When I discovered Bumpus was a boy, my family and close friends who know my mother situation all said, "that's much better, you can make a fresh start and not always have to compare your relationship to your daughter to your childhood relationship with your mother," and things of that ilk. And I agreed, as much as I mourned the idea of having someone to dress in cute girlie outfits, play with my barbies, etc.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about what a boy Bumpus is, how he's brought such a male energy to the house, and wondered how differently I treat him or think about him because he's a boy and not a little girl. I think I'd be softer and gentler with him if he were a girl; like most single mothers, I'm sure, I am terrified of emasculating him. I want to make sure he feels secure in his sexuality; I want him to be happy being a boy. I want to do what I already know is impossible - I want him to not miss having a dad.
But so much of how I relate to him is based on the fact that he's male. I call him "buddy". I try not to coddle him. I talk to him in a way I wouldn't if he were my daughter. I worry about raising him as a vegetarian, taking him to musicals, reading him Little House on the Prairie. Am I prepared to teach him a male identity? Do I know how to do that?
I guess the real question should be, what is a male identity? And more importantly, what will male identity be twenty years from now? I'm interested to find out!
It is interesting to think about whether we would be a different parent if our child was an opposite sex. I think I also tend to not coddle my boy too. I will certainly help him if he's hurt or scared. I was really worried about raising a boy and making sure he knows all the boy things. My father and brother said that's their job and that like it or not his friends will teach him a lot too. I wouldn't worry about sharing the things you enjoy, it's only when you force them to like that stuff that is a problem. I took my little guy to the symphony and art museums. I would love him to enjoy the arts.
ReplyDeleteI go both ways. I coddle at times. I dress my son in pink, in blue, play dolls, balls, and I want him to love ballet and dance like his mama. All that stuff. He loves his ponytails like I do too which is his current hairstyle. I was worried about raising a son due to the males in our family but I've decided I'm raising humans. He'll form as we go along. My only goal at this point is to leave it all open to him. Let him like what he will and I'll continue to treat him in a way that feels right to us. Sometimes that's me being soft and super cuddly with him. I think he'll form his own interests and in doing that he'll become confident in himself, his identity and his maleness. However he'll define his maleness. I leave it to him. I think I'll do the same if I'm ever given a daughter.
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love the pic at the end of this post. I think you should most definitely enter it in a baby photo contest of some sort!
ReplyDeleteAnd, interesting thoughts on the boy v girl issue. I wonder how differently I'll treat my daughter than I would if she were my son. Who knows, maybe someday I'll find out if I decide to T42 and end up with a boy... But don't worry about the masculine thing. I have an almost-6-year-old cousin who has 2 moms, and he's doing just fine with the boyness stuff!
love love love those GORGEOUS blue eyes!
ReplyDeleteinteresting points you bring up... i don't have any good answers, but I do think about it sometimes, how I feel safe to "baby" my girl... who is, of course, still a baby. but I do think about how it would feel funny to see a friend do this to her son... which of course makes NO SENSE... and I'm every inch a feminist. this is just gut reaction to our society, I guess.