Monday, July 6, 2015


I know you all want to see cute pictures of kids in patriotic outfits waving flags today. But can I be honest with you? This weekend sucked. As do all holiday weekends with kids this age, because all it means is school being closed so a miserable four day slog with no breaks for me, plus the obligatory holiday functions which are awful and trigger-y with little kids (tons of whining, screaming, tantrums, and craziness). So, yeah. I hated this weekend. I couldn't wait for it to be over. Bobby is finally back in school and I couldn't be happier. 

I spent the 4th hunkered in my back bedroom in front of a Law and Order marathon listening to the fireworks erupting all over my neighborhood, sending messages to and "liking" all sorts of guys on OkCupid. I watched as each one logged on, read my message, looked at my profile, and chose not to answer me. Good times.

Last night I sang at a wedding. The probably 40- or 50-something couple sat at a table full of children during their reception. This was so sweet I almost broke down sobbing right in the middle of singing On the Sunny Side of the Street. 

I am officially becoming unhinged.

Sunday morning I texted 3D Animation Guy to check in and see how his week was looking. I watched as he logged on to OkCupid, looked at my profile, and then did not answer my text. Four hours went by. I could only assume he'd had a second look at me and changed his mind. Then he finally answered me. He said he was going to Nashville on Wednesday. I asked if he wanted to try to get together tonight. He said he would try to make it work, that he is "dying to meet me". I texted him today to follow up. I have not heard a word.

I have also not heard a word from anyone else.

I am looking into some low cost therapy. I feel like no matter what I'm out the babysitting fees and that's already too much of an expense...but I feel like I need to at least explore some options before discounting the idea entirely. This whole dating thing has made me nothing but depressed and miserable. Nothing but rejection and abandonment and frustration. I just want it to end. I just want to settle on someone, love someone who will love me back, and be done with it. How come so many people get to have that in their lives and yet I don't? Why has this most basic thing eluded me for thirty years?

What is so damned unlovable about me that every man that meets me decides I'm not worth more than one coffee date?

I know there are no answers to these questions. And I'm pretty sure the problem is not me (although I'm open to discussion on that one). I think people are just picky and intolerant and the very presence of the Internet makes it so that nobody ever has to settle on anyone, ever.

Yet all these guys - including 3D Animator - complain endlessly about how flaky everyone is, how nobody ever wants to meet up, how much they want to be with someone. The guy I met for coffee Thursday told me he'd met a lot of nice, attractive women. So...what's the fucking problem??

So I want to seek out therapy, but I'm not sure for what purpose. What can a therapist tell me other than "dating sucks"? Surely I am not the first, nor will I be the last, person to complain about how frustrating and baffling the opposite (or same!) sex is. Maybe they can just give me some tools to cope with my runaway anxiety or give me some perspective. Who knows. It's worth at least looking into I think.


  1. "What is so damned unlovable about me" I have asked this of myself so many times. I have poured all of myself into mothering E & am content with that right now but am already worrying about when I won't be the centre of her world & I'll be left with that emptiness & loneliness again. I don't think I could handle what you're going through emotionally. Stay strong!

  2. "I think people are just picky and intolerant and the very presence of the Internet makes it so that nobody ever has to settle on anyone, ever"

    This!! I think people are always wondering if there is something better out there and it is only a click away! I give you tons of credit for even trying.

  3. Wish I knew the answer to this... and wish I could help you feel that you're lovable and wonderful no matter what some stupid guys online think. Who knows what's going on with them? Maybe guys who want to settle down do settle down, and take themselves off the market. So by definition, guys who are still single in their late thirties or beyond are not really as interested in forming and maintaining connections - no matter what they claim. I think the dating lifestyle kind of works for a lot of them, and they don't see it as a means to an end, whereas women I know who are dating usually want to move beyond that phase to something more permanent. These broad generalizations are not helpful to you, I know. I'll just end with "hugs" then - hope you'll feel better about things soon!