Next steps

It dawned on me last night as I was preparing the usual 5 oz bottle for the sitter that I am still feeding B as if he's six months old, and he's turning one in three weeks. A whole new world of food will open up for him when he turns one. And as per usual, I am fearing the change.

Somewhere (babycenter maybe?) I was reading about incorporating cow's milk at one year of age. And the amount you're expected to feed these kids is nuts - something like three full bottles a day. How is he even going to get through two bottles...? He would have to have a bottle on his face all day long! I have a weird association with milk because I was always completely grossed out by it and hated being made to drink it as a kid - one of my mother's more stellar moments was standing up for me when the school I went to for 1st grade absolutely insisted I drink milk every day. With that said I'm not opposed to feeding B milk - it just seems like SO much; how can I even keep up...? Still at some point in the next year I'll want to wean, and this may be the key.

Then there's all the other foods he'll be allowed - even the most conservative opinions seem to still allow for real adult food by the one year mark. So the squeezy bag breakfasts may be on their way out! B has learned how to feed himself the little cheerio-type pouf things; once it dawned on me I needed to let him try by himself rather than placing them in his mouth, he figured it out very quickly. So now instead of just eating one or two he chomps them down handfuls at a time. This kid is ready to eat. Mom is not ready for him to eat. But mom is going to have to get over that.

It occurred to me that once he makes this transition to adult food - and especially once the boobie is over - that's it. No more changes; he'll be on adult food forever. It's much like my desire for him to be big enough for international travel; once he is, he is for life. Once he's big enough to no longer need a car seat or booster, that's it. The changes come so quickly, and then they're permanent. There's no going back. Which makes me both happy and sad.

So for now I need to spend the next few weeks preparing to change up our food routine. I will start using his high chair finally; I will get larger bottles; I will start feeding him solids more than once a day. It's going to be a lot more work. Not looking forward to that aspect of it. I'm especially afraid of him hating my cooking. It's not for everyone. If he just detested everything I make it would really break my heart. But I need to be prepared for that to happen.

So, on to the next steps!

Giving up

I spent the entire morning on the phone with Kaiser, the Department of Managed Care, and even ehealthinsurance who originally sold me my health care policy, in an attempt to unravel the impossibly tangled and complicated web that is my labor & delivery bill, which I believe is incorrect. And, you know what? There may be no fixing this. I may just have to give up and recognize that yes, I was probably overcharged by several thousand dollars, and there may be nothing I can do about it.

The Department of Managed Care has closed my case. All they did was send it twice to Kaiser to review, and they of course defended their position, and so the DMC has washed their hands of it. Huh? I called them up and said, so, you just take Kaiser's word for it that I was billed correctly and that's it? It made no sense. I had a long conversation with a woman who seemed somewhat sympathetic (especially to this issue of B incurring all his own charges from the minute he was born, which everyone tells me is not correct); it turns out they may have made a mistake in closing my case, so she said when I get the letter that confirms it's closed to call them up and ask to speak to a specific person. But even then there's not much I can do but take Kaiser to arbitration (because of course I signed away my right to sue when I took on this policy).

Then there's the issue of that $600 bill I got handed back in January for birth charges that at the time they said they covered, but they have now a year later decided they're not covering. Of course Kaiser has denied my complaint with the standard "read your policy, you owe us" letter. What do I do about that? I finally broke down and paid it today because I don't want my credit ruined. But it's already two weeks late so honestly my credit may be dinged anyway.

I just wish there were somewhere to go, someone to help, someone to sit and talk over all of this with who can just HELP ME. But there isn't. I've asked around and nobody has a clue how to find a lawyer who handles things like this - not even lawyer friends of mine. And honestly - I'm not even sure I'm right about any of this. It sounds right, but the language in my policy is so vague; they say "some" maternity charges are covered but some aren't; they say B is "covered" for the first 30 days, but it doesn't say he's "covered under your policy" as in subject to my deductible. I just don't understand how I can have a $1500 deductible and a $3500 out of pocket maximum per year, and yet last year I was charged between $6000 and $7000 for the birth. How can this be? Can someone explain this to me? Does this mean if I ever have an accident or major illness I can just be charged hundreds of thousands of dollars because the care isn't subject to my deductible? If that's the case why bother having insurance?

Anyway all of this stuff makes me so crazy and angry and frustrated that I can hardly stand it. And at a certain point I had to ask myself, what's the point of all this? Why not just drop it and have my sanity back? It's all paid for. I spent this whole day with my stomach in knots and full of rage. Maybe sometimes you just have to walk away.

It reminds me of when I was sued that time - the same frustration, the same rage, the same feeling of knowing I was right. But unfortunately I couldn't walk away from that since I was the one being sued, not doing the suing. And that was two years of torture that I'll never get back. But this - I can just walk away. There won't be another birth so I'll never, ever have to deal with this situation ever again.

One thing I will tell people in the future about Kaiser, though, is that your insurance doesn't really cover anything. So just act as if you have no out of pocket maximum because obviously you can be charged anything, and even years later have bills pop up for items that were covered at the time but now aren't. Just enjoy the free vaccinations. Oh yeah, and I'm still waiting for the bill from our whole ER adventure, and subsequent mole removal. I can't even imagine how many thousands that's going to cost me. God I hate them.

Who needs professionals?

I just love that with today's technology you can snap photos with your cell phone and then apply a filter that makes it look like you did a professional photo shoot (at least, in my opinion). I snapped these in the playroom yesterday and they are so far my favorite mommy & me pics:

11 months

Oh, and also -

Disneyfail

Soooo...my trip to Disneyland, my first since probably 1998, lasted all of fifteen minutes.

I had gone as part of a group of Babywearers who were also participating in Dapper Day, an informal group that dress snazzy at various locations. I heard about this from a FB invite, and seeing that some friends of mine were going, I thought it would be a chance to hang with them, dress up, get some great pictures, and experience Disneyland with kids for the first time.

The only problem is...nobody showed up. I hustled my butt down there to be at the meeting spot at 11 AM as requested on the invite - and believe you me, getting yourself and a baby dressed up, hair and makeup done for me, plus elaborate packing so we both had jackets/food/change of shoes etc available, and getting us down to Orange County and through the whole Disney parking and tram ride thing is no easy feat (and why the F does Disneyland make you completely dismantle your stroller to get on the tram to get to the park? Can you imagine if I'd brought my giant vintage pram???). But nobody was there. I texted the organizer and she said she'd be there at 1, "after practice". Um...what? Then why did you arrange a meeting time and place for 11AM? I could have used an extra couple of hours of sleep.

So anyway once it was clear nobody was coming, I decided to stroll around. But it was very unpleasant. There was a stiff cold wind, so I was immediately frozen solid, and had to keep one hand on my head at all times to keep the 1940's hat from blowing off my head. It was of course packed, so maneuvering around was very difficult, and I hate crowds. Then I realized I wouldn't be able to do much of anything - with no one to watch the stroller and giant bag of crap I'd brought, I wouldn't even be able to take B on the most basic rides. And of course there were lines for everything. I thought about getting something to eat, but there were lines around the block for all the restaurants. Then I thought, how much do I want to torture myself to make it feel like I got my $100 worth? I asked myself what I really, truly wanted to do. And I realized I wanted to go home and be warm and comfortable. So I left.

I'm actually glad this happened today, because it reminded me of something I forgot, which is I kind of hate Disneyland. I know it'll be different when B is old enough to enjoy it. But I doubt I'll make it part of my regular rotation like many of my friends do. Special occasions, sure. But no annual passes for us. I think I'll save that money to replace the rotten boards of my porch. I'm pretty sure I'll get a lot more enjoyment out of that porch than I ever will Disneyland.

I snapped these pics on the tram heading home. So, at least I got a couple of pics of us looking dapper.

Last night

Last night I had one of those heart-stopping "god I wish I wasn't single" moments. I was woken up at 3 AM with a loud bang, followed by various stealthy, sliding noises. Lying on my back it was hard to tell where the noises were coming from; but I could have sworn it was coming from right outside my bedroom window and upstairs in the playroom. I flashed back to earlier yesterday when I took a rare trip to my back yard (I don't spend much time out there in the winter) to fill the chickens' water container and noticed the workers had left a tall ladder leaning up against the back of the house, just in the right spot for anyone who really wanted to to climb into the playroom windows, the only windows as yet without bars on. So when I heard a bunch of bumping and sliding all I could think was someone had figured this out and was breaking in to the upstairs.

I immediately went into the hall and switched on the hallway light which would signal to anyone upstairs that I was aware of their presence. No scurrying sounds followed; but I could still hear scraping sounds from outside. So I switched on the exterior lights, and stuck my head out of my bedroom window, only to see a raccoon having a meal out of my tipped- over garbage can. Good times.

It took forever to go back to sleep with adrenaline pumping through my veins. I've been broken into twice in my life, but both during the day when I was out, and not in this house, and most recently nineteen years ago. I like to think this place is a bit of a fortress, between the bars on the windows, burglar alarm that I always use, and general inaccessibility. But, I had to break into this place once when my keys were stolen, and it was shockingly easy, and my stupid alarm didn't even go off (probably because I ducked under where I know the motion sensor is). The fact is if anyone really wanted to, they could get in here. We all just hope we'll make our place unappealing enough that any common crook will pass us over for an easier target. And twelve years unmolested in this house says so far, so good.

Still it never sits well with me that people know I'm a woman living alone here. I don't know if having a baby makes me more or less of a target. But I've had these heart-stopping "someone's breaking in moments" all my life, and they suck. Thankfully they've never amounted to more than a raccoon, a rat, or my imagination. So you want to be a single parent, huh?

Here are some pics of me & B in vintage garb today, or as I like to call it, my natural habitat:

Better days

I didn't blog yesterday because I was in an exceptionally foul mood and had no perspective. But today's a new day, and I feel (somewhat) prepared to take it on.

The day started with my main trigger - being around toddlers, and seeing what horrible little a-holes they can be. And it always begs the question - is this parenting, or just normal kid behavior? A new mom with a three-year-old girl joined our group and the girl was just awful - pouting and screaming her head off the whole time. The poor mother was so embarrassed. I wondered is this just a bad day? A phase? Will she grow up to be a delightful little girl? Who knows? Then in a large play area there were some boys that were just little terrors, hitting other kids and messing up things other kids had created, etc etc. I know I've been over this topic a million times, but is my sweet, jolly little Bumpus going to morph into that in two years? Because I really wonder if I can handle it. The day to day looks awful enough but it would also literally break my heart. I mean those kids weren't just rambunctious - they were evil!

So already in a bit of a state I returned home to find that after complaining to Kaiser about my hospital bill, and being denied because they claimed B was not a member when he was born (?), then taking my claim to the state HMO management board, who then turned it back over to Kaiser, this time denied it again claiming B had his own policy when born with his own deductible which I was correctly charged for. I called the HMO management agency asking what the heck we do now, as we've just spent four months in a complete waste of time of an endless loop. They said I can appeal AGAIN. I asked are they just going to turn it over to Kaiser to deny again? They didn't really have an answer for that. I put this situation on Facebook and everyone is telling me to get a lawyer. And where exactly do I find a lawyer who handles this sort of thing? Anything I pay a lawyer would doubtless be more than I would ever recover. But I would do it if only to make a point. The worst thing is I can't even leave Kaiser - I consulted the people who got me this policy and they said this is the best plan for me in CA, by literally hundreds of dollars a month. So I'm trapped with these charlatans. Oh, and none of this even addresses that extra $600 bill I got a few weeks ago that I haven't even paid. That's a whole separate situation that I'm not even sure is being reviewed or not.

In addition to that clusterfuck I am having a dispute with a seller on Etsy as well - I ordered a dress from a Chinese seller back in September for $72 and never got it. We've been back and forth for months, the tracking number they sent me lead to some US Air Force base and the post office said it'd be almost impossible to retrieve my package from there; then the seller said they'd make me a new one but wouldn't cough up the tracking number; then they said they'd refund me. In filing a complaint with both Etsy and PayPal they both said I'm pretty much out of luck. And just for the record I've ordered plenty of things from Asia and never had a problem, and this was a highly rated long-standing store with tons of excellent reviews. So, what the hell? Yesterday I threatened them with reporting them and giving negative reviews, but still nothing. I'm beyond frustrated that nobody will do anything about this (even if I don't get my money back, you'd think Etsy would suspend them or something!). It is very similar to the Kaiser situation where I feel totally screwed and taken advantage of but at the moment I feel utterly helpless to right the situation. It makes my blood boil.

So, yesterday not a good day. Today I'm determined to not let this stuff get to me and go on and have a good day. I've got my movie club tonight for some much needed mommy time, and I'm going to deliver a big care package to former Bed Rest Friend with some of the preemie clothes I was given and some of my homemade laundry detergent. So those things should make me feel better about today. Oh, and the fact that B is still an awesome, cute baby. That fact doesn't hurt, either.