Monday, October 28, 2013

The Wall in, I hit it today, listening to Pink Floyd's "Mother" in the car on my way home from my OB appointment. I mean rivers of tears and deep, full body sobs. I needed that. I really did.

What can I say? I'm depressed, and have been for some time. I just can't seem to fight it. The things I'm depressed about, scared of, etc, are very real and are indeed as bad as I think. Nobody can help me. I just need to get through it. 

I went to see the A list midwife today. She asked how I felt about the upcoming birth and I said, "terrified and depressed." She did give me some good resources - places to find doulas in training to help with costs, left a message with the Kaiser social services person to call me, etc. But right now all of that just seems like more work for me. Everything looks like a pain in the ass when you're depressed. At the end she took my hands, looked in my eyes and said, "you're going to have a better birth this time." I didn't say anything. "You don't believe me, do you?" she asked. I said, "nope."

And I don't. I feel like no matter what happens it's going to be awful and painful and exhausting. Even if I get the best case scenario and don't have health problems and don't get pre-e or GD or anything else. Even if I get to go into labor naturally. It's still going to be awful. And I know this is a shitty attitude. But I just can't shake it, I'm sorry. I am just sick with dread and fear. This was SO much easier last time when I could convince myself it wouldn't be that bad, that it would be empowering, that it would be quicker and less painful than I thought. None of those things were true. It's hard when you're already a pessimist and expect the worst and then things are even worse than you imagined. It's hard to come back from that. 

The good news is, everything still looks good health wise although as anticipated I gained eight pounds this month and the midwife shamed me about that quite a bit. She wants me to only gain two pounds next month. Yeah, I'll get right on that! Also she put herself as my primary physician so starting in December it should be easier to get appointments with her. She also said I would not need NSTs if I'm healthy unless I hit 41 weeks. Which is a huge relief considering how much they cost and how inconvenient they will be with childcare. So I do feel some comfort that I'm in good hands with her. 

Anyway, I had a good sob and now I do feel a bit better. I'm mostly just pissed off and disappointed that I've spent so much of this pregnancy depressed. I really don't want to feel like this. I want to feel joyful and serene like I did last time. But I just don't. Hell, maybe when B's room is done, everything is in order, and I have some of my coming event sorted out, I'll feel better. I feel like I'm spinning a million plates right now and am utterly overwhelmed. 

In other news, B is happy as a clam and oblivious to his mother's private grief. Gotta love this kid.


  1. Oh, I'm so sorry you are struggling. I get it, I really do. I can't even imagine but I think I will freak out when I am actually pregnant, because the thought of enduring labor again is, well, unimaginable. It was so awful last time!

    My midwife hasn't responded to my most recent 2 emails, and naturally I'm assuming that she means she hates me and thinks I'm a wimpy loser. But in the meantime, I just scheduled a well woman visit with her backup OB, who got called to my birth at the last minute because it looked like I was going to need a vacuum extraction to pull the kid out. But then I freaked out about that too, and managed to get it done on my own. But I know I don't want to use that midwife again, and I'm sort of looking forward to seeing this OB again, who I haven't seen since C's birth day. And talking with her about my experience, and asking what she could say about my fears of going through that again.

    As a person who has been depressed, that feeling that all the help that's been offered is just more work... well, that's at least partly depression talking. Everything feels hard when you are depressed. Likewise, the feeling that all of your problems are "real" and bad and hard. That's evidence of depression. Someone else might have your problems and not be depressed. Not to say that your problems aren't real. But that they wouldn't make everyone depressed. If that makes sense. All that to say, you might actually be able to feel better, even if your problems remain the same.

  2. Would you consider giving yourself the gift of an elective c-section? I know the practically-universal view of them them is that they are scary, awful, and a "failure" to be avoided at all costs, but boy do I have a different view (and get pretty fired up about it!). I think an elective c-section can be an empowering, brave, important choice not to be traumatized by labor and delivery (or even by the anticipation of labor and delivery). My experience was 100% positive -- from the procedure itself to recovery.

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  5. Eek, did my comment come through three times? SORRY! That was not for emphasis -- I was having a little trouble signing in and thought my message had disappeared in the process :) Please feel free to delete!

  6. I am so sorry you are struggling, I certainly can empathize. I hope things get better.

    My first birth was fucking awful, too. Really t;ruly horrible. With my second birth I abandoned all expectations (and also switched hospitals and went from a doc to midwife). And it again was pretty awful (2 weeks of prodromal contractions while parenting a 2 year old, then failure to progress, needed pitocin, and ended in an emergency c-section). But I can honestly say that it was a wholly better experience than my first, simply because I wasn't hung up about "failing" to have a natural birth like I had been with #1, and my providers were so much more communicative and supportive. So I'd just suggest doing everything you can to make this a better, more comfortable experience, perhaps including early epidural. (Personally I wouldn't choose elective c-section as my recovery was very difficult and being a SMC with a newborn/toddler and recovering from c-section was brutal). Hang in there, you've got a lot of support out here.

  7. {{hugs}} If coming down here is helpful, feel free as often as you like. My brain is devoid of anything else helpful at the moment, but just know we care and I will gladly be an understanding ear.

  8. I'm late to the support game but I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Depression is a bitch & no matter how much advice you get on what you could do, you're still right there in the depth of depression. I hope you're able to find a way through. My aunt, who is manic depressive, always says, Fake it till you make it.