I have to admit one thing, though - I find it a lot easier to cope with death now that I have children. It's not that it doesn't still sting - Lord knows I mourned my dog for quite a while - but it just feels different. I guess it's that old basic sense of mortality; of course it's going to bite a bit harder when you feel your own time running out. With kids the edge gets taken off a little because they carry on the living for you when your time is up. Which for me is one of the major reasons to have kids, as it has been since the dawn of time.
I still had some spotting this morning, which didn't thrill me, but didn't completely freak me out, either. It's hard not to think back on my chemical pregnancy experience in which I bled one day all of a sudden, then nothing for two days, then it started up again, then I went to get checked out and they said my cervix was closed and they saw no active bleeding...only to completely miscarry over the next few days. But I do recognize this is an entirely different situation; there's a real live baby this time who even now could live very happily on the outside, and a few pinhead-sized blood spots (all I've had the past couple of days) does not a tragedy make. Again I have my midwife appointment Thursday so I'll tell her what's been going on and see if she has any opinions/advice.
One positive thing came out of my trip to L&D this weekend. I always wondered what it would be like to be back in that place - the hospital smells and the whole feeling of it, that place where the most traumatic event of my life occurred. And you know what? It was really ok. It actually felt sort of sunny and positive. It's the place my next and last baby will be born. It's a happy place! When I was there I was just wishing I could zoom forward a few weeks and be there for real - Bumpus safe and cared for at home, a bag by my side, my doula there looking out for me, about to meet baby Theo. I may not get to have that exact experience - for all I know tonight I'll be rushed to an emergency room - but I'm just going to hold the good thought that I will actually make it to March and everything will just be ok. From before I even got pregnant I told myself I had a feeling this was all just going to work out, and I'm going to stick with that.