I am a big fan of lists. Since I weaned myself off of my old New Yorker desk diary in favor of my IPhone calendar and notes apps instead, I find I make more and more lists - groceries, house projects, craft projects, recipes I want to try, songs I should sing with the band, not to mention tons of work-related lists (how many classes to give each dance instructor and at what rate, ideas for the following year, etc).
Since I am now meeting with my SMC thinker/trier group and hang out on the Facebook SMC group pretty regularly and am contemplating TTC #2, I have found myself thinking back to the time when I was theorizing about TTC Bumpus, and what similarities and differences there are between the two.
So here are two lists - one, two years later, looking back on why I wanted to try for one:
Because I was sick of waiting to be chosen by some man so I would have the chance to procreate.
Because my aunt had died and I felt our gene pool shrinking.
Because I didn't want to one day regret not having children.
Because I wanted to heal some of my childhood issues.
Because I didn't want to be the perpetual spinster aunt that everyone pities.
Because if I had to have one more bitter conversation with my ever-shrinking pool of single girlfriends about how annoying it is that everyone but us gets married and has kids I was going to drive off a cliff.
Here's why I have had a change of heart and am contemplating #2:
Because I want B to have a sibling, someone to share this experience with other than just me.
Because I feel I have a chance to do pregnancy and labor much healthier, smarter, and better, and heal the trauma of my last pregnancy and labor.
Because I want B to have someone to play with.
Because I want B to learn to share and be part of a group and not the sole focus of my attention (although I know I could still teach him these things without a sibling).
Because I want more of a legacy for our family.
Because I want to name something.
Because I don't want to regret not having tried for two when I had this tiny window of opportunity.
Because I'd be so darned good at this a second time around.
Because, on my best days, I feel like the universe is a good place that blesses people who are gutsy and take risks. That with the arrival of B I managed to break the "nothing good ever happens to me" spell. Because even knowing the potential heartbreak, even horror, that could await me going down this road, most days I just feel lucky. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can pull this off, and it will all have been worth it.