Separation Anxiety

Like just about everyone with a conscience, I’ve spent this week in absolute horror over the travesty going on at our border right now. Children being ripped away from parents and held in cages...thousands that will probably never see their parents again, their only crime trying to escape gang violence and crushing poverty. It’s horrendous. I can hardly function for how much stress and anxiety this is causing me, and it’s not even happening to me. And the monsters in my Facebook feed trying to justify it. A friend called these people out as Nazi sympathizers and I agree. I am beside myself.

It doesn’t help that right as this story was ramping up over the weekend, my nanny of more than three years abruptly quit Saturday night, leaving me stranded for the ten + traveling weekends coming up in the next few months she had agreed to, including my event, and my trip to Budapest, and my ten days in Thailand in December. It was nothing personal - she is just feeling burnt out, and now has a very demanding weekday job working with a new baby where she can’t just take off Fridays and Mondays every couple of weeks. I get it, and I knew this day would come. But I am thoroughly freaked out. It would be one thing if I had a normal fall with just a couple of trips - but it’s literally about two or three weekends I’m gone every month until December. Where am I going to find someone who has that kind of availability?!?

I started my search on Urban Sitter where I found a good sitter years ago before I started using this lady exclusively. It’s a lot like online dating - you look at the profile and try to get a vibe from their picture, send a bunch of copy and paste introductory messages, and then wait. So far I’ve written to about fifteen people and gotten five responses. I’ve scheduled three interviews, one which happened last night. I really liked this girl, but to my surprise she has a full time job and couldn’t do the Friday-Monday school stuff. I think this will be the case for most people. Yes, they can work nights and weekends, but they can’t pick a kid up from school at 2 PM. And Theo is too young for any after school programs, otherwise none of this would be an issue. Ughhhh.

This is where having a partner really helps. The BF had already been coming home the occasional weeknight to watch the boys when I go to my book clubs, go DJ, etc, and watching them on those long weekend days when I have something else I need to do. This is a fairly new phenomenon, and I am extremely grateful I have someone who actively wants to spend this time with the kids. I think I never asked before just out of habit - I was used to paying sitters for every little thing. But as our sitter became less and less available he really stepped up. Still - he does need to work, and can’t take entire weekdays off plus the whole weekend. So we’re trying to figure out a patched-together system wherein he can get the kids to school in the morning, he can pick them up and then wait for a sitter to come by in the evening and then he can get back to work. It’s kind of a mess but it’s the only way right now, unless I find someone who’s free on weekdays. 

Once next summer rolls around and Theo can be at afterschool with his brother until 5:30 everything will be different. But for now this is our life. How I wish I didn’t have those two long international trips back to back-!

I’m having all those feelings I’ve heard mothers describe when their long time nannies quit - the betrayal, abandonment, sadness. The fear of having to start from scratch with a new person with a thousand details, the fear of getting someone who turns out to be a nightmare. I’m triggered.

Oh, and of course this week’s (well, every week’s) episode of Handmaid’s Tale is all about mothers ripped away from children...of course. 

When does that Mr. Rodgers documentary open, again? I seriously need some feel good entertainment right now!