Grown-ass man

So I had my date last night. You know what? It was kinda great.

We met for dinner and I think we were both relieved that neither had misrepresented ourselves (I knew he hadn't because of course I'd googled his phone number, found his Facebook page, got his full name and then googled him again and found a few tidbits about him here and there). 

Even though I had only texted/chatted with him before we met, he was really cool and interesting and easy to talk to. And very secure and straight forward. Is this what dating in your forties, post-children is supposed to be? Because I like it.

I had a moment before the date when I worried it would be like that painfully awkward scene in Fargo where Marge (?) meets up with her old high school friend. Thankfully it was nothing like that. 

What's he like? Late forties, divorced dad of an almost seven-year-old girl. Yale graduate, Masters from NYU. Awesome boisterous Korean laugh. Works for some kind of start up. Very insightful and smart and evolved. He told me his friends had asked if we were getting drinks and he told them he felt he needed a clear head to "keep up with me" (not bad for me, a high school graduate, eh?). He was great with the compliments and kept telling me how great I looked and how all those guys who never called me again must have been crazy and/or intimidated by me. Thank you, that is my theory exactly.

We reminisced about the East Village in the 80s and how when they opened The Gap on St Mark's Place that it was officially over. We quoted Woody Allen ("I need a large polo mallet") and Louis CK (first date conversation - female, "where are we going?" male, "to your death, statistically"). We talked about online experiences (one woman stood him up - turns out she had been jailed the night before for a DUI - and she has three kids).

We went for coffee after dinner and at one point he asked, "can I kiss you?" and we, like, totally made out. And he's an excellent kisser. I felt it in my toes. Aww yeah. We had another nice make out session by the car and then thanks to the coffee and/or hormones I was up buzzing until 6AM. Ouch. 

We're going to try to get together before I leave on Monday. I've got a lot going on (including a date with someone else tomorrow) and he has his daughter next weekend, but hopefully we'll figure something out.

So I'm trying not to get too excited because, you know, I've been let down so very many times, even after dates as good as this (but I don't normally kiss on the first date, so that's new). And he is still pretty much a stranger - who knows what lurks beneath? But for now I may have a candidate for my (hopefully) libidinous birthday weekend in Palm Springs, and that is super exciting.

Failures and Successes

Today was the day I had been anticipating for weeks - years, really. It was the day my snazzy new fridge was going to be delivered. I had panicked a bit when the night before they called to give me a delivery window of right when I would normally be grocery shopping and then dropping B at school, but after failing to reschedule I decided screw it, if B had to miss school and we had to get our groceries on Saturday it was well worth it.

The delivery guys called to say they'd be arriving an hour early, so I frantically set to emptying the entire contents of the fridge, taking off everything from the top of it (all thickly coated with grime and dust), and painstakingly peeling off all the magnets and stickers and papers. All this while trying to change massive shitty diapers and get a baby and kid dressed and fed breakfast which is always a giant chaotic mess anyway without having bags and bags of slowly melting refrigerator contents underfoot. 

And then the delivery guys show up. Guess what? The fucking refrigerator is a half inch too big to squeeze through the kitchen door. Are you fucking kidding me? I believe was my response to that information. So they left. And I spent the next half hour throwing all of the sweating food back in the refrigerator in no particular order, cursing and slamming things as I went. 

Well, at least Bobby got to school on time and we got groceries. Yes, despite having an entire kitchen floor covered in melting food, we had nothing to eat. Much like my bulging closets and drawers which belie the fact that I have nothing to wear.

So back to Sears I went to get a "counter depth" fridge which ended up costing $1200 more than I already spent and has such shitty capacity that it may be even less than the one I have now. F...M...L...

They deliver next Friday. If anything goes wrong this time I'm going to break something into a million pieces. Maybe all those plates I wanted to break on Mother's Day?

Couldn't escape the thought, as I was angrily throwing jars of capers (why?) back into the fridge, imagine if my current fridge had broken and I had to wait a week for a new one? As always, things could be sooooo much worse.

In other news, after countless unreturned calls I finally got a landscaper over to give me an estimate on a tree trimming, yard cleanup, and regular maintenance. They start next Thursday and I am beyond excited at the concept of having a pretty, well maintained yard for the first time in fourteen years. Which means I now have to fire the slightly crazy old cat lady who has been charging me $80 a month to do a little raking and fill my yard with countless stray cats she insists on feeding. It's one of these horrible situations I've put up with for years because I just haven't had the balls to get rid of her, feeling bad because she needs the money, etc. But my yard has turned into a huge eyesore and I resent the fact that I can't even take the kids outside because everything is so overgrown and filthy. AND I'm paying for this crap. Again, if I were a man I wouldn't have put up with it for a second. 

In dating news, it was a rough week. Just an hour before I was supposed to leave for my coffee date Tuesday the guy cancels. Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to have to take off your cute date outfit and put on your shitty, frumpy mom clothes, tie back your hair, take off your jewelry, put on sensible shoes, cancel the babysitter (again), and instead make lunches and change diapers in anticipation of a long, boring day with the kids when you were supposed to be on a hot date? It sucked. All week was more of the same - people expressing interest and then vanishing, unreturned messages, text conversations that go nowhere, people who put you in their favorites file but then don't answer when you write to them, good phone calls that never result in a date. Horrible! I was in such a pit of despair about it that I didn't dare write a blog but just complained endlessly to my private journal instead. BUT.

The other night a guy messaged me on Ok.Cupid who seemed - dare I say it - pretty great. Devoted dad, lived in the same neighborhood I did in NY, film guy, really appreciates and respects my love of vintage stuf, AND actually wants to meet me (which about 95% of people never do). We have a dinner date Sunday night. I cannot wait.

Oh, and Theo took his first tentative steps Wednesday. I wish I could post the video from my phone; it was beyond cute. I guess you'll just have to take my word for it.

Double-fister of a day

Today was the day I had two back-to-back dates. I am exhausted. And disappointed. And broke.

The first guy, who I had contacted on POF and spoke to on the phone, I met at a street fair. Kind of a mistake since there was no set end time; I had allotted three hours. The minute I saw him I just wanted to go home.

Oh, this poor, poor man. I've met guys like this on occasion who are - for lack of a better term - kind of scary to look at. It does happen that sometimes people just are really good at taking pictures that hide all their flaws. So he did have pictures that obviously were him...but just him in an alternate universe in which he does not have giant bug eyes, horrid grey teeth, a flabby body and an uncomfortable-in-his-skin affect about him. I could see by the look on his face when he saw me that he knew I would never go for him. So we walked around the festival for a bit - ran into a friend I had to introduce him to - and I somehow made my escape after about an hour. Awful!

Then I had to kill two hours so I went to Target to buy some sexy bras. For whom, you might ask? For whom indeed.

Then I met guy #2 who was nice enough and ok looking but was one of these really introverted, closed-in guys who barely made eye contact. In other words - your classic non-scary internet dater; nice enough guy but super boring and with zero sex appeal. I think this was another instance where we both knew it wasn't happening.

He was in his 50s and I'm beginning to wonder if that's just too old for me. All the guys in their 50s are grey or bald and paunchy, and they just feel old to me. Might be time to focus more on people closer to my age.

I've also been tweaking my profiles in reaction to people's response to it. Instead of leading with the kids I've taken them out of it, only having it as a box I ticked rather than a paragraph about how much I want to meet a single dad. I think it's too restrictive really since I don't care that much if the guy has kids or not. So many people have said, "well, I'm not a dad, so..." that I feel it's time to remove that requirement. 

So as of right now I am meeting one more guy Tuesday, but that's it. I have people I wrote to who look at my profile multiple times a day but never write me back. I have people I've exchanged messages with who never ask to meet me. I have tons of people I wrote to who read the message, looked at my profile, and then never wrote back. Sigh. It is utterly exhausting.

It's so typical that the one guy I really liked, who really liked me back, couldn't stand kids. Ain't that some bullshit? Some days you just can't win. Today was one of those days.

Can't blame a guy for trying...

Just had my first post-CMB date. It was with the guy I thought was a serial dater. I don't know if I still think of him that way. I don't know what to make of him, really, but I am interested to see him again if he wants. He is a vegan who is starting his own apothecary. Interesting. He asked for my phone number (we had only been communicating via the OkC.upid app) at the end of the date and wanted a couple of gropey hugs. So I would say he's into it. But who the hell knows? If I never hear from him again it won't be the first time someone's been like that with me and then disappeared. Men are a strange animal.

Back to CMB guy who "dumped" me because of the kids - I stumbled upon his OkC.upid profile last night. In this one he specifically writes that he does not want kids nor does he want to date anyone with kids. Which made me think two things - one, he's all mad at me for not having on my profile that I had kids; why the fuck didn't he write that he won't date anyone with kids? And, I'm discovering, someone who's that explicitly anti-kid is rare. Maybe more guys feel that way but don't write it out because they don't want to look like an asshole; but the fact that he's that adamant about it tells me he has issues. Not that we didn't already know this of course. So, yeah. Good luck, buddy.

So I am now double booked Sunday. A festival with one guy in the morning and then coffee with another in the afternoon. Snap.

This is all a lot of hard work, but thankfully I have experience with this stuff so I know what's required. You do have to make it a full time job. But it's all a lot easier with smart phones where you can pop on and message people and then get back to your life rather than sitting in front of a computer.

So far a couple of guys - one online and the guy tonight - have asked about the kids, do I share custody, etc - and I've told them the truth. I wasn't sure what men would think about the whole sperm donor thing, but so far they've found it fascinating. Both said they never knew anyone that did that before. Hopefully they are happy about the fact that there's no bitter divorce or psycho dad in my life (except for my own, of course). 

One of the first guys I "talked" to was this 50-year-old named Ken who kept asking me (via chat) when was the last time I was pampered and do I like back rubs, etc. I told him he was being creepy and he backed off, have not heard from him since. Can't blame a guy for trying, right?

Make it rain

It rained in LA today, which is almost unheard of for this time of year. Since Bobby was in school I took the opportunity to make it rain myself.

I broke the internet today. I worked those dating sites like nobody's business. Since I woke up with no messages from anyone and no prospects and no interest, I just got on the stick and messaged a million people. Almost none have (or will ever) write me back. But, I have a date Sunday and another one Tuesday and a third one in negotiation for some time next week. Snap!

The one Sunday is with a guy I spoke to on the phone yesterday. I didn't expect to hear from him again, but this morning he messaged that he wanted to meet me. He sounds like a very nice guy, very pro-children although he has none of his own. He does seem a little bland, though. But I am always happy to give nice guys a chance, and we're going to a festival I really wanted to go to and I'm happy I have a date for it.

Tuesday is with a guy who seems like a complete nutter - but we kept checking out each other's profiles and finally on a whim I just wrote to him: "I don't think we want the same things but I just feel compelled to tell you I think you're awesome." Again, I didn't expect to ever hear from him, but he immediately wrote me back saying he wanted to do the same with me but didn't think he was what I was looking for. We had a nice long chat and made a coffee date for Tuesday. Let's just say this guy is very unconventional. Yet I feel inexplicably drawn to him. I don't know if this is because a) he stands out in a sea of squares, b) he's just cute, c) I'm currently ovulating and therefore out of my mind, d) I am experiencing a serious lapse of judgment, or e) all of the above. But it's just a coffee date, what can the harm be? Right???

A third guy sounds just super amazing but takes a long time to respond to messages and I think is an old hand on these things and therefore is probably just one of these serial daters. I think he's probably the best of these guys but I get the distinct feeling he just wants to meet a ton of women and probably never settle on anyone. Jury's out.

In other news, Theo AKA Bébess is a fat, fat little squeezable butterball. I've been feeding him probably at least an avocado a day. Hopefully at his next checkup they will be pleased with his weight gain.

0 for 3

Last night I was stalking CMB Guy's Twitter feed and was delighted he had mentioned he was meeting "a friend" for coffee Sunday night (me, of course), when the phone rang. My heart dropped. I knew if he was calling me that he had found out.

Yup. He googled me, found pictures of the kids, and doesn't want to see me anymore. Just like that. 

So, I learned something here. Just be upfront about the kids. Sure, you run the risk of attracting pedophiles as a friend warned me. But the much more likely scenario is this one - meeting someone you really like and really click with only to discover kids are an absolute deal breaker. Which to me is ridiculous. But I guess I have to understand some guys just feel that way and it's better to just never meet those guys. I was crushed and hurt and embarrassed. Then I had the fun of canceling the babysitter for Wednesday night I had hastily arranged. F...M...L.

So, let's recap, shall we? Wooed an old friend for five months only to have him shoot me down cold and in fact intimate that the very notion that we could ever date was absolutely ridiculous. Then met Craig's List Guy who was all over it for two weeks and then vanished. Now met Coffee Meets B.agel guy who was so smart and so funny and totally my type but who found out about my kids and told me he never wants to see me again (not as harsh as that, but that was the intent). Man, I'm on fire!

Spent the evening setting up profiles on Ok.cupid and POF mentioning the kids straight away and specifying I want to meet dads. It took all night and was exhausting. When I collapsed into bed at 1AM I had a raging headache and my head was spinning. 

The good news is, lots of guys are interested in me. And they know I have little kids and still want to meet me. One I texted with all day who said he'd call tonight when I can talk and another I've had a delightful exchange with. There are tons of others I haven't even had the chance to answer or reach out to. So many men, so little time. I was reluctant to put myself out there this openly; I kind of had to warm up to it. But now that I'm there it's really ok. I may never find a guy but at least it's entertainment for now and it's nice to know there are nice dads out there just looking for a kind, nurturing woman. 

My apologies if this blog takes a turn into dating land for a while. It's kind of the only interesting thing going on in my life unless you want to hear more about my refrigerator. I figure re-entering dating world is part of the single mom experience, so I can be a guinea pig for you gals who are thinking about it or aren't but would like to have a little shadenfreude in your day. Go for it!

The sinners are much more fun

For me life's events tend to have a soundtrack. My grandmother's death - The English Beat's "Can't Get Used to Losing You". Bobby's birth - the version of Frère Jacques used in the Target ad that played over and over in the hospital during my (endless) labor. Teddy's was that "if you ever need someone to hold you" song in the Subaru ad that played when he was born. 

Last night I met Coffee Meets B.agel Guy. I decided the soundtrack for this event is Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young". Why? I didn't know why at first until I really listened to the lyrics (yes, I bought this song. Shut up). It's an ode to teenaged lust; the story of a boy trying to convince his Catholic crush to give it up. Why this song fits a single mother of two meeting some random guy from a cheesy online dating app I'm not sure, but it does. I think we all want to feel that teenager-y feeling of lust for another person. We all want to feel young again. I've often wondered, are all the guys who told me they're "just not feeling it" for me being true to themselves and reaching for that teenager-y feeling, or are they delusional, immature idiots? Am I "settling" when I don't care that much about having those feelings, or am I being mature and realistic? Who the hell knows? Not me.

Anyway, I met this guy last night and we had a lovely three hour coffee date and I really enjoyed his company and thought he was cute enough. Not sure what he thought of me but he texted me this morning to have dinner Wednesday night. So, that's pretty awesome.

This is by far the best luck I've had with this internet crap. Met two people who actually wanted to see me more than once. I believe this is a record. Now I just have to figure out how/when to reveal the existence of the children. I'm thinking see if it goes past two dates. I think I've only gotten that far once or twice in the past; the odds are not with us. So I'm going to cross that road when I come to it. It's not fun keeping this from him, though. I didn't really have an answer to why I haven't dated in so long or what I do all day. Also when he walked me to my car I was terrified he'd see the car seats! Thank God he didn't. Ugh!

So in small world news, turns out he works on this comedy podcast that is frequented by the guy who broke my heart in high school. The fact that the two of them have been in the same room together and know each other is just too weird for words.