Halloween

Early in the day at the preschool Halloween parade, not so much:

But then later that night:

Meanwhile at home, momma and Theo (aka Bebess) had our own fun:

Preventative measures

So today I high-tailed it to my dealer to buy a spare tire at a cost of $150. To be accurate it's just a donut, but at least I will never again be stranded by a flat tire. I may be stranded for other car problems, but at least not that! And next time I will be emotionally prepared to call friends, move car seats, etc. Ok, I get it. This is life with two kids and nobody to help. Everything clicks along just fine until something goes wrong, and then it all goes to shit.

I am still waiting on an estimate to replace my dining room window bars. After waiting all morning, the guy called and said he never got my text with my address (and his voicemail was full when I called). So...yeah.

On a happier note, a new interesting development is the fact that Bumpus now wants to play with his brother. Like, all the time. Which is great because it gives me a second to breathe...but also makes things hard because unless they are right under foot in the kitchen (which poses its own issues), I have to constantly check on them. The other day I caught Bumpus jumping up and down on Theo's stomach as he lay in the crib (Theo thought it was hysterical - not hurt, I guess...???); today B had covered T with my big, heavy comforter and T was smothered under it screaming his head off. Not to mention a million other dangers when there are two - the lid of the toy chest that can slam and break tiny fingers; the big heavy rocking car that can crush limbs; the toddler toys with small parts that can choke a baby. I'm kind of amazed any younger siblings survive, honestly. Thankfully B never mistreats T but he's way too young to grasp that he's big and strong and T is not (I insist he be gentle but in the heat of the moment that gets forgotten pretty easily). Also his desire to play with Theo means constant distraction - getting Bumpus to eat, brush his teeth, change a diaper, put his shoes on, do anything, has turned in to an absolute nightmare. I am worn out from the repeated cajoling, threatening, bribing, trying to make it fun, etc etc that is now required for every single thing we do all day long. Half the time I have to shut Theo in my room in the crib and leave him in there crying hysterically for 45 minutes just to get a spoonful of food down Bumpus' gullet. I'm hoping the novelty of Theo on the Move soon passes enough that B can focus again. And I do love that he wants to play with him, I do. But oh my God, is it exhausting for me!!!

Lately I've been thinking of how many times in the past people would ask me how hard all this was and I would say, honestly, that it wasn't hard at all. Now when people say that, I find myself saying, honestly, that yes, it's really really hard. Parenting a toddler and a baby all alone with no help is really hard. I have the "trifecta of shit" - no partner, no nearby helpful family, and no dedicated friend with no family of their own who can drop everything to help me. It is a small miracle I got a hold of Mom Guru right when she was able to come get me and that her husband was able to take most of the day the next day to come to my house, remove my wheel, take it to a store, buy a new tire, and come back and put it on. Just about any other day of the year this would have been totally impossible and I would have been stuck trying to get someone to watch the kids on a weekday while I did all of that myself, using cabs back and forth. It could have been so much worse!

But yeah, B is definitely a three-year-old in training. Testing the boundaries, needing everything a certain way (and if not, having to go back and do it all over again - just getting him down the stairs to the car can often take fifteen plus minutes as he goes back up and down over and over), emotional fallout constantly, loving something one minute and then hating it the next - it is so tiring to deal with this all day. Most times just trying to get any semblance of dinner is so impossible with his squirming and kicking and wanting to turn the lights on and off and wanting to touch this and wanting a different spoon and needing me to wipe his hands that I just throw the towel in and throw the food away whether he might have been able to finish it or not. It makes me shudder when I think this is how every night of our lives is going to be for years and years - he may sit more still, but I bet getting him to eat what I eat is going to be an uphill battle, with a lot of complaining and whining. I intend to institute the "you"ll eat what I make or get nothing" rule as soon as appropriate!!!

SMC nightmares, part 2

Bad vibes, bad vibes!!! The torment continues. So after getting B to school today I spent the day working on securing things around here - got LifeLock for identity theft (always a worry of mine), ordered mace (thanks for the suggestion!), and made a call about getting the kind of crappy window bars on my dining room window replaced with something more substantial. Then when I went to pick up B at 5:30, just as I got on the freeway, we got a flat tire. 

No problem, right? Call the KIA roadside assistance or AAA and get it fixed, right? Wrong. My car did not come with a donut or a spare. Stupid me, I assumed the KIA assistance would bring a tire, put it on, bada boom bada bing. Nope. They could only tow me to a dealer...and at this point the service departments of all the dealers were closed. And I have two little kids in the car, how are we going to be towed? Nobody, not the KIA assistance people, the dealer, nor AAA had an answer for this problem. So it's dark, it's getting cold, Bobby hasn't eaten anything but school snacks since breakfast, and the baby is screaming, and I am completely stranded with no way to get home. I was just about to throw up my hands and call the police when I figured I could start working my way through my contacts to see if anyone could pick us up that either had car seats or that I could install car seats for. Thank God my old friend Mom Guru just happened to be home and available - she came to get us while we had AAA tow my car the six miles to my house, then tomorrow her husband will come over to fix the flat with a new tire (and bring another spare!!!).

Finally got everyone into bed at 9, hours after their normal bedtime. I am exhausted and pissed off and emotionally drained. Yet another situation where you think you're doing the right thing to protect yourself and your family from potential disaster, and yet you can never do enough, and the things you do end up not working. So frustrating!!! 

I need a fucking vacation.

Paranoia

It's been a weird few days. Lots of bad feelings and weird incidents, but I'm so frigging exhausted I feel like I'm in a fog, and this fatigue fog is kind of protecting me from the worst of it.

Friday I came home from a brief grocery trip to find my gate open and voices along the side of my house. It was my neighbor talking to a young black man who was randomly standing by my dining room window - meaning he had climbed two flights of stairs to get there, he didn't just take a step or two off the street. He immediately explained that some guys were chasing him and he was hiding. There was nobody on the street for miles. He made a quick exit and I rather stupidly wished him to "take care" and "be safe"...but then my neighbor said he didn't buy the guy's story, said he'd watched him saunter up the stairs and walk all around my house, snooping in windows. I called the cops bit of course they said there was nothing they could do about it. I've been horribly on edge ever since - clearly this could have been horrible, had my neighbor not been home, or had I surprised him inside my house instead of just my yard. I don't even want to think of what could have happened. I feel incredibly vulnerable and unsafe. The worst is because of the kids I can't keep a loaded gun lying around like I use to to make me feel like I would at least have some chance of defending myself if the worst happened. I am so not in any space mentally, emotionally, or financially to be able to handle being the victim of a crime right now. Especially not a break in which would make me not want to be here, my safe place. Please tell me we thwarted the thieves and they've moved on! People tonight at my gig told me this is a common scenario (the I'm being chased bit) and that not even my window bars will protect me - that they'll just pull them right off. Oh great. 

So the next day I had all day with the kids (after zero sleep and jumping at every noise) and then a miserable drive to San Diego and back for a gig, got home after 3 AM, and then another long day with the kids only to put on yet another Halloween costume and do yet another gig tonight. Beyond tired doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now.

Of course today we had to have yet another in a series of unpleasant playground incidents. We've been going back to Third Trimester Park (gated, toddlers and babies only) because we've been having some nice relaxed times there. However, today once again a bunch of big kids were there, totally inappropriately, because their parents were hanging out somewhere else in the park and they were bored. So these three tween-aged girls were going down the little tiny slides and riding the tiny little tricycles, and at one point playing this not-so-friendly game of keep-away from Bumpus, which irked me, but eventually they tired of it and left. But then these two boys did the same, and they weren't so nice - sticking their tongues out and making faces at him while he guilelessly chased after them thinking he'd made friends. Then another older boy, about ten or so, who had been playing with the girls, came over and asked the boys what they were playing and could he play, too, and they pointed at B and said they were running away from him, and the boy oddly said, "I always do." At this point I jumped up and walked over to them and told them absolutely not, to stop it right now, that they were not playing nicely with him, I saw what they were doing, that he's only two years old and to leave him alone and stop being mean to him. One said B had thrown sand (he did not) and the other said they weren't doing anything. Yeah, right! 

What exactly goes through the mind of a ten or eleven-year-old that makes them think it's ok to tease and humiliate a little toddler in diapers? What the fuck is wrong with people? 

We've dealt with this several times before and I've always let it go because B is oblivious and it usually doesn't go further than running away from him - and unfortunately B is so friendly and trusting that he gets himself into these situations where kids start to mistreat him, whereas if he was more shy or afraid of people stuff like this wouldn't happen. But I'm no longer going to keep my mouth shut. Until B can defend himself I'm going to do it - I'm going to immediately shut down that mean teasing keep-away bullshit kids do. And you can bet if one day B or T treated a little kid like that I would kick their asses. 

I think kids get to a certain age and you think you can let them loose on a playground and they'll be ok without your supervision - what parents don't seem to get is your kid might be causing the problem and you have to be there to keep their behavior in check. Every time we've been through this there are no parents for miles, otherwise I'd go to them instead. And for fuck's sake, stay out of the toddler playground!!!

Right now I just feel shitty and scared and like no place is safe. Our home is vulnerable to intruders and there's nothing I can do to protect us; you go to a nice park for babies and a bunch of adolescent jerks victimize your toddler. Is no place sacred???

A church for the rest of us

Yesterday after months of false starts I finally got around to attending that "atheist church" I first heard about last spring. To be fair, it's not a church - they don't call it a church, it's not in a church, has no one "preaching", etc. It was just a gathering of about 150 people in a meeting space to sing pop songs (Rocket Man and Rollin' on the River), listen to a lecture on Big Bang theory by a physicist, and hear about volunteering opportunities in the community which was a big part of my going. A couple of guys led the "service" and very little was said about atheism or escape from religion until the end when they told their stories about leaving Mormonism. One anecdote was so eerily familiar to me it stopped me in my tracks. I thought for sure only my former religion made people go through thought processes like this; apparently it's more common than I thought:

He told a story about having recently left the LDS church and one morning couldn't start his truck. Immediately his well-trained brain starts its usual convoluted path - "why is this happening? What did I do to make this happen? What is God trying to show me with this? What lesson am I meant to learn from this?" etc etc etc. And then he realized all he really had to do was call a mechanic. I had many, many experiences like this after leaving my religion. I find being able to inhabit just this world we can see, hear, feel, smell, taste, and not worry about anything else, incredibly freeing. 

I wish I had been able to stay for coffee afterwards - I was dying to tell my story and hear others' - but I had a movie date with a friend. Next time - and there will be a next time - I will make sure to reserve time for this. The crowd was very diverse, interesting, and normal. No weird cult-y feeling, no feeling of wide-eyed desperation like you would get walking into the dying churches of my former religion. This new "church" has been expanding and opening all over the world. After a childhood spent in the tail end of a fad religion of the 1880s that is now uttering its last gasps of life, it's refreshing to be at the forefront of something new and exciting. Who knew the most galvanizing new religion would be no religion?

I'm excited to get involved in the volunteer opportunities with the kids someday. This is really important to me since despite my current poverty we still have so much more than so many, even myself at their age - we own our house, they have a room, we have a car, our bills are paid, there is food in the fridge and clothes on our backs. I don't want them ever taking this all for granted. I know I don't!

Obligatory pumpkin patch visit

Despite the snarkiness of this title, we actually had a fun time today. I guess it goes to show when you're determined to have a good time, you do. So despite the fact that:

When we were getting ready this morning T spit up all over the kitchen floor and then crawled in it, and

Some asshole on the 118 mouthed "bitch" at me as I passed him (what the hell is wrong with people??? I gave him a "what the fuck is your problem?" stare down as I passed), and

Bumpus had multiple screaming meltdowns all day; much of the day was spent with Theo lunging unhappily in the Ergo while I tried to steer the stubborn double stroller with one hand while dragging a screaming Bumpus by his arm through the hay with the other, and

I went as part of a new meetup group and yet never was able to connect with anyone, so spent the day alone, and

I had to spend $30 for entrance fees when I thought it was going to be $3, and

I had the unpleasantness of trying to explain to a two-year-old that yes, I know you want to go on that train ride "right now!!!", but you have to get back in the stroller so we can go all the way across the farm to buy tickets to then come back and ride the train (note to self: fucking buy long strip of tickets before your kid sees anything they want to do), and

I had to several times at the sand box jump up and tell B to stop grabbing other people's pumpkins and kicking them, while holding Theo on my boob, and

I had to endure yet another in a series of bitchy grandmothers reprimanding my son because he wouldn't immediately let her grandkid have something he just started playing with just because they wanted it right now, and

I could not, for the life of me, remember where we parked, so was stuck with 17 pound space heater on my chest (Theo) and awkward, difficult to steer double stroller in the uneven dirt for ages in the hot sun going up and down aisles looking for our car, and

Both kids screamed and whined the entire 1 1/2 hour ride home...yes! Despite all this, believe it or not, we still had a great time! We picked out pumpkins, Bobby got to go on a train and in the jump house which would have been impossible last year, I got cute pictures, and one woman took one look at me with my toddler and baby and said, "girl, you frigging rock." And watching all the very pregnant women chase their toddlers around, I thought, man, am I glad that's not me anymore!!!

Many times today I thought how much easier this would be with a partner. Having two children instead of one has really brought this issue home for me, and it sucks, and I hate, hate, hate admitting it. But there's no denying it. Putting aside the "guys never help anyway" argument, let's assume they do help, even a little. Days like this would be 10,000 times easier, and more fun, with a partner. There, I said it. Being a single parent of two little kids is fucking brutal. It takes every ounce of physical, mental, and emotional strength I have to get through it. But you do get through it, and all parents struggle, and all parents understand that outings like this, holidays, and vacations, are not for you to enjoy right now. They're for your kids to enjoy. And somehow right now I'm ok with that. 

I've got the words, I've got the tune

So last night I entrusted a new sitter with the day-into-night care of both kids while I drove up to UC Santa Barbara to play an awards dinner. It was nerve wracking because I've never used her before nor do I typically leave the kids unless they're already in bed asleep and don't even know I'm gone...but in an effort to start building towards my future freedom, I need to let some of that "but I'm the only one who can make Bobby dinner!"-control-y stuff go. And of course everything went fine. The kitchen table was greasy and Bobby was sleeping with the light on and came bounding into my room first thing this morning because his door was unlocked, but hey - I think I can say I've found an excellent candidate for future all-weekend sitter.

I have finally used up all the milk I pumped for my event six weeks ago, which means I am chained to the pump again every time I need to go out. If this pump weren't on loan I would burn it in effigy once all this is over. Spring can't come soon enough. Once everyone is outside my body and off the boob I plan on doing yet another thing I swore I'd never do which is get a tattoo commemorating the fact. Long term readers of this blog will get the connection when you see it. 

I am beginning to think my very presence at night is waking young Theo every couple of hours. Our sleep is horrible. If it weren't for the couple of hours in the late morning when I plunk him in his playpen full of toys in the living room while I go back to bed I would be a basket case. I am plotting to take up residence on the day bed in the attic space for the foreseeable future. There is nowhere else T can sleep (I wouldn't put him up there due to fall hazards), so I'm curious if I slept elsewhere for a while if he'd stop constantly waking. Possible? I don't know, it's just a theory. I've been super wishy-washy about this whole sleep thing mostly because every time I think I need to do something dramatic, suddenly we have a few good nights...only to have a bunch of awful nights follow. So I may try sleeping upstairs. Or not. 

Here is a pic of Theo charming the pants off a dance friend in her mid-nineties today:

Go towards the light...

It's 6:30 and both kids are in bed and asleep. Heck yes.

Remember that time before you had kids where you were horrified to hear mothers say they needed a "break" from their kids, or didn't understand that weird manic energy women get when they're out at night with other adults after days or weeks of being around babies and toddlers? I think I know what Friedan's "problem that has no name" is - it's the normal adult need to be around other adults. I kind of envy those people who prefer the company of children. If you know me at all you know I am not one of them. 

All of this is to say I had a great time singing with my band last night and look forward to all our other gigs this month - even the three long distance ones (San Diego, Santa Barbara). And yes, after a fun night out with friends I found today's endless slog a lot more tolerable. Even enjoyable, dare I say it.

I talked with my bandleader a bit more about travel. Our early in the year stuff may be set in stone without me - that includes DC and one in Rochester in June. But it's ok. Really, the longer I wait, the better - Theo being weaned and sleeping through the night, Bobby being potty trained - the more these things are established the better. Just being able to talk about it makes me happy. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, people. 

I've heard it said that all you need in life is something to love, something to do, and something to look forward to. I don't always have all these things, but today I do. Huzzah!

Freeeeeeeeedommmm...???

So I spent all last weekend bitterly "watching" all my friends and my band playing and enjoying a fun dance event in New Orleans via Facebook. Contrary to what I had originally thought when I stopped touring with my band, the traveling offers are not in fact drying up, they are multiplying. We have used a few local singers to fill in for me. And I expected to stay off the road for years, maybe permanently. But Abby's suggestion that I find someone to keep the kids home during my next event really made me start thinking...maybe I can start leaving the kids for a weekend here and there. Maybe I need it for my sanity. And maybe it's not such a bad thing to have someone, or a couple of people, I can trust with the 24-hour care of my two kids for a couple of days. Once I'm no longer breastfeeding - which is only months away now - really, why not?

Ideally I would like my San Diego babysitter for this, but she's not always available (and my prediction is she will be pregnant again in a few months and no longer able to sit for me), so I hit up a friend's nanny who is one of these gal Friday types who's always available for long term or short term personal assisting/babysitting/whatever jobs (God bless these people). She came by yesterday to meet the kids and get the general lay of the house, since I am going to use her for an all day-into night gig in Santa Barbara next Tuesday. I was going to pass on the gig entirely - I get kind of weird and control-y about being the one to feed the kids dinner and put them to bed - but this gig pays $450 so I'd be an idiot not to do it. And besides...wouldn't it be nice to let someone else have the frustrating job known as feeding a two-year-old dinner for once? Also, I'm considering this an audition for any possible weekend gigs - including next year's event. 

I told my bandleader to consider me "in" for 2015. Our first thing is a pretty prestigious gig in DC around the time I will probably want to wean T (April). I don't know if these promoters, spoiled by two years of not having to pay for me, will be willing to have me back on board. There may not be anything for me, after all this. But the possibility of it makes me giddy. 

And then there's the kids. Leaving them for two nights doesn't thrill me - but I have to say, being as I spend all day, day and night, as their sole caretaker, I kind of don't feel that bad about it, either. There's Skype, there's FaceTime on phones. And it's two nights, not a week. I think having trips like this to look forward to every few months could really boost my general outlook on life. I would probably break even or lose money doing it, but...who cares? Free trip! Sleep all night! No poopy diapers! No negotiating food/shoes/teeth brushing! Getting to hang out with sardonic jazz musicians, wear awesome vintage outfits, and dance? Yes, please!

Here is Bobby holding one of my all-time favorite books. That's my feminist boy!

Takin' care of business

Despite having zero plans, we had a nice day today. I can't say I know why things are suddenly better for us. Is it me? Is it a hormonal thing? Is it Bobby suddenly behaving better and so I'm happier? Is Mercury no longer in retrograde? Who knows. All I know is whatever desperation and depression I felt a couple of weeks ago is gone. B still has irrational freak outs much of the time, but somehow I seem better able to handle it. Maybe it is the promise of three days "to myself" thanks to three day preschool that has in fact made a difference.

Theo is keeping me up all night. He is practicing standing, crawling, sitting, and rolling all night long, accompanied by triumphant squawking. For some time now I've been tiptoeing out to the living room couch early in the morning in order to catch a few more minutes' sleep, but now I'm considering absconding to the attic all night just to see if my presence is waking him. It's possible, but the fact that he wakes up even when a sitter is here tells me that may not be the case. Maybe once he gets past this milestone the sleep will get better...?

I sent out my "hire" email to next year's teachers (mostly this year's teachers). Not surprisingly most of them want more money. Yet another reason to raise my prices, if I didn't have enough reason already (read: my empty bank account). I am determined to not dilly dally about getting my event set up this year - last year I really blew it waiting too long to hire people. I want at least my offers out there so I can start piecing things together and getting a picture of what my eighteenth event is going to look like. 

Havin' a heat wave

We're on the tail end of yet another wicked heat wave. I went into this weekend full of dread, facing a deadly combo of triple digit temperatures and no plans. And had I written last night it would have been a very different post. But luckily we got a last minute invite to a birthday party today where we had a nice time, and it killed the whole day, so I came home feeling pretty content instead of my usual exhausted and crabby.

I am sooooo looking forward to fall. I don't know what fall is supposed to look like in Southern California anymore - we had no fall nor winter last year at all, just one impossible endless dry summer. Time was when winter meant icy nights and rain every few days. Now...I don't know. 

I just can't catch a break financially. Last night I checked my credit card balance on the assumption that I was doing a decent job keeping my expenses down, preparing to pat myself on the back...and was horrified to see that with three weeks  in my billing cycle still left, I owe over $3000! Apparently a "pending" charge from the hotel I thought I covered with my last payment was not covered. Ughhhh. So now my money will run out even sooner than expected - I should be flat broke by December. Sucks. I did find a way to borrow from myself interest-free, it will just cost me later...but I'm not worried about later. Some older male friends I told about my price increase plans told me I need to tick them up even higher, that I shouldn't just aim to make enough to just get by. They're so right. See? Think like a man.

Things have been good with me and Bobby. He repeats everything I say, imitates my gestures, thinks everything I think is funny or cool is funny and cool, treats the baby the way I treat the baby (kisses, pats on the bottom, etc). As much as I look forward every day to the day these boys are older, I also dread the day they don't think things I like are cool and that I magically know everything. I never stopped revering my mother (or at least her impeccable taste), so it's possible they won't one day think I'm a big dork. But I won't count on it.

I raised the straps on B's car seat and bingo! No more escaping. Thank god for google, huh?

A day at the Getty

Not much to report today except that I had a nice visit to the Getty museum (one of my favorite places in LA) with a couple of SMCs and their babies.  And I just had to show off these ridiculously cute pictures of Theo (ignore the bruises on his forehead from the constant bonking):

New phases and new concerns

There have been a couple of big changes in our little lives in the past few days. One is that Bobby is using the potty about once a day, usually before bed, at his request. The other is Theo is sitting up and pretty much crawling. Which means Bobby is interacting with him much more - giving him toys, talking to him, wanting to play with him. These are all really cool things that make me happy.

Today I had a really nice visit with fellow Smc Jen and her twins. Two women and four kids in public and we managed! It was the kind of day where everything went so well I had to ask myself, "huh, just a few days ago I wanted to drive off a cliff. What was that all about?" But giving respect to where I was a few days ago, yeah. Days with toddlers can be real hit or miss. Sometimes your family life looks like you always dreamed it would, and sometimes it looks how you always feared it might.

Speaking of fears, I've had a return of my odd anxiety choking disorder thing where I'm minding my business eating something and all of a sudden it's like I forget how to swallow and my throat clamps shut and I start panicking and choking. Fun times, huh? I can manage it by slowing down, relaxing, and talking myself through the mechanics of each swallow. But it is a gauge of how much anxiety is in my life, even buried. Obviously something heavy is going on with me if that's popping up again.

I am also having irrational fears. I am terrified some crazed gunman is going to barge into B's school and start shooting. I know I shouldn't even be saying this, but I know my saying it is not going to magically cause it to happen (despite what my former religion claims). I look at the one woman opening and closing the gate for the children and think, "anybody could  just shoot her and then head right in and kill everybody". And this is entirely true. But as with everything in life, you just have to weigh the odds of that happening and remind yourself that it's very, very unlikely, aka not worth worrying about. I suppose all of this started last week when I saw multiple Facebook posts about a "mentally unstable" man wearing fatigues and a grenade belt lurking around my sons' future elementary school, who has been confronted by the police, but is still making appearances. If my kids were in that school right now I'd be absolutely terrified. I'd be tempted to shoot him when nobody was looking and save the school a potential horrendous tragedy. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had that thought. So naturally I start thinking about B's preschool, which is very large and well known, and the unsavory characters that always loiter around because of the homeless outreach program right next door, and, yeah. Suddenly my throat doesn't so much feel like swallowing.

Dark and Light

I keep writing really dark posts and then deleting them, then writing bright and happy posts all about Halloween costumes and Theo's milestones and deleting them because they feel hollow. So I think it's safe to say the truth falls somewhere in between. 

Bobby and I have had some good times, and some bad. I've been able to keep my temper and try to keep things light and entertaining, and today after dropping him at school I adjusted the straps of his car seat which I sincerely hope will keep him from escaping while we drive. He was sent home from school Monday with pink eye - I've had the fun of sitting on him five times a day to administer eye drops. Thankfully it cleared up and he was able to return to school for picture day today. 

Theo is at a fun age - sitting but not crawling, so I have the pleasure of propping him up on the floor with some toys and leaving him, contented. I've started feeding him some mashed banana. He is beyond cute and squeezable and smiley. He and Bobby have been able to interact a little more, too. He aced his six month checkup - the usual stats: smallish body, light-ish weight, gigantic head. 

It seems like more and more articles about it being ok to not love the toddler age keep floating by me (or much like when something is on your mind, I just see them everywhere). My friend who is inordinately honest about this stuff told me last week that when her older boy, now nine, was this age, she felt like she was in a tunnel and couldn't see her way out; but it did get better. She actually did seek out a therapist. I will file that information in my mental file if I feel the need again.

I have been neglecting my Smc group. I let all of September slip by with no meeting. Partially it was because a few of us joined the Pasadena group for their tenth anniversary, but honestly a lot of my reluctance has been I have such a shitty attitude right now, I don't want to infect new hopefuls. 

I can't say it plainly enough. It's not the two kids. It's the TODDLER. And being a full time, stay at home mom. Those two things are killing me right now. And I have had some doubts about my general capacity to handle all this, I have. But I'm sure every parent on earth has thought this. I know I'm not alone. I just wish more people would be honest about their experiences. It makes me feel like complete crap when my Facebook feed is full of people bragging about how perfect their two-year-olds are. Either they really are blessed with amazingly easy kids, or they're all liars.