Happy 2015!

What can you say about the year your child was born? The year that will forever determine his age and become as much a part of him as 2012 is to Bobby and 1972 is to me? 

In this year I survived the final trimester of my final pregnancy, my final labor, and my final experience of raising a baby from birth to nine months old. My resolution for 2014 was to merely survive it. Attempting anything else, such as getting out of debt, getting in shape, doing more of this or less of that, felt overwhelming and unnecessary. Nails needed to be trimmed, baths administered, food prepared, sippy cups proferred, bedsheets stripped. And so as of two hours from now I will have survived 2014. I have two beautiful, healthy, complicated children. They are content and safe in their beds. They were manufactured in and then expelled from my body, a fact that still dumbfounds me. 

In 2015 there will be no pregnancy, labor, and very little breastfeeding. Next year will mostly be about potty training and negotiating a newly mobile baby. I don't know if a year from now Theo and Bobby will be safe in their beds in Bobby's current room or if I will still be out here on the couch. I don't know how my event will go, if I'll be out of debt, if I will be able to have Theo in preschool. There are a lot of unknowns going into next year.

My hope for next year is continued health for all of us. I hope I have a good event and see the back of this poverty for once and for all. I hope I get a little of my old self back - traveling with the band, taking up yoga again, dressing better when I no longer have to wear breastfeeding/puke-friendly clothes. I hope I take on Theo's second year with more aplomb than I did Bobby's. I hope I don't blow up like a balloon when I lose the calorie burning benefits of breastfeeding. 

It's 10 PM on New Year's Eve and I'm in bed watching Tootsie and I'm ok with that. I doubt I'll make it to midnight. If I don't, see all you guys on the other side!

Edge of Three

I just might be done breastfeeding. I hope not, but...I have a very painful right nipple with a Theo-tooth-sized tear in it, which I am "nursing" by not nursing. I fed him this morning while wincing with pain and left it at that for the day, feeding baby food instead. It's always an odd transition, adding in baby food. You're so used to breastfeeding, then you add in the multiple sit downs with food and spoons and cleanup and it feels like all you do all day is feed the baby. If not for this bite I would continue on at least three more months, but...I just don't know. There's something about this right nipple that he just loves to sink his teeth into. Bobby bit me but never broke the skin. I've been in the habit of nursing just in the morning and before bed, but tonight I just couldn't face that chomp so I fed him liberally with food and put him to bed. And it made me wonder...why continue, really, when the nutritional benefits at this point are minimal at best? Would a couple more months really matter? Is it just a "meeting an established goal" thing? Or have I been brainwashed by The Hippies again?

In other news, Bobby seems to have made some kind of developmental leap lately. It's hard to put my finger on it but there's just a different look about him - he is suddenly really cognizant. He gets jokes, sings songs, and really talks and expresses himself...a little too much. Somebody (probably not me) really taught him to be clear in his feelings - he now says things like "stop it, mama, I don't like that!" and "not yet!" when I need him to do something. A couple of days ago he really alarmed me by very angrily shouting at me to stop it and hitting me in the arm when I lifted him away from some toys to change his diaper. I had never seen such rage in him and it scared me - and this was after explaining what was about to happen, giving a countdown of time before the transition, all the things I always do and have done since that make transitions usually fairly smooth. I am loath to think this is our future - no longer a toddler who cries when he doesn't like something, but one who acts out angrily and shouts and hits. Well, it's going to happen - he's almost three and that's what they do. I'll never forget the day I was walking my dog past the neighbors' and heard loud screaming and saw one mother get out of a car yelling at the top of her voice, "we're not going!!!" followed by a small boy screaming and crying and then the other mom sheepishly following them into the house. I thought, that's life with a little kid - they act out so badly that you threaten to not go and then you have to follow through and not go. We haven't had to do this yet. But I know those days are ahead of me. And, as with all new phases, I am terrified.

Thankfully, with the new rage has come new awesome things, too - tonight at dinner he said, "I wanna kiss momma" and tenderly took my head in his hands and kissed my cheek. Singing songs together and sharing jokes is a new favorite pastime. I can actually kind of talk to him now. Oh, and he's completely stopped trying to kill his brother and has been nothing but gentle and loving towards him for weeks now, which is a huge load off my mind (the attempted murder-like behavior must have been just another in a series of inexplicable phases).

Here's a couple of photos I like to call Bumpus, Light and Dark

Non-traditional Christmas traditions

I once said Christmas with toddlers is frustrating and exhausting. It can be, but thankfully was not this year! Keeping things flexible and simple is the key - easy for me to say, I know, since I have no obligations whereas most people do. 

Christmas Eve I had my single, childless Jewish friend over for Chinese food and romantic comedies (note: my tolerance for romantic comedies begins at 8 pm Christmas Eve and ends at 9:30 pm Christmas Eve). It was a lovely evening. I wrapped B & T's presents (B - dollar store matchbook cars, T - ikea finger puppets), set up B's second hand train table, gifted my friend red and green chocolate dipped coconut balls (my easiest and still yummiest candy recipe), and called it a night. 

The next morning I unleashed B on the train table (he loved it) and unwrapped his presents in front of him; I love that he's still so innocent that every present was equally exciting - the glow-in-the-dark dollar store snake was just as exciting as the new fire truck. I know this innocence will be gone some day and I will miss it so much.

The rest of Christmas was a bit exhausting - I will have to plan out a bit better next year. A friend came over so we could walk along the beach and then head to a friend's house to look at Christmas lights; the beach walk was fun but tiring as it was very chilly and a stiff wind blew the crap out of us. Then there was nowhere to eat since everything was closed in this little beach town, and we had several hours to kill before it was dark enough to see lights. So I was wind-chapped and exhausted and fed up, my back was killing me from carrying the lunging baby all day, the kids were soaked in their diapers and hungry and I just wanted to go home and collapse, but of course my friend who had invited us to see the lights insisted we stay until it got dark. So we toughed it out. Thankfully, it was worth it. Bobby loved the lights and it was a great way to end the holiday. I just wish we'd driven out there later!

When we got home even though it was way past everyone's bedtime, Bobby was so amped to play with his train table I just let him stay up. Got the baby to bed, then walked into the bathroom to find another giant waterbug. I yelled, "motherfucker!" and Bobby yelled back from the dining room, "trucker!" Killed it, then set about filling a hole around a pipe by the toilet with spackle where they must have been coming from. Ugh! My skin still crawls just thinking about it.

So then I sat down for some leftover Chinese, somehow got B fed and to bed, and that was it. It doesn't sound like much but other than those few hours when we were bored and looking for food in a shut-down town it was actually a really nice day. 

Today I went to meet The Atheists to look at Rose Bowl floats as they are put together for the big parade - but as often happens with meet ups with strangers in crowded public places, I never could find anyone so we just spent the day alone.

Tonight we de-Christmassed. I did it while B was awake so he wouldn't freak out. He was so attached to the Christmas lights and the tree that I was worried if he came home from school one day and everything was gone that he wouldn't understand what had happened.

I felt genuinely blue last night looking at the decorations and knowing another Christmas was over. I love the whole holiday season with all the parties and gifts and good will. Everything goes on hold around here and there's this huge build-up until Christmas Day. Today getting out of the car B said randomly, "I want more presents."

I hear ya, kid!

Merry Christmas to me!

So I bought a new car today. Ummm...what? Yeah. Let's just say I got an offer I couldn't refuse - a letter from my dealer hyping up year-end deals and slyly positing that at this phase in my car ownership I really should think about trading up. Indeed. 

I spent the day yesterday at a packed and chaotic pre-Christmas Babies R Us furtively measuring double strollers only to discover that none of them would fit in my trunk; on the way home I called the dealer to make an appointment. We simply have outgrown our old car. We just have. And as a single mother the idea of spending the next few months getting brakes done, buying all new tires, doing the big 50,000 mile maintenance...ugh, all those appointments and all that waiting around...honestly I wanted a new car just to re-set the clock on all that crap. If this one goes anything like the old one Bobby will be six and Theo four before I have to do anything with it other than oil changes. Woo!

How did I pull this off, given my current poverty? I just told the guy the truth - I have no down payment and can only afford about $50 more in monthly payments, if that. We agreed to a lease-to-own deal. Honestly I don't know if I got a good deal on the car or not; all I know is I can afford it and our growing family needed it. When I think of all the times lately we've been inconvenienced or had to not do something because we couldn't fit more people in the car or had no cargo space - and now the issue with the double strollers not fitting - it was time.

So we had a miserable day sitting around in the dealer for four hours. Theo lunged and whined in the carrier and Bobby kept pointing at the giant monster truck in the customer parking lot and saying, "this one! This!!!" I was alternately patient and fun and then fed up and bitchy. But we survived and I never have to see those people again and I helped some kind Egyptian salesman make his quota, so hey. Always happy to help a brother out.

When we got home we found a giant hideous flying cockroach in the bathroom. In my 13 years in this house I've only seen a couple of these. They give me the absolute heebie jeebies. I screamed and Bobby screamed and I killed it with copious amounts of bug spray (and subsequently had to scrub the room down as this is where Theo crawls and then puts his hands in his mouth - ugh). Bobby kept pointing at it and saying, "Spider Man". No, honey. Not spider man. 

I think I've had just about enough excitement for one day. Good night!

Kwissmass

Had a nice though tiring weekend of gigging each night and then alone with the kids all day with no plans (my personal kryptonite). But we made it through, with lots of driving back and forth on the emptiest, most scenic part of the 210 (our "nap route"), shitty drive-thru lunches, and almost no sleep as I got home at 2 AM the last two nights. The last babysitter of the year was in last night and now we're on our own until 2015. Gulp. I gave her a box of festive coconut balls for her trouble. 

Now that all edible gifts have been disseminated, decorations have been placed and cards mailed, the only thing left to do is make Theo a stocking as I did myself and Bobby two years ago. This should take each evening until Thursday easily. 

Last night saw my friend who's newborn died shortly after Theo was born. She just started her third trimester with the new pregnancy. I can't imagine how full of anxiety she must be; her husband recently posted a picture of an empty high chair on FB and it's been haunting me. I so hope this child a) survives and b) doesn't grow up with a dark cloud over his/her life. It's so hard.

Despite my dark themes lately I've actually been having some very blissful moments. Moments of "I have a great life". It helps when Bobby gives his brother a hug (no unpleasantness there for a while, mostly because I watch him like a hawk around the baby), or says "I wuv you" as I'm tucking him in, or shows delight over a new song I randomly start singing (today's selection was Paul McCartney's Jet for some reason - he is now obsessed with it and runs around yelling "Jet!"). The other morning he complained his leg was hurting and I discovered a play felt cucumber shoved up his pant leg a la Spinal Tap. He's been pretty mellow and happy the last couple of days which makes parenting suddenly seem like a good idea. 

My only problem at the moment is figuring out the financial gymnastics I'm going to have to do to stretch my money another month, and how to fill the next two weeks with activities with school closed a few days and all our friends out of town or busy. We'll figure it out!

Regrets...I've had a few

Recently one of my favorite radio talk show hosts mentioned that he always hated the song "My Way" but loved the line, "regrets...I've had a few". I've been thinking a lot about that term, "regret," lately, with regards to having kids, or not having kids, and paths not taken.

I'll admit I had that thought, "I regret having kids," at the worst of the Bobby-beating-up-brother era a couple of weeks ago. I was, and am, very ashamed of that thought (something I swore I'd never think, or feel, much like hitting Bobby out of anger, which has now also happened despite my protestations to the contrary). But it's a real thought and it happened and I believe in honesty above all, so there it is. Do I feel that way now? No. But ask on a bad moment when I'm tired and overwhelmed and sad - sure. In those moments my former life of constant navel-gazing and self indulgence sure does look a lot more enjoyable. I'd have to be crazy to say I'd rather wrestle a kicking, screaming toddler into pajamas than lie in bed drinking tea and watching documentaries. 

I always thought you would either regret having kids or you wouldn't. But I find now that it's a lot more complex than that. Much like you can still love your kids but not always like them, you can love your kids and love being a mother but sometimes wish they would just go away for five minutes. And then come back.

I've been trying to give myself, and my dark thoughts, a break lately. This is hard. I can no longer say this is way easier than I thought. It was, when I had one easy baby. Now...now every day is a struggle. It just is. But it would be a struggle if I were younger or married or more prepared or more of a kid person or surrounded by helpful family or anything. Little kids are hard, period.

So often I look back as I'm driving and see the faces of my little boy and my baby. This is our life right now - an almost three-year-old and his various issues, and a nine-month-old and his issues. And Bobby talks now but we're not able to converse, not really, so his inner life is still largely a mystery to me; Theo is a complete mystery as all I know about him is he hates to be put down or left alone. But some day these kids will be real kids - with friends and teachers and coaches and things they like and don't like. Will it be easier then? I no longer fool myself that it will - I just know that it will be different, and there will be a certain satisfaction that we've made it this far. I won't have a baby constantly strapped on my chest making me feel like I'm still nine months pregnant and making it difficult to maneuver; I won't have a toddler who screams and cries unpredictably all day long. Those things I am looking forward to letting go of.

A friend posted an advice column in which a woman asked if she should have a baby on her own and she said she didn't think worrying about regretting not having kids was good enough reason to have one. But the advice columnist disagreed and said knowing you'd regret not doing something is, in fact, a great reason to do it. I try to imagine not having these kids and what I'd be doing now instead but I know this is a moot point because no matter what I would have had a kid by now, somehow, whether by adoption or fostering or being a Big Sister or whatever. The 42 1/2-year-old me with no kids all alone in this house just never would have existed so there's no point in even trying to imagine her. The only difference is I lucked out in getting the idea just early enough that I was able to have two biological children, whereas if I were just getting the idea now the story would be a little different.

And so I power on with my baby in the Ergo and Bobby in the stroller and people look at me and give me a thumbs-up or tell me I have my hands full and I sigh and say yes, it's really hard right now. But life is really hard. And I'm glad they're in it. 

Ho ho...no

Today I took the boys to the mall to meet Santa. Bobby was not having it. So there will be no Bobby and Santa pic this year. Thankfully I have my second son to enjoy this ritual with in the interim. 

This is very much a microcosm of the whole preschooler-new baby situation. So often I'm grateful for Theo in our lives because it reminds me of the more enjoyable aspects of parenting - how awesome and cuddly babies are, how happy and willing to please. Toddlers are so not. But I know the unpleasantness with Bobby is just temporary. It's not him - it's his age. In the meantime I can still get an oxytocin high off smelling the top of Theo's head. Ahhhhhhhhhh.