I’m not doing well emotionally which is why I just don’t have the energy. I’m very apprehensive about this year going forward. My biggest concern is a huge financial crash - which may or may not happen. If it does happen it will affect me directly. Is this the year we finally get rid of Rump? Maybe, maybe not. Most likely scenario is he will finish out his term and do untold levels of damage to the environment, international relations, the economy, race relations, women, immigrants, etc etc over the next two years while we all stand around helplessly. Or we somehow dump him without being stuck with Pence. I’d like to be hopeful. I just don’t dare.
I don’t know what to expect from that other dance event moving away from a week away from me to Thanksgiving. It could have zero effect; it could take away all of my international competitors. I lean towards it not hurting me. But who knows? One good thing is I don’t have to make *quite* so much money this year since I have no major house renovations planned. But I also have a collapsing garage and a foundation in questionable condition. So who knows.
Ok, I’m going to try to look at the positive things. Closing out the year, my three and a half year relationship is going strong. That’s a huge accomplishment. Also, my children are healthy and thriving. Also, I have a safe, happy place to live, with a kitchen that will be complete sometime in the next few weeks that will be paid for. My band is doing well and we have many exciting offers and trips planned for next year. My business is at its apex and should stay there (or at least return after a brief correction). Everything is going great. And yet I’m not happy, and am, in fact, depressed. Ain’t that a pisser?
It didn’t help that two nights ago while having dinner with a female friend, some psycho guy got all in my face and got super aggressive and rude over an open window. It was really scary and upsetting. I can still see his smug face and aggressive posturing like he was ready to punch me. I asked him why he was being so mean to me when I’d done nothing to him, and he just told me to turn around and eat my dinner. My friend and I were both terrified and angry. And he left all proud of himself, I’m sure thinking, “I told that bitch good” (I’d like to repeat I did NOTHING to warrant this except close a window that was blowing freezing cold air directly on me that wasn’t anywhere near him. I’m still totally confused why he went off on me and thought it was ok to threaten a woman like that). A similar thing happened a couple of weeks ago when I was sitting in a drive thru line and some guy came up to my window and started screaming at me and gesticulating like he wanted to punch me, and to this day I have no idea about what. Oh sure, both of these guys are psychos and I know none of these incidents had anything to do with me. But I’m so sick of being every angry man’s punching bag - and I just have to sit quietly and take it because I’m afraid of being punched or hurt in some way (which both of those guys would have been happy to do, I guarantee). So yes, I protected myself by taking the higher road. But I also allowed them to feel emboldened “I sure told that bitch!” and able to go victimize some other innocent woman just minding her own business. Is that ok? No, no it’s not.
Anyway...suffice it to say that two days later I’m still really upset and traumatized and afraid to leave the house. I’ve had the kids all day alone the last two days and will again tomorrow, and then all weekend, and then for god knows how long once the teachers’ strike starts next week. The thought of this fills me with despair. Still, at least I don’t have to get up at six...?
Anyway, my brain is in full downward spiral mode at the moment. I can’t stop ruminating and feeling afraid and angry and frustrated. I have no positive thoughts going into 2019. What will happen this year will happen whether we want it to or not, and we have zero control over just about anything.
Happy New Year!
Haha, love the toilet brush!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about those angry men. I wonder if that's more of a thing now because of Rump? it just sucks and is so unfair and awful.
I wonder if you are depressed, too, because this was the year you lost your mom? even though she was so tough and not a positive in your life (or in your life at all), it still closes a door on something that can never be repaired. just a thought.
amazing that you have been in this relationship for 3.5 years already! i remember when you just hit a year, like, yesterday. that is amazing.
this is such a tough time of year for so many folks. hugs to you. soon it will be over and the kids will be back in school and you will have that completed, PAID FOR kitchen!