Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Sunrise, sunset

Yet another of our older dance community died today. A very special 90-year-old lady died in Jan, and now a guy who was just in his 60s but caught some sort of respiratory infection died today. This guy also worked for me as my tabulator for years - tabulator being the person who calculates your judges' scores when you run dance contests to get the results. I'm trying not to worry about who to get to replace him - it's not going to be easy - but it's a bit early to start thinking of that. We're all in shock in the dance community because he was such a healthy, athletic guy. 

I have to admit one thing, though - I find it a lot easier to cope with death now that I have children. It's not that it doesn't still sting - Lord knows I mourned my dog for quite a while - but it just feels different. I guess it's that old basic sense of mortality; of course it's going to bite a bit harder when you feel your own time running out. With kids the edge gets taken off a little because they carry on the living for you when your time is up. Which for me is one of the major reasons to have kids, as it has been since the dawn of time.

I still had some spotting this morning, which didn't thrill me, but didn't completely freak me out, either. It's hard not to think back on my chemical pregnancy experience in which I bled one day all of a sudden, then nothing for two days, then it started up again, then I went to get checked out and they said my cervix was closed and they saw no active bleeding...only to completely miscarry over the next few days. But I do recognize this is an entirely different situation; there's a real live baby this time who even now could live very happily on the outside, and a few pinhead-sized blood spots (all I've had the past couple of days) does not a tragedy make. Again I have my midwife appointment Thursday so I'll tell her what's been going on and see if she has any opinions/advice. 

One positive thing came out of my trip to L&D this weekend. I always wondered what it would be like to be back in that place - the hospital smells and the whole feeling of it, that place where the most traumatic event of my life occurred. And you know what? It was really ok. It actually felt sort of sunny and positive. It's the place my next and last baby will be born. It's a happy place! When I was there I was just wishing I could zoom forward a few weeks and be there for real - Bumpus safe and cared for at home, a bag by my side, my doula there looking out for me, about to meet baby Theo. I may not get to have that exact experience - for all I know tonight I'll be rushed to an emergency room - but I'm just going to hold the good thought that I will actually make it to March and everything will just be ok. From before I even got pregnant I told myself I had a feeling this was all just going to work out, and I'm going to stick with that.


  1. Are your bringing a birth plan to the hospital? I did (with both my births). After my horrible experience with #1, I changed my birth plan in many ways -- making it much more "I am open to whatever comes" but also very firmly requesting open and thorough communication. I explained that my first childbirth experience had been awful, in large part because of poor communication from doctor and nurses. I also switched hospitals which I think helped a lot. Anyways, my nurses, midwife, and eventually doc (needed emergency C-section) with #2 were all wonderful, with my main nurse saying how much she supported my wishes and she kept being proactive about making sure the communication was good. Anyways... all that to say it can't hurt and could help make your experience different. Hang in there there last few weeks!

    1. I'm compiling one with the doula, although (other than not being induced) there's not much I'd do differently; Kaiser is super baby-friendly so I really had no objection to the care there (the billing was another story...)

  2. sounds like you are in a really good place. hooray on the return to the hospital feeling so okay and actually positive!

    not to lessen your feelings or experience at all, but I think it would be impossible for nearly all of us moms to return to the hospital and birth experience (in preparation for #2) with the same sunny optimism that we did before #1. i know i will be totally freaking out, and am actually planning on some sort of therapy to work through some of this, assuming i conceive #2.