I rarely notice how many posts I've written, but I can't ignore 500! Wow! I know I've been a real posting machine lately; I think it's become habit, like journaling, just something I have to do every day whether I have anything of import to say or not. Thanks for reading along!
It's funny how much talk of additional babies has been going on recently. It's all over my March 2012 babies board - probably because so many of the gals on there are pregnant again. Then as noted it's being discussed on my SMC Facebook group. Then last night I got home and found someone had commented on my one and only old ultrasound picture on Facebook, which put it back in the newsfeed, which immediately prompted a bunch of people to excitedly comment that I was pregnant again (I guess some people don't realize to have a detailed 4D ultrasound pic like that you have to be pretty far along, and showing). Then last night I had dinner with a couple where the wife was pregnant with number two, and when I said my 40 years was the main factor in not trying for another, she said, "well, I'm 41!" So much for that argument!
I still know one child only is the right decision for B & me. I really have no desire to have two little kids running around here. And the thought of pregnancy nausea, third trimester misery, and (gulp) labor fills me with loathing. Still. It's just so damned final, like a death. No more children. No little red headed buddy for Bumpus. I am still just young enough that I *could* have a healthy baby, just maybe. In a couple of years this will not be the case. But now, at 40? It's possible. And yet I'm closing that door. Why is this so hard for me? Why can't I just make that choice and never look back? I swear this second baby thing is a harder choice than the first baby thing. When I saw all that chatter on FB about me having another baby it made me start to think something was in the air to make me change my mind. But then I got out of my old magical thinking habits and reminded myself all the commenters were younger, married women who think it would be swell if I had another cute little baby. They don't have to lie on the bathroom floor for three months sick, they don't have to have pre-eclampsia and be bullied for weeks into inducing early and then spend years fighting the hospital bills, they don't have to try to nurse a cranky newborn while their neglected toddler tears the house apart. See? Not looking so cute now, does it?
Yet every life choice means closing a door on another choice. For example, I can't live in NY and LA at the same time. I'll never be a young glowy bride. I have a house with an amazing view and privacy from the street - but I also have to haul all my crap up three flights of stairs to get that privacy. Choices, choices!
Yet just like people who choose to be childless, I will spend my entire life defending my decision to have just one child. "How come you never had another? Didn't you want Bobby to have a sibling?" I don't know how to politely say I didn't want another because it's freaking HARD. Because pregnancy and labor is scary and painful. Because with one child I still have a sense of who I am; I'm afraid with two I'll disappear entirely. Because most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm scared. That's why. "But don't you want your son to have a little playmate?" Sigh.
Just further proof that if you want something done right in this world, you have to do it yourself. Another anxiety-addled blog about the pursuit of single motherhood. Join me, won't you?
I have it in mind that I would like two -- I'm an only child, and it sucks as an adult. But if my parents hadn't wanted another child (they tried but weren't able), I would never be holding it against them right now. You know what you can deal with, and your primary responsibility is providing a happy life for the child you already have (as you well know -- just supporting your decision!).
ReplyDeleteI would think a pretty solid argument for shutting people up (even if it's not something you agree with, necessarily) is that you believe each person should only 'replace' themselves, population-wise. That means two children for couples, but just one for a single lady.
Good for you for knowing. The ironic thing is IF you decided to have another, you'd get people questioning you for that decision. Basically, you can't win!! So do what feels right for you and your family and commentors be damned!
ReplyDeleteMaybe not much consolation, but I think you/we/everyone has to spend their life defending decisions whatever they are. If you did have another there would people saying 'surely one child on your own was enough!' 'Are you sure you can manage with 2?' etc etc
ReplyDeleteAs long as you are doing what feels right to you don't worry. You can have playmates without having siblings too.
BTW I am afraid of all the things you are afraid of too! And I'm even older! I admire your honesty. I'm just trying to bury my head in the sand and not think of how scary it is in case I prevent myself getting pregnant with my mental anguish, as I do want it.
I always said I would have two... until I had one. I'm pretty sure I'm done. I can't imagine going through it all again. I have mini anxiety attacks even thinking about it. But even if I wanted another, financially it's just impossible, so I don't even let myself go there. I'm satisfied with our little family of two.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy that people make you feel like you have to justify "only" having one! What a world we live in. I think it's about them trying to make peace with their own choices.
ReplyDeleteI think you and B are a perfect family. As you are.
I think about having another...I've said it before, knowing that one is what is right for Elena & I doesn't make it any easier to accept. It hurts everyday that I most likely won't have another baby. I've been meaning to write a post about it but it hurts to much so am just keeping it inside. & it also brings on a ton of guilt as if my wanting another implies that Elena isn't enough, which couldn't be farther from the truth.
ReplyDeleteI think there are very real pluses and minuses to both scenarios. I always wanted 2, and I have 2. But yes, it is WAY harder than one, and I HAVE lost much more of myself, and I admit that I am not as good a parent to two as I was to one - I"m just stretched much thinner. I do think some of the pluses of having two will balance all that out, or at least I hope so! (And of course once you have #2 you wouldn't give them up for the world). Guess I am just agreeing that your arguments against two are very real, and valid reasons!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a lot about this, as well. The way I'm coping with Jordyn growing up, growing out of clothes, not being a tiny baby anymore? ...The thought that well, I'll have another one someday! I don't know if that'll actually happen, but it's how I'm getting through Jordyn growing up just WAY too fast! And I have no idea how I'd cope with #2 growing up! I think it's very, very valid and ok to have one, and also ok to have two. I know you and B will be perfectly happy with "just" each other. :)
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