Mini trains

Today I met with my mommy group at one of the three (?) little mini trains that run in Griffith Park. As of next month I will have lived in LA for twenty years and I had no idea any of them existed. As a friend commented a few weeks ago, you really do get to see your city in a whole new light when you have a kid. I'm sure this would be the case wherever I lived. It's kind of neat.

Lately I've been feeling like my heart will burst with joy. And then I'm afraid to say that because it means something really bad has to happen because I got too cocky. But ok. As one of the Formerly Miserable I think I can stick my neck out there and say yes, this is a really good time for me.

Not so for my half-half sister who today threatened suicide over some very expensive car repairs. There is talk of an intervention (about her drinking, not her misery). It does make me think of the old Scottish saying, "they speak of my drinking, but not of my thirst." We all feel like something has to happen to stop her downward spiral, though. If it takes all of us coming together to tell her she needs help, then that's what it takes.

Today one of the new visitors to the group mentioned she'd tried some other groups but felt they were too judgy, telling her she was wrong to formula feed, etc. I still think it sucks that mothers are so hard on each other. I don't know why we're like that, but it's not a good trait, for sure.

One of the moms who seems to be having kind of a hormonal "something bad is going to happen to the baby" thing was talking about how worried she was about SIDS, and I mentioned how co-sleeping really helps me with those fears since he's always right there next to me. She said she can't co-sleep because her husband's snoring wakes the baby. Reason #5,486 why being a single parent is awesome.

I did put my hand on Bumpus' chest last night to make sure he was still breathing, though, I won't lie.

Doing Christmas

Today I dedicated the entire day to Christmas decorating. I have decided that outdoor lighting is going to have to be a work in progress because it is SO expensive. I'm just going to have to build on it each year. I spent probably in the neighborhood of $200 on outdoor lighting and only have one bush lit, the top of the garage, and one string of lights along the porch. That's it! Made a lot of mistakes along the way but learned a few things, too:

Don't waste your money on solar lights. I thought I'd be all slick and save on energy bills, not have to turn them on/off or run wires, etc. But honestly, I put them up and they are so dim they look like absolutely nothing. I ended up going back to the store to buy electric lights and extension cords anyway. If I could do it all over again I'd spend the money on icicle lights and more net lights for the bushes. The one I bought looks amazing but needs about five friends for the full effect. Now if the local gangbangers can avoid stealing the lights off the garage, I think I'm set for this year!

I bought a tree, hauled it up three flights of stairs, and set it up. Having a good, stable tree stand made a huge difference. In going through all my Christmas stuff I realized what crap it all is - cheap junk I bought for a swing dance ten years ago, faded, cracked ornaments with no sentimental value, cheesy garlands. I really want nice stuff, but nice stuff costs. For now I'll make do with the crap just because it's there; but I am throwing it all out once Christmas is over.

Having a kid has really made me feel how important holidays are, and how now is the time to clean, organize, and take better care of my holiday stuff. Also the time to focus on making new memories - I'm going to make a special ornament every year from now on, and I will also get rid of anything that doesn't have family/sentimental value. I'm on Pinterest, dammit! I know how to make cinnamon ornaments and children's hand molds!

Today as I was climbing my house like a monkey I was reminded how utterly impossible all of this was last year - my whole body hurts from crawling and climbing and clinging to rooftops by my fingernails. I can see why Christmas lighting is typically the man's domain! And I have to say I kind of got into it! If I had more money I'd be right back at Home Depot tomorrow building a very organized, color-coordinated light show that I can control with a hand-held remote. Next year, next year.

It charms me to think that the people riding the electric train that passes in front of my house will hopefully be cheered by the sight of my cozy, festive little bungalow. They'll probably guess there's a lot of love in that house, and they'll be right!

Gas attack!

Last night had one of those scary episodes where the baby woke up screaming and writhing in pain, much like he had that night I arrived in NY last summer. I kept picking him up to thunk his back and bounce him to get the gas out to no avail, but he would calm down when I held him upright, only to start crying again when I laid him down. I don't know if it was the chili I had for lunch, the curry I had for dinner, or the old-ish bottle of milk he had at the Baby Kennel yesterday, or a combo of the three, but the poor little guy was really miserable. Finally I broke down and busted out the big guns - the bottle of Colic Calm I've had lying around here for ages. I used it when he was a newborn but was never sure if it *actually* worked; this time it definitely did; he was calm and happy and sleeping within minutes. I don't know why I'm reluctant to use this product; there's something about squeezing a thick black substance into your baby's mouth with a syringe that's just super creepy. And it makes their poo black the whole next day. But now I know it for sure works for this particular kind of episode, so I will definitely not hesitate to use it again!

I had a good time last night despite being on the face of it a bit of a disaster - saw the movie, then tried to meet friends at this party in Hollywood, but it was raining and there was literally no parking anywhere, so the friend that was driving with me and I just ditched the rest of the group and had dinner instead. We both remarked how this reminded us of so many nights in our twenties - desperately driving around Hollywood looking for parking, trying to get into some hipster party. I don't miss those days one bit, believe me!

Today I was going to spend the whole day in Ventura at a friend's kid's party, but she canceled because of the rain. Remind me to never, ever hold B's party outdoors in March (a very rainy month here in SoCal). I'm kind of bummed my entire day is now shot, but hey, it's an opportunity to try out some candy recipes from Pinterest, so I might just do that.

I have become completely obsessed with building a sleeping loft in the attic for B when he gets older, and/or for out of town visitors. Why not just replace the wall to the second bedroom, you ask, which will probably run about .001% of the cost of building into the attic? Haven't you figured out by now that I can't do anything like a normal person...? Anyway I may have a contractor or two over for estimates next week - first I need to see if it's even allowed and possible (if the ceiling joists can't support a floor and people walking around, then that's out), but I am afraid of how much something like this could cost. There's making a stairway to the attic, there's insulation, wiring, re-routing of air ducts, putting in a window, flooring, lighting, electric outlets, and of course walls and ceiling. Could run upwards of $20,000. If one guy charged me $5500 just to take down one small wall in my house I can only imagine what a major renovation like this would cost. I am curious, though. It would definitely pimp this place out!

On the outside

Yesterday I went to visit a friend who at twenty weeks was put on hospital bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy due to "incompetent cervix". She had the cerclage and is now just hanging out on her back in a hospital bed until March. Guess who this friend is? Yes. It is my former nemesis.

I can't even imagine being in a hospital bed for four months. As I drove home, I thought about what it would have been like had this happened to me (and it could have - why not?). I thought first about the bill - a $7000 yearly out of pocket limit, x 2 because of course it spans two years, so a nice whopping $14,000 bill at the end of it. Then not being able to manage my home - all the pets, the maintenance, the fear of the house or the car being broken into in my long absence. The food going rotten. The inability to keep up with my various jobs. The difficulty in doing all the tax work I need to do in the beginning of the year. In other words, a nightmare! When I think about how easily something like this could have happened to me in my pregnancy, and what a total life-altering disaster it would have been, it makes me cringe.

Fortunately she has her husband to keep the home fires burning, but when I asked her how he was doing she said she thought she was doing better than he was. She, by the way, is doing fine, because she's one of these people who just doesn't let things get to her. I think I would probably do this - drop into an intense depression after the initial shock, then rally a bit and try to make my time there festive, then towards the end get fed up and depressed again.

I will make an effort to visit every week. I know how important that must be, to have visitors under those circumstances, especially after the first couple of weeks when people get caught up in their own lives again. Today I am having my first day out sans Bumpus in what seems like eons. I am going to see a dumb movie and then to a Christmas party with some girlfriends. Can't wait for a little Mommy time.

Pregnancy and birth is just so fraught. Sometimes I think you have to be nuts to want to do this, with all the potential for disaster at every turn, and a guaranteed dramatic, physically challenging end. For today I'll celebrate that I was just crazy enough to do this, and that The Bumpus is happily and safely OUTSIDE my body!

Rainy days & Fridays

I think things are returning to somewhat normal around here. B still cries when I leave the room, but he is content in any of his containing devices (jumper-living room, playpen-dining room, Go Pod-kitchen, crib-bedroom) as long as I'm nearby. His extreme fussiness after this trip, and my resulting frustration and exhaustion, really makes me question future non-essential travel with him. It seems the more people I talk to/hear from on this issue, the more people seem to have decided to just not travel for a few years. Although one person last night told me their one-year-old niece can already play basic games on an IPod Touch, so at least maybe by next holiday season B can be entertained by a device of some sort.

This doesn't solve the problem of band travel - one gig confirmed for August, three more in the works, two others I've already passed on. I should just pass on them all, honestly. But I don't want to let the band down, and I do enjoy the stimulation these jobs offer. I thought of maybe bringing a sitter along - I know one girl who might be game - but when you add up buying her flight, paying food for three days, plus paying her, we're into thousands, and these gigs rarely make more than $700 or $800 or so. So maybe by the summer I won't mind throwing money down the toilet - and BOY would it be helpful to have someone else on the flight with me. But I have no idea what B will be like by next summer. He might be a nightmare, who knows? Ugh! I wish people would just stop frigging hiring us already!

For now it is pleasantly rainy and cozy here. I have been baking up a storm and cooking as if to prepare for a major disaster. I get a slight inferiority complex when I see all the people on FB with their trees and decorations already up; I will do all this next week. This week is all about recovery!

And work on my event. It dawned on me that tomorrow is Dec 1st and I still have no pricing structure in place, I am short three bands, and have no themes selected. So yesterday I emailed a bunch of bands, put the schedule online, and started work on the online registration form. Now is when I have to make all the decisions that will affect me until fall of 2014. Can you see why I sometimes get paralyzed and just can't make any decisions? It's very daunting. But it has to be done, and now. Registration opens Feb 1, which will coincide with all of my money running out. But at least I've been aggressively saving, so in case I get into trouble I have a small safety net (which I'd much rather use to build a sleeping loft in my attic than to pay my water bill, but you've gotta do what you gotta do, right?).

Here's a pic of me DJing last night:

Separation Anxiety

Not sure if we've hit this milestone or if we're both just discombobulated from the trip, but Bumpus has been super clingy/needy/whiny/cry-y the last two days. It's like having a newborn all over again - only one that weighs 20 pounds and can pull my hair out, put bruises all over my arms and legs from kicking, and never sit still for a dressing or diaper change. Agh!

Normally we have a pleasant, quiet home with only the sounds of toys and B chattering to himself. This week it's been blood-curdling screams every time I even make a motion to get up and leave the room, even if I don't actually leave the room. Almost non-stop crying, even when I'm right there. I would question if he's sick or in pain except for the fact that he is immediately happy the minute I pick him up. If this goes on much longer I may just revert to newborn tactics and strap him to me in a carrier all day. He's obviously going through something, I just don't know what, or how long it'll last. But boy do I wish I had my jolly little guy back!

For me, I am somewhat exhausted and fed up, but I think I'm putting a good face on. The band recently got an offer to play a weekend event in Canada in May, and as always I have mixed feelings - it's a great opportunity for us, and personally I'd love to do it. But what about the kid? Do I take him? Who watches him when I sing? Do I leave him behind? Will he be weaned by then? Would anyone be willing to watch him for a whole weekend, and if so, at what cost? Is fifteen months too young to be left behind (I'm thinking probably yes)? I can sub out and get another singer of course. But I do really hate having to make these decisions. So glad he'll only be a little baby once! Someday soon I'll never have to ask myself these questions ever again. That's very freeing.

In other news, I noticed I lost a follower in the last couple of days. It's always kind of an odd thing - I try to tell myself it probably has nothing to do with me; someone was maybe cleaning out old blogs off their list, or just isn't interested in the topic anymore, or canceled their account, any number of things. But then the sensitive side wonders if I said something that offended someone, or if I got boring or monotonous, or since I had the baby the drama is over so I'm no longer interesting. In short, is it something I said? Makes me wonder.

For now I am very busily booking my schedule for the holiday season, responding YES to every invite I get, because I want to get out and enjoy myself as much as possible. Most of these events are Bumpus-friendly so I'll be taking him, but for example this Saturday I'm seeing a movie, so it's to the Baby Kennel we go. Can't wait, personally - I desperately need a break-!

Nipples o' Fire

I think the above title pretty much sums up my holiday weekend. Oh, there was more to it than that, of course. But I'm experiencing yet another episode of breastfeeding-related pain, and it ruled this last week. Months ago it was all-over achy pain; this time it's just the nipples, from being suctioned all night, clamped between hard gums, pulled like taffy and yanked across the room. It's not surprising, then, that they have reacted by feeling like they're on fire all the time. I've never loved my deliciously cool silicone nipple guards more than I do now. Looking for this phase to end real soon!

So, the holiday. Let me just say it was a really nice visit, the seemingly impossible challenge of flights with baby, rental car, driving in the middle of the night to the b&b, etc, all went seamlessly. Everything just worked out. And Bumpus delighted his relatives, and it was a joy to see how much they enjoyed him. But as when I critique a piece of writing and pick it apart for analysis, this doesn't mean I don't like it. So yes, it was a great trip. But here is the breakdown:

B was ok on the outgoing flight because he slept a lot; return was miserable. He is just too big, strong, and full of energy to do this anymore. I am considering shelling out the dough for the extra seat from now on. To spare my neighbors I walked the aisles nearly the whole 5 1/2 hour flight. Thank God for the Ergo! Otherwise he was just a kicking, squirming, back-arching, nipple-tearing maniac. At least I don't have to fly with him again for a LONG time, probably not until summer. Maybe by then I can shell out $1000 for an extra seat. Because this whole thing? This is not happening again, period.

Our troubled sister was ok - no weird incidents - but she sure does know how to shut down a conversation. She has her obsessions - hatred of the wealthy, fear of having no retirement, and her peri-menopause. Even as we were giving thanks around the table she brought it back around to how they have no money in the bank, no savings (join the club!) And she talked endlessly about her hair loss, hormonal issues, rages, hot flashes, etc. What do you say to a person who is always at the end of their rope, who is always miserable, year after year, who's life pretty much sucks, and never gets better? There's only so much sympathy you can offer. I know people got this way with me years ago before I decided to get happy and stop draining everyone. I feel bad for her, but sometimes I wish she'd just lighten up, even if only for a minute.

The weather ended up being very cold, which really restricted our movements. We kind of couldn't do anything, which was kind of a bummer because it's such a neat area with lots of fun activities (Western Mass). Still, with the cold and the baby and the general exhaustion, it was just as well. I have a whole new appreciation for you ladies who raise kids in cold climates, good Lord!

I never did get to sit and enjoy a meal with my family because of the baby, and that sucked. I did feel like my personal experience of the holiday was sort of thwarted, but oh well, it's not about me anymore, right? ;)

I mentioned the story of my friend who unintentionally insulted us (by telling her son B's father left us) and my step mother pointed out that she's a loose cannon, I don't know what she'll say around me, so I don't feel safe around her. Which I think perfectly articulates why I haven't called her back despite her attempts to contact me. Made me feel a little better about it.

I stayed in a solar-powered farm b&b with llamas and goats and peacocks, run by aging hipsters. Will for sure stay again, it was delightful!

And now...Christmas!!!