Ok. I've spent the whole day feeling like complete garbage. I woke up with a dark, crushing depression the likes of which I haven't felt in a very, very long time. But it's not related to anything...everything in my life right now is just dandy. I did a little googling, and you know what I think it is? I think it's hormonal shifts related to the weaning.
I'm so, so glad that I have awareness of things like this - that just because you feel depressed doesn't mean you have to go along with these feelings. I knew it had to be something hormonal because try as I might I couldn't put my finger on what was making me feel so lousy. I woke up to a chilly, overcast day, and that fact alone made me just want to pull the covers over my head and cry. What the f-?
So I did my Silverlake walk, did some housework, and now I'm watching documentaries about Monsanto. I have a fun gig tonight at one of my favorite Art Deco downtown venues. Everything is a-ok. Oh sure, I hardly made any money this month. I have to get my brakes done. My stupid ex- got engaged yesterday. But none of this should pull me down the rabbit hole. It's the hormones.
We're down to about two feeds a day. I am going to try to get B to eat a real dinner starting next week, to essentially cut the breast feeds even further. He really bites now which is very unpleasant - and tells me my supply has dropped precipitously. Thankfully B seems unperturbed by all this. I don't think the weaning process is going to be a big emotional thing for him; I just have to survive the crazy mood swings. But it's cool. Awareness is half the battle!