - he is their dad. Even if we break up, he will still be their dad. If I die he will take over as parent. He is as invested in their future/happiness/development as I am. That’s a dad.

So I entrusted him with them from Thursday night until Sunday. And, big sigh, everything went just fine. He even didn’t leave the house a mess the way the babysitter does (filthy kitchen floor, toys everywhere, toothpaste all over the sink and towels), which shows that he listens to my gripes. He handled the school drop offs and pick ups ok, although he was late picking up Theo because he thought his pick up time was 2:30 instead of 2:18...which freaked me out until he told me there were other kids still waiting. I think all of us have that image of the scared, forgotten child sitting on the school steps. Thankfully that wasn’t the case here. I’m always so psychotically early for everything that I have no idea what happens after I’m done; how backed up parking gets, how mobbed with all the people who do things at the last minute (which is what most people do). 

I did a gig in Chicago this weekend, which went well - tough travel schedule with a red eye going and one hour’s sleep before heading back yesterday. And today I hit the ground running with just two weeks left until my event and tons of detailed work to do. Then on Thursday we do it all over again as I head to DC for another singing gig.

I still find myself pretty emotional about Theo growing up and all the changes in our lives...my brain is still struggling with all the new information and routines, and the kids are acting out a little which tells me they’re struggling to adjust, too. I wish I could say everything will be normal after my event is over...but it won’t. On the 17th my kitchen gets ripped apart, and I travel two-three weekends out of the month until the end of the year, not to mention a ten day trip to Thailand which I am sorely regretting at this point. If only that were next year and not this year. It’s going to be pretty chaotic until the end of the year.

Neither of the boys want breakfast at school and Theo is in fact not eligible for after school programs, so that’s that. 

Right now I’m treasuring the peace and quiet of a home where children are at school and no contractors are here (yet). 

Losing it

Today was both boys’ first day of school. After a last hurrah beach day yesterday, I hustled all night to get their stuff in order. Then we all got up at the crack o’ dawn after a tumultuous night (both boys had nightmares and needed a lot of comforting; I woke up every hour on the hour). We all went to Theo’s school first and then the BF took Bobby to his and I stayed with Theo at his new school.

His teacher was a very kind lady who has taught at the school for 32 years and says she’s teaching some of her first students’ kids. First they had the kids all sit down for a free breakfast, and as they were teaching the kids how to open their milks all of the parents started losing it, myself included. At one point I thought I would have to leave the classroom because I couldn’t contain myself. Then they walked all the red-eyed parents and the kids through the school for a little tour, and then seemed to get started on their day so the parents began to peel off.

I knew I was going to be a wreck today because I started feeling it last week - I was actually very emotional taking Theo to his last day of preschool; it was all over so quickly, just like any other day, with zero fanfare, unlike Bobby’s graduation. I wish Theo had been able to have that experience, but them’s the breaks I guess! 

Why do we feel sad when our babies meet certain milestones? It makes no sense; our entire job in life is to get them grown. I don’t want more babies and couldn’t have any more if I did want them; and I can’t say I much enjoyed their young selves. Yet all of a sudden I feel intense, crushing sadness. I didn’t feel this when my mother died. Maybe this is why I feel it now?

At least I know I’m not alone in these feelings, and in fact feeling this way quells my constant fear of “Am I a monster?” Surprise! I’m actually human and actually have maternal instincts. Hooray! 

Two good pieces of news - Theo can in fact go to their after school program, and both boys get access to breakfast and lunch at school. Theo told me he wants the school breakfast, so I’ll see if B wants breakfast at school, too, and if so, no more cooking breakfast for me! It also may mean not having to get up quite as early, too, since that will save a lot of time. It seems crazy to me to not have to cook breakfasts or make lunches - like I’m being deprived of my maternal responsibilities - but if the kids really want to eat at school instead of at home, I’m not going to stop them. And boy will it make mornings easier when we have no kitchen!

For today I’m going to go for a long walk to get my feelings out, and work. Take a deep breath. And maybe a little cry session in the car wouldn’t hurt.

The summer of our discontent

It’s the summer of our discontent. My sister coined this phrase - between her home selling woes and now being in Brazil to deal with our mother’s mess (crooked landlords, recalcitrant banks), and my refrigerator woes and general Camp stress, we’re both just in it right now.

It’s hot as hell with no sign of letting up - triple digit temperatures and intense dryness that is killing all of my plants and trees, even the well established ones. I am desperately trying to nurse my old avocado tree back to life with regular waterings, which is, whoopee, another thing I have to remember to do every day. Trees are dying everywhere; our entire city is brittle and dry and dead. It’s so fucking depressing I want to cry. This is our new normal.

At least I have working AC. For this I am profoundly grateful. I won’t soon forget last year’s torture when my ancient AC broke and I had to endure interior temperatures of upwards of 96 degrees while I was in the throes of the final push before my event. That sucked.

After four days of repair guy visits, I still don’t have a working fridge. He was supposed to have “one last thing” to do this morning - only to pronounce that no, after four days of welding and fluids and replacing parts and charging, it’s not, in fact, the compressor or any of the other parts, but the computer system that’s shot. Mother. Fucker. This is four days of being interrupted and stuck at home, not being able to use the kitchen at all to cook for cranky kids, and going to the store each day to buy that night’s food to cook, always with the promise that that night I would have a working refrigerator. Now...who knows. The ice in the “freezer” of the mini fridge was so out of control that it was pushing the door open and everything was rotting; I had to chip away at that just to try to get this thing to limp through a few more days. Oh, and of course I have to pay for this part because it’s not under warranty. Another $200. And the repair guy says once the fridge is fixed try to sell it because it’ll just break again in a year or two. Sears and Kenmore, you can both go fuck yourselves. 

I finally broke down and bought a giant 5 gallon bottle of water since I’m sick of giving the kids toxic sink water to drink, and today I ate a brownie and watched Bachelor in Paradise while lying in bed in the middle of the day because I got my period five days early which now means I get to have it all during my event. For the third year in a row.

One more day of camp for Theo, one more day of preschool. Two more days of camp for Bobby. Then I have to figure out how to entertain them for three days before school starts. 

I long for cool fall days with my event over, my fridge fixed, my satellite kitchen set up and the real one being rebuilt, children in school, and everything right in the world. That day will come, in about a month.

But right now - ugh!

The final week

Isn’t it funny when things are about to end, how they suddenly become intolerable even though they’ve been fine for years? I am counting the days - hours, really - until the Preschool Shuffle is over. I cannot wait until my life simplifies and these boys are in real school. I’m ready to un-crowd my brain.

I stumbled upon a potential new summer camp for next year - a sports camp that is also through the parks system and is half what I’m paying now. The boys are dying to get involved in sports - I’ve put it off because I know what a huge commitment these things are, and I just don’t want to add one more thing into our lives. But a sports camp could introduce them to a variety of sports and we can see without commitment what real interest or aptitude they have and get ideas on how to continue past camp if we decide to. So I’ve left myself a note for next spring to look into it.

I also am considering getting a pet at some point. It would for sure have to wait until after the kitchen is done - so maybe for Christmas? I feel once Theo is in school I can handle another creature to take care of - and it can help the kids learn some responsibility. The consensus so far is for a cat. Luckily I have a friend who runs a cat rescue who can help us find a good fit for the family. Let’s face it, when Theo is in school I’m going to need something to cuddle. 

I hustled this week. I got a lot done, and hope to have pretty much everything locked up by the time I take my first band trip on the 17th. I want to be able to focus on the boys’ return to school on the 14th. 

Luckily I came home today to the DWP guy here spotting a new place for my electric panel, and the solar people called me back about moving the monitoring equipment, so there won’t be a months-long delay after all. The plan is to start in mid-September. Now I only have to choose lighting, paint colors, wallpaper (vintage of course), and a new dishwasher. The electric bid came in about four times what I expected which stresses me out. We are officially in “I can’t afford this but somehow I’ll make it work” territory. Boy is it going to be worth it but boy is it going to be a tough road getting there!

Sound familiar?