SAHM blues

So, I know many of you don't want to hear what's in this post. I know many of you would give your eye teeth to be able to stay home all the time with your child and not have to work. And I still feel very grateful for this fact. However. Spending all day, 24 hours a day, alone with a toddler, with no help and no breaks, right now - totally, totally blows.

I would give my eye teeth for a little part time pre-school or daycare right now. But apart from the occasional few hours on a weekend, that is completely out of the question financially. I am so envious of people who can escape to a job during the day and then really spend quality time with the kid(s) in the evenings and on weekends. 

It's not that I was unprepared for how hard it would be, or how hard this age would be, or how hard it would be when l'il B finally escaped his playpen. Much like being induced, I knew it was going to be horrible. And it was. And at this moment the toddler phase is just as awful as I had anticipated.

I spent the day with a child who would not stop screaming. He's not mad or upset - he just enjoys it. And it makes my ears ring and gives me headaches. Nothing makes him stop. Not covering his mouth, not ignoring it, not pleading or threatening. Today I had to endure fellow shoppers covering their ears and glaring at me, no doubt thinking what a horrible parent I am because he won't stop screaming. If I were a different kind of person I would have hauled off and slapped him. HARD. But please know I would never do that, ever. I can only imagine the look of hurt and betrayal he would give me and the guilt that would plague me for the rest of my life. So no, no hitting. But boy did I feel like it for a minute there-!

Every day he tears the entire house apart. It's like a hurricane hit that I have to clean up after he's gone to bed every single night - when I'm already exhausted and fed up and my new belly makes bending over already very unpleasant. He doesn't play with anything - just dumps everything on the floor, climbs on something, falls, and screams. That's our day. And it fucking sucks.

Fortunately I was able to spontaneously meet up with a friend with a similar aged child and we were actually able to sit and have lunch, and she made me feel slightly less of a horrible person. She said that yes, being home for any length of time with a toddler is miserable, and she also hates the screaming/dumping of toys etc etc. Thank God, I'm not just an evil control freak! 

I do believe many women just LOVE kids of all ages and think everything they do is precious and a gift from the baby Jesus. I SO wish I were one of these sweet women. But I am not. I lead a very adult life for a very long time and this is all a total shock to me. The last couple of weeks I've felt like a marauding rhinoceros has moved into my house and there's nothing I can do about it - and that complaining about it makes me an ungrateful witch. 

However, I would like to point out with much gratitude that B's sleep has been awesome (not so much as a toe over the edge of that pack 'n play since I told him he'd better not dare get out one more time); because he dropped naps he now sleeps until almost 8 sometimes (awesome); he eats like a champ, actually enjoys brushing his teeth (God bless 'm), and from what I witness in my mommy groups is still a really good, easy kid. It pains me to call the kid I endured today "easy", but believe you me, I know there are a lot of mothers of toddlers out there suffering way worse than I but in silence because it's not ok to admit motherhood is anything other than kettle corn-scented rainbow-striped unicorn farts.

In other news, going for my anatomy/gender scan for little bro or sis tomorrow. If all goes well I will know the future profile of my little family tomorrow. I'll know whether my old Barbies will be played with or stay on the shelf until grand kids come along; how long the kids can share a room; and whether we'll be talking about a Baby I or Baby T. Stay tuned!