What can I say? I'm depressed, and have been for some time. I just can't seem to fight it. The things I'm depressed about, scared of, etc, are very real and are indeed as bad as I think. Nobody can help me. I just need to get through it.
I went to see the A list midwife today. She asked how I felt about the upcoming birth and I said, "terrified and depressed." She did give me some good resources - places to find doulas in training to help with costs, left a message with the Kaiser social services person to call me, etc. But right now all of that just seems like more work for me. Everything looks like a pain in the ass when you're depressed. At the end she took my hands, looked in my eyes and said, "you're going to have a better birth this time." I didn't say anything. "You don't believe me, do you?" she asked. I said, "nope."
And I don't. I feel like no matter what happens it's going to be awful and painful and exhausting. Even if I get the best case scenario and don't have health problems and don't get pre-e or GD or anything else. Even if I get to go into labor naturally. It's still going to be awful. And I know this is a shitty attitude. But I just can't shake it, I'm sorry. I am just sick with dread and fear. This was SO much easier last time when I could convince myself it wouldn't be that bad, that it would be empowering, that it would be quicker and less painful than I thought. None of those things were true. It's hard when you're already a pessimist and expect the worst and then things are even worse than you imagined. It's hard to come back from that.
The good news is, everything still looks good health wise although as anticipated I gained eight pounds this month and the midwife shamed me about that quite a bit. She wants me to only gain two pounds next month. Yeah, I'll get right on that! Also she put herself as my primary physician so starting in December it should be easier to get appointments with her. She also said I would not need NSTs if I'm healthy unless I hit 41 weeks. Which is a huge relief considering how much they cost and how inconvenient they will be with childcare. So I do feel some comfort that I'm in good hands with her.
Anyway, I had a good sob and now I do feel a bit better. I'm mostly just pissed off and disappointed that I've spent so much of this pregnancy depressed. I really don't want to feel like this. I want to feel joyful and serene like I did last time. But I just don't. Hell, maybe when B's room is done, everything is in order, and I have some of my coming event sorted out, I'll feel better. I feel like I'm spinning a million plates right now and am utterly overwhelmed.
In other news, B is happy as a clam and oblivious to his mother's private grief. Gotta love this kid.