Tuesday, April 23, 2013


I am a big fan of lists. Since I weaned myself off of my old New Yorker desk diary in favor of my IPhone calendar and notes apps instead, I find I make more and more lists - groceries, house projects, craft projects, recipes I want to try, songs I should sing with the band, not to mention tons of work-related lists (how many classes to give each dance instructor and at what rate, ideas for the following year, etc).

Since I am now meeting with my SMC thinker/trier group and hang out on the Facebook SMC group pretty regularly and am contemplating TTC #2, I have found myself thinking back to the time when I was theorizing about TTC Bumpus, and what similarities and differences there are between the two.

So here are two lists - one, two years later, looking back on why I wanted to try for one:

Because I was sick of waiting to be chosen by some man so I would have the chance to procreate.

Because my aunt had died and I felt our gene pool shrinking.

Because I didn't want to one day regret not having children.

Because I wanted to heal some of my childhood issues.

Because I didn't want to be the perpetual spinster aunt that everyone pities.

Because if I had to have one more bitter conversation with my ever-shrinking pool of single girlfriends about how annoying it is that everyone but us gets married and has kids I was going to drive off a cliff.

Here's why I have had a change of heart and am contemplating #2:

Because I want B to have a sibling, someone to share this experience with other than just me.

Because I feel I have a chance to do pregnancy and labor much healthier, smarter, and better, and heal the trauma of my last pregnancy and labor.

Because I want B to have someone to play with.

Because I want B to learn to share and be part of a group and not the sole focus of my attention (although I know I could still teach him these things without a sibling).

Because I want more of a legacy for our family.

Because I want to name something.

Because I don't want to regret not having tried for two when I had this tiny window of opportunity.

Because I'd be so darned good at this a second time around.

Because, on my best days, I feel like the universe is a good place that blesses people who are gutsy and take risks. That with the arrival of B I managed to break the "nothing good ever happens to me" spell. Because even knowing the potential heartbreak, even horror, that could await me going down this road, most days I just feel lucky. I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can pull this off, and it will all have been worth it.


  1. I'm a big list-maker as well. I remember when I it my first BB, it was lists for everything!

    I do want to caution you that some people have problems with iPhone randomly deleting notes from the notes app, however, and mine has become completely unreliable for that very reason. I've lost all kinds of important info from consignment sale shopping lists to account login in details and even baby names. I've googled for a fix but no luck - just lots of other people with the same problem. If anyone has info on this issue, I'm all ears!

  2. I've had the problem cmgr mentions with the iphone and lists... My notes just sometimes disappear for no reason! But, I also make lists sometimes, on paper now, though!

    1. I solved the problem! Had to come back and share. Go to your Yahoo email account on a computer (not your phone), and check the folder called "Notes." There they are! It's a glitch the way iPhone syncs your Notes when you have Yahoo listed as your primary email account.