It's such a waiting game at this point - I keep saying I wish I could just make it to March, but March seems like an eternity away. When I say "make it to March" I don't mean hold off on going into labor - I mean not get pushed into inducing before then. I am very much afraid that at any of my upcoming appointments they will simply not let me leave. This terrifies me. This happens to women all the time - you think everything is ok (or not), and you go into your standard appointment and a team of people tell you you're having the baby right now. It's the stuff nightmares are made of. And it just might happen to me.
I bought a very expensive blood pressure cuff today. Results have been mixed. When I first got home I busted it out and my numbers were alarmingly high - I immediately ran it again, and they were a lot lower, and a third time, and they were lower still. What does this mean? Was I using it wrong? Is my BP spiking all day long and I don't know it? The instructions say to sit quietly for five minutes before using it; when I did this later tonight a few times, my numbers were great. But when they take my BP at the doctor's office it's never when I've been sitting. It's always after I've just come from walking a couple of blocks and it's always hot as hell out (it was in the 90s today!). And there's no arguing the fact that all of these conditions existed before but I had normal readings. Which is all that matters. My blood pressure is ticking up and that's that.
I think I need to accept that anything can happen at this point and I need to just put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I feel my dream of a better birth slipping through my fingers, and it saddens me. Although I feel it's way too early to have this baby, I can't be married to that - I need to accept if my body is shutting down again it's shutting down and I need to be logical and not emotional. Theo will be ok - he's cooked for a good long time. Now all the birth announcements on my WTE app include pictures of plump, healthy babies with no tubes and no NICU stays.
Selfishly, I wish I could just:
Get through my singing gig tomorrow night
Get my taxes done next weekend
Go to my last book club
Go to my tabulator's memorial on the 1st
Make it past 38 weeks
Go into labor before any interventions start happening
I feel very helpless and out of control. It's not a good place to be.