Comme ci comme ça

So. This is how my days are going. When Bumpus is happy and behaving well, I feel like super mom. When he's miserable and throwing fits I feel like an utter failure. And so it goes.

What about the baby, you ask? I don't want this to sound weird, but Theo is a bit of a non-entity at the moment, simply because by virtue of being a newborn that mostly sleeps, he is incredibly easy. He's kind of like having a cat. Sleeps. Eats. Hangs out on my chest in the carrier most of the time. That said I find myself utterly delighted by him. I love to cuddle, kiss, and stare at him. I look forward all day to the moment I can wrap him up in his little swaddler and cuddle up next to him for the night. Because I have no PTSD from the birth his presence is nothing but joyful for me. But Bumpus...Bumpus!

Yesterday was perfectly awful and I had a horrible dark moment of feeling like an incompetent idiot. Then today he was just a delight to be with all day. Who knows what causes these things? In the morning I stare at his door and wonder what's waiting for me in there - sweet happy personable Bumpus, or horrid oppositional exasperating Bumpus? It's a bit like being in an abusive relationship. You just never know which side of this person you're going to be subjected to - or what you may have done to bring on that side. And in the end it's nothing you've done - it's not you, it's them.

Having an easy newborn has shined a light on just how frigging hard toddlers are...and how completely out of my depth I am being his sole caretaker. I can't believe I once thought I had such an advantage being able to be a stay at home mom. Nope. Doesn't work for me - not past one year old, anyway. Everything that comes after is just hella hard. I'm going to check in with the preschool where he's on a waiting list - even a few hours a week would be so very helpful. He's desperate for the social interaction and stimulation. And mama needs a break.

So today was a good day. Kept us busy, tended to some neglected bills and work issues (such as pulling our band out of a wedding gig next month that's become more trouble than it's worth), Bumpus happily ate dinner (hurrah), kept the baby fed and content. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. At least B is quite interested in his little brother (calls him "bebes" and loves to pet him like a kitty) and does not seem threatened by him; doesn't even freak out when I'm feeding him which is a relief. When they're both in their car seats I can see in the reverse mirrors that B looks over at T the whole time, just watching him.

Some day these children will be older, potty trained, self-entertaining, and enjoy each other. I can't wait for that day-!