What do we do about college? Despite saving vigilantly, we probably will end up with a third to a half of what they’ll actually need if they attend four year schools. I don’t want them starting their lives in debt. And all the research and work to figure out how to work the system is going to fall solely on me. Not to mention helping choose careers and colleges at all (I’m assuming - I don’t really know what role high school guidance counselors play at this point). And now every move you make as a young person centers around what impact AI will have on your career plans.
Where will these kids live? They certainly can’t afford to live in LA. Will they just live with us forever? Will I, in fact, end up converting the shed into a garçonniere for one or both of them to live well into their adulthood?
Will they have relationships? Will they find careers they enjoy? Will they have children? Will they have good lives? I feel like I struggled so much as a young person and was so unhappy so much of the time - but again, I was feral. I was entirely on my own with no family support and no pathway to achieving my dreams, not to mention broke and isolated and bored. Will it be different for them? Will they go to college and have friends and goals and hope for the future? Despite the hope that being born under Obama brought, they’ve now lived their entire lives under Trump (or the threat of Trump), and although I expect an unraveling in the next few years, it’s going to be slow and not at all guaranteed. The world will never be as good as it could have, should have been. They’ve been robbed. And yet I have to keep this thought to myself lest they be plunged into despair.
Right now, neither kid knows what they want to do, neither kid has any interest in anything except video games. It’s depressing, but I also don’t know what to do about it - you can introduce musical instruments and cooking and sports as much as you want, but if they’re not interested, they’re not interested. How much of their lack of interest is my fault and how much is normal for kids this age in this time, I don’t know. They still seem to be happy kids who have lots of friends and get good grades and the teachers all love, so I must be doing something right???
My job is to get them to school on time, make sure they do their homework, make sure they brush their teeth and shower, make sure they get to the dentist and doctor, plot out our vacations, sign permission slips, plan holidays and birthdays and presents. Theo will need a computer this year for school; next year he’ll get a phone. Starting next year I’m going to have to educate myself about college - how to apply, where to apply, how to fund it, how the California UC system works. The one thing they have on their side is plummeting birth rates - I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing a lot fewer kids will be applying for college in 2029 than there were ten years ago or even today.
I’m in the autumn of my life - suddenly all my ambition is gone; I have zero interest in trying to get a new business off the ground or start a new hobby or do anything, really, except just count down til I don’t have to do my event anymore and can just live off my paltry savings and social security, a reality that’s only sixteen (or less) years away. Right now the possibility of even being able to run sixteen more events is looking pretty grim - attendance is lagging, hotel room booking is lagging (still not sold out and it’s almost May - in previous years I was sold out in January or February). I’m preparing for more losses this year, and I’ll squeeze by thanks to my giant tax return - but that’s not sustainable. If I keep losing year after year I’m in big trouble. Thankfully I appear to have a decent contract person at the hotel with whom I’ve been working to implement some protections in future contracts, ie, the ability to downsize the event without penalty and with late notice, not years in advance where I can’t possibly predict what’s going to happen. The fact that the big Swedish camp has been going since the 80s and has survived economic trends and social trends and all sorts of horrific political upheaval in our scene, far worse than I’ve experienced, gives me hope. Events don’t typically die unless the people in charge choose to kill them, especially not established beloved ones like mine. But, adjustments may have to be made, mainly, dropping the Thursday night and returning to our old format, which would be a huge bummer but may be necessary if I lose people again this year and then again in 2027. At that point I’ll have no choice.
And in the middle of all this, in the next four to five years, I’ll have kids going to and graduating from high school, and getting on with their lives, and quite possibly moving out. I can’t fathom what it will be like to have kids that are out on their own and you don’t hear from them for weeks or even months…and yet, if all goes well, this is exactly where I’ll be in just a few years. I’m glad I have other things in my life, mainly, the dance community, otherwise I don’t know what the hell I’d do without the comfortable routine of taking care of kids. No matter what I’ll be an emotional wreck, this is certain.
I went to the desert by myself last weekend because the friend that was supposed to join me got sick. Honestly, it was boring and lonely. I’m so used to being constantly around people that I don’t like being alone anymore. When you’re surrounded by people you long to just read quietly and cook for yourself and have some quiet, but then when you get all that it just sort of feels hollow. But I also know it really is what you’re used to - years from now when the H is gone and the kids are gone and I am in fact permanently on my own for the rest of my life (unless I meet another man, which is unlikely), it’ll be a lot easier to lean into it and make the most of it like I did in my thirties - joining clubs and traveling and trying new things. It’s sad and somewhat alarming to think of our desert place as not being practical once the H goes. So much of what happens out there depends on his brute strength and ability to fix things, and things need fixing pretty much all of the time. If the kids aren’t interested in keeping it, it may have to be sold, and nobody would want a place like that unless they were slightly crazy. One thing that happened while I was out there was the neighbor with all the shipping containers texted me that he wants to sell and do we want it. My first instinct was YES so that we don’t end up with some nightmare neighbor, but then I realized it would have to be a cash sale (there’s no mortgages for places like that) and I had a local realtor come by and assess the place, and his thought was everything on it plus the land is worth about $50,000 but honestly it’s not really worth anything to anybody. It’s just a mess of half-finished projects - even the little cabin they built is completely unfinished, just studs like it was two years ago. And that’s my main feeling about it - we don’t need any of that, and it’s just more money and headaches right when we’re done with that phase. It can’t be lived in or rented. It is, as the realtor said, valueless. So I passed, and we’ll see if he actually lists it or gets any takers. Personally I think the best case scenario would be if he took all the crap away that he hauled out there and abandoned the place, leaving it the way it was when we moved in, with a nice unobstructed sunset view. I think a lot of people are like him, they find places in the desert and have high hopes and put in a ton of work, but they all lose interest when they find out how inhospitable it really is out there. It’s the story of Wonder Valley, really - all the LA hopefuls who bought cheap 5 acre plots in the 50s, built tiny cabins, used them for a generation of target practice and tortoise chasing, then the kids had no interest and let the places rot. That could be the fate of our little place, too.
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