Kindergarten countdown

Bobby has five more days of school. Our reviews are mixed. Bobby has said things like, “I hate school” and “it’s really not all that fun.” I was shocked by how much work it was, for both of us. It seems like our parents sent us to school and then pretty much forgot about us. Not so today. Still, I will say the seemingly endless tide of projects and donations and volunteer requests slowed considerably after Christmas; his teacher even stopped giving nightly homework a couple of weeks ago, which has been great. But I guess, as with all things parenting, it’s all about expectations. I expected the school years to be easy on me, and so far that has not been the case. Now that I know the deal I’ll be better prepared for all that is to come. 

I think I have narrowed down Theo’s school options to one which is the best fit - I’ll know for sure after tomorrow’s morning tour. But unless there’s a head in the teacher’s lounge refrigerator, he’s totally going there. It’s right across the freeway from us, so super close, which enables me to easily drop both kids in the morning (I could even walk to this school in a pinch, which is always a nice feeling); it’s small and boutique-y in a nice little neighborhood; and best of all, it is the other school we’re zoned for, so no wait list - Theo is guaranteed to get in. Why did I not think of this school before? Because it has terrible test scores. But I’ve come to realize that’s a bit of a red herring in this neighborhood; the language barrier is an issue, not necessarily the quality of the school. A fellow preschool parent recommended I check it out and so I did, and I think that’s our answer.

The boyfriend offered to take one of the kids to school every day if one school was too far for me to do both...and that’s very nice...but...I just don’t want to let go of that control. I need to do it myself. 

So now I am facing what I have waited seven years for - two children in school all day. A year earlier than I thought. I’m delighted but also a little scared. It’s basically a return to my pre-kid life in 2011, something I can barely remember. Our current schedule, the most non-kid having I’ve had so far, has been this since last June:

Monday: Bobby to school at 8, Theo to preschool at 12:30. Pick up Bobby at 5 and Theo at 5:30

Tuesday: Bobby to school at 8, Theo to preschool at 9:30. Pick up Theo at 12:00, pick up Bobby at 5.

Wednesday: Bobby to school at 8, Theo to preschool at 9:30. Move Theo to other preschool at 12:00, pick Bobby up at 5 and Theo up at 5:30

Thursday: Bobby to school at 8, Theo to preschool at 9:30. Pick up Theo at 12:00, pick up Bobby at 5.

Friday: Bobby to school at 8, Theo to preschool at 9:30. Move Theo to other preschool at 12:00, pick Bobby up at 5 and Theo up at 5:30

It is exhausting. 

As of mid-August both kids will be at school at 8 every day. I’m not sure what Theo’s options will be for afterschool or if I’ll even utilize them - I may just pick him up at 2:30 every day. 

Paperwork is my jam

I applied for Theo’s potential ETK school today. It’s amazing the amount of paperwork required for public school - I find it kind of fascinating (and a little depressing) all the scenarios kids in school are party to. There’s forms for all kinds of low income programs, Native American programs, questions about if the child is a runaway or in foster care or homeless, questions about current living situations (shelter, trailer, car, etc), questions about your pregnancy and birth, questions about restraining orders. The guy at the counter asked about the blank father sections. I said Theo is a sperm donor kid, so no legal father. He said, “oh, cool.” Gotta love millennials. 

I feel about 75% confident he’ll be admitted there, although there’s always a chance the neighborhood will have a surge of kids and Theo, zoned for another district, won’t have a spot. Although I went to a less popular but much closer school yesterday and left my name on a list. This other school would be a lot more convenient - I could easily drop both kids myself in the morning - but is lower rated. I have to admit, though, that for logistical reasons I might just have him go there if he can. I know people who’s kids went there and loved it; also it gets great reviews from parents even if the test scores aren’t great. My neighborhood is tricky since some 80% of the kids aren’t native English speakers; it doesn’t always mean the schools are bad, it just means these kids have more on their plates. Also, whatever school he goes to will only be for one year. As long as the school is safe not much else matters at this age.

I am a bit panicked about this upcoming holiday weekend with no plans. Sometimes they just sneak up on you, you know? I tried desperately to get us a camping spot to no avail; there’s a vintage picnic I love going to but a friend has put on a party at the same time which will take anyone I would have gone to the picnic with. I’m at a loss. I think I’m going to have to get creative and come up with some “staycation” ideas like treasure hunts and beach days. I suck at this. 

Paperwork is my jam. Creative entertainment of small children is not. 

ETK

Today I was chatting with one of the dads at Theo’s Lord of the Flies preschool and he mentioned that his just-turned four year old was going to be leaving to start in an “extended transitional kindergarten” at a local LAUSD elementary school, then the next year head to Bobby’s school for kindergarten. 

Um...what?

When I got home, I frantically googled “extended transitional kindergarten” and found out that, indeed, about ten schools in my neighborhood offer a whole year of basically pre-kindergarten for kids born around when Theo was. Five full days of school a week, and free. 

I found a performing arts magnet with above average ratings and called them - worrying I may be too late, misunderstood the program, or somehow missed the boat - and apparently all I had to do was get a letter from Theo’s intended school allowing him to attend school in another district for that year, and then if they have space he can be admitted, and they make that determination by June 25th.

I raced up to B’s school and got the letter, then raced to the magnet school and met with the guy I had talked to on the phone who was of course shocked to see me, letter in hand. I asked what were Theo’s odds of being admitted there - he said the last two years everyone who’s applied has been admitted. It doesn’t always happen, of course - they have to make room for neighborhood kids, siblings, etc first. So it’s no guarantee. But I think there’s a very good chance. 

If not, there are several other passable schools nearby. I’m confident he can be admitted somewhere. And it’s only for one year - as long as it’s a safe environment (well, shit - is any school “safe” right now?) the academic performance of the school isn’t that important. I mean...he’s four.

So I have reams of kindergarten admission paperwork to compile this weekend, then first thing Monday I’ll take it over there. Then, we wait. 

What does this all mean? Oh, so many things. You know how you think of the moment your youngest child starts school as the moment you get your freedom, the moment you get “you” back, the moment you can start some of the projects/self care you’ve put on the shelf for seven+ years? Well, for me that moment has just been moved up a year. A YEAR. My head is spinning with the ramifications. By mid-August I could have two children in full time, big kid school. No more bullshit half-days or carting kids around from school to school, never having more than a couple of hours to myself. I can’t even imagine it.

Is Theo ready for big kid school? I think so. He’s an affable, easy-going kid who makes friends easily and seems to adjust to new places with aplomb - I think he’ll do great.

This will earn me eight more child-free hours a week. Even picking Theo up right after school each day, which I would, since I would feel weird about him going to an afterschool program every day when he’s so young and there’s no reason I can’t just go get him. I could get Bobby a little earlier, too. Not getting home at 6 pm three days a week would open up so much more time for homework, reading, music practice, play, etc etc. Our nights wouldn’t be a mad rush anymore. 

Oh, and guess what? I will save $725 a month. I’m going to invest that right back into some quality healthcare, which should run about $100 more than that, so I don’t get to keep that money, but it will be better for us all around. 

The one problem is getting two kids to two schools at 8 AM fifteen minutes apart. I have asked the BF if he can take one, and he said he can. I think this will also solve the problem of his dilly-dallying in the mornings, getting to work too late, and then staying too late. If not I can always drop B earlier, which is not ideal, but doable. 

My head was positively bursting all day with all of the possibilities and also all of the paperwork and steps to make this happen; now it’s the weekend and I need to just let it go for a while. 

See why it’s important to occasionally talk to people??

Mother’s Day, and other stories

It gets easier. And it doesn’t. 

Three Mother’s Day celebrations at three schools today, which means a lot of things I can’t stand - small talk, forced displays of affection, and sugary processed foods. But Mother’s Day with kids this age is not about us, it’s about them. One girl in Bobby’s class stood alone with red eyes and a tear stained face. Oh, the abandonment. Also, the guilt of that mother who no doubt had to travel, work, or was sick or even dead while this was going on. The guilt. 

I’m profoundly grateful I rarely have to miss these events for these kids. They may say what they like about me later, but I was there. 

Every year it gets easier to handle the influx of Mother’s Day promotions in my inbox and sentimental Facebook posts waxing poetic about one’s mothers. This is probably the first year I can sincerely be happy for others that they and their mothers have good relationships. No, really. I have a lot. I don’t have that, but hey. Nobody gets everything in this life.

Somehow always haunting days like this is the terror that I will one day have a strained or non-existent relationship with these boys. I know that just can’t happen...but...I never imagined it would happen in my life, either. And yet here we are. Will they one day describe me to a therapist as cold, distant, narcissistic? Will my general impatience and exhaustion at times be the only thing they remember about me? Will the daily hugs and kisses and “I love you”s get lost in the ether like so many forgotten preschool fingerprint projects? 

Will I be gone by the time they’re adult enough to see me as separate from them, a human who lived a long life before them and who had a whole secret world of my inner thoughts they could only remotely imagine?

I just want what every parent wants - I want them to be good people. I want them to be happy, at least some of the time. I want them to not hate me. 

This week I saw the movie Tully, which was a raw and honest look at motherhood, the young girl still trapped in us, the unbearable, complex love we have for these little creatures even as they daily drive us slowly insane. A friend asked on Facebook if people ever regret having their children. Most of the parents answered what I would have - you regret and then un-regret it a million times a day. They are wonderful. They are terrible. Both of these things are true.

We are the most profound relationship in their lives. Sometimes the weight of this is unbearable. 

I was holding up pretty well until, driving home from the last party, Morrissey’s “Yes I Am Blind” came on my phone’s shuffle, a song which always symbolizes the first time I cut my mother out of my life due to her profound selfishness when I was nineteen. It always gets me, still. I thought of skipping it but then decided to let it play on - I needed a good cry, and I had one.

You’re just like me, 

And your life has not even begun

You’re just like me, you’re just like me,

And your life has not even begun...

Volcanos and strep and teacher meetings, oh my

The meeting with Bobby’s teacher went well. She has always been a bit of an enigma to me, so a friendly face-to-face meeting was a good idea even though it didn’t accomplish much. I definitely got the idea that Bobby’s behavior is not entirely out of bounds - apparently her class has way more boys than girls, and they tend to get each other all riled up. She told me the kindergarten teachers get together at the end of the year and shuffle the kids to make for the best 1st grade classes, so my hope is Bobby will be separated from the kids he gets into the most trouble with. Around home he’s been much better, too. Although the snark is strong with this one. He is his mother’s son!

After my last trip I won’t be out of town until end of June, so I’m grounded for a while, but at the moment all I can think about is end of school and summer schedule. The kids’ Lord of the Flies summer camp starts at 10AM most days. Do you know how freeing it’s going to be to get up two hours later?? I am already plotting my summer to make a commitment to go out dancing more - and most importantly, get more sleep. I definitely do not feel rested most of the time - I feel a bit like I have a baby at home again, always sort of bleary-eyed and longing for a nap. 

We had a bit of a scare last week with Theo having a bad reaction to his final MMR vaccine - terrible measles-like rash that started on his back and then spread to his chest and face. They’ve had a pretty serious Hand, Foot & Mouth outbreak at his afternoon School so I was concerned he’d caught it (even though his rash was nothing like the HFM symptoms). But he had fevers at night for a couple of days and was pretty miserable so I kept him out of school for a couple of days until the doctor could diagnose him - turns out it was MMR reaction plus strep throat. He’s fine now. But it did throw a bit of a wrench in things for a while.

In other news, the Air BnB we’ve booked on the Big Island of Hawaii for July may or may not be in the path of the currently erupting volcano. Nobody has messaged me, and I’m hoping two and a half months is enough time to get a sense of if it’ll be safe to go (worse comes to worst we can always figure out somewhere else to stay). But it has been a bit hair-raising!