Something broke

I spent all weekend singing at the only local swing dance event other than mine, which is always stressful because I’m singing with the orchestra which I only do 2-3 times a year so I don’t really know the songs, I’m always at my fattest in January so I can’t fit into most of my clothes, am usually battling some mid-January respiratory mess (for once not this year), and in general I’m just not up for the level of socializing required of me over three days. But I sucked it up and put on my big girl panties (literally) and went and did my job.

But all of us came into the event pretty broken from a week of news coming out of Minnesota under seige, and then once that man was executed in the street on Saturday morning we all just lost it. It was all anyone could talk about, and I was pissed I was stuck doing this instead of joining my neighbors protesting. Sometimes it’s good to escape into a dance event, but this weekend it just felt wrong. On top of everything else, we held a memorial Sunday for one of our swing dance elders who passed recently, and I knew I’d have to deal with an old friend who’s turned into a MAGA monster, and despite my many machinations to keep her away from me, she ended up sitting a seat away from me and bombing me with a hug which I had no choice but to participate in. And we were all a blubbering mess and it was EXTREMELY stressful. 

As one always does at funerals, it made me reflect on my position in the world as a torch bearer for this swing dance thing I’ve been doing for now 30 years (this woman was herself a weekly venue runner who “kept the lights on” as it were). And my position right now is very precarious. Two more awful things happened that could dramatically affect how this year goes for me financially - one is, the hotel told me they won’t be adding anymore rooms to my block because of yet another big concert at the SoFi Stadium during my weekend, which, considering how concerned I am that I can even sell the rooms I have, is not, in and of itself, that much of a big deal, but in sending me my current pick up report, I discovered that my room block is all screwed up. I have a huge amount of rooms to sell on Thursday night, which I will never be able to sell. I was able to fix this for last year and somehow thought that change applied to my two remaining years; it did not. This was my mistake, of course, but according to my contract I’m not allowed to change this now. So, as I’ve done many times before, I had to send an email begging them to fix this. I’ve now been waiting on pins and needles for a week with no response. Then yesterday I get an email from Stripe telling me my account is “under review” and that I have to show documentation proving I have enough money in my account to cover refunds. Remember how two years ago they withheld 30% of my income until two weeks after my event ended?? I am TERRIFIED they’re going to pull that shit again, and this time I will not survive it since I’m making so much less money and they’re (possibly) doing this in January and not June. Last year I just sent them I think $2000 to hold in an account and that was sufficient. Why are they not doing that again? Why is this year different? I don’t understand, but this is the worst possible time to be pulling this crap. Plus I’m full of anxiety about how my price increase/contest launch is going to go on Sunday (I think I’m going to be pretty behind my usual) so all of this at once, plus how much the world sucks right now, is almost too much to bear. I’m a wreck.

I suppose it doesn’t help that I just got yet another period after finishing one two weeks ago (hello, endless perimenopause) and I’ve now been dieting for three weeks with about five pounds lost. That part I’m pretty happy about. Ten more to go! 

I told the kids that we wouldn’t be able to do our usual big trampoline birthday party again, despite having said we would. Last year cost an astounding $1500 or so dollars, and there’s just no way. I also think I’m going to have to shelve the concept for our summer Colorado road trip; it’s all mapped out, but I hadn’t paid for anything yet, in anticipation of a rough year. I don’t think it’s going to be possible. What can we do instead? Should we do anything instead? We don’t HAVE to do a summer trip. We could go camping during the week somewhere, or do a modified road trip closer by, shorter, and thereby cheaper. I could start over and map something like that out. The kids were understanding, of course. The reality is, they never get invited to giant parties like they used to, which tells me either a) they’re just not being invited and/or b) kids just aren’t doing them anymore. As much as I liked to connect with the parents and see these kids my kids always talk about, I have to admit I’m not sorry to see the era of the big party pass me by. Trying to wrest parents’ contact info is almost impossible, plus the stress of people not showing, and then the expense of it all - it kind of sucks. I told them both they could invite a friend or two to do some kind of activity - go to Knott’s Berry farm, go to a movie, play games, something. But I think they’re relying on me to orchestrate all that and I just don’t want to. I can come up with a concept for two family parties with cakes and presents but beyond that, right now, I’m tapped out. 

Waiting for the flood

Is he dead yet?

No.

Now apparently we’re on the brink of invading Greenland. Will that be enough for people to turn on him? Will anything? We’ve been asking ourselves this question for ten years. TEN YEARS. Someone pointed out that young people have barely known a world without Trump. They don’t know what it’s like to go from one benignly ineffectual president to the next, mildly annoyed when he’s not on your team or mildly enthusiastic when he is (always he, of course). I say we elect the Latina in charge of Newsom’s socials. 

In other news, we did the BIG CLEANUP around here - several boxes of discarded electronics spanning decades plus a bit of old paint (not as much as I had hoped - the H tossed multiple cans in the garbage not realizing you’re not supposed to do that) went to the city hazardous waste place on Saturday. It also means an official end to many of the boys’ childhood things - the mini iPads they used when they were smaller, a whole box of cheap electronic toys the H bought them, also tons of cheap holiday decor I got at the dollar store over the years (my buy nothing group has been great for this - lots of daycare and preschool teachers). I remember doing a purge like this once the kids were no longer toddlers; SO MUCH plastic crap that I put on the street. It’s psychological, for me, to need to move on to their next phase of life, which is teenager hood. In two months we’ll know if Theo got into the gifted program at Bobby’s school; in five I’ll officially have a high schooler and a middle schooler. Crazy. I got notice for Bobby’s graduation today - June 4, our 4th anniversary. Hopefully Theo’s is close to that date so my sister can attend both. 

We’ve had a lovely summer run of weather the last week - it must have been like that when I “visited” in January of ‘93 and never took my flight back to NY. These winter heat spells get me all riled up and aspirational. On Sunday I went to the open house of the Victorian I saw online when I was in Florida - it was as expected, completely thrashed and non-sensical, with a warren of tiny rooms and half-finished amateur renovations on the verge of collapse. The woman running the open house was a friend of the realtor who didn’t know much about the place - I commented on the lack of outdoor space (it looked like there was just a tiny cement patio out back) but went out to investigate, only to find a small staircase leading up to a giant overgrown yard that backed up to a hill, part of Debs park, perhaps. I could never buy that house now - my taxes would jump up too much, and they’re asking too much (I think you’d need at least a quarter million to fix the place up), but boy what a fun project that place could be if I had the money. The idea that I *could* start thinking about moving when I turn 55 and can take my tax rate with me (although I realize it wouldn’t be what I pay now, just my rate, or something) is somewhat tantalizing, even though of course the smart thing to do would be to just stay here forever. Then there’s the idea of my sister and I pooling our resources to buy something really fabulous together years from now when the husbands and children are gone. At least we’re of the same mind about what we like - having been raised in New England, it’s just a given that you buy some rambling old beat up Victorian and slowly, painstakingly restore it. I don’t think I could ever sell the H on this dream, but he’s a native Californian, why would he want that? For now I need to stop looking at real estate and settle in. I’m not going anywhere; I can’t. And I’m extremely privileged that I have a place to live in LA at all, and I never forget that, not for one minute. 

January

It’s January. Kids are back in school this week, Bobby finally got his giant pants back from the dry cleaner where I was having them hemmed (he didn’t feel this was necessary, but they were literally under his shoes by about six inches) and is delighted by them, I’m spinning a million plates doing boring tax work (62 1099s written, about 15 to go) and preparing my big price increase/contest launch for Feb 1. I always forget how insane January is for me - every year I think it’s going to be so chill and relaxing after the holidays but get hit in the face with a ton of tax deadlines and event stuff that has to happen RIGHT NOW. Chill it is not.

A lot is going to happen in the next two months. First, I’ll have real insight into how my financial year is going to look after I do the price increase and also my taxes; boys will turn twelve and fourteen; and I hopefully will be about ten pounds thinner. Diet started in earnest a week ago and it’s been going fine - I even survived lunch with a friend today by taking half home - but for how overweight I’ve become, it’s going to be until mid-April before I reach my goal weight if I even make it that far. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for people who have so much weight to lose that it’s a years-long process of constant dieting and working out. For example, if I had to lose in the neighborhood of 50 lbs, it would take a full year. A YEAR!! Ugh. You can see why people don’t bother. I still have that unused bottle of terzepatide in my medicine cabinet from last year, but honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever take it. I don’t feel the need. But it’s easy to say that now, when I’m pumped up and motivated and full of discipline. Talk to me in six weeks when I’ve plateaued and am SO OVER IT. 

Still, my closet is full of clothes I can’t wear - especially pants. And when I do try to wear the bigger ones I just feel like a stuffed sausage. I hate it. So dieting it is. 

I’m going to wait until after Feb 1 to decide if we should do the elaborate Colorado road trip I had mapped out for us this summer. As much as I’m longing for a family road trip again, I just don’t know if I can afford it. These trips usually run north of $3000 or $4000 when you factor in lodging, activities, food, gas, pet sitter, gear for whatever we’re doing, etc etc. I’m going low key for spring break - trying to figure out how to spend a night or two in Bombay Beach and then head to the cabin for a few days, catching Gary Numan at Pappy & Harriet’s on the way home. I can always do a cheaper Hawaii trip (with free hotel and almost free flights it’s actually cheaper than a road trip) but I kind of wanted to reserve my points for a winter break Hawaii trip at the end of the year instead. Boy, I wish we had more money for travel. But we just don’t, and probably won’t for some time. 

In the meantime, ICE is rampaging through our cities - I’m getting daily notices from both kids’ schools about ICE activity around the schools and have had to tell the kids what to do if they see ICE causing trouble (at this point, get the hell away since those motherfuckers are just randomly shooting bystanders now). The H and I have whistles at the ready; otherwise we just sit here and quietly (or not so quietly) seethe. Boy, this regime can’t end soon enough. 

Extended family

Yesterday we returned from a week in Florida at my sister’s place. In attendance were my sister and brother-in-law, older cousin and his wife and three kids, younger cousin and his wife, sister’s dad (she’s technically my half sister). and step-aunt. Managing fifteen people from the age of eleven to ninety-three is no joke. Much of it involved piling into cars, grocery shopping, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cooking giant meals, wandering aimlessly in public places, playing board games, looking at family photos, and laundry. I can’t even imagine how big families operate on a daily basis - although I suppose you get a system down pretty quickly. 

But it was fun and exhausting and gratifying and reminded me that, despite the vast underperformance of the generation before us, us kids turned out alright - we’re all in solid, healthy relationships, our kids are well-behaved and pleasant to be around, we’re progressive free thinkers, and enjoy each other’s company. We usually only do these big get-togethers once every two years, which means this may have been our last Florida trip - my sister may move up her plans to move to California and could be here sooner than the end of 2027. One of my cousins was floating the idea of moving here, too. It would be wild to live close to relatives again - I haven’t had that scenario since we were all clustered in the northeast in the 80s. But it seems like this could happen sooner than later. 

I hit the ground running today with all the usual post-trip maintenance - laundry, groceries, paying bills, taking out garbage, putting things away, meanwhile sorting breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the kids who are still on winter break for five more days. I also delved into some registration system stuff for my event, being as I have the big contest launch in three weeks, which quickly spiraled into a lengthy online chat help session and then several hours trying to set up and use their scheduling system which I always pay for but haven’t used in a few years. Of course it’s all updated now so the learning curve has been intense, but I’m determined to fill it out completely to see if it’s better than the google sheet I’ve been using. It’ll be several more days of work until it’s done. But it would be nice to have a schedule available for people looking to sign up for contests. I also have to completely re-write several sections of my website. And do a ton of tax work. Playtime is over, I guess!!

For me, I’m going to start the dreaded diet for real next week when I’m back on schedule - but I’ll start eating less holiday-style until Monday anyway. I won’t weigh myself until then. I think I’m finally getting my period as we speak - since it was due a month ago as of tomorrow, I think we can safely say it’s no longer “late” but just “skipped”. I’m annoyed I’m getting it at all, but being as I’ve never skipped before, maybe this is a step in the right direction that things are at least slowing down.